Monday, September 29, 2008

Day 49

Mac and Jeep owners get the same response: Grow up, get a real job and get yourself a PC you fucking hipsters...

Line of the Week: Social Darwinism is about how can get it on the most -My history teacher

So I'm going to get a job. What? Yeah, I know, and it's going to be at a movie theater (Studio Movie Grill) so that I can cause system errors and make sure to avoid anyone that voluntarily buys a ticket to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Fireproof, Monsters Vs. Aliens, An American Carol or Bolt...because anyone who buys a ticket to those movies was already going to call it the "best movie ever" beforehand.

On Friday, immigration in the 1900s was the topic for History class, and when the political cartoons started showing up, racism began to be prevalent, accepted and humorous. Most people couldn't figure out Dutch stereotypes (Wooden shoes, retards) so I had to make those calls and one of my favorite instances was when a large negro fellow behind me saw a four leaf clover and said "One of those lucky plant things", to which I sarcastically replied "One of those lucky plant things? Is that the technical term for it" which finally got the class laughing for the first time this damn semester. Oh, and when a picture of a Chinese rapist was shown I said that it "looks like one of them know, because of the raping..." this only caused laughter in me. I think everyone has pegged me as That Racist Guy.

Here's one thing I don't get: midget's and comedy. Ever since I've been a kid I've found those little things more of an annoyance than the opposite. They're not funny, Mini-Me wasn't funny in Austin Powers or The Love Guru, midget jokes aren't funny and the only kind of miniature talking bipeds I wanna see are Jawas and Smurfs. Now I'm not saying all of them need to get out of any spotlight that I could happen to see, just the ones that didn't play R2D2 or Willow...the rest need to get out of my films and go back to wrestling dogs or whatever it is they do.

I went to an early screening of Choke on Thursday night with Dan and ended up getting a bunch of free posters and coasters. The film was great, I have a review on The Reel Truth and afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and I was blessed to see a waitress lift up her uniform to scratch her fat roles. Then, three really ghetto black guys sat down at a table next to us and as I watched them silently from the shadows of my table, they began to be a bit rowdy and laughed like most black guys laugh by not actually laughing, but instead just making a sound that could only be described as somewhere between a hack and cackling giggles. This wasn't funny by itself however, the best part was that all three were drinking fruity alcoholic drinks out of margarita glasses. I quickly flipped through the drink menu and found that they were drinking Berry Margaritas...probably while rhymin' bout dem hoes.

Afterwards, I went home and caught up on The Office season premier and the two new It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes. They were great, hilarious and if you're not watching them you're missing out on a part of life that will always be kept in the dark for're basically destroying any chance of happiness you may have at this time.

I was thinking about the myth of the Sandman and how he sprinkles sand on people to make us have dreams, and what I want to know is how he makes us have wet dreams...what kind of sad is that perverted mofo using?

The next day, I watched Eagle Eye and then went to Dan's house for his birthday thing. To make a mildly short story even more mildly short; over 30 Chicken McNuggets went in my mouf and we watched Diary of the Dead, which had a mute Amish man who stabs himself with a joke. When I went home I found my parents and my uncle talking about the abuse of help after hurricanes. My mom started going off saying all sorts of hateful things like "It's terrible, people like us are working for their money while they get a FEMA card and buy alcohol whithout having to do anything fo it" to which I replied, "Yeah, but they're who's really winning here?".

This is the ONLY Spike Lee related video I will ever post, and only because it has Edward Norton with the best Fuck You Speech in all existence:

Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 48

Yet another way to solve Childhood Obesity...

Line of the Week: ...back like a night after a bad taco -Sylar on the Heroes season premier. Worst. Line. Ever.

LoTW Runner-Up: Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten - Charlize Theron on Jay Leno

Damn it's been a hell of a busy week and boy are my arms tired...

...wait, I fucked that up. I've been doing so much out of the ordinary activities that my mind is all out of whack and my horrible puns have been ample proof of that. Hell, I laughed at a pun my History professor made today. He was talking about the 24 hour coverage of hurricane Ike for almost six days straight, which you'll remember I talked about last week, and he said that he tried to watch whatever news he could that wasn't "drowned out by Ike"....worst pun ever? Maybe. Most unexpected pun at 9:25am? Definitely.

