Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Day 58

Tony Jaa is the only good thing to come out of Thailand aside from prostitution...

Line of the Week: You Krispy Kreme motherfuckers!! -The black detective looking for solid justice in Punisher: War Zone.

Hey, you know how sometimes you're just so busy you completely forget to post an update to a regular site that belongs to you? Me neither, I didn't want to update last week because finals are annoying and I didn't feel the need to, so deal with it.

In case some of you don't read the comments at the end of some of my posts, this is what you missed from my last entry...

Some Teenager came into SMG the other day with letter jacket on. I didn't notice the last name until my supervisor told me if I find a guy with the same last name as the one on the jacket, to let her know because she wants to name her future child, are you ready for this, Billy the Kidd... She seriously said that. I asked her what her boyfriend's last name was and she said Deal, although I'm sure his family spells it wrong. I said that Billy the Deal isn't too bad either, although it sounds like a very affordable male prostitute that would use slogans like these:
  • I'm Billy the Deal and if you can find a cheaper price for Snowballing, I guarantee I'll match it!
  • Hi, I'm Billy the Deal! Are you sick of cumming and feeling lonely? For this month only, every Rim Job is 70% off and includes 10min. of free cuddling and stroking!
  • Billy the Deal here, are hand job rates getting, well, out of hand? Well, have I got the Deal *Wink* for you! Come with me with a proof of a competitor's lower price and I'll beat it, personally!
  • Hi, I'm Billy the Deal, and I'll let you fist my ass for a 50-pack of Chicken McNuggets.
Alright, that last one my have been a little much, but you get the point.

I've been so busy and apathetic lately that I actually got in trouble in my Sociology class. I got to class just as people were going in so instead of sitting in my usual seat, I had to sit one row back, which also happened to be the back of the room, and the corner, nonetheless. I didn't really care because the only two girls worth talking to in that class sat there and I talked with them before class all the time. Basically, after a couple warnings directed to the girls to stop talking, I ended up getting in trouble for talking to one of them. The teacher kicked one of the girls out of class and giving me a talking to afterwards, threatening me with being immature and asking me why I, a student with one of the highest grades of the class, would even talk to people "like them." She went on and I kept on changing the conversation to myself and my stand up comedy (seriously, we talked about our favorite comedians for like 4min.) and then left because I had shit to do and she is nothing you should look at for a long time...because she's ugly.

The next class, she pulls me from the hallway before class starts and tells me, as I smile, that we can't have another incident and that she wants me sitting in the front, away from the girl. Well little does she know that love has no boundaries, but I decided to ignore that and sat one row ahead of my usual spot and talked to Erika's boyfriend instead, making jokes like usual. Hell, when she said, and I quote: "Men, you gotta catch up. The four highest grades in the class are all women!" I replied with "Oh no, we would actually be worried about that if they didn't get paid 75 cents for every dollar we make..." She turned this into a Sociological discussion because it was one of those It's-funny-because it's-true moments. I assumed this was the end of it, but no, it was not.

The next day, I get a call from Student Services or something and the Dean of SS (Coincidental abbreviation? I think not) wants to talk to me about the incident. I get to her office on Wednesday and notice that she's a babe. So not only do I get to tell her about how the teacher overreacted, I get to check out her legs as she's taking down notes too? Thank you deviance! In the end, nothing happened, except that it was a win-win-win situation: My teacher got resolution in that I talked to her superior, the Dean did her job by pretending to give a shit about my teacher, and I got to stare at an 8/10 for half an hour.

If movies were real, all police sergeants would be middle-aged black men who are married, are sick of disobedient employees and do things by the book...unless that rebel detective pushes him to bend the rules for JUSTICE.

I watched Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut a couple nights ago. I wish I could explain how amazing it is and why you need to see that movie ASAP, especially if you have a penis, have had a penis or really wish you had one. Here's a list of things you'll see if you watch this movie:
  • Nicole Kidman's bare ass in the opening scene
  • Tom Cruise rubbing Kidman's tits
  • Two hott chicks wanting to fuck Tom Cruise
  • A hott naked hooker
  • Nicole Kidman naked
  • Kidman's bare tits
  • Angry Kidman's tits
  • Flirty Kidman's tits
  • Drunk Kidman's tits
  • Jealous Kidman's tits
  • Aroused Kidman's tits
  • Dream Sequence Kidman's tits
  • Stoned Kidman's tits
  • Disappointed Kidman's tits
  • Vengeful Kidman's tits
  • Confused Kidman's tits
  • Adulterous Kidman's tits
  • Sad Kidman's tits
  • Apathetic Kidman's tits
  • Dangerous Kidman's tits
  • and a 15min. brothel/orgy sequence.
Now to move on with no transition what-so-ever...

I actually felt like I was being punished for all my "sins" last night, when I went to go see Punisher: War Zone with some friends (Fo' free). It started off harmless enough, a decent title sequence and although I'm not going to review it, I want to mention some things. Despite it being one of the worst movies this year, I would still fuck the juices out of Lexi Alexander, although I would now feel a bit dirty and shameful after wards...and snuggling would be totally out of the question. However, the Punisher literally jumps off a semi to drop the People's Elbow on a generic bad guy. Completely unnecessary and ridiculous? Yes. Fucking awesome? Yes. The makeup was so bad, I was half-expecting Jigsaw to start walking up to people and ask "You wanna know how I got these plastic stitches?" Oh, and for all my fellow members of the Aryan Brotherhood, there's plenty of racism in the last 20min. of the film, including a black guy with dreadlocks who loves running and jumping and talks with a horribly harsh Irish accent (Also, can you tell Billy to stop untagging me on the Facebook Group photos?).

There's only one thing I can post that can follow all the ridiculousness that I described above, and yes, it's fucking hilarious because it's true...

I'll leave you with something that is necessary in times like these...something...motivational, inspirational and...lovable:

Monday, December 1, 2008

Day 57

I really hate motivational posters but I actually laughed at this...

Line of the Week: Rape: An American Family Tradition -IHOP Excursion

You know how sometimes you think you're getting a deal when you're actually not because you're completely unawares of any effects of said "deal?" Well I do, and I can safely say it probably almost killed me...except not.

I'm talking about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. After getting out of class and doing some stuff at home, I went to Ryan's house and from there, a few of us decided to go to Sonic. Why would I, Homero, the guy who eats Chicken McNuggets like they're Chicken McNuggets, ever want to go somewhere other than McDonalds? Well if I stop interrupting myself in the 3rd person, I'll tell you. On this fateful day, Sonic deemed it necessary to make all Corn Dogs only 50 cents...naturally, I decided to buy five of them, along with an order of Tater Tots and a large coke. I wish I could remember actually eating them all but I wasn't sober enough, althuogh I'm pretty sure I was crying while I tried to finish the last one...what a horrible idea.

Lets talk about Turkey Day and shit. I woke up feeling like shit onThursday, made myself some waffles (Perfect after corn dogs) and brought a Christmas tree into existence...just like this God character I hear so much about. It wasn't even that hard. I really don't get why he gets all this praise and I end up getting itchy fingers...it's bullshit. I mean, I did it while watching a marathon of America's Best Dance Crew which is actually very similar to Very Flexible High School Drop Outs.

Afterwards, I went to my aunts house to watch my family members get fat. Before we ate, however, my family stood in a circle around the food (Because that's what you're supposed to worship in Catholicism) and I watched them foolishly give thanks to, again, this God character. Seriously, who does that? Especially on a fay that has the word thanks in the title. By the time he actually get their message of thanks, it'll be January and he'll be too busy working on Super Bowl commercials and protecting Obama on the inaguration. I was the smart one though because I caught God on Facebook Chat, and even though he didn't reply because of his status (God is stroking his...ego!), I sent him a message to his email. I didn't give thanks, I just asked him why the hell he made The Dark Knight DVD so fucking retarded...it's not even worth buying. Case in point, God's been an arrogant asshole this year.

Working this weekend I noticed two things:
  1. Twilight fans are more retarded than I previously feared.
  2. Black people who last saw Soul Men, saw Transporter 3...
...so blacks like stupid comedy and Jason Statham. I actually have a theory that they have a thing for guys with English accents, especially if they're in an action movie, but I'll have to wait until The International comes out for me to test that.

Sorry about the short updates lately, I'm normally much better about it, but I've been too busy lately...especially with all the 20 DVDs I bought on African-American Friday. My next movie is Raging Bull, followed by Domino and then Se7en. Next week I'll explain to everyone how the ICEE came to be, but until then, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Day 56

What. The. Fuck?!

Line of the Week: Blasphemy High Five -Me, to Matt, at Starbucks with these two chicks.

Herro, herro. Not much has happened this week aside from various situations that ocurred during work and school, but hopefully you'll enjoy hearing about them as much as I did experiencing them. Or not, I don't really care, it's not like I'm getting paid for this. However, I did update the Films of 2008 section to the right, so you can see what films are worth checking out for the rest of the year!!

I thought this was interesting story, apparently, John McCain, a full 15 days after the election results were counted, has won Missouri. Like Morgan watching Twilight at a screening before everyone else, this is one of those cases where you can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

While I was working on Saturday, a redneck with poor posture came and bought some tickets. After I gave him the total, he looks at me with a slightly confused look, glances down at his wallet and asks "American?" Umm...no, I want you to pay me in fucking rupees, of course American dollars. Jesus, it's not like this is Somalia, where you can pay in sand or whatever...some people.

Later, towards the evening, I had this exchange with two women:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Woman 1: I'm doing good
Woman 2: We're good
Woman 1: Let me get one adult for Twilight
Me: Alright...here's your ticket, and there's your menu and coaster.
Woman 2: Let me get the same thing.
Me: Ok
Woman 1: Oh, and we don't need another menu, we can share this one. We're easy.
Me: .....
Woman 2: ....
Me: ...ummm, I don't think that came out the way you wanted that to.
Woman 1: Huh? OOP! Oh my god!
Woman 2 and Me: Hahahahaha

It was much funnier in person, especially since she was giddier than a Japanese school girl at a Hello Kitty convention...that comment made her happiness turn into embarrassment REALLY fast.

This is one of those instances where the saying "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" does NOT apply...what a shame.

I met some chick from New York this week and despite not being at all like the girls I saw while I was in New York a while ago, she DID have the accent. She said things like "coouffee" and "reap" and it was fantastic because I could tell she thought I was interested when I was actually just asking her questions so I could hear her say more words. I was literally like "Oh my god, you have an accent? That is...so...awesome, I want to stick my penis in your mouth. I mean, WOW."

Ok, that last part my have come out something like "So when did you move here?" but I'm pretty sure she understood what I meant.

Oh, and I also met her friend, whose name is December...yeah, not even I could make that shit up. She's like 3 feet tall and is hispanic, which means I'd sooner masturbate with soap than try and go out with her...but hey, maybe next week I'll find someone worth talking to! Maybe not.

Well that's about it, next week I'm going to write either a rant or a topical entry like my Rape or Resident Evil ones, so watch for that. I'll end this rather short entry with a clip from Ricky Gervais' interview on Inside the Actor's Studio, premiering in January:

Monday, November 17, 2008

Day 55

Like I've said before, marketing majors are superior to all...

Line of the Week: All Rockets, No Sockets...Andy Richter with his Bon-A Constrictor...Artie Lang with his Hearty Wang -Conan O' Brien Sausage Week

Woo woo for busy people, and when I say woo woo I actually don't mean that, so take it as you will...did the previous sentence make any sense? I thought it may have not, so lets enjoy it...for now.

I've recently arrived to the conclusion that women are, in fact, much more shallow than men. You see, the only reason the Jonas Brothers, Michael Phelps or Bobcat Bob get laid is because of their social hierarchy and social influence/power. If these guys weren't on TV chances are they'd be at home masturbating to Lorelai from Gilmore Girls like everyone else, but because they have more coverage than what's entering Paris Hilton, they're loved by women around the world. Like I said though, if they weren't as famous as they are, most girls wouldn't even give them a second look or the time of day, night, dusk and that weird time when it's none of those and you feel really sleepy. Men on the other hand, don't care whether you're life consists of being inside the social elite or the socially inept and live in a cardboard box; if you're hott, we'll get all up in there (You can quote me on that). I think the only thing that can actually sway a guy from a girl is hygiene, a shower is a must because as much as we love boobs, we're not going to go and make two piles of mud and motor boat them...not because it's weird, but because we don't remember to pay for health care.

I always forget how funny Roger Ebert is...and then he writes something like this.

After work last week, Dan invited me to go with him to some small get together and since I was starving, I made him stop at McDonalds so I could get some of those fantastic Chicken McNuggets. While in line, I noticed that my pants had a ridiculous amount of fuzz all over my pants and needed something sticky to get it off, so I asked Dan, half-jokingly, if he had any duct tape like the kind for rape and stuff. He did! Then, to continue that though process, I asked him if he had scissors to make precise cuts, like you would cut your victim's hair so that people don't recognize her...or you have slightly homosexual tendencies and decided those bangs had to go. he DID!! Then I asked him for a knife, in case she's seen too much...and lo and behold, in his pocket no less, Dan pulled out a fucking knife...I have the weirdest friends.

So Obama is now president...so I guess that's cool. To be honest though, I can't believe Americans actually elected one of those people...

...of course, I'm talking about him being a Hawaiian. Seriously guys, have you ever had Hawaiian Pizza? It's fucking HORRIBLE. Hawaiians actually took something as perfect as pizza and fucking ruined it...and now we've got one of them in office? It's disgusting. Not only that, I hear Starbucks wants to make an Obama Coffee; you know what that's gonna be like, right? A coffee with enough milk to make it extremely light-brown with a bunch of pineapple chunks...way to drop the ball America...we could've had it all with Bob Barr, but no, you fucked up and now we all have to pay for it.

I also saw Changeling last week and a thought came to my mind while watching it that I'm trying to resolve. Why didn't she just get a DNA test to prove he wasn't her kid? I was furiously contemplating this for the longest time until it hit me, Angelina Jolie would never think to utilize a DNA test to prove that her son was actually not her son because NONE of her kids are related to her...here's to hoping she kept receipts. Oh, and aside from the surprise ending, the movie was really damn boring and uninspired, I don't see any Oscar nominations for this picture.

Alright, I'm gonna go watch Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire at an early screening tomorrow night so I gotta get some reading done for this history professor that won't stop living in the past. I'll leave you with a video that exemplifies one of my theories about comedy...it's funnier when it's completely serious, which is why SNL is only worth watching once a month and Kristen Wiig needs to get her own comedy show:

Monday, November 10, 2008

No Update Today

I have a bunch of presentations and projects due all this week, so I won't update until Wednesday or so.

