Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 53

Maybe abortion is wrong...

Line of the Week: I'm shooting babies, no ifs, ands or maybes -Randy quoting the Notorious B.I.G.

I want to start off by saying that not only is it fucking exciting that Halloween is this Friday, but that if you don't go to a Halloween party dressed up, you're mentally retarded. Like, the mental way. The only people exempt from this are middle schoolers because, well, they're already mentally retarded.

I bought the Casino Royale 3-Disc Collector's Edition on Friday and holy shit, it's badass, there's so much stuff to watch and the only downside was trying to open the damn thing. The package consisted of two plastic wrappers, which is like wearing two condoms; they're annoying and cause much pain afterwards. Then, there was a box to hold the box with the actual discs...yes, a box inside of a motherfucking box. Damn you Sony, you're like the bastards who attached my Power Rangers' Zords to the cardboard using 53 twist ties...

* * * Random Contest!! * * *
I drive a Taurus and while hanging out with Taylor on Friday we came up with the genius idea to write the letters "CLI" before the name on the back of the car. Obviously, we weren't going to do it to my car, but if you do it to another car (No permanent markers, that counts as vandalism) and take a picture, I'll give you a prize of some sort.

The real big news this weekend was the "gig" that Allen and I got on Saturday. It was at College Station, so after sleeping in on Saturday and watching Sin City with director commentary, Allen and Daniel came over and we headed out (But not after hitting up McDonalds for my Chicken McNuggets). When we got to the place, what we thought was going to be a pretty decent sized event, ended up being a group of like 20 Asian nerds, the girls looked like something straight out of F.O.B. Magazine.

Afterwards, we went to the most fucking surreal party I have ever been to. Seriously, there was an Asian guy yelling half the time with the weirdest Martin Lawrence impersonation I (thought) have ever heard. Then there were weird people also yelling, some mute fucking annoying chick that tried to force me to take a Jello shot while I had a beer in my hand...I would've stabbed her but I couldn't move my arm too much or find a knife fast enough, or a place without witnesses...oh, and it's also illegal I think. Then, after spilling over ten Jello shots that caused even more yelling by the Asian guy, she spit a Jello shot at some guy, but because she's fucking stupid and drunk she hit Dan's face, my hair and hoodie and the wall behind us.

We ended up chilling at someone's house and crashing there after watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street. The whole night was pretty funny, mediocre, but funny. Some of the lines that came up through the eventful night though, were absolutely ridiculous:

If we get pulled we can just say "That wasn't a U-Turn, motherfucker, that was CLEARLY two left turns!!"
Me, on making a U-Turn where it there's a No U-Turn sign.

It's so hard picking out a new bible...I wish I had some help
Allen exclaiming loudly in the Christian section of Barnes and Nobles

What the fuck is that? It smells and sounds like Paki Techno Night...
Me, on some random Indian event we passed

Knock knock - Who's there? - Whore - Whore-who? - That act was fucking horrible...
Allen and I tag-teaming a gay Asian-singing-duo

For a restaurant that only makes chicken tenders, you'd think they'd be good...
Me, on Raising Cane's Chicken Tenders (mediocrity at its worse)

...and the highlight of the night: HOWDY fAGS!
Allen "editing" the parking lot sign that read "Howdy Ags!"...way too easy.

I stopped watching Heroes a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine recently reminded me of it so I thought I'd make a couple observations about it. I left it because the Heroes writers went fucking insane with the writing, adding three twists to each episode. The worst one was when we found out that every character was related...seriously. I'm pretty sure that if Angela Petrelli had AIDS from the time that she was a teenager EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER would also have it. the family through sex or birth, Niki Sanders, D.L. Hawkins, Micah Sanders and who knows who else...then we could call the show "Heroes for Rent." Yeah, I know it's an easy joke, but I like it.

Until next week, don't forget about the contest make sure you DO NOT VOTE...seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Ignore what Leonardo DiCaprio, Sarah Silverman and Kyra Sedgewick said, don't wake up early in the next 8 days to vote. It's a terrible idea, you have to wait in line, most of the states are already locked into the same political party they've been with lately and you'll probably have to listen to someone else's opinion about something...and really, who wants that?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Day 52

Reality Comics just never caught on...

Line of the Week: Don't even get me started on Chili's Semen -Dan

A big week has been in the works, and by works I mean past tense, and by past tense I mean this sentence doesn't make sense.

I watched the premiere episode of that new TV show: My Own Worst Enemy. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did and I regret it; they should've called it My Own Worst Television Experience. You know what's worse than Christian Slater? Two Christian Slaters...Jesus, that guy is fucking annoying and he's the exact opposite of a badass killer.

I was in my Sociology class and while we were talking about Collective Behavior, which happens when something tragic happens like a hurricane or something, causing people to come together under different circumstances, my teacher was showing us pictures of various infamous events in history and when she came upon a picture of the WTC collapsing and people running away from a large cloud of smoke, she said "Of course you all know what this is." To which I replied, loud and clear, "Oh...yeah, Cloverfield." I'll be damned if it didn't have everyone in the class laughing, save the teacher...and this Indian chick, she started to laugh but I told her she wasn't allowed to.

I bought Punch-Drunk Love (2-Disc Collecters Edition) for $9.99 from Fry's last Wednesday and when I got home and opened up the plastic wrapping, the plastic holding one of the DVDs in place fell on my lap into pieces. The DVD was also scratched to where it would only play maybe 15min. of th emovie before it would skip and go back to the beginning. I took it back on Thursday and after I get my replacement DVD, the guy who was helping me (Imagine an older Bobby Lee with a stronger accent and a deep sadness in his eyes) puts the scratched DVD in the box and sticks a label on it that read "Opened Product - $8.99." Needless to say, if you're buying software of any kind at Fry's, make sure you stay away from the discounted ones, because they don't fucking

I went to an early screening of Zack and Miri Make a Porno with Dan and after sitting down for a bit, we see some kid with an official Pokemon hat on and a Mewtwo shirt on, come in. I immediately say "Oh, shit, Ash Ketchum is here, you'd all better hide your pikachus...even though he technically shouldn't be here because he should be working on completing his Pokedex." Then, Dan reminds me of what movie we're seeing and I exclaim outloud for all those around me to hear "What the hell? This movie is a Kevin Smith film, rated R, about two adults making a porno, and this lady decided to bring her 9 year old kid with her?...what a horrible mother." This made at least 4 strangers around me laugh in surprise...either that or because I actually had the audacity to say that a mother was horrible, who knows? Homero - 1, Parenting Magazine - 0.

I recently found the first CD I ever burned back in the late 90s, I knew it was the first CD I had ever burned because the very first song was Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At?...good times. Oh, and it also had this classic tune.

I've noticed, in the past 2-3 weeks, that a lot of my friends are MUCH more closed minded than I had previously thought. It's astounding and this is where I noticed the little differences between me and other people. You see, where most people would be appalled by this and begin to find new friends, I've actually enjoyed this little enlightenment because it affirms my status as being superior to them. If you assume you're superior to everyone, when you find someone that's really cool or unique and interesting, they shine and stick out in your mind, and if they turn out to be a typical human being, you're not surprised and you continue to live on happily...on a completely unrelated note, I'm officially an enormous fan of Dexter. Seriously, next to The Joker's monologue in the interrogation room from The Dark Knight, this guy has some of the best and most resounding lines I've ever heard.

I'll be honest, I didn't believe we were in a recession of any sort until I was at H-E-B last night and the cashier noticed my mom buying a bug pack of Doublemint gum and said she's probably have to get some as a stocking stuffer. Some packs of gum as a stocking stuffer? I'm pretty sure that's considered an insult in some The United States. I'd rather not get anything in a stocking than get gum. It's like if I stuffed my mom's stocking with vaginal cleaning supplies, I might as well throw them at her while saying "Here, clean yourself up, you're making us all sick with that smell."

...or something like that.

So I've been having a pretty solid streak of good ideas lately and while I was eating dinner at a pizza place with my mom on Sunday, another one hit me like a shot in a light bulb with a voltage of 1.21 Jigawatts. Egg Pizza. That's right mofos, it's pizza with eggs as a fucking topping that you can have for breakfast! I'm not sure if it's Atkins friendly yet, but I'll check on that later.

I'll leave you with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:

Until next time: Eggs, motherfucker! Do you eat them?!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Day 51


Line of the Week: I'm so left-wing I'm Korean -Me...kinda.

Before I begin typing the next paragraph thing I need to mention that I have an announcement.

I have an announcement:
I tried out for a Comedy Night at Lone Star and I got it, it's November 11th at 7pm at Lone Star, room CENT 135. Here's the Facebook Page for more info...oh, and it's free.

So the Presidential debates happened last week or that's cool I guess. I could talk about them but I didn't watch them, instead I decided to watch reruns of House. Why reruns? I can't remember...oh yeah, it was because the debates canceled the new episode of House for the week...assholes. I did manage to catch a minute though, between a set of boring commercials. John McCain said we went into Somalia as peacemakers and all I could think is "...he's obviously never seen Black Hawk Down, because we went into Somalia as badass mofos...and Orlando Bloom died."

Wednesday I went to Jason's Deli with Nicole and Aaron and while we were eating outside a lady pulls up to a handicapped spot and parks in it and walks out of my line of site. Dumbfounded, I say "What the fuck? That lady wasn't even crippled!" Then she walks back into my line of site whilst holding a baby, and I immediately, without thinking, say "Oh...well maybe her baby' is handicapped." Stupid? Yes, but it was hilarious at the time because, technically, aren't all babies handicapped? Besides, strollers are just really comfy wheelchairs. Now every time I see a baby, I imagine them trying to walk with the help of a pair of 6 inch tall crutches.

Afterwards, Aaron goes to work and Nicole and I hit up Barnes and Noble's for a bit, only to find out that they completely changed the layout of the entire store. While I was in the self-help section looking for the philosophy section all I could think is that I needed self-help book on how to navigate through new Barnes and Nobles layouts. After walking around for a bit, I passed the religion section and paused when I noticed a few things.
They have three Christianity Bibly Sections:
  1. Travel Bibles for the Christian on-the-go.
  2. Bible Bibles for the Stationary Christian.
  3. Study Bibles for the Uneducated Christian that can't read comprehensively.
They also have a Manga Bible, where Jesus is a Ninja...there's part where the image shows Jesus giving/throwing a bunch of stuff at someone and the line, that's obviously straight from the real Bible, is "...and he let it rip!" Don't believe I actually saw it? Click here for a credible documentation of this event.

The next day, before my Sociology class, that ended up being canceled, I had this interesting conversation with this chick from the class. I wish I could make this up but it's true and definitely beating the time I convinced a friend I was Jewish, or convincing a friend at Texas Tech that midgets weren't real (She's a communications major so it doesn't technically count).

Anyways, she was like 17 or something anddefinitely looked like the type that believed Jurassic Park was based on a true story. We were talking about cars and whatnot and I told her that the carborator breaks down the carbs in gasoline. She initially refused to believe this but then I laid told her that that's why it was called a carb-orator, and that the transmission breaks down the Trans Fat in gasoline. She started laughing like it might be silly but I decided to press on. The next line I fed her I was particularly proud of: "Yeah, you know how ethanol is made purely from corn? Well corn, and the oil used in gasoline, also comes from the ground, which is littered with carbohydrates and trans fat and it creates the energy for our cars." She believed it for about 30 seconds when she began to ask her friend about it and between the ensuing spurts of laughter I told her I was joking.

Do you like porn, but not the sex? Me too. Do you like Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni and want to watch them not have sex? Me too! You should check out PG Porn, courtesy of Chud!

In my history class today, we talked about Imperialism and Nationalism, neither of which are interesting, but my responses to my professor's questions caused laughter from him and the students:
Question: What had American's invested in that made them want to annex Hawaii?
My Answer: T-Shirts with flowers on them?

Question: What nationwide common bond makes us all Americans?
My Answer: Miley Cyrus.

I'll leave you with this because it reminds me of myself when I was younger...

Wait, scratch that, I was trying to decide what video to leave you with, but then I remembered this is my website and I can post whateva I wantz, so I'll actually be leaving you with another Jake and Amir video:

DID YOU KNOW...that I have three politic-related items in this entry? Because I totally does.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Day 50

This is why I'm a Marketing major...

Line of the Week: I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you. -Dwight Schrute

Well look at this, it's my 50th official update...I guess that means I'm allowed to be disrespectful to cops, mix business with pleasure and start my own church and/or cult. I'm not sure which one I'll do first, it's a tough decision, but maybe I'll just eat some shrooms out in the desert and see what the powers-that-be think.

While Anne Hathaway was on Letterman, she forgot what her clip from Rachel Getting Married was about and said that she brain fart, but CBS wasn't having none of that and actually censored it by changing the captions to say "brain freeze." At least I can still watch not-so-subtle racism and stereotyping from my favorite Disney films.

HEB was the name of my destination on Thursday, and while I was in the express lane, you know, for those who live in the fast lane, I picked up some random magazine with Uma Thurman on the cover. Behind it however, was another magazine that had Halle Berry or some other black actress on the cover, which was like a bug zapper to the black lady in front of me. She grabbed the magazine, set it down on the conveyor belt, flipped (not even skimming) through a few pages and decided to buy it...which was illustrated when she put back her bottle of cooking oil. That's right, she had to choose between cooking her family dinner and reading up on the newest Tyler Perry piece of crap, and she ended up choosing the latter.

Thursday night I went to see Blindness, the new film by Fernando Merielles (City of God, The Constant Gardener), starring Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. Before the film, I read that the National Federation of the Blind (or something similar) was going planning on boycotting the film on the basis of it being offensive, as described by, get this, "some blind patrons who had seen it." First of all, you didn't "see" it, you heard it, and secondly, how many blind people actually go to movie theaters? It's like a deaf person going to a concert, or an amputee entering a swimming competition...there's really no point...then I saw the film. I won't actually review it, but let's just say I was squirming in my seat because of how bad it was, it actually made me envy the blind because they wouldn't have to remember seeing this horrendous "movie" as I did. If you watch this movie and enjoyed it, I'll think less of you as a person...which I'm considering making into a post on The Reel Truth sometime this month.

If you're reading this and wondering to yourself if you're a man or not, here's a quick guide that may help you answer that question.

Friday however, was a completely different story. In the morning after class, I had a weird conversation with some friends and it eventually got around to how we slept. We came to one conclusion, although they may lie about it in front of girls (So they can imagine them in that way), guys don't sleep naked. It's just something you don't do. Who wants their penis just hanging and flapping around at night? Also, sleeping naked deprives you of having a textile layer of protection between you and your bed if you have a wet dream. Messy boxers? 2min. fix and you're back asleep. Messy mattress? Either you find somewhere else to sleep and wash it the next day or you'd better get used to sleeping in your own cum. See? Not a pleasent experience, but a notable observation.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, grabbed some McDonalds (Chicken Nuggets) and went to Taylor's house. We chilled there with a couple of friends, watching The Office and talking about politics, religion and whatever else you're not "supposed" to talk about, and then headed off to the movie theater. We went and saw How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, which confirmed my previous allegations that Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox aren't attractive and can't act (MTV Movie Awards are already being made with their name on them), studios are idiots if they think that sticking Simon Pegg into a terrible American comedy will produce success and that Gillian Anderson is indeed, delicious and a good actress. Then we snuck into Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which was MUCH better, and even though Michael Cera is starting to get annoying by playing the same person in every movie, film makers refuse to use Kat Denning's 34 DDs to their advantage. We went to Denny's after that and ended up talking outside for over an hour, having pretty healthy conversations...and you know what they say about healthy conversations.

What could I possibly leave at the end of my 50th update that would ensure laughter? Oh wait, this:

Not laughing? Well you're an idiot, but have no fear, Jake and Amir are here: