Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 82

This image was taken right before they died, because this shit is getting out of hand.

LOTW: I don't know, but smell me, quick! -Dream talk

There's a new Lady Gaga sex doll that goes by the professional and stage name of Lady Gag-gag. The tag lines for the doll include "She loves it when you Poke her face" and "She's so dirty, even her doll smells!" And to that, I say, Happy 4th of July! America!!

A lot of people like to think the BP oil spill won't affect them. I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You may say "But Homero, I never go outside, I prefer to stay inside and play video games and shoot brown people." and I would reply "I love doing that too, but you know those barrels next to the cluster of enemies that you can shoot to cause an enormous explosion? If there's no more oil, there's no more barrels to shoot." Think about it.

In the Obama Administration's Remake of the Karate Kid, the film begins with Jaden Smith putting on his best sad face and looking at the door frame that features his marked growth. The director then shows us that his father is dead by including a shot of the height marks and highlighting one that reads: DADDY DIED. As if that's the very first thing every child does upon hearing about the death of a parent or loved one. Then the movie actually starts and you get the first taste of the soundtrack. Make sure to memorize the name of the music supervisor so you can look them up on IMDB and make sure to never watch another movie they work on again.

Once they finally get to China, they just happen to meet a white kid who also happens to play basketball, which as some of you may know, is a treasured African tradition. It's almost as if the studios were refusing to give them money until they made sure one white kid with blond hair was portrayed as a genuine good person. After meeting the lovely Aryan child, you're introduced to the most absolutely EVIL Chinese kid, who's only mission is to just defecate on this single black kid's happiness. All the while the Yank acts like a typical white guy and just watches disapprovingly like "Hey, don't look at me, I didn't tell the kid to look at people with a mixture of confusion and fussiness." Back to the Chinese kid though, because when he zeros in on Jaden Smith, he FUCKS HIS SHIT UP! It was so violent and full of hatred I couldn't stop laughing at its intensity. I really wanted to see this Chinese kid kill what was probably the only black child he's ever seen, and IN FRONT OF THE KID'S OWN MOTHER! Now THAT would've been a hell of a movie, it could've ended with him eventually fighting against Barack Obama. Oh well, maybe in the sequel....which they are planning.

In the end, it was a good story, the black kid makes out with the Chinese chick after she plays DDR in front of him to the tune of Lady Gaga. This sounds like I'm making it up but it's true, it even finishes by the game saying "You're Hott!" Every pedophile gave this movie 10 Horrified-Parents out of 10 horrified-parents. In the end, Jaden Smith uses black magic to beat the Chinese minion and Jackie Chan learns the valuable and often forgotten lesson that black people are people too.

Does chicken pox still exist? Are kids around the world still being held back by the crippling disease that plagues more children than chickens despite it's namesake? Do underdeveloped countries still feel the pain of being constantly itchy? How can we, as Americans, allow this abomination to continue? When will white-science step up and say "We've had it with chicken pox! We're putting down these Cialis 2: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger pills and working on The Pox-Cok-Block!"

I want to get into an argument with someone and get them riled up until they yell at me "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" so that I can then angrily reply with "I ALREADY DID THAT TWICE THIS MORNING, BUT IF IT WILL CALM YOU DOWN THEN I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!"

I think it's safe to say that no one cares about Jews, Muslims can't be trusted anymore (Then again, could they ever?) and everyone wants Christians to just shut the fuck up...but what about the Kwanzaa bullshit? It's growing in popularity every year and pretty soon we're going to start getting black christmas movies made by people other than Tyler Perry. Once that happens...all is lost. All I'm saying is that we need to stop stocking every Walgreens and CVS with Kwanzaa products and hope it dies out on its own.

This little story is one I've been meaning to post but wrote it in my stand up file and forgot about it a couple months ago:

I went to Denny's Diner, which is like a regular Denny's except it's almost exclusively for black people. Now, I did not know this at the time, so naturally, I went after smoking like 3 bowls with some friends. Now, to give you an idea of who I'm with, I've got a friend who also happens to be a gay and could NOT do ONE push-up to save his life. Then we have 2 girls, one is an art major, so you know one of us is going to have to lend her some money, and the other is not only the youngest and most sheltered of the bunch, but is also one inch away from being a legal midget. So we've got four high college students, of which, I'm the strongest...which is like having a Holocaust survivor defend you. On a side note, you know you're a pretty shitty posse when the comedian has the most money.

So we pull into the parking lot and I already feel out of place because of the cars we parked next to. First of all, there was a taxi, and considering there are approximately eight cabs in Houston, all of which are driven by black guys, it did not seem as this trip would bode well for at least one of us. On the other side, however, there was a station wagon with wood panels that is probably owned by an old racist black guy who may or may not like to yell at people my age. The car next to that guy was the one that really bothered me, it was a recently parked El Camino (I could tell because the rims were still spinning) with the windows tinted so much you could tie three white people together, set them on fire, throw them in the car with the doors shut and you wouldn't be able to see a thing. Although the screaming would definitely tip someone off eventually, because let's be honest, white people love to scream like little bitches...kinda like how black people like to scream as if someone cares.

So my 3 friends and I walk into this diner, which is L-shaped, and are seated in the very back-CORNER of the restaurant, where we couldn't be seen, or "identified" from the front door. We are so far away from the black customers I couldn't start an interracial food-fight if I wanted to. As I look around to inspect my surroundings, I see we're seated under the only painting in the entire building with white people in it, as if they're supposed to protect us when the inevitable gang fight begins. That's about the time I noticed that it was actually a painting filled with dead white people! I don't know how it got past important while people but this image was disturbing to someone in my state of mind and made me wait for my expected death. As it turned out though, black people really know how to do manual labor. For my understanding and bravery, I was awarded the most delicious burger I had had in months.

Alright my little lions or lambs, until next time: Lindsey Lohan breaking probation is NOT news.