However, tomorrow is the Comedy Night event at Lone Star College. It starts at 7pm in the Conference center and is completely free. I'll be doing a 10min. set to open for Houston comedian Billy D. Washington. Come check it out, it'll be fun, and maybe I'll go out to eat afterwards and get myself some McNuggets...holla!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day Super-Special-Happy-Love-Time-Hour Update!!

In lieu of today being the most annoying Election day in all of history, I decided to post the best speech ever given to mankind by any President of The United States of America:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

-President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) in Independence Day (1996).

Monday, November 3, 2008

Day 54

Yes and I needed four pictures, and yes, those are the cheerleaders of the Jacksonville Jaguars dressed up as female Ghostbusters...it's like my recurring wet dream!!!!

Line of the Week: Smell the dick on the kid. -Taylor reciting lyrics from some band...

Hokay, I've been way too busy this past week and weekend to do a structured and really elaborate update, but I'll be on it next weekend. I'm just going to do some quick rambling and then embed a bunch of funny videos in hopes of mild compensation.

I started working at Studio Movie Grill (Hwy 6 and West Rd.) on Friday, and I'll be working there every weekend. That's the main reason why I couldn't update, but it's not to say the job is imposing, I just need to get used to the schedule. It's fun and it means that I'll be watching more movie more often now. I'm going to see RockNRolla tonight at Rave, Rachel Getting Married downtown tomorrow and Changeling at SMG on Thursday...if you want to see any of those, text me.

After work on Friday, I quickly changed into shorts, flip-flops, a dirty t-shirt with oil/dirt stains and a hat like Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Then I went to Megan's house for the Halloween party where Ashley was a slutty cop, Anna was a slutty devil, Megan was a slutty ladybug, Heather was a slutty teacher, Rachel was a slutty hippie and the guys just wore formal or ridiculously casual clothes...Halloween is the best!!

I went to Taylor's coffee place-thing-location after seeing Zack and Miri Make a Porno (again) with Raul and Lindsay on Saturday, and found out that they support my position that if I had a nuclear bomb, I would detonate it over College Station before I would detonate it over Afghanistan...because it's the worse of two evils. Oh, and then we found out all about this Pepe Silvia and Carol characters that don't exist and the Day Bow Bow...fucking hilarious:

Day Bow Bow

Pepe Silve and Carol in H.R.

Also, I've recently found out that Half Price Books is selling DVDs for less than $5!! THE FOOLS!! They don't even know how they're looooooosing and I'm winning. You see, I went in just to buy some book for class, but I walked out with the book and three DVDs for the price of one expensive meal...so you have to ask yourself, who really won? The same guy that has two thumbs but doesn't really use them to type and never noticed that until now: THIS GUY!! I'm going to get There Will be Blood, Borat, The Untouchables and any Stanley Kubrick film I can find as soon as I get my first paycheck, HOLLA!

Alright, I'm done, remember...DON'T VOTE. Seriously, it's the most unpatriotic thing you could do and chances are we'll all die if you end up doing so. It's true, here's two different kinds of proof:

Seriously, don't fucking vote or I'll track your IP and stab you in you aorta...which, according to Dexter, is the fastest and easiest way to kill a man...or woman.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 53

Maybe abortion is wrong...

Line of the Week: I'm shooting babies, no ifs, ands or maybes -Randy quoting the Notorious B.I.G.

I want to start off by saying that not only is it fucking exciting that Halloween is this Friday, but that if you don't go to a Halloween party dressed up, you're mentally retarded. Like, seriously...retarded...in the mental way. The only people exempt from this are middle schoolers because, well, they're already mentally retarded.

I bought the Casino Royale 3-Disc Collector's Edition on Friday and holy shit, it's badass, there's so much stuff to watch and the only downside was trying to open the damn thing. The package consisted of two plastic wrappers, which is like wearing two condoms; they're annoying and cause much pain afterwards. Then, there was a box to hold the box with the actual discs...yes, a box inside of a motherfucking box. Damn you Sony, you're like the bastards who attached my Power Rangers' Zords to the cardboard using 53 twist ties...

* * * Random Contest!! * * *
I drive a Taurus and while hanging out with Taylor on Friday we came up with the genius idea to write the letters "CLI" before the name on the back of the car. Obviously, we weren't going to do it to my car, but if you do it to another car (No permanent markers, that counts as vandalism) and take a picture, I'll give you a prize of some sort.

The real big news this weekend was the "gig" that Allen and I got on Saturday. It was at College Station, so after sleeping in on Saturday and watching Sin City with director commentary, Allen and Daniel came over and we headed out (But not after hitting up McDonalds for my Chicken McNuggets). When we got to the place, what we thought was going to be a pretty decent sized event, ended up being a group of like 20 Asian nerds, the girls looked like something straight out of F.O.B. Magazine.

Afterwards, we went to the most fucking surreal party I have ever been to. Seriously, there was an Asian guy yelling half the time with the weirdest Martin Lawrence impersonation I (thought) have ever heard. Then there were weird people also yelling, some mute fucking annoying chick that tried to force me to take a Jello shot while I had a beer in my hand...I would've stabbed her but I couldn't move my arm too much or find a knife fast enough, or a place without witnesses...oh, and it's also illegal I think. Then, after spilling over ten Jello shots that caused even more yelling by the Asian guy, she spit a Jello shot at some guy, but because she's fucking stupid and drunk she hit Dan's face, my hair and hoodie and the wall behind us.

We ended up chilling at someone's house and crashing there after watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street. The whole night was pretty funny, mediocre, but funny. Some of the lines that came up through the eventful night though, were absolutely ridiculous:

If we get pulled we can just say "That wasn't a U-Turn, motherfucker, that was CLEARLY two left turns!!"
Me, on making a U-Turn where it there's a No U-Turn sign.

It's so hard picking out a new bible...I wish I had some help
Allen exclaiming loudly in the Christian section of Barnes and Nobles

What the fuck is that? It smells and sounds like Paki Techno Night...
Me, on some random Indian event we passed

Knock knock - Who's there? - Whore - Whore-who? - That act was fucking horrible...
Allen and I tag-teaming a gay Asian-singing-duo

For a restaurant that only makes chicken tenders, you'd think they'd be good...
Me, on Raising Cane's Chicken Tenders (mediocrity at its worse)

...and the highlight of the night: HOWDY fAGS!
Allen "editing" the parking lot sign that read "Howdy Ags!"...way too easy.

I stopped watching Heroes a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine recently reminded me of it so I thought I'd make a couple observations about it. I left it because the Heroes writers went fucking insane with the writing, adding three twists to each episode. The worst one was when we found out that every character was related...seriously. I'm pretty sure that if Angela Petrelli had AIDS from the time that she was a teenager EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER would also have it. the family through sex or birth, Niki Sanders, D.L. Hawkins, Micah Sanders and who knows who else...then we could call the show "Heroes for Rent." Yeah, I know it's an easy joke, but I like it.

Until next week, don't forget about the contest make sure you DO NOT VOTE...seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Ignore what Leonardo DiCaprio, Sarah Silverman and Kyra Sedgewick said, don't wake up early in the next 8 days to vote. It's a terrible idea, you have to wait in line, most of the states are already locked into the same political party they've been with lately and you'll probably have to listen to someone else's opinion about something...and really, who wants that?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Day 52

Reality Comics just never caught on...

Line of the Week: Don't even get me started on Chili's Semen -Dan

A big week has been in the works, and by works I mean past tense, and by past tense I mean this sentence doesn't make sense.

I watched the premiere episode of that new TV show: My Own Worst Enemy. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did and I regret it; they should've called it My Own Worst Television Experience. You know what's worse than Christian Slater? Two Christian Slaters...Jesus, that guy is fucking annoying and he's the exact opposite of a badass killer.

I was in my Sociology class and while we were talking about Collective Behavior, which happens when something tragic happens like a hurricane or something, causing people to come together under different circumstances, my teacher was showing us pictures of various infamous events in history and when she came upon a picture of the WTC collapsing and people running away from a large cloud of smoke, she said "Of course you all know what this is." To which I replied, loud and clear, "Oh...yeah, Cloverfield." I'll be damned if it didn't have everyone in the class laughing, save the teacher...and this Indian chick, she started to laugh but I told her she wasn't allowed to.

I bought Punch-Drunk Love (2-Disc Collecters Edition) for $9.99 from Fry's last Wednesday and when I got home and opened up the plastic wrapping, the plastic holding one of the DVDs in place fell on my lap into pieces. The DVD was also scratched to where it would only play maybe 15min. of th emovie before it would skip and go back to the beginning. I took it back on Thursday and after I get my replacement DVD, the guy who was helping me (Imagine an older Bobby Lee with a stronger accent and a deep sadness in his eyes) puts the scratched DVD in the box and sticks a label on it that read "Opened Product - $8.99." Needless to say, if you're buying software of any kind at Fry's, make sure you stay away from the discounted ones, because they don't fucking work...wtf?

I went to an early screening of Zack and Miri Make a Porno with Dan and after sitting down for a bit, we see some kid with an official Pokemon hat on and a Mewtwo shirt on, come in. I immediately say "Oh, shit, Ash Ketchum is here, you'd all better hide your pikachus...even though he technically shouldn't be here because he should be working on completing his Pokedex." Then, Dan reminds me of what movie we're seeing and I exclaim outloud for all those around me to hear "What the hell? This movie is a Kevin Smith film, rated R, about two adults making a porno, and this lady decided to bring her 9 year old kid with her?...what a horrible mother." This made at least 4 strangers around me laugh in surprise...either that or because I actually had the audacity to say that a mother was horrible, who knows? Homero - 1, Parenting Magazine - 0.

I recently found the first CD I ever burned back in the late 90s, I knew it was the first CD I had ever burned because the very first song was Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At?...good times. Oh, and it also had this classic tune.

I've noticed, in the past 2-3 weeks, that a lot of my friends are MUCH more closed minded than I had previously thought. It's astounding and this is where I noticed the little differences between me and other people. You see, where most people would be appalled by this and begin to find new friends, I've actually enjoyed this little enlightenment because it affirms my status as being superior to them. If you assume you're superior to everyone, when you find someone that's really cool or unique and interesting, they shine and stick out in your mind, and if they turn out to be a typical human being, you're not surprised and you continue to live on happily...on a completely unrelated note, I'm officially an enormous fan of Dexter. Seriously, next to The Joker's monologue in the interrogation room from The Dark Knight, this guy has some of the best and most resounding lines I've ever heard.

I'll be honest, I didn't believe we were in a recession of any sort until I was at H-E-B last night and the cashier noticed my mom buying a bug pack of Doublemint gum and said she's probably have to get some as a stocking stuffer. Some packs of gum as a stocking stuffer? I'm pretty sure that's considered an insult in some countries...like The United States. I'd rather not get anything in a stocking than get gum. It's like if I stuffed my mom's stocking with vaginal cleaning supplies, I might as well throw them at her while saying "Here, clean yourself up, you're making us all sick with that smell."

...or something like that.

So I've been having a pretty solid streak of good ideas lately and while I was eating dinner at a pizza place with my mom on Sunday, another one hit me like a shot in a light bulb with a voltage of 1.21 Jigawatts. Egg Pizza. That's right mofos, it's pizza with eggs as a fucking topping that you can have for breakfast! I'm not sure if it's Atkins friendly yet, but I'll check on that later.

I'll leave you with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:

Until next time: Eggs, motherfucker! Do you eat them?!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Day 51


Line of the Week: I'm so left-wing I'm Korean -Me...kinda.

Before I begin typing the next paragraph thing I need to mention that I have an announcement.

I have an announcement:
I tried out for a Comedy Night at Lone Star and I got it, it's November 11th at 7pm at Lone Star, room CENT 135. Here's the Facebook Page for more info...oh, and it's free.

So the Presidential debates happened last week or something...so that's cool I guess. I could talk about them but I didn't watch them, instead I decided to watch reruns of House. Why reruns? I can't remember...oh yeah, it was because the debates canceled the new episode of House for the week...assholes. I did manage to catch a minute though, between a set of boring commercials. John McCain said we went into Somalia as peacemakers and all I could think is "...he's obviously never seen Black Hawk Down, because we went into Somalia as badass mofos...and Orlando Bloom died."

Wednesday I went to Jason's Deli with Nicole and Aaron and while we were eating outside a lady pulls up to a handicapped spot and parks in it and walks out of my line of site. Dumbfounded, I say "What the fuck? That lady wasn't even crippled!" Then she walks back into my line of site whilst holding a baby, and I immediately, without thinking, say "Oh...well maybe her baby' is handicapped." Stupid? Yes, but it was hilarious at the time because, technically, aren't all babies handicapped? Besides, strollers are just really comfy wheelchairs. Now every time I see a baby, I imagine them trying to walk with the help of a pair of 6 inch tall crutches.

Afterwards, Aaron goes to work and Nicole and I hit up Barnes and Noble's for a bit, only to find out that they completely changed the layout of the entire store. While I was in the self-help section looking for the philosophy section all I could think is that I needed self-help book on how to navigate through new Barnes and Nobles layouts. After walking around for a bit, I passed the religion section and paused when I noticed a few things.
They have three Christianity Bibly Sections:
  1. Travel Bibles for the Christian on-the-go.
  2. Bible Bibles for the Stationary Christian.
  3. Study Bibles for the Uneducated Christian that can't read comprehensively.
They also have a Manga Bible, where Jesus is a Ninja...there's part where the image shows Jesus giving/throwing a bunch of stuff at someone and the line, that's obviously straight from the real Bible, is "...and he let it rip!" Don't believe I actually saw it? Click here for a credible documentation of this event.

The next day, before my Sociology class, that ended up being canceled, I had this interesting conversation with this chick from the class. I wish I could make this up but it's true and definitely beating the time I convinced a friend I was Jewish, or convincing a friend at Texas Tech that midgets weren't real (She's a communications major so it doesn't technically count).

Anyways, she was like 17 or something anddefinitely looked like the type that believed Jurassic Park was based on a true story. We were talking about cars and whatnot and I told her that the carborator breaks down the carbs in gasoline. She initially refused to believe this but then I laid told her that that's why it was called a carb-orator, and that the transmission breaks down the Trans Fat in gasoline. She started laughing like it might be silly but I decided to press on. The next line I fed her I was particularly proud of: "Yeah, you know how ethanol is made purely from corn? Well corn, and the oil used in gasoline, also comes from the ground, which is littered with carbohydrates and trans fat and it creates the energy for our cars." She believed it for about 30 seconds when she began to ask her friend about it and between the ensuing spurts of laughter I told her I was joking.

Do you like porn, but not the sex? Me too. Do you like Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni and want to watch them not have sex? Me too! You should check out PG Porn, courtesy of Chud!

In my history class today, we talked about Imperialism and Nationalism, neither of which are interesting, but my responses to my professor's questions caused laughter from him and the students:
Question: What had American's invested in that made them want to annex Hawaii?
My Answer: T-Shirts with flowers on them?

Question: What nationwide common bond makes us all Americans?
My Answer: Miley Cyrus.

I'll leave you with this because it reminds me of myself when I was younger...

Wait, scratch that, I was trying to decide what video to leave you with, but then I remembered this is my website and I can post whateva I wantz, so I'll actually be leaving you with another Jake and Amir video:

DID YOU KNOW...that I have three politic-related items in this entry? Because I totally does.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Day 50

This is why I'm a Marketing major...

Line of the Week: I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you. -Dwight Schrute

Well look at this, it's my 50th official update...I guess that means I'm allowed to be disrespectful to cops, mix business with pleasure and start my own church and/or cult. I'm not sure which one I'll do first, it's a tough decision, but maybe I'll just eat some shrooms out in the desert and see what the powers-that-be think.

While Anne Hathaway was on Letterman, she forgot what her clip from Rachel Getting Married was about and said that she brain fart, but CBS wasn't having none of that and actually censored it by changing the captions to say "brain freeze." At least I can still watch not-so-subtle racism and stereotyping from my favorite Disney films.

HEB was the name of my destination on Thursday, and while I was in the express lane, you know, for those who live in the fast lane, I picked up some random magazine with Uma Thurman on the cover. Behind it however, was another magazine that had Halle Berry or some other black actress on the cover, which was like a bug zapper to the black lady in front of me. She grabbed the magazine, set it down on the conveyor belt, flipped (not even skimming) through a few pages and decided to buy it...which was illustrated when she put back her bottle of cooking oil. That's right, she had to choose between cooking her family dinner and reading up on the newest Tyler Perry piece of crap, and she ended up choosing the latter.

Thursday night I went to see Blindness, the new film by Fernando Merielles (City of God, The Constant Gardener), starring Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. Before the film, I read that the National Federation of the Blind (or something similar) was going planning on boycotting the film on the basis of it being offensive, as described by, get this, "some blind patrons who had seen it." First of all, you didn't "see" it, you heard it, and secondly, how many blind people actually go to movie theaters? It's like a deaf person going to a concert, or an amputee entering a swimming competition...there's really no point...then I saw the film. I won't actually review it, but let's just say I was squirming in my seat because of how bad it was, it actually made me envy the blind because they wouldn't have to remember seeing this horrendous "movie" as I did. If you watch this movie and enjoyed it, I'll think less of you as a person...which I'm considering making into a post on The Reel Truth sometime this month.

If you're reading this and wondering to yourself if you're a man or not, here's a quick guide that may help you answer that question.

Friday however, was a completely different story. In the morning after class, I had a weird conversation with some friends and it eventually got around to how we slept. We came to one conclusion, although they may lie about it in front of girls (So they can imagine them in that way), guys don't sleep naked. It's just something you don't do. Who wants their penis just hanging and flapping around at night? Also, sleeping naked deprives you of having a textile layer of protection between you and your bed if you have a wet dream. Messy boxers? 2min. fix and you're back asleep. Messy mattress? Either you find somewhere else to sleep and wash it the next day or you'd better get used to sleeping in your own cum. See? Not a pleasent experience, but a notable observation.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, grabbed some McDonalds (Chicken Nuggets) and went to Taylor's house. We chilled there with a couple of friends, watching The Office and talking about politics, religion and whatever else you're not "supposed" to talk about, and then headed off to the movie theater. We went and saw How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, which confirmed my previous allegations that Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox aren't attractive and can't act (MTV Movie Awards are already being made with their name on them), studios are idiots if they think that sticking Simon Pegg into a terrible American comedy will produce success and that Gillian Anderson is indeed, delicious and a good actress. Then we snuck into Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which was MUCH better, and even though Michael Cera is starting to get annoying by playing the same person in every movie, film makers refuse to use Kat Denning's 34 DDs to their advantage. We went to Denny's after that and ended up talking outside for over an hour, having pretty healthy conversations...and you know what they say about healthy conversations.

What could I possibly leave at the end of my 50th update that would ensure laughter? Oh wait, this:

Not laughing? Well you're an idiot, but have no fear, Jake and Amir are here:

Monday, September 29, 2008

Day 49

Mac and Jeep owners get the same response: Grow up, get a real job and get yourself a PC you fucking hipsters...

Line of the Week: Social Darwinism is about how can get it on the most -My history teacher

So I'm going to get a job. What? Yeah, I know, and it's going to be at a movie theater (Studio Movie Grill) so that I can cause system errors and make sure to avoid anyone that voluntarily buys a ticket to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Fireproof, Monsters Vs. Aliens, An American Carol or Bolt...because anyone who buys a ticket to those movies was already going to call it the "best movie ever" beforehand.

On Friday, immigration in the 1900s was the topic for History class, and when the political cartoons started showing up, racism began to be prevalent, accepted and humorous. Most people couldn't figure out Dutch stereotypes (Wooden shoes, retards) so I had to make those calls and one of my favorite instances was when a large negro fellow behind me saw a four leaf clover and said "One of those lucky plant things", to which I sarcastically replied "One of those lucky plant things? Is that the technical term for it" which finally got the class laughing for the first time this damn semester. Oh, and when a picture of a Chinese rapist was shown I said that it "looks like one of them chinamen...you know, because of the raping..." this only caused laughter in me. I think everyone has pegged me as That Racist Guy.

Here's one thing I don't get: midget's and comedy. Ever since I've been a kid I've found those little things more of an annoyance than the opposite. They're not funny, Mini-Me wasn't funny in Austin Powers or The Love Guru, midget jokes aren't funny and the only kind of miniature talking bipeds I wanna see are Jawas and Smurfs. Now I'm not saying all of them need to get out of any spotlight that I could happen to see, just the ones that didn't play R2D2 or Willow...the rest need to get out of my films and go back to wrestling dogs or whatever it is they do.

I went to an early screening of Choke on Thursday night with Dan and ended up getting a bunch of free posters and coasters. The film was great, I have a review on The Reel Truth and afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and I was blessed to see a waitress lift up her uniform to scratch her fat roles. Then, three really ghetto black guys sat down at a table next to us and as I watched them silently from the shadows of my table, they began to be a bit rowdy and laughed like most black guys laugh by not actually laughing, but instead just making a sound that could only be described as somewhere between a hack and cackling giggles. This wasn't funny by itself however, the best part was that all three were drinking fruity alcoholic drinks out of margarita glasses. I quickly flipped through the drink menu and found that they were drinking Berry Margaritas...probably while rhymin' bout dem hoes.

Afterwards, I went home and caught up on The Office season premier and the two new It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes. They were great, hilarious and if you're not watching them you're missing out on a part of life that will always be kept in the dark for you...you're basically destroying any chance of happiness you may have at this time.

I was thinking about the myth of the Sandman and how he sprinkles sand on people to make us have dreams, and what I want to know is how he makes us have wet dreams...what kind of sad is that perverted mofo using?

The next day, I watched Eagle Eye and then went to Dan's house for his birthday thing. To make a mildly short story even more mildly short; over 30 Chicken McNuggets went in my mouf and we watched Diary of the Dead, which had a mute Amish man who stabs himself with a scythe...no joke. When I went home I found my parents and my uncle talking about the abuse of help after hurricanes. My mom started going off saying all sorts of hateful things like "It's terrible, people like us are working for their money while they get a FEMA card and buy alcohol whithout having to do anything fo it" to which I replied, "Yeah, but they're black...so who's really winning here?".

This is the ONLY Spike Lee related video I will ever post, and only because it has Edward Norton with the best Fuck You Speech in all existence:

Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 48

Yet another way to solve Childhood Obesity...

Line of the Week: ...back like a night after a bad taco -Sylar on the Heroes season premier. Worst. Line. Ever.

LoTW Runner-Up: Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten - Charlize Theron on Jay Leno

Damn it's been a hell of a busy week and boy are my arms tired...

...wait, I fucked that up. I've been doing so much out of the ordinary activities that my mind is all out of whack and my horrible puns have been ample proof of that. Hell, I laughed at a pun my History professor made today. He was talking about the 24 hour coverage of hurricane Ike for almost six days straight, which you'll remember I talked about last week, and he said that he tried to watch whatever news he could that wasn't "drowned out by Ike"....worst pun ever? Maybe. Most unexpected pun at 9:25am? Definitely.

Because I'm unorganized, this entry is going to be told all Pulp Fiction-like, but don't worry, I'm not gonna go completely Tarantino on you...well, at least until Inglorious Bastards comes out. Saturday consisted of fucking insanity...seriously...fucking, insanity.

On Saturday, I woke up at 6am, got ready and waited for Timmy and Allen and his friends to show up before we went to work for my dad, ripping out wallpaper, insulation and ceiling tiles from an office building. We did this from 8am, to 8pm...literally sunrise to sunset, black to black and so on. Each time I climbed the stairs all the way to the fourth floor it felt like a million knives gre penises and were raping my calves from the inside out and didn't even have the common courtesy to use lube like a professional. My car smelled like ass after being in it for five seconds, and what seemed like a good idea at the time, I rolled down my windows, which only resulted in me smelling the B.O. and dried sweat that was coming off of my own body...

At this point, you'd think that I'd be completely exhausted and ready to call it a weekend...but you'd be half-wrong. After I took a long shower,complete with singing and flexing in the mirror while saying "Are you talking to me?", I went online and starting looking for details on some parties I'd heard of. I landed two options, one party was supposedly expecting 50 people, a small amount of liquor but I knew it was going to be nothing but minorities and ghetto, ghetto, ghetto. The other party had a shitload of alcohol, a bit smaller group probably consisting of hipsters, indie "rockers" and probably some fatties and in College Station, although I would be able to spend the night there. I ended up selecting the latter and went with Aaron, him driving, while I closed my eyes and spewed out random, absurd comments as entertainment.

One thing I forgot to do, however, was print out the Google Maps directions, and for some reason I thought if I committed the satellite picture to memory I could find it...except I forgot the street name, apartment name and number and while the satellite photo was taken during the daytime, it was blacker than Akon and the girl who's party it was, had HER FUCKING PHONE OFF. So now I'm lost in College Station with Aaron...two skinny Mexican kids lost in a town that would give Bush a sloppy deepthroating blowjob with a smile on their face if they had the chance. We pull over at a gas station and since I'm furious, I begin to spew out rage-filled comments, one of our favorite was "Ugh, goddamn it, if only I could ask Information where all the fat, ugly chicks went..." I think I was laughing for a good two minutes after that one.

One phone call to Nicole and her Blackberry internet-filled phone later, we arrive at the party that was filled with the exact people I thought it would have. Luckily, it was a really chill atmosphere and there was plentiful amounts of beer. There were hipsters with fedoras, a loud, fat guy who had his shirt off more often than not and a guy who looked JUST like Cricket from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...but alas, he was involved with the only cute girl at the party, who was also celebrating her birthday, so I couldn't push him down the stairs as a reason to get him on crutches. After "losing" a game of beer pong (You can never lose if your "punishment" is to drink more beer), some guy threw up on me, however I was pretty drunk at this time and it took me at least thirty seconds to acknowledge, which resulted in my freaking out, wiping it off with a napkin and telling the guy who did it to calm down and that I really didn't give a shit.

At around 3am, a lot of people left and we were left with my friend Leah, Aaron, a couple guys, Hannah the cute chick, Veronica and her BF and Leah's roommates. Shortly thereafter, Leah began to blow chunks all over the floor, herself and a trashcan. This by itself is not that funny, but the best part were the two things that I was involved with. The first was that I mentioned It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Leah, Veronica and I ended up singing Day Man...twice. The second happened between Leah's vomiting spurts, where she would cry out apologies to her roommates, which caused me to laugh uncontrolably...well, it was actually giggling but you get the point. I was then very tired and went to sleep on the couch chair. That's right, the 6ft. tall asshole had to sleep on a fucking chair, luckily Leah woke up early and let me sleep on the sofa, but not before I accidently stepped in the wet stains of the carpet where she had vomited on.

The next day I woke up, still tired and now sore so I let Aaron drive again, and after hitting up McDonalds we saw the weirdest fucking thing. We were just leaving College Station and were stuck in a bit of traffic when all of a sudden we see an Indian lady running across the road construction site to the left and is tackled by an Indian guy, which he did by sweeping the legs. Her crying, he sits next to her, breathing heavily with his arm on her and while 4-9 "concerned" citizens approach, puts his other hand up and points to his car that's about a hundred feet the other way. I was only bothered by all the people going towards them, so what if it was probably Domestic Violence? It's College fucking Station, I'm pretty sure beating women is a requirement for all Right Wing males.

This is a bit random, but one thing that caught my attention Fridat night was a radio commercial. I had forgotten to charge my iPod, so on my way home it died and I had to listen to the radio. I was switching stations every song or so and at one point I went to a pure rock & roll station, 94.5 The Buzz. This radio commercial however, really threw me the fuck off. I was listening to it and after a song it advertised their radio station (As if no one knows what station they're listening to), with the advertisement ending using this line: "Ninety-Fo' Five: The Buzz." What the fuck? Having a rock station use ghetto slang is like someone actually wanting to hear Megan Fox's opinion on...well...anything. It's a cute idea but only retarded people who have never had human contact need apply.

I just saw the season premier of Heroes and I damn was it fucking absurd. It like if the writers got together and said "Fuck continuity, EVERY character is back with their powers, or someone else's...but they'll also die...twice. Oh, and Peter, Clair and Sylar will be over-acting in almost every scene..." I'll still watch the show, but if it doesn't pick up and get to the quality of the first season I'm gonna be pissed. Right now channel 2 local news is on and I have one thing to say: I want to make the most intensly passionate love to Domonique Sachse...she is the most delicious news anchor ever, even hotter than those European ones that strip while they do the news.

Because you've all been so good lately, I'm going to give you the best video clip I've seen the month of September, from the season premier of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Until next week, may the Lord bless you and keep you...

..haha, just kidding.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Day 47

I made this in Photoshop a while ago and you know what? I don't care how nerdy it is, a Rorschach-obsesses Jedi would be the most badass thing since Jack the Ripper.

Line of the Week: Nos vamos a tomar unos tragos coquetos... -Matando Cabos

Some of you may or may not know but there was a pretty weak, albeit enormous, hurricane that beat the shit out of Houston last week. This is the main reason I didn't update sooner, however all is well and I only lost a couple feet of fence...which are still down because we're all too lazy to fix it. I'll delve into my experience of the hurricane at the end of this post.

Let's start off with some a really nerdy and disappointing event from Wednesday that proved to me how you can be a winner and a loser at the same time. Dan and I went to Studio Movie Grill to take advantage of his employees-see-movies-for-free deal to watch Death Race. Upon our arrival, I noticed that the sole hostess/receptionist/chick-who-sells-tickets was having difficulty with a couple of Desi customers. They come to the damn movie theater with a coupon to get a discount but have no idea what film they want to watch, nor have any information on any films being shown in the theater. I barely caught the end of this confusion when I arrived, and the hostess, obviously frustrated and bothered, asks us if we knew anything about Traitor. At this point Dan backs away and I take over and not only explain who stars in the film and give a quick synopsis, but also talk about what other films the actors have been in, what critics have been saying and the general reception of the film. Not only do I do that, they then ask me to recommend them a movie, so I give them the same amount of information for Death Race, Tropic Thunder, The House Bunny and ultimately tell them to watch Traitor...like I said, I was both a winner and a loser at the same time. Now I'm going to apply to work as a host, since I might as well put this knowledge to good use.

We chat with the hostess for a bit and then get tickets to Bangkok Dangerous because I was fucking starving and no one had bought tickets to Death Race.

The next day (Thursday for those keeping count) I went to Taco Cabana with my parents and after I dipped my hands into the ice at the register to wake myself up and made the line laugh with a random sarcastic rant to my parents, we sat down outside and began to eat my bean and cheese nachos, which my ass decided to rape my with later. About five minutes into our meal some lady sitting near us came up to us and asked my mom what she was eating and when my mom said that something else was also good, she said "Oh no, I can't eat, I should be shopping for Ike." These are the last words that I heard before she decided to ramble on and on and on about what she thought about Ike and where her family lived for, and I timed it, 16 minutes. Besides, if you're at the restaurant already, why aren't you eating? It's not like you're going to be shopping while you're at Taco fucking Cabana anyways...dumb bitch. She smelled like death, cigarettes and cold nachos, although the latter may have been caused by my food.

Ike - It happened, and here is my story:
We were fucking prepared, seriously, better prepared than ANYONE else I knew. I had anywhere between 10-12 family members in my house from Friday to Monday and we had enough food to feed everyone at least 3 times a day, if not more. Like Rita however, nothing happened and we only lost power on Saturday from 5am to 3pm. During that time, however, was when the storm as at its worse and the combination of rain and wind was nailing my house harder than a crucifixion. I slept through most of it and only had to deal with a few hours without power, although we had an industrial generator that we turned on so we could watch a movie and play Wii, so to all those that didn't and don't have power...well, I say nothing because it's not like you can even read this damn thing.

I was only awake for maybe an hour or two of the hurricane winds and they were extremely powerful, but knowing how powerful they were made me want to go outside, stake a metal pole into the ground, tie myself to it, hold a digital SLR in one hand and an enormous beer bottle in the other, wearing only boxers and goggles and experience Ike like a man, yelling various lines from action films at the top of my lungs (i.e. Ike to meet you, Yippie-Ikay Motherfucker and Ikecaramba and such). If there wasn't so much debris, I probably would have.

From before the storm, starting on Thursday I believe, the only thing that was on was the news tracking Ike non-stop. This means I didn't get to see Letterman or Conan on either nights and that they were broadcasting this news ceaselessly for over 72 hours, fucking ridiculous. All weekend long we had the TV on and during that time we watched the following films, some of which I was seeing for the third or fourth time:
  • Airplane! - 9/10
  • Matando Cabos - 9.5/10
  • Memento - 8.5/10
  • Blazing Saddles - 8/10
  • Live Free or Die Hard - 7/10
  • Enemy at the Gates - 7.5/10
  • Hot Fuzz - 9/10
  • Young Frankenstein - 10/10
  • The Godfather - 10/10
  • The Godfather Part II - 8.5/10
  • Baby Mama - 8/10
  • Sunshine - 8.5/10
  • Reservoir Dogs - 9/10
Yeah...and you know what? I still can't wait to go to the the movie theater as soon as possible to check out whatever new films are coming out, my love for films is like my love for sesame chicken or cookie cake...it's unconditional, save the "movies" from the "directors" of Meet the Spartans and such. The rest of the time I was hanging out with my cousins, walking around outside while the cold front was in and played with my Wii for the first time in months. I played Super Smash Bros. Brawl with my uncle and my cousin and got some trophy for playing 50 hours of brawls which, again, illustrated how one could be a winner and a loser in the same moment.

I was driving around with my dad and uncle on Sunday (Remember this, it's important) and while we were on our way back form my grandma's house, we saw that a Chick-Fil-A was open...on a SUNDAY! (See? Told you) As soon as I saw this, I said one thing and one thing only: "God is gonna be pi-issed..."

Now that it's over, there are actually people in Galveston (Completely pwned) that actually stuck around and were asking for help, hell I as listening to the radio and this lady was complaining about how she didn't have power and most of her property was destroyed, she didn't have water pressure, that she had cancer and blah-fucking-blah. First of all, why'd you go off and get cancer before hurricane season? Didn't think that one through now did you? Secondly, you stayed when people were evacuating a full three days before the hurricane was supposed to even hit, if anything, I'm pissed you lived through it and I had to hear your fucking voice for more than a scream of pain that somehow acknoledged your stupidity. I hope FEMA and your insurance deny you aid and maybe next time you'll learn to not be a fucking idiot...

I finally left my house on Tuesday and went to Dan's house to hang out and after a while, his sister and her friend began talking about random shit jokes and whatnot and I actually found myself explaining to them what happens in 2 Girls 1 Cup. Also, I played Rock Band and rocked out on the vocals since I was the only person with any experience in singing, never got a score lower than 91% and received a 100% Flawless rating on one song and one song only: Blondie - Call Me...yet again, I was both a winner and a loser simultaneously.

Now it's Thursday and I'm finally updating this because I just got internet at around 7pm, while hoping I actually get to leave my house more than once this week. I'll try to get something more interesting to post for next week but I've been kind of busy lately. I'll leave you with the SNL skit featuring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sen. Palin and Sen. Clinon, respectively:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hurricane Ike...

fucking killed my internetz, so you'll have to wait, just like me, for Comcast to get off their asses in Galveston and help the people of Cypress...

However, if I see one more fucking family going to the store to buy 7 cases of beer, I'm going to fucking shove a french bread up their asses...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Television and Grey's Anatomy

I was going to do a regular update today but I realized that, aside from seeing Mitch Fatel last week at the Improv (Hilarious by the way), I haven't done a goddamn thing. However, I do have some news, I'm going to start working on articles for CollegeHumor, if I can do enough of them and, if they're good enough, I can eventually get paid to be funny, which would be pretty badass. For now, I think I'll just give you a description of an idea I had about a year ago and then end in a small rant.

I want there to be a special where all the drama shows come together; Law and Order: SVU, CSI, and medicine shows like ER, Scrubs and House.

First, a crime in Las Vegas would take place and then, in some seemingly random house, Gil Grissom would be all like "What up mofos? I'm looking for clues, and I like bugs." He would then proceed to have mildly condescending conversations with his team for about twenty minutes, when all of a sudden, some bad guys would break out of the garage in a car (Ford Explorer, if you really must know), so he'd have to call the Law-half of the SVU people and they'd be like "got it Grissom, we're on his tail!"

So now they're chasing them in Las Vegas, and even though SVU takes place in NYC, it's A-OK because it's a completely new cast starring Kristen Bell, Jennifer Garner, Djimon Hounsou and Liev Shreiber. Anyways, they'd run the plates and find that those bad guys also have some hardcore known accomplices in New York and Miami, and they've also recently killed people...a lot.

The SVU people would immediately call up CSI: NY and CSI: Miami, but because no one cares about Miami aside from Caruso's one-liner, it would just show him say something like "Where in the world...are these guys headed?". The camera then pans all the way from Miami to New York, in a single take, where the cast of ER is shown operating on two accmplices who shot eachother for money, and are suddenly joined by the cast of Scrubs where Zach Braff goes "I wonder what it would be like to get shot by a bullet made of spaghetti...I love Spaghetti".

But what's this? He also has some unknown disease? Well bring on House so he can come in and say "It's melanomia, you see I saw you cough about 8 years ago while I was walking down the street and just happened to glance upward to see you on a balcony coughing...alright, well, I'm off to do something hip and illegal, peace out!" You'd think it be over and they'd cure him and send him to jail right? If you did, then you're wrong, if you didn't, you're still wrong. Suddenly, the cast of Grey's Anatomy would come out and there would be complete silence and confusion as everyone from the aforementioned shows would grab various long tools and object and kill them because Grey's Anatomy sucks.

Talk about a satisfying ending. That's all I had written down so far, there might be a section where the cast of King of Queens comes in but it just doesn't make sense when you read it as a whole.

While I'm writing, I might as well tell you why that piece of shit show sucks...that's right...fucking Grey's Anatomy...

I honestly think the creators of the show were like:

Creators: OK guys, I got an idea for this crazy show that's gonna make us millions...you ready? Alright, this is what we're gonna do. Let's make a medical drama/comedy, but get rid of the medicine...

Studio Executives: Umm, ok?

C: the drama...

SE: huh?

C: Stay with me, we'll also be taking out the comedy...

SE: Ok, I don't think you get it

C: Just hear me out, because we would also be taking out any character depth and complexity. Here's the kicker though, instead of hiring writers, we'll have five 13yr. old girls script out long-winded stories about shallow love triangles without consequences because the women in the show will always be getting some cock.

SE: Hmm, well that sounds good, but that's not enough to make us money...

C: Oh but there's more, we'll break into the youth group by making adorable and unoriginal nicknames to go with our sponsors. McDonalds just donated us 2 million dollars...so listen to this nickname...McDreamy.


C: I know, right? I think that's about it, now we just gotta sit back and wait for the money to start roll-oh wait, I forgot about this. Our lead character, not only are we going to hire someone with a soft uninspired voice, we're also gonna make sure she looks like she has Down's Syndrome and only has one facial expression that crosses between mental retardation and complete confusion.

C & SE (In unison): Forbes 500, Here we come!

Fuck you Grey's Anatomy, at least Sex and the City had character driven stories...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Day 46

Japanese artists are...interesting...

Line of the Week: Worst case scenario, if the levies break, water will rush in... -News reporter from New Orleans while tracking Gustav

Oh man, talk about a busy week. I've been here and there and over here and I even went all the way over there like three times, no joke.Let's kick things off right, eh? I had my other class last week and it was pretty...interesting.

These classmates are probably the dullest of the bunch and not really worth mentioning, with the exception of three things.
  1. The freshman sitting to my right (I know he's a freshman because he said so) that kept on trying to throw in "funny" comments. The professor would be talking about something I was not paying attention to, although I'm sure it was riveting, and this sucker kept on trying to interject with his little remarks. Not only were they not found funny by anyone else in the classroom, I knew what he was going to say and kept on wanting to tell him to not do it, it actually hurt me to hear the words come out of his mouth. The worst part is that he wouldn't even wait for a pause, he'd just start talking and after the third word, when he realized that she [the professor] wasn't stopping for anything, stopped and tried again...if he keeps that shit up I'm gonna have to educate the little mofo.
  2. Everything about my professor...literally. First of all, she looks just plain fucking weird, like something that comes out of Kentucky or Tennessee but talks with the most intriguing accent I've heard in a while; a mix of New Orleans and New Jersey. She said things like Thursdee and ghat (got) and used some expressions like light in the loafers and some other ones that I don't care enough to remember.
  3. She talked...the entire class...without stopping or asking more than one question. Even I can acknowledge my narcissistic tendencies but I usually like to hear what people have to say about what I'm talking about. She never stopped and used I, Myself (and all of it's variations) and Me more times than I could even count. Also, she talked pretty fast with some awkward pauses...oh well, I guess it'll make for an interesting class.

You know what's great about taking a Music Appreciation class? All the pretentious douches practically show themselves voluntarily, they usually come in the form of guitar players, big fans of "the classics" (translating to the most popular names of the 60s-80s) and laugh whenever someone says the name of a band. Oh, did I mention they usually wear band shirts just for that class? Check out the chick in the NIN shirt, she's definitely a hardcore music aficionado and you don't wanna mess with her flat-chested and pompous self.

Also, you really get to see stupid people shine, and not in the good potential-special-olympics-"athlete" kind of way. Here's a really good example and currently my favorite story to tell. The second time the class met, instead of playing Bob Marley, the professor was playing some Beatles song while the projector, well...projected, their image on the screen. After he played it about three times and everyone had arrived, he picked a random name from the attendence sheet and asked that person if they knew the artist of the song. As luck, or irony, would have it, it was the only black chick in the entire room and I knew EXACTLY what was about to happen, so I smiled. She began to say things like "Ummm, kinda" and "Oh, I know this!" but it was obvious that she had no fucking idea, so I began to laugh to myself because the train wreck was just beginning. The professor started giving her hints and people started gasping and saying "oh my god" and the chick with the guitar looked like she was having a seizure, except uglier. Then I got to thinking and commented to the people around me, I figured they might as well get used to my opinions early on, "Are you really that surprised that she doesn't know this?" You can call it racism, you can call it stereotyping, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm 100% right. Black people know as much information about the Beatles as I know about making Chinese food. It's just not in their culture. Anyways, the guitar chick ended up practically yelling out "THE BEATLES!!" and went on to name the song, the album from which it was released and each band member in the order of their appearance in the picture...HOW IMPRESSIVE!!

Saturday was pretty weird, I was forced against my will, as opposed to being consensually forced, to go to a church (Read: Boring) part of a wedding. What did I take from this enlightening experience aside from terrible religious puns? That stereotypes are funny, ESPECIALLY when they're true. It was a Mexican couple in a Catholic church, in a part of Houston that I wouldn't want to walk alone around, and their names were Juan and Maria...it practically writes itself. Afterwards I ended up chilling at my house with my cousin and, for the first time in almost a full year, just played video games all day. It felt good to finally wipe the dust off the Wii and go crazy with Super Monkey Ball (still the most difficult game I've ever played and have yet to beat), SSX Tricky and Need for Speed: Underground...because I have a mildly secret love for good racing games.

I'll leave you with the fact that TV season is coming back, starting with Entourage on Sunday, and there's only one new series worth watching: