Thursday, June 26, 2008

Day 38

Such an obvious joke, but done so wonderfully...

Line of the Week: He's not a superhero...he's a stuporhero. You see what I did there? -Jason Bateman on Hancock

I can't believe some people actually like Batman over Iron Man...that's fucking bullshit. There's no comparison, no contest and the only thing they have in common is that they're both really rich and smart but lack natural superpowers. The prominent difference? Stark knows what the fuck he's doing and designed it specifically for himself, while Wayne simply found it in daddy's company and puts guys in jail. Iron Man will fuck your shit up and blast you, your friends and your resources into fucking bits. Besides, Stark has superhuman strength and flight when he's in the suit, whereas Batman has a grappling hook and various little items that the only time you'd ever see them is in an Inspector Gadget movie. Fuck Batman. I want to read a comic book where The Joker crucifies Batman using kids toys and the bones of Robin.

Monday I was on my way to class and as I walk through a door I hold it open for this older lady who loudly exclaimed "Thank you, I see your mother raised you right" to which I immediately responded with a "Ha!". If she only knew the things that are constantly crossing my mind...

Driving on a highway is always a series of games to me. Whether it's trying to see how many times I can pass up the same car in a certain amount of time or the usual making weird faces at the cars passing me up, I try to make it as surreal as possible for those around me. One of my favorites is definitely getting the left lane and put it on cruise control, making sure I'm going about 75, or just a little bit faster than the cars in the middle lane. This is so I can slow down certain cars behind me while not looking like I'm doing it on purpose. The vehicles I don't mind slowing down:

Hummers - There has yet to be a Hummer owner that is worth getting to know in the history of the world, this is an easy and fun one...especially when it's a woman driving.
Yellow vehicles - Unless your car morphs into an alien soldier that's here to protect humanity for some reason, there is no excuse to own a yellow car.
Jeeps - Fuck Jeeps. Anyone who owns a car that comes with a zipper and/or plastic as an excuse for an exterior needs to go out, get a job and buy a fucking real car.
VW Bugs - Fuck 'em.
Anything with spinners - Do I really need to explain?

I streamed The Happening a few days ago and if Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay hadn't come out, I would've definitely put this "movie" as Best Comedy of the Year. Honestly, I think M. Night Shyamalan needs to give himself a Texas Funeral, because his last three films, if they can even be called that, have been complete shit. The worst part is that he somehow makes A-List actors full of talent turn into blubbering characters that make daytime television look like Citizen Kane.

I appreciate him as a director but his writing skills, or lack thereof, are really killing him. Here are some random lines from the film that had me laughing:

Alma: We're not gonna be one of those assholes on the news who watches a crime happen and not do something! We're not assholes!!
Private Auster: Cheese and Crackers!...
Betty: Why you eyeing my lemon drink?
Nursery Owner: You know, hot dogs get a bad rap. They got a cool shape, they got protein; you like hot dogs dontcha?'s fucking horrendous. It's so bad that you and your friends should pool your money and draw straws and send one of the guys off to watch it so that in the future, whenever you think you're sitting through a bad movie, he could shake his head, and chuckle tolerantly, and explain that you don't know what bad is...

Four new Dark Knight TV Spots with much more Joker in it, finally expanding on my favorite scene where he lets Dawes fall with the greatest smile of pure glee on his face...and that laugh...what I would do to have a laugh like that. Oh, and 8 New Images were released as well.

As if The Dark Knight wasn't already going to cause 90% of its viewers to come in their pants multiple times, they're also including the first trailer for The Watchmen.

I finally saw Get Smart on Wednesday and it was surprisingly good. Steve Carrell was actually not the exact same character he has been in every other film he's done (Thank god) and played well against Anne Hathaway, who has fucking delicious legs which she shows multiple times throughout the movie. The action is really well done and the script and plot move along surprisingly well.

This is not to say, however, that it was a great movie. Despite it's accomplishments, it's definitely not going to win Comedy of the Year. Many of the lines are forced, almost as bad as Indiana Jones and the Premature Ejaculation-like 'Climax'. They try to pull off a ridiculous amount of one-liners that don't make any sense, even though the completely random ones work, all while throwing around mildly predictable punchlines.

Allen and I went to College Station to perform at O'Bannon's yesterday and for almost 2-and-a-half hours argued about where were would place female celebrities on a 10-scale. It probably wouldn't have lasted as long as it did if I hadn't told him I think Jessica Biel is a 6 and Halle Berry and Fergie are 4s at best. He literally freaked the fuck out. Overall I think we ended up with a pretty good list of 8-10s, with my highest ranking bebs being Scarlett Johansson, Tina Fey, Kristen Bell, Lucy Liu, Hillary Duff, Jane Seymour, Lacey Chabert, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sophia Bush and Linda Cardellini to name a few.

I'm probably gonna go check out Wanted tomorrow at 10:15am so Dan and I don't have to deal with kids or blacks, because we all know how impossible it is to get them to wake up early. Maybe do something interesting this weekend, and then not write about it...or change it into a racist-filled experience to write about...we'll see.

Oh, and here's three more 'holy-shit' pictures from The Dark Knight. Uno, deux and three.

As it turns out, June 27th is Bill Gates' last day. It was documented and put up on online; check it out:

Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin...

...died yesterday of heart failure at 5:55pm in a California hospital at the age of 71.

I'm glad Allen and I got to see him in his last concert in Houston, and it's kind of weird that he died in the state farthest away from his beloved hometown of NYC.

Carlin was the best comedian with the most powerful material and the balls to perform it flawlessly. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have the ability to make people laugh, know what comedy is or ever had the courage to start doing stand up.

He's the first comedian I ever heard and the last I paid to see. There are a bunch of comedians who I've heard and loved between those two time-slots, but none will stay in my memory as he did. From his 7 Dirty Words to Capital Punishment, Prison Camps, Suicide, Religion is Bullshit and my personal favorite, The 10 Commandments, he created his own philosophy on life from misanthropy, Stoicism and atheism all rolled into one.

Some articles about his death:

The Associated Press

Aint it Cool


Joe Bless you George Carlin...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Day 37

The reason why Christians are considered pussies...

Line of the Week: 35 feet looks a lot less painful than it feels. - Josh from One Sentence

Lately I've been wanting to drive a Hummer H2, or whichever is the biggest, and have it run on baby-blood and diesel to have the pure power of intense death at my fingertips. No real significant reason, I just want a reason to go to a gas station that commits infanticide.

Various Film updates:
Wanted Redband trailer with Morgan Freeman exclaiming "Shoot this motherfucker!" and some blood splats...oooh, how risque Hollywood!!

Comcast released some featurettes of The Dark Knight and an exclusive trailer too.

Lionsgate released a few pictures of Samuel L. "Motherfuckin'" Jackson and Eva Mendes from The Spirit.

What's that? You want more shit from Wanted? How about a 7 minute clip? Click Hurr.

I recently saw Southland Tales: the weirdest fucking movie I've seen in my life. It's a 2007 science fiction drama movie that has absolutely no plot but some other things going for it. A hell of an ensemble cast: The Rock, Sean William Scott, Justin Timberlake, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Wallace Shawn, Miranda Richardson, Mandy Moore, Kevin Smith, John Larroquette with Jon Lovitz rounding it out. Sounds like a pretty badass cast for a hell of a comedy right? very wrong. The plot is nearly nonexistent, along with the script, and is ridiculous. The camera placement and cinematography leaves much to be desired...yet the soundtrack is great. Anytime you hear music taking over sound effects you're in for a real treat...for a total of maybe five minutes of the entire movie. That being said, watch it; it may not be great and you may regret watching it for twenty minutes after, but there's so much crazy shit and a ridiculous amount of cameos that it's great to talk about with other you see Sarah Michelle Gellar in lingerie for quite a while.

Here's an interesting tidbit: People who are right-handed live 30% longer than those who are left-handed, similarly, people who naturally write well with both hands are douchebags.

Thursday I had to do an Impromptu Speech for my speech class and I drew the most boring topic ever; my favorite sport. I ended up rambling on about Rugby for a little over a minute but really loved some of the other topics. With that in mind, here are my takes on a few of the hot topics plaguing our nation today:
  • Death Penalty - Let 'em fry. I don't know about you, but I was born in Texas, and if there's one thing I've learned here is that EVERYTHING is better when it's fried juuuuust right.
  • Athlete Drug Testing - Completely against a matter of fact, it should be mandatory for athletes to take performance enhancing drugs, not only because of the ridiculous fucking amounts of money we throw at them, but because we need entertainment. Ok, we've seen how far the human body can go and frankly, it's not that exciting. We need for those fucker to be 500lbs of pure muscle, acne and a penis smaller than the iPod Nano. These guys need to have the physical ability to rip 5 people's heads off before they even realize what's going on.
  • IDing Sex Offenders - Look, what my friends and religious leaders do on their spare time is none of my business, I don't wanna hear or know about it.
Kotaku had some pretty cool Don Kingisms posted recently that are good for a quick laugh.

I went to the Outlet Mall on Sunday and while I was in line to pay at a store I overheard this girl mention to the lady behind her that she had that exact same shit in 3 different colors. Now I'm no fashion guru, but maybe you should get some new clothes and start shoping somewhere else there toots.

Sunday was also Father's Day...AKA the most confusing day in the ghetto...24 hour marathon of "Who's kid is it anyways?" Funny story though, I was going to be a father, luckily we nipped that problem in the bud...

...that joke was funny because a baby died in it.

Monday morning I pull into the school parking lot and as I'm walking towards the Arts building I see and hear an Asian guy with a loud ass sound system in his car blasting the song no other than "Only Time will Tell" by Enya...I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day.

Apparently I'm big in more ways than one.

Monday's Open Mic was hell of a lot of fun. After my set I chilled in the show room and did a guest appearence on D'Andre Siggers' web show he's gonna be doing every week. It's pretty cool, completely free and only has like a four second lag. Later, Allen and I received some great words of wisdom and insightful stories from The Bob Biggerstaff and Rob Mungle. Then I got home and literally passed out from exhaustion.

A new Comcast exclusive The Dark Knight trailer and a Two-Face clip just uploaded by Warner Bros. yesterday.

All I've been doing today is watching Weeds, which is a great show I just got hooked on, and highly recommend it to everyone who even mildly enjoys this "blog". The chicks are hott, the guys are hilarious and the content is delicious.

However, I must mention one thing about this show: there's a recurring character by the name of Megan (Portrayed by Shoshannah Stern) who is incredibly hott by herself, but even hotter because she's deaf. Now, I ask of you, and when I say you I mean Sean V. Heuvel, to holla at any hott deaf chicks you've got laying around. I think I'd really like to date a girl that's deaf...better than a cripple or a black chick, that's for sure.

So bring on the deaf tits who know no sound...

Monday, June 9, 2008

Day 36

Someone get this slick bastard a beer!!

Line of the Week: I African-Americaned out -Zach Galifanakis on the night before

The glorious heat-induced compressed education we call summer school began this week for me and after attending both of my classes I had to look over my schedule again to see where I had checked the box labeled "Fat and ugly girls only". Luckily, my classes are interesting, so it's not entirely terrible.

My first class is Art Appreciation and my professor not only knows what he's talking about, but also is a full-time artist with his pieces all over Texas. Canvas Art being the most objective of all the arts, I think his stuff is quite impressive as far as time, dedication and originality are concerned. There's this ignorant cunt a couple rows in front of me hates everything and of course is fat, ugly and although the list of flaws goes on and on, much longer than any other person, I simply don't care enough to write it. There is, and this is one of my favorite parts of the class, a middle-aged woman who is obviously from the south, and apart from the mullet she wears, she talks like a black woman. I realize this is difficult to imagine, but believe me, it's true. What kind of art is my thing? These:

Twombly's portrait is great because not only is it one line moving from one corner to another, it also follows the way we see and/or read things, from the left to right and up to down. Patterson's is awesome because it's an oil painting based on something he's made, simply as a close-up. Varini's is crazy because it's actually an optical illusion as the yellow paint spans over hundreds of feet, creating three ellipses only visible from one viewpoint (Click the picture to see the article). Banksy's is simply intriguing for its originality, simplicity and boldness.

The second class is some sort of Intro to Speech course, which is obviously the easier one, and is taught by a fat woman from Arkansas that talks like a female smoker version of Eric Cartman. The class is extremely mellow and our first speech on Thursday was too easy. Why? Because we had to talk about ourselves for three minutes using three items that surrounded a central theme. My theme was full of arrogance with the first line being stolen partly from Eric Deikman "If you're like me, and I know I am, then the most important part of your life is, well, yourself." which went over flawlessly. My three items you ask? A pirated DVD to represent my love for illegal activities...and being a film buff, Meditations because I'm still practicing Stoicism more and more and my Voice Recorder because of both stand up comedy and because I like the sound of my own voice. The rest of the speeches were alright, which I assume will get better, but I'm not holding my are some of the highlights:
  • "(Baby's name) changed my life" - Oh man, I got to hear this one about 6 times, mostly from the 'ethnic' students, obviously. Of course it changed your life, it's impossible not to...well...unless you let me take care of it.
  • "Legally Blond: The Musical" - As if the movies weren't enough, someone had to get the fucking idea to adapt it into a fucking musical...the only thing worse is if Gigli were to have a sequel.
  • "Get your swole on" - This came from a girl who looks like my sister; so basically something like a fat chick who could hold her own against a dyke.
There are more, but they get worse and even more painfully obvious. All I can say is that this class is fun!

If you didn't come to the Laff Stop last Tuesday then you missed some badass comedy from the finals of Houston's Funniest Person Contest. Chase Durrousseau on a well deserved First Place with John Gard and Ryan Thauburn rounding out 2nd and 3rd respectively. Everyone's sets were great and you can read some of the comics' blogs here:

I thinkg it was Wednesday that me, Nate and Jerry were driving when we saw the first most amazing thing we had ever seen in a mildly ghetto part of Houston: A black guy on a Segway... This wasn't no regular or sophisticated black guy neither, this guy was a thug all the way with clothes way too large for him and a bag of groceries or something on the handles. Here's an artist's sketch after the incident:

If you're having a dry spell sexually, does it reset if you get raped? Or does it only count if it's consensual?

After watching Don't Mess with the Zohan on Friday with Nate and Jerry, we went to Burger King where we found the second most amazing thing that week: An orange Element with a Mac and Dave Mathews Band sticker. As if an Orange car didn't scream 'douchopotamus' already, the twat had the nerve to throw on a Mac AND a DMB sticker on there. Well how fucking trendy are we? I guess I now know who to go to if I quickly need a pop culture reference for the gay community. Even deaf people know not to listen to DMB...Jesus...

For 35% of Saturday I had a sledgehammer in my hand and was 'remodeling' a house my dad recently bought. Another 30% had me with a Crowbar totally Gordon Freeman-ing it and the rest of the day I ate steaks and drank animal blood. Needless to say I texted all my friends the same question: I have a 25lb sledgehammer in my hands right now, what's the manliest thing you've done today?

Sunday I went tubing with Nate, Steph, Juan, Peter and Jerry at San Marcos. We listened to XM Comedy on the way up while making fun of a cunt who bitches because she didn't orgasm which I proposed the guy should shit on her face and leave courteously. Tubing was relaxing as hell, I went from the palest Mexican to the darkest White; and it only took 4 hours in the sun!

I'm going to see Ryan Stout at the Laff Stop this week. I've been wanting to check him out live ever since I heard him on XM Comedy a couple months ago. As for as cinema goes, no good movies are coming out until next week (Get Smart) and then Wanted and WALL-E after that. all three will be good movies in their respective genres, I have no doubt about that, I just don't know how much of Steve Carrell's forced pain sounds I can take...and don't even get me started on Angelina Jolie; she's annoyed me in almost every single movie she's been in with the exception being Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I really don't see why people give her roles as an action star, she's boring and has the most obnoxious and disconnecting face when she has a gun in her hand...she needs to just sit down, look pretty and take care of all those Asian kids she keeps buying.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Day 35

I'm sick of these motherfuckin' goats always skateboarding all over my motherfuckin' sidewalk!!

Line of the Week: Are colored people allowed to drive? -Dan Schlain

Indiana Jones was one of the best worst movies I've seen in a while...and I've seen at least ten different movies in the last two weeks, so I would know. Aliens are the cause of the whole film. I'll get to that in a sec, I just wanted to ruin the ending for anyone who hasn't seen it. Back to the film; talk about CGI heavy. There were more visual effects in this movie than 300...and that movie didn't even have a set OR a plot. The movie was decent with a bunch of ridiculous parts akin to the Indiana Jones series with some scenes so far-fetched even the kids were like "Really guys? Monkeys attacking Russians? That was almost as absurd as Bratz..."

I digress, the movie wasn't that bad and the fight sequences were pretty cool. Oh, and Cate Blanchette with a Russian accent kept my penis pointing at the screen every few minutes or so, now if only she can get a rack bigger than those little A-cups. That isn't to say, however, that it was perfect; when we first hear her accent it's so strong I had no fucking clue what she was saying, but by the end of of the movie she could practically be considered a Texan. I was like what the fuck?!

I recently started reading Girls With Slingshots and the writing is some of the best I've seen since 8-Bit Theater. Click on the banner to check it out:

I watched Rambo II the other day and realized that we have no more action heroes anymore! When I was a kid we had the best action movies with ruthless and over-the-top action sequences that made you think, I wanna kill Vietnamese, German and Russian people for a living. We had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone. Now what do we have? Josh Hartnett? Badass in the action movies he's been in, but does romantic bullshit on the go. Clive Owen? Kinda, mostly because of Sin City and Shoot 'Em Up. Keanu Reeves can't act, and although he's getting better with films like Street Kings and shit he's too skinny to be an action hero. Samuel L. Jackson is kinda getting there because he's been a badass since the 90s, but he's just not big enough and usually requires a weapon to do any damage. The Rock is the only logical choice because he could honestly rip Brad Pitt into pieces, and although people might tell me he fails because he's done kids movies, I'd have to remind you that Kindergarten Cop is hilarious and absurd, but at least The Rock played a football player in his last one. So that's it? In the last 10 years, the only action hero we have is a retired wrestler? We've gotta do better than that.

Thursday I got home just in time to catch Last Comic Standing LA and Houston. LA I kinda knew a few of the comics, my favorites being Jackie Kashian and the Star Wars nerd. When Houston rolled around I was getting text messages and IMs from friends...come if I've miss a chance to watch a Houston comic get some TV time. Danny Rios got some pretty good air time and was interviewed at work and I gotta say that every time I look at the guy I can't stop thinking of necrophelia.

Paul Varghese was hilarious and I was honestly expecting him to move on. John! In the end Bob made it, not surprisingly, so hopefully we'll get to see some more of him later on. I saw Theo, Ryan T. and Reverend Bart in some random clips which was cool but didn't really make me laugh. Well maybe just Ryan and only because he's hilarious but was only shown eating barbecue...NBC totally underestimated his camera-time potentiality.

This is why Wii Fit should be at the top of the to-buy list of every boyfriend in the world.

I went to Austin with Nate, Linh Thy and Cathy Friday afternoon(came back Saturday afternoon) and had a blast. On Friday I had to go pick up Nate's friend and girlfriend, Linh Thy and Cathy. Nate drove while we all ate the delicious food he made us and whatnot. Thy, as she was called, had A.D.D. , which was apparent almost immediately, however this also caused her pass out fairly quickly and early on during the drive, so all was well. The drive was alright, aside from the random Miley Cyrus tracks that were blasted on the radio(much to the girls' joy) and the weirdest scenic overview that had security cameras in case we decided to rip a tree off the ground and steal it.

The party had a real nice vibe with just the right amount of people to get some good conversations going. If there's too many I get lost in groups of people I don't know and then get alienated when I don't put on my nice face and pretend like I care who cheated on who(Unless she's here because I'm a good listener when I have no clothes on) and I have to compete for the alcohol. If there's too few people I have to talk to the same ones over and over again while they repeat the story on how one time their dog walked in on them while they were in the bathroom and even though nothing happened it scared them.

A few people told me they had seen my stand up video which caused us to have a good talk about comedy and whatnot, educating them of the failures of Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. Later, I sat down drinking while Transformers played on the TV and chatted it up with the other hispanic people there and found out they knew ITESM and shit. Then the beer pong started and I simply took my usual post next to the table as commentator and threw out random racial slurs in hopes of messing up the other team (nigganigganigganigganigga kike chink! Repeat as necessary). Then I went up and although we initially did alright, Carlos and Sarah were on fire and ended beating us with two cups left. Later we played flip cup a couple times with my team, Slytherine(I voted to be called Voldemort, pussies), and were beat both times with two people left. Then, out of fucking nowhere, I find a shitload of the most delicious chicken nuggets I've ever had in my life in Andy's kitchen. I immediately start shoving as many as I can in my mouth until I start choking on chicken due to the lack of saliva, and drink beer in between to act as a lubricant so I can shove some more down my throat. I know I had at least one, possibly two, that I didn't end up chewing before they hit my stomach.

The next morning my stomach was still full of beer and any chicken nuggets I inhaled, becauce chewing is for dykes and Jews. After a much needed shower we threw everything in the car, finally got some food at this damn delicious barbecue place called Rudy's and headed out. I ended up reading almost non-stop for the 2-hour ride back and then had to drive another 40min. home because of I-10 detours and other bullshit.

Oh, the new Resident Evil 5 trailer came out on Saturday as well:

I played some Pictionary that Saturday night at my aunt's house and was in charge of writing down nouns for the players to draw. Here are some of my favorites and the ones I wrote up just to see what someone would do after they read it:
  • Slave
  • Pictionary
  • Colorado (The state)
  • A guy who may or may not be completely gay
  • Nintendo Wii
  • Connect Four
  • Avacado
Colorado was the best due to its shape, Pictionary was never guessed because my cousin got it and apparently decided to draw squares with fruits and rainbows inside If you play Pictionary any time soon, feel free to use those ideas, even though most are for the enjoyment of the person who knows what they are beforehand.

Oh, and I have summer school starting tomorrow(Art Appreciation and Intro to Speech) so I guess I'll be making fun of various classmates and their obvious flaws for the next few entries, if I don't write up a new article or rant.

I'll leave with with another quote by Voltaire, "Anything to stupid to be spoken is sung."