Because I'm unorganized, this entry is going to be told all Pulp Fiction-like, but don't worry, I'm not gonna go completely Tarantino on you...well, at least until Inglorious Bastards comes out. Saturday consisted of fucking insanity...seriously...fucking, insanity.

On Saturday, I woke up at 6am, got ready and waited for Timmy and Allen and his friends to show up before we went to work for my dad, ripping out wallpaper, insulation and ceiling tiles from an office building. We did this from 8am, to 8pm...literally sunrise to sunset, black to black and so on. Each time I climbed the stairs all the way to the fourth floor it felt like a million knives gre penises and were raping my calves from the inside out and didn't even have the common courtesy to use lube like a professional. My car smelled like ass after being in it for five seconds, and what seemed like a good idea at the time, I rolled down my windows, which only resulted in me smelling the B.O. and dried sweat that was coming off of my own body...

At this point, you'd think that I'd be completely exhausted and ready to call it a weekend...but you'd be half-wrong. After I took a long shower,complete with singing and flexing in the mirror while saying "Are you talking to me?", I went online and starting looking for details on some parties I'd heard of. I landed two options, one party was supposedly expecting 50 people, a small amount of liquor but I knew it was going to be nothing but minorities and ghetto, ghetto, ghetto. The other party had a shitload of alcohol, a bit smaller group probably consisting of hipsters, indie "rockers" and probably some fatties and in College Station, although I would be able to spend the night there. I ended up selecting the latter and went with Aaron, him driving, while I closed my eyes and spewed out random, absurd comments as entertainment.

One thing I forgot to do, however, was print out the Google Maps directions, and for some reason I thought if I committed the satellite picture to memory I could find it...except I forgot the street name, apartment name and number and while the satellite photo was taken during the daytime, it was blacker than Akon and the girl who's party it was, had HER FUCKING PHONE OFF. So now I'm lost in College Station with Aaron...two skinny Mexican kids lost in a town that would give Bush a sloppy deepthroating blowjob with a smile on their face if they had the chance. We pull over at a gas station and since I'm furious, I begin to spew out rage-filled comments, one of our favorite was "Ugh, goddamn it, if only I could ask Information where all the fat, ugly chicks went..." I think I was laughing for a good two minutes after that one.

One phone call to Nicole and her Blackberry internet-filled phone later, we arrive at the party that was filled with the exact people I thought it would have. Luckily, it was a really chill atmosphere and there was plentiful amounts of beer. There were hipsters with fedoras, a loud, fat guy who had his shirt off more often than not and a guy who looked JUST like Cricket from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...but alas, he was involved with the only cute girl at the party, who was also celebrating her birthday, so I couldn't push him down the stairs as a reason to get him on crutches. After "losing" a game of beer pong (You can never lose if your "punishment" is to drink more beer), some guy threw up on me, however I was pretty drunk at this time and it took me at least thirty seconds to acknowledge, which resulted in my freaking out, wiping it off with a napkin and telling the guy who did it to calm down and that I really didn't give a shit.

At around 3am, a lot of people left and we were left with my friend Leah, Aaron, a couple guys, Hannah the cute chick, Veronica and her BF and Leah's roommates. Shortly thereafter, Leah began to blow chunks all over the floor, herself and a trashcan. This by itself is not that funny, but the best part were the two things that I was involved with. The first was that I mentioned It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Leah, Veronica and I ended up singing Day Man...twice. The second happened between Leah's vomiting spurts, where she would cry out apologies to her roommates, which caused me to laugh uncontrolably...well, it was actually giggling but you get the point. I was then very tired and went to sleep on the couch chair. That's right, the 6ft. tall asshole had to sleep on a fucking chair, luckily Leah woke up early and let me sleep on the sofa, but not before I accidently stepped in the wet stains of the carpet where she had vomited on.

The next day I woke up, still tired and now sore so I let Aaron drive again, and after hitting up McDonalds we saw the weirdest fucking thing. We were just leaving College Station and were stuck in a bit of traffic when all of a sudden we see an Indian lady running across the road construction site to the left and is tackled by an Indian guy, which he did by sweeping the legs. Her crying, he sits next to her, breathing heavily with his arm on her and while 4-9 "concerned" citizens approach, puts his other hand up and points to his car that's about a hundred feet the other way. I was only bothered by all the people going towards them, so what if it was probably Domestic Violence? It's College fucking Station, I'm pretty sure beating women is a requirement for all Right Wing males.

This is a bit random, but one thing that caught my attention Fridat night was a radio commercial. I had forgotten to charge my iPod, so on my way home it died and I had to listen to the radio. I was switching stations every song or so and at one point I went to a pure rock & roll station, 94.5 The Buzz. This radio commercial however, really threw me the fuck off. I was listening to it and after a song it advertised their radio station (As if no one knows what station they're listening to), with the advertisement ending using this line: "Ninety-Fo' Five: The Buzz." What the fuck? Having a rock station use ghetto slang is like someone actually wanting to hear Megan Fox's opinion on...well...anything. It's a cute idea but only retarded people who have never had human contact need apply.

I just saw the season premier of Heroes and I damn was it fucking absurd. It like if the writers got together and said "Fuck continuity, EVERY character is back with their powers, or someone else's...but they'll also die...twice. Oh, and Peter, Clair and Sylar will be over-acting in almost every scene..." I'll still watch the show, but if it doesn't pick up and get to the quality of the first season I'm gonna be pissed. Right now channel 2 local news is on and I have one thing to say: I want to make the most intensly passionate love to Domonique Sachse...she is the most delicious news anchor ever, even hotter than those European ones that strip while they do the news.

Because you've all been so good lately, I'm going to give you the best video clip I've seen the month of September, from the season premier of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Until next week, may the Lord bless you and keep you...

..haha, just kidding.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Day 47

I made this in Photoshop a while ago and you know what? I don't care how nerdy it is, a Rorschach-obsesses Jedi would be the most badass thing since Jack the Ripper.

Line of the Week: Nos vamos a tomar unos tragos coquetos... -Matando Cabos

Some of you may or may not know but there was a pretty weak, albeit enormous, hurricane that beat the shit out of Houston last week. This is the main reason I didn't update sooner, however all is well and I only lost a couple feet of fence...which are still down because we're all too lazy to fix it. I'll delve into my experience of the hurricane at the end of this post.

Let's start off with some a really nerdy and disappointing event from Wednesday that proved to me how you can be a winner and a loser at the same time. Dan and I went to Studio Movie Grill to take advantage of his employees-see-movies-for-free deal to watch Death Race. Upon our arrival, I noticed that the sole hostess/receptionist/chick-who-sells-tickets was having difficulty with a couple of Desi customers. They come to the damn movie theater with a coupon to get a discount but have no idea what film they want to watch, nor have any information on any films being shown in the theater. I barely caught the end of this confusion when I arrived, and the hostess, obviously frustrated and bothered, asks us if we knew anything about Traitor. At this point Dan backs away and I take over and not only explain who stars in the film and give a quick synopsis, but also talk about what other films the actors have been in, what critics have been saying and the general reception of the film. Not only do I do that, they then ask me to recommend them a movie, so I give them the same amount of information for Death Race, Tropic Thunder, The House Bunny and ultimately tell them to watch I said, I was both a winner and a loser at the same time. Now I'm going to apply to work as a host, since I might as well put this knowledge to good use.

We chat with the hostess for a bit and then get tickets to Bangkok Dangerous because I was fucking starving and no one had bought tickets to Death Race.

The next day (Thursday for those keeping count) I went to Taco Cabana with my parents and after I dipped my hands into the ice at the register to wake myself up and made the line laugh with a random sarcastic rant to my parents, we sat down outside and began to eat my bean and cheese nachos, which my ass decided to rape my with later. About five minutes into our meal some lady sitting near us came up to us and asked my mom what she was eating and when my mom said that something else was also good, she said "Oh no, I can't eat, I should be shopping for Ike." These are the last words that I heard before she decided to ramble on and on and on about what she thought about Ike and where her family lived for, and I timed it, 16 minutes. Besides, if you're at the restaurant already, why aren't you eating? It's not like you're going to be shopping while you're at Taco fucking Cabana anyways...dumb bitch. She smelled like death, cigarettes and cold nachos, although the latter may have been caused by my food.

