Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Day 64

This poster was made by god...straight up.

Line of the Week (Months?): Let's go see some naked daughters and moms!! -Liz Lemon on going to a strip club

Before I begin, I have to apologize again because I told you during my last update that I would be coming back and then I went and didn't post for over a month, my bad, my blunder...I'm such a fucking asshole. My last final is tomorrow and after that I'll be free to post and post and post. Also, my social life has been picking up so I'm now I've been given more chances to drink from the volcano and some more interesting topics should start popping up.

When I was on my way to the Up screening, I turned into the theater's parking garage and was stopped by an ambulance and a pair of cop cars and like a dozen other men in uniform all huddled around something. As I was motioned to turn back and take the rear entrance (That's what she said), I noticed that they were standing around a dead body...and one with it's show several feet away no less. I then followed the gaze of some of the cops to the top of the parking garage where other cops were standing...that's right, this shoe-less mofo jumped off the building probably less than half an hour before I arrived. Just my luck, eh? Because of some selfish, now dead, douche bag, I had to turn around, get stuck in traffic for another ten minutes and then was forced to park on the second floor, ugh.

If there's anything more annoying than a suicidal person, and believe me they're annoying, it's a selfish suicidal person. He could have killed himself with a building that didn't have car coming in and out so often or just do what everyone else does and take a shitload of pills, but no, not this guy. This one had to be a selfish fucker and kill himself in front of a fucking parking garage entrance...I hope his family and friends are left in debt because of him.

I would like to state that old people are not allowed to complain about where they're going and/or sitting if they can't walk without assistance. That is all.

I've been watching a lot of fat people lately because, well, they're kinda hard to miss, both literally and figuratively. It's interesting how there are only two kinds of fat people, although I have yet to determine the level of weight that distinguishes one from the other. Some of them, usually the regular fat people, you know, those that smuggle tires under their skin and always smell really bad, are always happy no matter what happens. They're just the nicest and most ecstatic people ever and you just want to hug know, if it was possible. Then there are the really fat people, the ones that swing their arms to get their feet in front of them, sometimes use scooters and often complain about how far they have to walk to the theater (Where they'll sit down and eat for the next TWO FUCKING HOURS), who are always angry. They hate the food, the movie, the server and especially their chair. Well I'm sorry that my theater's chair is only designed to fit one human being, not the equivalent of three pigs, one cow and a rhinoceros.

Then they begin to complain about everything and the thing is, for being such big...things or whatever, they have really high-pitched voices that, when mixed with their large bodies, literally make them sound like the Dory from Finding Nemo. Once they're done complaining and finally take the 40min walk back to their cars in the Handicapped spot, and drive away. This is where the real fun begins, psychologically speaking that is. You see, these Fatty McFattisons are the assholes in minivans that are so weighed down they look like they just came out of a Mexican chop shop are the ones driving 20mph above the speed limit. It took me a little bit to figure out why they did so, but I eventually understood. These people are used to walking so slow it's like they're standing still but vibrating towards their destinations, causing them to drive fast with the windows down and feel the speed (Like running for normal people). So next time you see a fat person speeding, make sure you wave to them and let them know that you know how fat they are and feel.

I almost broke my penis when I rolled over my morning wood last week...scary!

I was at Studio Movie Grill last week and I'm pretty sure Matthew Perry was cast in 17 Again to remind the public how much of a fat, annoying and talentless individual he other news, Zac Efron is no longer a douche. Partly because he kisses a MILF and partly because he can actually act, enough said.

A girl I know is doing cocaine because her friend began smoking weed again...

...yes, you read that right. To be honest, I'm not friends with her because of her intelligence or personality, or lack-thereof (did anyone NOT see that line coming?). I mean, I get that most girls are obviously less intelligent than men because their brains are smaller (Scientific fact), but she has got to be almost borderline retarded. Normally I'd shut up and stick my penis in her but some bitch this mentally incapacitated CANNOT possibly make good life decisions...who knows what she's got inside of her.

I don't know what I find more annoying, a fat person complaining about how far they have to walk or a fat person opting to get diet coke at Jack in the Box but putting forth the extra 40 cents for curly fries...

Apparently, Oprah bought all of America dinner, except for me, recently. Did she buy everyone some pizza? Maybe some delicious burgers or healthy sandwhiches? No. KFC. In case you're wondering, the coincidence was not lost on me. Here is a woman who's fought her entire life to disprove all black stereotypes that could be put on her and then she goes and buys America food from a place where blacks congregate? For shame...

While we're on the topic of congregation areas for blacks, the economy is actually managing to make all black people worse at defying their stereotypes. Take this little story for example:

Like I said, school's over and I'll be working and going out, so adventures and social disgust will be plentiful and provide ample material for this 'ol blog of mine. I'll leave you this time with...THIS!!

The Original

The Sequel

The Finale