Thursday, May 22, 2008

Day 34

A nerdy picture for a nerdy entry...

Line of the Week: I hope you realize the world isn't so bad...and then you get raped! -John Gard

This is going to be one of my nerdiest entries ever, so hold on to your 15 gigs of midget porn, Red Bull induced fart infested chair and bag of Cheetos (The puffy kind) because this will probably be mildly awkward. If you don't have a decent broadband internet connection, all the videos and links I'm gonna be throwing in are going to slow your PC down a bit. The content is well worth it though, so without further delay, here we go.

First of all, if I don't finally mention this I'll keep on putting it off like I have for over almost a month. The Playstation 3. It's been out for a while and aside from maybe two games, one of which is GTA IV, there's hardly any reason to buy it yet. Then I found out about LittleBigPlanet, which will be the biggest game for the PS3 with the only other contender being the new Metal Gear Solid. Here are a few clips of the game...simply fucking amazing. I was never planning on getting a PS3, but now I'm seriously considering it:

Oh, and you gotta love the emotions feature:

All excitement aside, I honestly believe that these trailers alone blow GTA IV out of the water. Half Life 2 made everyone excited about Physics engines again and most games have barely used them, if at all, in any new ways. LBP is doing just that and is going to revolutionize Sony's, if not the whole industry's, future physics-enabled gaming expectations.

Another game that's going to revolutionize the way we look at gaming in general is the game that's been delayed, in production and has never existed; all at the same time...within the last 3 years. I'm talking about Spore, the game where you begin as a cell and evolve into a full-grown and incredibly unique creature, eventually creating a small tribe that grows into various cities until you reach a level of space exploration...that's right, you literally create a universe with a planet inhabited by your personally designed species.

Here's a really in-depth video of how it will work...prepare to be amazed:

Moving away from video games, I wanna touch up a little bit on some movies I'm excited about. This one is really special, a friend of mine, Alex, mentioned to me a while ago and that I checked out, but forgot about because it could barely be classified as being in Pre-Production at the time. Well I Googled it recently and was amazed at how far along it was and am now VERY excited for its release. The movie is The Watchmen, which is based off a comic of the same name, and will feature some badass characters that make sense and will be easy to relate to. The casting looks great, from the most famous character, Rorschach, to Silk Spectre, Ozymandias, Nite Owl and my favorite, The Comedian, they all look fucking great.

I'll tell you why The Comedian is my favorite. Aside from being a comedian, which is actually not the reason I like him at all, he's simply the most badass and ruthless character of them all. He's known for having very littly, if any, regard for morality or human life and it is often assumed he fights crime to justify his super-violent sadistic acts against people. He does this while wearing a Smiley Face button on his shirt, probably for his own twisted pleasure and the clincher for me is that he loves much that he rapes Silk Spectre. Who has two thumbs, would be amused by these acts and has a goal to do a 5min. set on rape? This guy! Hahaha...oh man, you gotta love him.

My only disdain on it being a Watchmen movie is that that means The Comedian will probably die in the first part of the movie and be seen in the rest only through flashbacks and whatnot. too bad they didn't do The Minutemen...oh well. Needless to say, I can't wait for the first trailer to be released. Until then, here's the teaser poster:

Another movie I've been really looking forward to is 9. It's a movie based on a short film by Shane Ackner that is one of the best and most detailed animations I've seen in my life. It's just so good by itself that it seems like the movie will be an insult. However, the king of dark animation(albeit with no other competition), Tim Burton, has been set to produce it. I could rabble on for a page on how great the animation and movie is, but you would never get it until you see the actual animation:

I won't go as in-depth into the rest as I did with the previous two, but I feel they deserve honorable mention.
  • Bunraku - A new samurai/western hybrid with dynamic photography from the likes of Sin City and 300 starring Josh Hartnett.
  • Where the Wild Things Are - A remake of the classic book. Has some great voice actors and the monsters look great, Google it for some abstract but mildly detailed pictures.
  • Repossession Mambo - Read the's almost exactly like a joke I wrote in High School. The sad part is that it's somehow going to be a serious movie...
  • Push - Although I'm kinda iffy, and by iffy I mean borderline passionate rage, about a movie with Dakota Fanning, I'm a sucker for telekineses so I'll probably stream it online.
Aside from that, I recently watched Street Kings with Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Martha Higareda. Yes, that means they were in the room with me, and let me say, even though Forest is older and mature, he still screamed at the television during the action parts and would always be like "Oh shit, check this part out, it's intense!". Then Hugh would ramble on about Vicodin and Lupus and blah blah blah. Very annoying. I must say though, the film is fantastic, Reeves plays a complete badass and I was actually impressed by his acting. The action scenes were pretty badass too.

Alright, let me end this entry right...with some comedy. I haven't been a big fan of SNL since Tina Fey left, but these clips from the season finale were incredibly hilarious.

SNL Digital Short: Japanese Office - Oh my fucking god...this clip was the best SNL short I've seen in a long time. If you don't watch The Office you're not gonna laugh nearly as hard as everyone else will, but you definitely will enjoy it. My favorite part is Wiig's Japanese schoolgirl laugh.

Charlie Flitt Show - This clip is great not so much for the writing, but simply for the jumping through life-size pictures...which I am going to do from now on. Tomorrow I'm going to go to Kinkos and get 50 life-size pictures printed on cheap paper to replace every door I usually use throughout the day, and some I don't so people can just look at an enormous picture of me all day.

I think
that's about it. I typed this in less than an hour and feel like I can finally stop keeping all those websites open in Firefox tabs. The next entry will be next week and chances are I'll review Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull so watch it or be spoiled...and remember; Rape Hookers, not Babies.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Day 33

Liquid life...

Line of the Week: I wake up in tents all the time -Wladimir Klitschko on sex before a fight.

Monterrey 4-Day Summer Trip!

Day One:
First of all, aside from the great text conversation in the beginning, the bus ride was fucking terrible, I sat next to the air conditioner which was set to "Freeze all genitals to Absolute Zero" and had the pleasure of having an old asshole fill the seat in front of me. Why was he an asshole? Whenever I would turn the light on to read (Granted it was 2am, but still) he would almost purposefully move to the side I was reading and lean back, and after a few minutes, if I didn't "get it" he would turn the light off while snoring...fuck you, you piece of shit wetback.

A movie starts playing (The Great Raid) and as soon as it ends we arrive at the gas station to make a standard stop. You know those gas stations you see in really cheap horror movies where you know a good amount of people are going to die? Add a Burger King and a shitload of shiny cheap metal to that image and you've got the gas station we stopped at. It even came completely with a guy grocery shopping at 3am...WITH A MULLET!! You gotta love Texas.

Some hours later we finally arrive at the border and have to get off in a single-file line because Mexico doesn't believe in two lines, it's against the law to be that efficient and have people coming in have an initial pleasant experience. As a guard with kevlar starts randomly searching luggage, I notice he's pulling mine out and start giggling, much to the awkwardness of the girl and guy behind me. The girl is about my age and pretty fuckable, while the guy is old enought to call 'dad' or 'fatty'. I explain to them that it took me 10min. to close the damn suitcase with a pillow and blanket in it and smiled as we all stood there watching him trying to get it done while holding a flashlight...eventually he put the flashlight (Or 'torch' for my UK readers) down and used both hands and his knee to close it. Immediately after, Fatty starts hitting Fuckable, asking her if she came alone, how old she is, if she can lubricate a 40yr. old penis with her pussy juice (That last one may be slightly altered). Then we get in the bus and again, he starts laying down his pathetic Fatty Mack on her, making for an awkward silence, filled only by the stench of slight pedophilia in the air.

I'm finally able to get a nap in and some seven or so hours later arrive to the bus stop where I take a taxi to my apartment, take a shower and do a bunch of boring obligations for the rest of the day while being atrociously exhausted.

Oh wait, I forgot I also went out to a bar then a club and drank until my vision was impaired and anything with a vagina looked enticing. After having tried every Mexican beer, although I've tried them all before this is the first time I've tried them all in one night, I came to some much needed conclusions about some of them. Indio is obviously the best with Dos Equis in close second, but you've gotta stay away from that Tecate Light shit unless that's all your gonna be drinking for the night.

The Red Bull offices look pretty cool. Probably aesthetically obnoxious after a while but it's a nice amount of eye candy in short bursts. Really digging the built in slide.

Day Two:
I woke up still mildly buzzed from the leftover alcohol in my system and attempted to figure out why I chose to sleep with my clothes on. After almost throwing up due to the disgusting taste in my mouth that was something like warm and rotting beer, I took a shower and got some Chinese food with a friend...fucking delicious (the food). In case you're wondering, yes, I've been in Mexico for over 24 hours and have yet to even touch a tortilla.

If you haven't seen the season finale of The Office, do so now. It is, after watching it I really wanted to be a writer on that show, or a least sit in on a writing session.

Real-life Iron Man you say? Blasphemy!

Didn't do anything else except write a bunch of jokes, talk with some friends and finally had a big Campechana for dinner, which was also delicious.

Day Three:
I'm not really sure, I'm almost 40% positive, that I woke up at some point...but don't quote me on that. After the alleged awakening you know what I did? Had some mo' tacos. Later, I went to 7-11 to get myself a deliciously refreshing Classic Coke [Insert mildly-sexual smile here]. As I was paying, I casually turned my head towards the door and saw a 6, but potential 7.5, walking in. Normally, as I could tell she was a tad bit insecure and had extremely large natural breasts, I would hit on her, but there was a small problem. Aside from the fact that her face told me she wasn't a day over 23, her huge feminist bra-hating sagging tits told me she could have been 60. Seriously. Not that I didn't love the incredibly low cut shirt, but it looked less like she had to large delicious mammary glands, and more like she was having two babies who couldn't get along and live under one dome.

Then me and two roommates watched Season 1, Episodes 1-5 of House, saw me practice a little French with the French beb, went to eat and then watched House episodes again. Afterwards, we got some alcohol at around 3:30am, went to a chick's house and drank until 5am, when we left and came back to the apartment where, again, we watched House episodes again.

I want to see the cancer that's been taken out of, have someone plop that sucker on a table and give me a magnifying glad and stick to poke it with.

Although most people who rate and/or critique movies are pretentious douchebags who are wrong and love their extreme bias, I've gotta say that I agree with every one of TVWP's verdicts about which movies with rock or suck this summer.

Day Four:
Sunday! Sunday!! Sunday!!! For breakfast I ordered myself a fucking mouth-watering pizza from RedSpot and got myself a ticket back to Houston. Did the whole dinner thing and whatnot. Then I chilled at the apartment,waiting in anticipation to leave and sleep on a bus with 40 other Mexicans...and I don't mean that sexually.

At first I figured I'd read Meditations for a while or see how long I can keep an erection without any physical aid. However, I was sat next to a non-spanish speaking woman with her two infants...which means I didn't get any sleep. I mean, she would actually wake me up to ask me where the fuck we were. I'M IN THE BUS TOO, how the hell should I know? Then, when her baby started crying she would hit it on the ass to make it stop...what the hell? Worst. Parent. Ever.

The fun really started as soon as we crossed the border. When we get to the US, we have to go through immigration, forcing us to get off the bus, present our documents/passport and pass our luggage through an X-Ray machine. I got off the bus wearing jeans, t-shirt, hoodie, flip-flops and socks. That's right, I was pulling off the flip-flops/socks combo. How more American can I get with that fashion iconography? Granted, it would've been better if I had used black dress socks and khaki cargo shorts, but I didn't have those available at the time. I wore this as a precaution; in case immigration thought my passport was fake I could just point at my feet and tell them what's up:

Immigration: Sorry sir, but I can't let you pass with this passport.
Me: What? But that's me, honest broham.
I: Don't call me that.
Me: Sorry.
I: This passport is obviously fake. I have no proof you're American, I'm sorry but I have to send you back to Laredo.
Me: Wait!
I: What?
Me: Look ::Point to feet::
I: Hmm...flip-flops and socks...I don't know. It's still kinda sketchy.
Me: Oh really? I'm not American? Come one man, check out the kicks.
I: I did, I'm just sayi-
Me: No man...I mean REALLY check them out. I'm a tuxedo hat and Livestrong bracelet away from becoming a US Senator.
I: This is true...alright, you can go.

Then I finally arrived home (Thanks to that Alam kid for picking me up), wrote this, published it, and crashed after being awake for the past 40 hours.

Fuck buses and babies.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Day 32

What the repercussions of this entry will be like...

Line of the Week: Jesus Plane -Pastor Shepard

Someone, or no one, recently asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars. Now obviously going to Barnes and Nobles and spending it all to get drunk with knowledge (sapiosexual, remember?), however that's more fun in real life than on paper. After much thought I came up with ways I would spend this new found scratch. Keep in mid that these are all options, any of them can be interchanged with another:
  • Get away with rape - I would go to the Galleria, rape a MILF, throw 50 Gs at her and walk away a happy man.
  • Buy drugs - Now before you start questioning my morals, I mean pharmaceutical drugs. I would bribe the annoying pretentious dick on the other side of the elevated counter at Walgreens and get myself some Viagra, Aderrall, Codine, and whatever fun goodies exist back there. I would put the viagra in every drink in every social event I would go to, sit back and enjoy the awkwardness...can a clit get an erection?
  • Open a bar - It would mean I get liquor sent to me, and I could host a couple open mics a week and then bring in bands or whatever on those other days. Did I mention the alcohol would come to me? Because it would.
  • Get rid of this guy...I mean, even the New York Post knows he's a douche.
  • Buy Green Garden, the Chinese food place I eat at every chance I get, and have them send me an order of Sesame Chicken and Chicken Fried Rice to my house at least thrice a week.
  • Buy enough people and equipment to allow me to burn every Wal Mart within 40miles to the the ground.
Not too shabby, eh?

Yesterday I had Chinese food for lunch and ate so much it hurt to move afterwards. The first thing I did when I got home though was masturbate, then pee and then end with a nice fat dump; and you know what? Afterwards, it felt like I hadn't eaten a thing all goddamn day...

Did you watch Iron Man? If you did and liked it, like me, and don't want the fun to end, check out Rod Hilton's Abridged Iron Man Script.

It's no secret that The Greater Truth is simply an absurd and exaggerated version of my real personality, but I have to ask myself from time to time, is this arrogance leaking into my subconscious and rearing it's ugly yet interestingly hilarious head into my daily social life? Probably. Though it may be comedic and entertaining in the short run, I think this is going to get bad quickly...I guess some personality tweaking is in order...this personal development that's been happening since I took philosophy is fun and all, but it requires all it.

This entry sucks because I'm typing this as I'm packing to go to Monterrey from tonight until Monday morning. That being said, I'll probably have better shit next week, and in case you're wondering no, I didn't make it to the Semi-Finals of Houston's Funniest Person Contest. However, you can help by going here:

Then click on "Vote for Me!" on the right-side and use a valid e-mail address and you're done. You can vote once a day, which means you can get 4 votes per e-mail address.

I'll see everyone when I'm back in this midly-English-speaking country we're all so fond of.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Day 31

Fucking Americans and their illegal rape...

Line of the Week: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos. -Ari Gold on Entourage

Ollie Lang Clinic was quite an enjoyable experience. It was great hanging out with him, and when I say 'hanging out' I really mean taking pictures of him when he's not looking. After Saturday I went to Nate's house and after I washed all the sweat off my balls we went to Adam from Grudge's house in Clear Lake about an hour away, ate some crayfish and played some GTA IV (which is badass). After that we met Chinaman up at Fry's, only to find out he was with some friends who are idiotic enough to bring a fucking 9-year old kid with them...which means unless we wanted to go the McDonalds Playplace, we could do shit with that dead-weight around.

I offered to perform a "Late Abortion" but the bastards wouldn't let me, so we drove back to Nate's house while complaining about gas prices and chilled before we crashed. Seriously though, who brings a kid to hang out with college kids? I'm pretty sure abortion was invented by college kids. What a schmuck.

The next day I went back all the way to Twisted did the photography thing, getting shot three times total and dragged my tired-ass home, accumulating the total miles driven in two days to about 150+ miles. Ass-numbing? Yes. Relaxing? Fuck yes.

In case you haven't checked my MySpace or Facebook, I made it to the Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Competition. I'm so fucking excited about it since I'm one of, if not, the youngest and newest comedian to have a chance to make it to the Semi Finals. I'll most likely be doing a new set that will slowly start transitioning me away from racial humor and will definitely be hilarious enough to get me in the next round.

Come support me, here's the details:
What: Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Contest!!
When: Tuesday, May 13th at 8pm.
Where: Laff Stop
Alternatively, take 610 to I-10 East, take a right on Westcott, Left on Memorial, right on Waugh and it's the very first building on the right. Second floor, you can't miss it.
How much: Ridiculously cheap price to see 12 great comics perform - $5.
Why: I want to prove, mostly to myself, that although I lack the experience right now, I will soon be a damn good comedian with solid non-hack/Dane Cook/Carlos Mencia material.

I wasn't going to post this since the moment I found out they were making a Speed Racer movie completely in CGI almost made me want to bathe in bleach, but damn me was I wrong. The W. Bros uploaded the first 7min. of Speed Racer (Came out today) and I've gotta say, it looks really damn good:

I agreed to have lunch with my parents a couple days ago and man, was the joke was on me this time. I get into my dad's truck and there in the front seat is the old lady they've been taking care of because she's selling us her property. This is a problem because if you can't tell by my misanthropic and anti-humanity related rants and off-the-cuff remarks, I'm not a big fan of the oldies. I mean, I'm fine with like that 102 year old lady from England who can still walk, dress herself and even drink, but it's the 80-somethings that can't walk that annoy me.

First of all, they're the ones that smell like death just farted on them while he was waiting for them to die. Secondly, who wants to live that long? What do you do when you can't walk alone, can't cook and have your license taken away? DIE, exactly, which is what those old people need to concentrate on doing, not talking about their kids who are very much alive and that I don't care about. So she starts talking about how much her first kid weighed even though no one asked her about it and went on to ramble about how much she can remember and blah blah blah.

We finally get to the restaurant, Luby's, and I find out that she's not only really old, weak and needs help walking...she's also LEGALLY FUCKING BLIND! I'm down with deaf people, I can tolerate mute people and I can kinda deal with Italians on a good day...but blind people?! That's too much. In a sense of irony it seemed, Luby's put up those bank-line ropes, which means we had to zig-zag her to the buffet. This also meant we had to put up with her complaining "Why are we going this way, didn't we just come from there?"...and I wish it was over here, but it wasn't...sigh...

Luckily, the only part that was left was to eat, so I gobble up my food for the sake of being able to use the word 'gobble' outside of November, but simultaneously and subtly watched her eat (Or try to). She couldn't even eat right! She'd get like one small piece of food and when it reached the halfway point from her plate to her mouth (What Zeno would call M1), her mouth would open and sart shaking fucking annoying and's almost appalling how inconsiderate people are in public these days.

That idiot Carlos Mencia has a new special out called Performance Enhanced where he decided to to wear his boyfriend's gayest shirt possible. This shirt looks like it was made out of sodomy and Satan's anal leakage. I mean, aside from fucking The Devil anally, how else did he get his TV show? I have to say though, I'm jealous of one thing Mencia has...and that's his specials. The talentless thieving hack has had at least three specials in the last decade, beating Lewis Black, a comic with talent.

Pathetic...if he REALLY wants to be "badboy" of comedy in regards to racial humor, while still hitting hard with some good shock value, he needs to try some stuff like this:
  • I like my slaves like I like my coffee, Black.
  • I like my like my terrorists how I like my coffee, Brown.
  • I like my women how I like my rice, Yellow.
  • and I also like my women how I like my teenagers...experiencing puberty.
and I've gotta say that I've thought it through and I'm 100% sure that there is no better way to end this entry than with the pedophile remark above. So come see my show, Mencia's a douche, pedophilia is in and I'm spent...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Day 30

Need I say more?

Line of the Week: You used Ghostbusters for evil!! -Tina Fey on 30 Rock

Iron Man, Iron Man, Iron Man...yeah I saw it today, and honestly, would you expect anything less? The movie was great, no doubt about it, and is worth every penny you pay to go see it. The CG was incredible, sound effects were incredibly crisp, the humor was just right and the acting was more than superb. However, what kind of a skeptic would I be if I didn't point out the flaws that bothered me about it that stopped it from being a perfect 10/10 film? A nice one...and that is certainly NOT me. There's really only one problem with the movie and that is the action, or lack thereof. The action sequences they have are completely badass and are done flawlessly. However, the only real enemies he's fighting are his previous and rather hindered capturers. The only time there is a real one-on-one battle is at the end, against Iron Monger, and is extremely bland due to Iron Man's arc reactor being the weaker one. This makes the entire final battle disappointingly one-sided with Iron Monger being destroyed by something completely random and without any real climax. Overall, after talking about it with other film buffs and going over the film a couple times, I think Iron Man deserves an 8/10 as far as the Iron Man franchise goes, and a 9.5/10 as a film. Go see it.

In case you were looking for proof that abortion is not only right, but should be encouraged, look no further than this picture.

Wednesday some couple in a car stopped me on my way to class to ask me where the library I pointed to the nearest building, about 30 feet away from me and the car, and said "Oh, it's this big building that says 'Harris County Public Library' on it...". Apparently too numb by the irony to figure out what happened, they proceed to ask me if I know if there was a "gaming tournament going on". At this point I gave them a "Did you really just say gaming tournament to me out loud?" look and just walked away.

I also went to go see Tina Fey's new film, Baby Mama, last weekend and that's another film I think everyone should see. Some really great comedy, Fey's a beb, the funny token black man and a bunch of other comedy moments. Here's the interesting part, when I went to sit down, the girl I was with noticed that there was a liquid spilled all over the floor for like three guess is that someone's water broke in the theater. Basically, for a few minutes before we decided to get up and move we were dunking our feet in deliciously moist and sticky uterus liquid...let that sink in and imagine it.

A new trailer was uploaded recently for The Dark Knight and it looks even more badass than the first.

I was nervous as fuck on Tuesday for Houston's Funniest Person Contest, and even though I knew with my material that I wasn't going to go the the next level, I know I'm a pretty damn good contender for the Wild Card and at least a good amount of Houston comics know who I am, which was the main reason why I was nervous. I had a great time and everyone did great, everyone who I expected to make it, did, and I'll be at the Semi-finals to cheer them on. I can't wait to try out some new material next week. Now if I can only get on the next Laff Stop Showcase I'd be set. Here's the video from the contest:


Recently, I was driving with my windows down and on my way home I saw that someone else was also doing it as they drove next to me. The difference, however, was that she weighed over 250 pounds and had her arm out of the car. Not only could I see her arm flapping in the wind...but because I had me windows down I could also hear the flapping, which sounded extremely similar to a dry raspberry. As if this wasn't bad enough, because we both had our windows down I could see her fat arm with great detail. If I had had my windows up it would've been a bit darker and maybe blurrier, but because I didn't, it was like her fat flapping arm was in fucking blu-ray. I could almost see the cellulite chunks flying off her arm and hitting her poor uneducated kids in the back seats.

Uterus liquid...

This semester is almost over. All I've got left are finals and then it's back to doing nothing productive, which is defined by my parents as "doing something that makes money" but she won't even let me work at any place I like. Neither an abortion clinic nor professional-murderer's apprentice are good enough places for her.

Now I gotta get mah shit ready for the Ollie Lang Clinic I'm photographing tomorrow...hopefully some funny shit will go down that I can write about on my next update and then we can laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh...