Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's my birthday...

All sandwich bags should look like this...fucking thieves.

...and I'll post whenever the fuck I want to. Maybe this week before Friday? Maybe next week. We'll see...and by "we" I actually mean "me."

Off topic for a second (Because that NEVER happens on here), has anyone ever had blue balls accompanied by persistent flatulence? It sucks when it's cold outside so you have to let them go inside your car and it smells so wrong...but feels so goddamn right. Maybe it's just me...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Not as easy as hiding behind your legs...

I came across this article the other day that follows Evan Ratliff, a writer for Wired, attempting to drop off the face of the earth and live for a month under another identity and not be found for a month. I'm not going to spoil a damn thing and just post the link so you can read it and find out what happened for yourself. It's 4 pages long but, like the previous post, well worth it. Besides, are you REALLY going to come to a comedy blog and then start whining about reading?

Hint: Click on the fucking picture.

This post is about Lost in Translation.

Remember that scene in Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation where Bill fucking Murray is being told by the director how to say "Suntory Time" and the interpreter is totally not saying enough to match what the director said? Well, thanks to the good and old folks at the New York Times, it's been translated. I mean, haven't you spent nights wondering what they said? Me neither! Let's take a look!

DIRECTOR (in Japanese to the interpreter): The translation is very important, O.K.? The translation.

INTERPRETER: Yes, of course. I understand.

DIRECTOR: Mr. Bob-san. You are sitting quietly in your study. And then there is a bottle of Suntory whiskey on top of the table. You understand, right? With wholehearted feeling, slowly, look at the camera, tenderly, and as if you are meeting old friends, say the words. As if you are Bogie in ''Casablanca,'' saying, ''Cheers to you guys,'' Suntory time!

INTERPRETER: He wants you to turn, look in camera. O.K.?

BOB: That's all he said?

INTERPRETER: Yes, turn to camera.

BOB: Does he want me to, to turn from the right or turn from the left?

INTERPRETER (in very formal Japanese to the director): He has prepared and is ready. And he wants to know, when the camera rolls, would you prefer that he turn to the left, or would you prefer that he turn to the right? And that is the kind of thing he would like to know, if you don't mind.

DIRECTOR (very brusquely, and in much more colloquial Japanese): Either way is fine. That kind of thing doesn't matter. We don't have time, Bob-san, O.K.? You need to hurry. Raise the tension. Look at the camera. Slowly, with passion. It's passion that we want. Do you understand?

INTERPRETER (In English, to Bob): Right side. And, uh, with intensity.

BOB: Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.

DIRECTOR: What you are talking about is not just whiskey, you know. Do you understand? It's like you are meeting old friends. Softly, tenderly. Gently. Let your feelings boil up. Tension is important! Don't forget.

INTERPRETER (in English, to Bob): Like an old friend, and into the camera.


DIRECTOR: You understand? You love whiskey. It's Suntory time! O.K.?


DIRECTOR: O.K.? O.K., let's roll. Start.

BOB: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! (Then in a very male form of Japanese, like a father speaking to a wayward child) Don't try to fool me. Don't pretend you don't understand. Do you even understand what we are trying to do? Suntory is very exclusive. The sound of the words is important. It's an expensive drink. This is No. 1. Now do it again, and you have to feel that this is exclusive. O.K.? This is not an everyday whiskey you know.

INTERPRETER: Could you do it slower and ----

DIRECTOR: With more ecstatic emotion.

INTERPRETER: More intensity.

DIRECTOR (in English): Suntory time! Roll.

BOB: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! God, I'm begging you.

They should have done this for the Japanese game show too.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day 76

Yes, actually, this IS a picture of Courtney Love getting her right tit sucked by black man at a party and/or shopping spree.

Line of the Week: The baby shower is at 10:30 right? And do we have to bring our own babies or will they be supplied for us? Can I call first dibs on the youngest? -Me asking a pregnant chick what I thought was a legitimate query...

Bonus LotW: If there's no grass on the field, turn her over and play in the mud -Shane on awesome pedophile philosophies.

First of all, the next person to say TGIF deserves to get in a crippling traffic collision. If anything, it should be TTPOTIF!! (Thank the Passage of Time it's Friday!!)

Maybe it's just me, but I find u-turns to be extremely sexy...My guilty pleasure is seeing one of those massive pickups do one, then I feel my hand go lower and I usually say something "oh yeah, baby, you can do it...just take it nice and slow. Don't try to force it..."

Word on the netz is that there's going to be new ketchup packets down the pike pretty soon, and if you're like me, then you probably thought the same thing I did when I saw the following picture: Thank God. No more are the days of not being able to open something half the size of an iPod Nano and being publicly humiliated. God, I can NOT wait until this is shown in commercials and people are shown attempting to frustratingly open the ones we have now in black and white and then people happily opening the new ones in color.

So there's this Facebook trend of posting the picture of a celebrity that looks like you as your profile picture. The only problem is that too many people who do this obviously don't own a full-length mirror. Sure you look like Anne Hathaway...if Anne Hathaway weighed 275lbs, 50 of which come directly from her(your) cankles. All I'm saying is that people should have to put disclaimers on their pictures for this kind of shit. If you can't fit into Gwyneth Paltrow's clothes, SHE IS NOT YOUR CELEBRITY TWIN!...and the clothes from Shallow Hal do NOT count.

I was in class the other day, talking about the effects of drugs/caffeine's effect on a child during pregnancy and every five seconds, low birth weigh would come up and be discussed as the most horrible piece of news since finding out Jessica Alba actually graduated from High School early...although neither her nor her representatives will confirm or deny that she was a virgin at that time. Anyways, why do people complain about low birth weight as being something horrible when childhood obesity is the nation's biggest problem, pun fully intended. If obesity needs to be stopped somehow...maybe we should start at the beginning and let mom enjoy some Cabernet and a joint before going to bed.

If there was ever proof to how stupid Lost is, this is it. When you have nerds agreeing that the nerdiest show on TV is stupid, your show is fucking stupid.

I went to Best Buy to grab a few movies and Halo for PC and despite it never changing, totally forgot that the same month my birthday is in is also Black History month. I knew this because Best Buy felt the need to make an endcap be labeled as "Best Buy Celebrates Black History Month"...which might as well be called "Movies starring Denzel Washington"...

If Hillary and Other Duff ever DJ, they should go as "Duff Punk" or "The PowderDuff Girls"... or maybe "There Will be Duff"

The next day I went to a friend's house for a movie night and after we watched The Brothers Bloom, we sat around and talked for a while, eventually leading to this exchange:
Shane - Do you know what Wonder Woman's weakness or downfall is?
Billy - She can get raped...
Everyone - ......
Me, Shane and Dallas - Hahahahahahahahahaha
Billy - ...be messed up psychologically. She's the only woman, it could happen.

I live in a world of comedy, how the fuck could I NOT start a blog?

So the Saints won the superbowl, which is cool because now we don't have to see people write stupid shit like "Geaux Saints" or other dumb phrases that make probably makes Webster feel like someone punched him in the dick. Since they're from Louisiana, which, if you didn't know, has the dumbest people in America according to their somewhat-education system, then expect the headlines in the papers to read something like this: Saints fans erupt in hometown celebration...black fans loot local stores.

I don't normally get serious on here but I think I'm allowed to do it every once-in-a-while since it's my blog. When I started this little writing shtick, I did it with the inspiration of a couple other bloggers, the least famous of which is the best. His name is Rain Noe and he's like the Asian Woody Allen. Him and his friends did a short film for a film contest and this is it (He's the guy with the wings):

After you click play, skip to the 30sec mark for the start of the film.

Until next time, keep your dick in your underwear or it'll rub against your jeans and feel really weird and eventually leave a rash...yes, a dick-rash:

Monday, February 8, 2010

It's a thing,..right?

If you're wondering what this is, I'm going to start updating a bit more often with random thoughts or shit I find worth sharing. It's not going to be anything huge or developed as my regular comedy posts, but it'll just be a few extra entries here and there. Basically, I want to update more often and really get myself writing better shit in general.

I don't know what to think of this, but apparently some guy was in a plane crash and his initial thought was to jump on Twitter and talk about it. This is the new time of instant messaging and Zero-Lag news. I guess if you've got a story, you can't say there's a shortage of ways to tell it. I can't tell if this is a good or bad thing but I'd like to be the first to acknowledge and confirm that it is, in fact, a thing:

via: Business Insider

Honestly, fuck Continental for not giving out drinks and locking those people up. Should I ever be in such a position, you can bet your ass that I would be getting a drink, one way or another, if I desired one. I would literally hit someone in the face with something harder than my body for a glass of Sunkist.

Believe it.

Also, there seems to be some even more interesting "tweeting"...from OUTER SPACE! You'd think they'd be full of nerdy shit like "Holy shit, I just noticed I slept for 14 hours today, I've got so much nothing to do now!" but instead they've been sending the most intense photographs of space, my favorite being shown below:

Via: io9