Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 77

Have fun with your iPad with wings...I can upgrade my RAM and video card. Can you?

LOTW: Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot...that can read my mind...and has feelings. - Phil from Modern Family.

An example of what NOT to tell someone when they present you their newborn child for the first time: "Eh, I guess this was about what I was expecting..."

I don't care what studies say, dating someone named Albert or Alberta makes you just as ugly as the name.

If Star Wars occurred a long, long time ago, then aren't all Star Wars geeks historians who have never seen a vagina? just historians?

Let's be honest, when it comes to picking majors, it's pretty goddamn easy:
Business - I want to make money.
Marketing - I want to make money regardless of ethics and morals.
Science - I want to create new things.
History - I made a language by mixing Gaelic and Klingon! Wanna hear me use it in a cover of Green Tambourine?, actually...No. I don't. At all.

Want a fun fact? If a guy finds out a girl he knows is surprisingly slutty, he gets an erection and goes for it...but if a girl finds out a guy she's talking to is actually kind of a player, telling them they're your favorite vagina turns into one of those things that sound better in your head.

I went to the movies last week, which is not the surprising part since I do that all the time, but what's worth noting is that both me and my date went to the restroom after the movie. Not together mind you, she was being a bitch about that, but separately, like the insecure couples you see all the time. What's interesting is that, while women always take forever in private restrooms, is that they almost always beat the guys in public ones. It's like when three friends go pee at the same time and it becomes a little competition of who can be done the quickest...unless you've been drinking, in which case it turns into who can pee the longest without breaking the stream.

Is it weird that this gives me a full hard-on? Didn't think so.

I went to a screening of Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass last week and had the pleasure of waiting in line amid many nerds and virgins smelling of loneliness and Mountain Dew. The film was great and I'm sure everyone will love it, but like any other movie that's an adaptation, don't read/watch the source material because, like every other film adaptation with only a few exceptions, the new adaptation won't live up to the original. Sorry kids, but life is like this because God hates every one of us...equally though.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I look up at my ceiling and have random thoughts like these:
  • Sure, 7 ate 9...but no one ever talks about why 4 Five'd 6. What did 6 do to deserve such sneaky fratboy-praise from 4? Maybe 6 actually killed 9 and hid her under a 10t and framed 7. How is no one else worried about this. Someone needs to get 5, Hyphen and 0 together and figure this shit out. NINE IS DEAD AND NO ONE IS DOING A FUCKING THING!!
  • I wonder how many girls have been giving head and have sneezed on the guy's penis because their pubic hairs tickled their nose...
  • If keyboards that you can feel are called tactile keyboards, then aren't touch-screen keyboard just fucking annoying?
  • Seriously, someone find out what the fuck 6 was doing on the night of 9's death...and don't let 4 leave town...she knows something.

If one more person asks me if/how I've never paid for sex, I'm going to go fucking insane. First of all, yes, you give the hooker the money up front and fuck her. Then, you kill her using a hatchet or a knife you have concealed inside your pants/shoes. Anything silent that won't leave too much of a mess. Then you just wrap her up in a bedsheet and burn her ass and throw her in the trash. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT DEAD HOOKERS. So no, I've never lost any amount of cash before/during/after any sexual encounter. God damn it, I hate repeating myself.

Did you know that if you pause the Up in the Air DVD as Vera Farmiga's ass comes on can masturbate for an infinite amount of time?

I'd like to genuinely apologize to everyone who has ever read my blog for not posting this sooner because I found this MONTHS ago and for some reason or another, simply forgot to embed it at the end of a post. So, without further ado, I present to you, the Symphony of Science (Shane, this one's for you...but not like that):