Ike - It happened, and here is my story:
We were fucking prepared, seriously, better prepared than ANYONE else I knew. I had anywhere between 10-12 family members in my house from Friday to Monday and we had enough food to feed everyone at least 3 times a day, if not more. Like Rita however, nothing happened and we only lost power on Saturday from 5am to 3pm. During that time, however, was when the storm as at its worse and the combination of rain and wind was nailing my house harder than a crucifixion. I slept through most of it and only had to deal with a few hours without power, although we had an industrial generator that we turned on so we could watch a movie and play Wii, so to all those that didn't and don't have power...well, I say nothing because it's not like you can even read this damn thing.

I was only awake for maybe an hour or two of the hurricane winds and they were extremely powerful, but knowing how powerful they were made me want to go outside, stake a metal pole into the ground, tie myself to it, hold a digital SLR in one hand and an enormous beer bottle in the other, wearing only boxers and goggles and experience Ike like a man, yelling various lines from action films at the top of my lungs (i.e. Ike to meet you, Yippie-Ikay Motherfucker and Ikecaramba and such). If there wasn't so much debris, I probably would have.

From before the storm, starting on Thursday I believe, the only thing that was on was the news tracking Ike non-stop. This means I didn't get to see Letterman or Conan on either nights and that they were broadcasting this news ceaselessly for over 72 hours, fucking ridiculous. All weekend long we had the TV on and during that time we watched the following films, some of which I was seeing for the third or fourth time:
  • Airplane! - 9/10
  • Matando Cabos - 9.5/10
  • Memento - 8.5/10
  • Blazing Saddles - 8/10
  • Live Free or Die Hard - 7/10
  • Enemy at the Gates - 7.5/10
  • Hot Fuzz - 9/10
  • Young Frankenstein - 10/10
  • The Godfather - 10/10
  • The Godfather Part II - 8.5/10
  • Baby Mama - 8/10
  • Sunshine - 8.5/10
  • Reservoir Dogs - 9/10
Yeah...and you know what? I still can't wait to go to the the movie theater as soon as possible to check out whatever new films are coming out, my love for films is like my love for sesame chicken or cookie's unconditional, save the "movies" from the "directors" of Meet the Spartans and such. The rest of the time I was hanging out with my cousins, walking around outside while the cold front was in and played with my Wii for the first time in months. I played Super Smash Bros. Brawl with my uncle and my cousin and got some trophy for playing 50 hours of brawls which, again, illustrated how one could be a winner and a loser in the same moment.

I was driving around with my dad and uncle on Sunday (Remember this, it's important) and while we were on our way back form my grandma's house, we saw that a Chick-Fil-A was open...on a SUNDAY! (See? Told you) As soon as I saw this, I said one thing and one thing only: "God is gonna be pi-issed..."

Now that it's over, there are actually people in Galveston (Completely pwned) that actually stuck around and were asking for help, hell I as listening to the radio and this lady was complaining about how she didn't have power and most of her property was destroyed, she didn't have water pressure, that she had cancer and blah-fucking-blah. First of all, why'd you go off and get cancer before hurricane season? Didn't think that one through now did you? Secondly, you stayed when people were evacuating a full three days before the hurricane was supposed to even hit, if anything, I'm pissed you lived through it and I had to hear your fucking voice for more than a scream of pain that somehow acknoledged your stupidity. I hope FEMA and your insurance deny you aid and maybe next time you'll learn to not be a fucking idiot...

I finally left my house on Tuesday and went to Dan's house to hang out and after a while, his sister and her friend began talking about random shit jokes and whatnot and I actually found myself explaining to them what happens in 2 Girls 1 Cup. Also, I played Rock Band and rocked out on the vocals since I was the only person with any experience in singing, never got a score lower than 91% and received a 100% Flawless rating on one song and one song only: Blondie - Call Me...yet again, I was both a winner and a loser simultaneously.

Now it's Thursday and I'm finally updating this because I just got internet at around 7pm, while hoping I actually get to leave my house more than once this week. I'll try to get something more interesting to post for next week but I've been kind of busy lately. I'll leave you with the SNL skit featuring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sen. Palin and Sen. Clinon, respectively:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hurricane Ike...

fucking killed my internetz, so you'll have to wait, just like me, for Comcast to get off their asses in Galveston and help the people of Cypress...

However, if I see one more fucking family going to the store to buy 7 cases of beer, I'm going to fucking shove a french bread up their asses...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Television and Grey's Anatomy

I was going to do a regular update today but I realized that, aside from seeing Mitch Fatel last week at the Improv (Hilarious by the way), I haven't done a goddamn thing. However, I do have some news, I'm going to start working on articles for CollegeHumor, if I can do enough of them and, if they're good enough, I can eventually get paid to be funny, which would be pretty badass. For now, I think I'll just give you a description of an idea I had about a year ago and then end in a small rant.

I want there to be a special where all the drama shows come together; Law and Order: SVU, CSI, and medicine shows like ER, Scrubs and House.

First, a crime in Las Vegas would take place and then, in some seemingly random house, Gil Grissom would be all like "What up mofos? I'm looking for clues, and I like bugs." He would then proceed to have mildly condescending conversations with his team for about twenty minutes, when all of a sudden, some bad guys would break out of the garage in a car (Ford Explorer, if you really must know), so he'd have to call the Law-half of the SVU people and they'd be like "got it Grissom, we're on his tail!"

So now they're chasing them in Las Vegas, and even though SVU takes place in NYC, it's A-OK because it's a completely new cast starring Kristen Bell, Jennifer Garner, Djimon Hounsou and Liev Shreiber. Anyways, they'd run the plates and find that those bad guys also have some hardcore known accomplices in New York and Miami, and they've also recently killed people...a lot.

The SVU people would immediately call up CSI: NY and CSI: Miami, but because no one cares about Miami aside from Caruso's one-liner, it would just show him say something like "Where in the world...are these guys headed?". The camera then pans all the way from Miami to New York, in a single take, where the cast of ER is shown operating on two accmplices who shot eachother for money, and are suddenly joined by the cast of Scrubs where Zach Braff goes "I wonder what it would be like to get shot by a bullet made of spaghetti...I love Spaghetti".

But what's this? He also has some unknown disease? Well bring on House so he can come in and say "It's melanomia, you see I saw you cough about 8 years ago while I was walking down the street and just happened to glance upward to see you on a balcony coughing...alright, well, I'm off to do something hip and illegal, peace out!" You'd think it be over and they'd cure him and send him to jail right? If you did, then you're wrong, if you didn't, you're still wrong. Suddenly, the cast of Grey's Anatomy would come out and there would be complete silence and confusion as everyone from the aforementioned shows would grab various long tools and object and kill them because Grey's Anatomy sucks.

Talk about a satisfying ending. That's all I had written down so far, there might be a section where the cast of King of Queens comes in but it just doesn't make sense when you read it as a whole.

While I'm writing, I might as well tell you why that piece of shit show sucks...that's right...fucking Grey's Anatomy...

I honestly think the creators of the show were like:

Creators: OK guys, I got an idea for this crazy show that's gonna make us ready? Alright, this is what we're gonna do. Let's make a medical drama/comedy, but get rid of the medicine...

Studio Executives: Umm, ok?

C: the drama...

SE: huh?

C: Stay with me, we'll also be taking out the comedy...

SE: Ok, I don't think you get it

C: Just hear me out, because we would also be taking out any character depth and complexity. Here's the kicker though, instead of hiring writers, we'll have five 13yr. old girls script out long-winded stories about shallow love triangles without consequences because the women in the show will always be getting some cock.

SE: Hmm, well that sounds good, but that's not enough to make us money...

C: Oh but there's more, we'll break into the youth group by making adorable and unoriginal nicknames to go with our sponsors. McDonalds just donated us 2 million listen to this nickname...McDreamy.


C: I know, right? I think that's about it, now we just gotta sit back and wait for the money to start roll-oh wait, I forgot about this. Our lead character, not only are we going to hire someone with a soft uninspired voice, we're also gonna make sure she looks like she has Down's Syndrome and only has one facial expression that crosses between mental retardation and complete confusion.

C & SE (In unison): Forbes 500, Here we come!

Fuck you Grey's Anatomy, at least Sex and the City had character driven stories...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Day 46

Japanese artists are...interesting...

Line of the Week: Worst case scenario, if the levies break, water will rush in... -News reporter from New Orleans while tracking Gustav

Oh man, talk about a busy week. I've been here and there and over here and I even went all the way over there like three times, no joke.Let's kick things off right, eh? I had my other class last week and it was pretty...interesting.

These classmates are probably the dullest of the bunch and not really worth mentioning, with the exception of three things.
  1. The freshman sitting to my right (I know he's a freshman because he said so) that kept on trying to throw in "funny" comments. The professor would be talking about something I was not paying attention to, although I'm sure it was riveting, and this sucker kept on trying to interject with his little remarks. Not only were they not found funny by anyone else in the classroom, I knew what he was going to say and kept on wanting to tell him to not do it, it actually hurt me to hear the words come out of his mouth. The worst part is that he wouldn't even wait for a pause, he'd just start talking and after the third word, when he realized that she [the professor] wasn't stopping for anything, stopped and tried again...if he keeps that shit up I'm gonna have to educate the little mofo.
  2. Everything about my professor...literally. First of all, she looks just plain fucking weird, like something that comes out of Kentucky or Tennessee but talks with the most intriguing accent I've heard in a while; a mix of New Orleans and New Jersey. She said things like Thursdee and ghat (got) and used some expressions like light in the loafers and some other ones that I don't care enough to remember.
  3. She talked...the entire class...without stopping or asking more than one question. Even I can acknowledge my narcissistic tendencies but I usually like to hear what people have to say about what I'm talking about. She never stopped and used I, Myself (and all of it's variations) and Me more times than I could even count. Also, she talked pretty fast with some awkward pauses...oh well, I guess it'll make for an interesting class.

You know what's great about taking a Music Appreciation class? All the pretentious douches practically show themselves voluntarily, they usually come in the form of guitar players, big fans of "the classics" (translating to the most popular names of the 60s-80s) and laugh whenever someone says the name of a band. Oh, did I mention they usually wear band shirts just for that class? Check out the chick in the NIN shirt, she's definitely a hardcore music aficionado and you don't wanna mess with her flat-chested and pompous self.

Also, you really get to see stupid people shine, and not in the good potential-special-olympics-"athlete" kind of way. Here's a really good example and currently my favorite story to tell. The second time the class met, instead of playing Bob Marley, the professor was playing some Beatles song while the projector, well...projected, their image on the screen. After he played it about three times and everyone had arrived, he picked a random name from the attendence sheet and asked that person if they knew the artist of the song. As luck, or irony, would have it, it was the only black chick in the entire room and I knew EXACTLY what was about to happen, so I smiled. She began to say things like "Ummm, kinda" and "Oh, I know this!" but it was obvious that she had no fucking idea, so I began to laugh to myself because the train wreck was just beginning. The professor started giving her hints and people started gasping and saying "oh my god" and the chick with the guitar looked like she was having a seizure, except uglier. Then I got to thinking and commented to the people around me, I figured they might as well get used to my opinions early on, "Are you really that surprised that she doesn't know this?" You can call it racism, you can call it stereotyping, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm 100% right. Black people know as much information about the Beatles as I know about making Chinese food. It's just not in their culture. Anyways, the guitar chick ended up practically yelling out "THE BEATLES!!" and went on to name the song, the album from which it was released and each band member in the order of their appearance in the picture...HOW IMPRESSIVE!!

Saturday was pretty weird, I was forced against my will, as opposed to being consensually forced, to go to a church (Read: Boring) part of a wedding. What did I take from this enlightening experience aside from terrible religious puns? That stereotypes are funny, ESPECIALLY when they're true. It was a Mexican couple in a Catholic church, in a part of Houston that I wouldn't want to walk alone around, and their names were Juan and practically writes itself. Afterwards I ended up chilling at my house with my cousin and, for the first time in almost a full year, just played video games all day. It felt good to finally wipe the dust off the Wii and go crazy with Super Monkey Ball (still the most difficult game I've ever played and have yet to beat), SSX Tricky and Need for Speed: Underground...because I have a mildly secret love for good racing games.

I'll leave you with the fact that TV season is coming back, starting with Entourage on Sunday, and there's only one new series worth watching: