Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 80

Hahahahahahahaha...she's a fat.

LOTW: Anne Frank was some lame dork who probably would've survived the holocaust if she'd given it up to the person who knew where her and her family were hiding... -Me, right now.

You know what I just noticed? I titled all these entries as a different day, but at the beginning of each one I have something called the "Line of the Week" and I only update this twice a month...NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!

Don't you love how excited and happy kids get when they realize their birthday is coming up? Me neither.

Normally, I'd let the punchline, the article in this case, speak for itself...but that's not happening with something as absurd as that. Lets begin with the standard What. The. Fuck?! Aside from me, what kind of parent sees an advertisement for that guy and his "services" and then decides to PAY HIM MONEY TO DO IT?! Where's the logic? First of all, you're wasting money. Instead of paying some guy to annoy your kid for a week, what you SHOULD be spending that money on is your kid's present, like a new set of nunchucks or throwing knives or some other weapon that could potentially save him from being attacked by a real evil clown. If there's one thing all scientists agree on, it's that you don't fuck around with evil clowns unless you're armed and willing to fight...and yes, that means 5 out of 5 doctors agree, not even the pussy hold-out from every toothpaste commercial can take on an evil clown by himself. Also, when you really get down to trass-backs, you quickly realize that this is all just really fucking wrong. Let me get this straight: As a parent, you want to willingly pay money out of your own pocket to have some stranger who enjoys dressing up in socially unacceptable costumes and texting creepy things to kids, to harass and terrorize your offspring so they can be scared out of their mind on their birthday, most likely in front of all of their friends?...and people STILL think abortion is "mean"? NO. FUCKING. SENSE. My favorite part of the article comes from the evil clown justifying his "business" by claiming "...most kids absolutely love being scared senseless." No. They don't. Kids love yelling, going fast, sugar, video games and boobies. End of story.

I don't understand why alcohol is legal and weed isn't. Unlike alcohol, weed has never been attributed to a guy hitting his girlfriends...it just reminds him how insignificant she is...

I'm going to release my new innovention today under the name: Grinder Jeans. These new jeans will be available everywhere for bar/club patrons who want to bring flirting to a whole new level.
  • Women will have Grinder Jeans that are thinner, yet tighter buttocks area so guys can immediately know whether they have a genuine ass in front of them or just some conveniently placed cellulite. Also included will be a zipper that closely resembles that of a Ziploc bag because I have too many Ziploc bags, which leads me to my patented "rip 'em N fix 'em" design that is extremely convenient for the horny and impatient drunk/pothead.
  • Mens will be considerably different. One side of the inner thigh will be thinner so girls can know you mean business, and the other will actually be thicker to prevent from getting over-aroused and let the reveal come to the other side whenever YOU are ready to make the switch. Also, the middle crotch are will be made of very flexible material so less chafing and "riding up" occurs, while still having a comfortable fit and being able to easily move your package from one side to the other as needed. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, each pair of jeans will have a small, hidden pocket for holding a small pack of condoms.
  • Kids models will look like regular jeans except they'll have velcro instead of a zipper because kids love velcro and the crotch area. They will also include pockets on the inside so they can carry Gameboys, slingshots, rubber bands, bouncy balls, candy and other things they can use to cause trouble.
  • All jeans will come in sizes that can only be worn by people who aren't fat. If I wanted fat people to wear my jeans, I would have made those massive pants all the fat, soulless kids wore in middle school, but I don't, so I didn't.
I must now present to you, the advantages of having a Dueling Legal System over our current one:

Like most of you
know, I work at Studio Movie Grill, which is what happens when the baby from a shitty restaurant and a shitty movie theater contracts herpes that is ALWAYS flaring up. Anyways, when tickets are purchased for the next showtime of a film that is still playing, the customers are placed in one of three lines so the people who bought tickets first get into the theater first. Last week, Line 1 consisted of people going to Date Night, Line 2 was empty and Line 3 had people going to see the Tyler Perry movie...needless to say, when I walked in for my shift, I was convinced segregation had been legalized once again. Sadly, this was not the case. It's not my fault that the people who think Tyler Perry "movies" are watchable also happen to be the same people in police line-ups. If you want to be treated equally, you have to act equal.

Sometimes I wish I only dated fat chicks...but only because you can treat them like shit and they're just grateful to be with someone who rarely finishes all their food. Just kidding, I wouldn't let some fat chick eat my food. Before you begin to judge me harshly, think about it this way: eventually they're grow to hate me and force themselves to lose weight and look slightly attractive just to spite me. In other words, my actions will have produced another not-fat chick for the benefit of all not-fat guys in the area. It's a win-win! The only way there could even be a loser is if someone took the fatty's fat-feelings into account, but let's be real, fatties don't count as real people; therefore they don't have real emotions. Think about it, normal people talk their feelings out and fat people eat them away...which one is morally correct? Certainly not the one dealing with gluttony, or as it's more popularly known: one of the Seven Deadly Sins!! Put this all together and you get undeniable proof that fat people are going to hell, right with the jews, retards and gingers.

If you're not sure if you're fat or not, answer this question truthfully to find out: Have you ever finished masturbating and thought "Man, I really shouldn't be this tired?" If you answered yes, or didn't laugh while saying no immediately, then you. are. fat. leave. my. site. kthnx.

This is Mr. Stewart explaining the stupid South Park "fiasco" from the 201st episode:

and this is the unofficial music video to Pase Rock's fucking awesome song called: Lindsey Lohan's Revenge.