Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 75

I don't think he gets it...it's funny because that dead guy was a better Joker than him...and he's STILL alive! Crazy!!

Lines of the Week: If they don't know about Santa, I don't think they should know about vaginas. -Some professors talking at North Texas University.

The Cubans are always hard to work with. That's why I call them the Rubix Cubans - In the Loop

So the first day of this semester began rather uneventful except for these two classes:

Child Growth and Development
Some of you may be wondering why I'm taking a class with that title. Well, aside from being a psychology nerd, I also have no knowledge of children and know enough of them to have noticed how clever and tricky they can sometimes be. Needless to say, I figured the best way to defend myself in the future is to know the best way to maim them psychologically for the rest of their lives...like Malcolm Tucker.
To start, I'm one of four guys in the full class, which means that every Tuesday and Thursday, I wake up to go sit with 26 girls and learn about how to "not" treat babies...sounds simple enough. Ya'll can have fun with your Drafting classes, I hope your UFC sausagefests are fun. At first, I thought I'd be getting a pretty normal and intelligent class since people who take this usually do so only because they want to...but I was wrong. First sign of mental retardation was some fat chick who asked the girls towards the end of the rows to lean forward a bit so she could "Squish by." Not "squeeze by," but "squish by." Naturally, I assumed this came from years of actually squishing people under her arm fat, but whatever, she's stupid and not remotely attractive so she can go get squished by a cement mixer for all I care. Then, as names were called to confirm we were all in the correct classroom, a girl named Maria told the professor that, naturally, she goes by the name of Titan...yeah, this class is definitely not getting dropped. Later, the professor used the saying "It's like trying to swallow an elephant!" Yeah, sometimes it's just too easy...

Aside from sitting behind a thug Kenny G., complete with homosexual undertones and increased dullness, I had the honor of sitting next to the class clown...otherwise known as the "funny" kid wearing the black/gray Superman beanie who picked his nose when he wasn't opening his dumb mouth. Then, my Indian professor dropped a bombshell of terrifying truth when said he got a C the first time he took Calculus because he would skip every Tue/Thurs class for his favorite TV show...which was none other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He then went on to say this exact quote "Man, that show got really bad fast, after a while." This is normally where I would ask if he meant "fast" or "a while" but I decided to let it slide. Why? Because I do a lot of things for movies, but I would never get a C in a class for one or even for a TV show. Which reminds me, if you're not watching 30 Rock and Community, you're missing out on the shit that makes me laugh so hard I have to pause the show until I'm done.

Do you have computer problems? Maybe the Compfather can help...

Does anyone know if Martin Luther King Day is a good enough reason to ask for a blow-job? No? Well, what if the girl is black? I'm pretty sure there's no way an interracial blow-job could do anything but help peace within different races. If every white guy got his dick sucked by a black chick, I'm pretty sure we'd forget about slavery next week. You can quote me on that.

There's already been a pretty good amount of people covering this local display of juvenile delinquency and public display of lack of morality and ethics, but I figured I'd post it because the Houston Press' writing is great and a student's quote is hilarious.

Have you ever built an X-Wing, a Y-Wing AND an A-Wing out of only pen caps? I have. Before you ask, the other S-Foil on the X-Wing is hidden behind the top one, so you can't see it. If you're nice about it, I might update the picture in my next update...but with an entire squadron...

So this conversation happened...
Her: You make me feel stupid sometimes.
Me: Well that's just because I'm a nerd. Who's pretentious...and I'm incredibly narcissistic, so I try to know as much as I can.
Her: But part of you doesn't seem like a nerd
Me: lol, what "part"?
Me: Aside from my penis?
Me: He doesn't count, he's a nerd too.
Her: hahha, your penis isn't a nerd
Me: It's VERY nerdy, when I have it my pants it's usually wearing glasses and reading w/one of those lights from Brookstone. Then, when I'm planning on taking it out, it changes and puts on contacts so you can't tell.

...and yes, this is how I talk in real life.

I also think a bit differently, here's a random example:
Most people will watch porn and be like "FUCKING! Fuck yeah, time to touch myself." I watch porn and think "Holy shit! Me and this guy could TOTALLY be penis doubles! Would a porn star need a penis double? What kind of things could a porn star sign up for that would be so dirty and unappealing that he would have to hire someone to be a penis double for them?...because I don't think I could any of that. I mean, I don't even like having sex with no socks...feet are disgusting."

If anyone knows a kid with one hand, I found a single kid-sized glove at work. Don't laugh, ok? Some kids in Africa would be lucky to have one glove...well, maybe not in Africa since it's hot there all the time. Plus, they have to worry about lions, evil black people with gold guns and aliens that eat cat food.

I've been campaigning for everyone to see Avatar in 3D while it's still in theaters and as a result, people have asked what my favorite part of the movie is. Well, my favorite part is how Sigourney Weaver's boobs go from average as a human to porn star as a Na'Vi... Wishful thinking by Senor Cameron, perhaps? Although I have no clue how he would want Weaver after having tasted Bigelow, it just seems like such a sexual downgrade.

RealD 3D glass are just like Ultra-thin Condoms apparently...

Sunday night, Twitter happened to have #doesntmeanyourblack as it's top trending topic...being in a funny mood, I decided to join the fun and ended up with this list of updates:
  • (1:29am) Just because you enjoy fucking white chicks more than others #doesntmeanyourblack
  • Just because you always get fired from jobs for "No good reason" #doesntmeanyourblack
  • Not knowing what Star Wars is #doesntmeanyourblack ....wait, nevermind, it totally does, haha.
  • Just because you've killed a white guy and enjoyed it #doesntmeanyourblack
  • Just because you hate white people #doesntmeanyourblack it just means you hate white people...and I think everyone's ok with that.
  • Just because you say "axe" instead of "ask," it #doesntmeanyourblack ...actually, yes, yes it does. My bad.
  • Just because you don't know who your child is or what they look like, it #doesntmeanyourblack ...or does it?
  • Just because you post racist comments b/c they're popular on Twitter, it #doesntmeanyourblack DAMN IT!
  • Just because you thought Precious was a local documentary #doesntmeanyourblack
  • Just because you saw The Hurt Locker and had no clue who Ralph Fiennes was #doesntmeanyourblack
  • Just because people always ram into you when it's night or dark, it #doesntmeanyourblack
  • (1:50am) Just because you're being blatantly stereotyped around the world and you're not smart enough to tell what's happening #doesntmeanyourblack

That's that then...until next month, here's the Top 100 Cheesiest Movie Lines:

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 74

They taste like your EYES!

Line of the Week: Have you ever been groped by two hott girls...with really big clits? - A gay friend of mine after trying, and failing, to take off my shirt while I was under much influence at a party.

I went to see The Hurt Locker, my #1 film of 2009, in theaters again, except this time with a vagina! I don't mean I had a friend who kept saying they should shoot hugs instead of bullets or a specific part of a dismembered victim of mine, I'm talking about some chick who let me pick an indie war drama over It's Complicated.

In case you don't know what It's Complicated is about allow me to explain with a simple plot synopsis:
A bunch of years ago, Old Guy 1 (Alec Baldwin) fucked this Old Woman (Meryl Streep), but after a while, he got rug burns and landed a moist teenager for a while until OW found out and boring stuff happened. Now they're both unhappy with being rich white people so they decide to ruin their reputation within their family, friends and all society and start throwing their almost-useless-but-completely-disgusting genitals at random areas of their life that therapy hasn't fixed yet. Enter Old Guy 2 (Steve Martin), who also hasn't seen many parts of his penis for so long there's permanent folds around it now. He wants to bang OW and here is the film's main conflict: Should the rich and white OW fuck the rich and white OG1 or the rich and white OG2? Here's a hint, she fucks both of them. Roll credits.

What's funny is that I actually took her out of It's Complicated about an hour before it ended so she could see THL with me, and the greatest part about that is that she said she was getting turned on by It's Complicated. Later, I said I kinda got turned on by THL which made me see how fucking different guys and chicks are. Guys get turned on by guns and explosions and girls get turned on by imagining a cold and still wet hot dog covered by used saran wrap entering two corn husks that are loosely tied together at both ends.

After the movie was over, I came to a realization that I REALLY need to pee. This may not be an important aspect of anyone's stories, except that the men's restrooms were out of order, most likely to all the junk food shits from all the nerds that went to see Sherlock Holmes that weekend. This means that I had to use the only kind of toilets I absolutely hate using unless I have to: The Public Family Restroom. I hate those restrooms for so many damn reasons. First of all, it always smells like shit because if you had to pick any restroom to take a massive dump in, of course you're going to pick the one with only one toilet. Secondly, they're always too small or the toilet is in a weird position to where you're looking at yourself in the mirror while you're shitting...have you ever seen your "push" face? It's ugly and the last thing you want to see while you're pushing out a massive turd is yourself sweaty and out-of-breath and kinda looking like you're crying. Thirdly, on top of the fecal smell, there's also the infamous baby/baby shit/talcum powder smell on top of it and it's just fucking weird and uncomfortable. Fourthly, because there's been kids in there, the parents think their kid is the shit and don't worry about the next person, meaning there's never enough toilet paper or paper towels. Fifthly, it just feels weird to have your bare-ass on the same place that a random kid could have had their bare-ass on not 5min before...think about that next time you're in one.

Am I the only one that occasionally likes to buy and use a toothpaste that's made for sensitive gums and then grab an old and really used toothbrush that has bristles labeled as "soft" and brush my teeth as hard as possible in hopes of making my gums bleed and see if I can get any money out of it? Didn't think so.

Some friends and I were sitting in the back of a theater before work and talking about how easy it is to get girls to send us naked pictures of themselves and how we never send anything back. It seems this is phenomenon that began with my crazy generation. We started joking around about how frat boys would probably grab a marker and draw on a 6-pack before they send a picture of their penis and whatnot when I came up with the best idea: send a girl a picture of your penis...while it's limp. It wouldn't surprise me if they'd look at the picture of the area consisting of shriveled up skin and curly hair and ask why you sent them a picture of Indian food...

If you don't have a Twitter account, you're stupid and silly and should tooooootally, like, get one, kay? If you do, then you should definitely follow one of the best Twitter's I've ever read: Man vs Zombies.

I'd like to take this time to send out a note to all the black people in the US:
Dear Blacks in America:

You can tip now. Slavery ended like 60yrs ago, and ya'll weren't even enslaved as long as the Jews, Mexicans or Egyptians were, so stop your fucking bitching. I'm not impressed and no one gives a shit. If anything, I'd say you've been a really shitty sport about the whole situation, maybe if black people were born with a sense of loyalty, you wouldn't have this problem. What's that? You don't know what I'm talking about because you failed out of public school? Allow me to learn ya something. Blacks were sold to the whites by, GASP, other blacks! That's right, not only were you betrayed by your own people, but by your own tribe/clan/family as well. Similarly, I can't believe that you also don't tip If you were more honest, hard-working, better people like Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman, this shit wouldn't happen. Thank you.

Love, Homero.

On Thursday morning I took my sister to the bus station for her birthday trip to Dallas, and as I walked out between two black guys, one of which looked like Snoop Dogg and the other kinda resembled a happier Ice Cube, I smelled the faint aroma of weed. I turned around to see Snoop lighting up a blunt...at 11 on a Thursday morning in the cold rain while there's an on-duty cop inside the bus station that just kicked out some black guy for being annoying or something. Say what you will about their general lack of intelligence, but black people are pretty fucking audacious.

After the dropping was finished, I decided to stop by my mom's work and grab some lunch with her and as I dropped her back off I saw a woman in sweats who looked like a plastic female version of Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and made a Botox joke to my mom who said words that I was not expecting: "Oh, that's the customer that was a guy, yeah, he had a sex change recently." I was speechless, not because someone chose to not want something as awesome as a penis dangle in front of them at all times, but that I was in the presence of someone with enough money to look god in the eye and say "Hey cunt-nugget, you fucked up. You're fucking lucky I'm fucking badass enough to fix your Dumb-niscient mistake." Fucking awesome.

Want proof that retards are the cause of sudden and major traffic? Read the last line...

I'll end with this: I'll end with this: Have you ever been working out around someone else and wondered if it could feel more uncomfortable? Well wonder no more because it is my honor to introduce to you: The Shake Weight.

Now in the Hand Job Edition!

Also comes in Gay!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 73

This is an image.

Lines of The Weeks: "What's black? Is black better than gold?" "Yeah. Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets, black involves three of them sucking your dick" -Sports agent from Eastbound & Down

There was a better kid's party up the street!! -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

Remixing Daft Punk is like writing fan fiction of The Bible. It’s risky business. -Some music blog

I went to Jack in the box the other day and decided to try something new and ended up having a horrible experience, you know that time once a year when just everything is wrong? The fries are bland, the coke is low on syrup, they only give you one napkin...what the fuck am I gonna do with the one napkin that's always in the middle of the bag that's soaked with grease? Nothing, you have to throw that shit away. Anyways, I ended up trying their chicken strips because I love the ones from Whataburger so I figured I'd give Jack and try. You wanna know what they give you with your chicken strips at Whataburger? Gravy! You wanna know what they give you at Jack in the box? Buttermilk homemade sauce or some shit. Buttermilk? This isn't fucking iHop, I want my goddamn gravy, Mr. Box.

You know what the worst part is, now you have to spend even MORE money later! Because if you're like me, and I'm sure ya'll are, if you have a shitty experience at a fast food place, you have to go back later to get that nasty shit out of your system. You know right off the back to, you try a little bit of everything and then you just look at the bag depressingly..."Well fuck, I wanted to eat with my family tonight but apparently I'm going to Jack in the Box again later..." Damn it.

A bird power-walked out of my way when I was on my way to my car the other day...no real joke here, well, aside from a power-walking bird that doesn't want to get in anyone's way.

When I was waiting in line to get into Best Buy for African-American Friday, a shopping cart caught on fire. I figured it was your regular run-of-the-mill shopping cart fire but everyone started freaking out and 4 different cops came. Usually it's the same 4 cops, but they really switched it up this time. That was the most eventful part of waiting in line to get some Blurays and you know what? It was worth it because I stopped by Half-Price Books afterwards and got myself $80 worth of books and movies as my friend and chauffeur was asked if he was at least 16...and he's actually 19. It was adorable how angry he got.

You can't say "no" to rape jokes...they won't let you. In fact, they won't leave you alone until they're done...making you laugh.

Avatar came out December 18th, so me and 3 other friends waited in line at our nearest IMAX 3D theater at 6pm on the 17th to watch it at midnight. There was us, then some black people, two fat guys, some older folks and then a bunch of nerds who brought Risk or some sort of game that probably delt with both troops and mana. Oh, and there was also some big guy with a sweater-vest, and let me assure you that there's NOTHING funny about that.

So Brittany Murphy Died. Her 43 fans had a memorial a week ago I think, but I'm not sure, the newspaper article was written at the last second in pencil and I couldn't read it all that well. After I found out, I posted on this on Twitter: Of all the celebrities, Brittany Murphy is the one to die? Why not Kristin Kreuk or Jennifer Lopez?! Damn it, maybe next time...

First of all, I didn't know Kristin Kreuk had so many fans, I guess it's true that retarded people tend to congregate. Secondly, people make no sense. Does anyone really care that someone, who has never done a movie that's really THAT funny or even THAT good in their life, died? Not me. Get the fuck over it. God forbid another talentless and forgettable celebrity dies at a young age because of drugs or other responsibility issues.

I know you've been waiting, and here's a new term to add to my word list:
Snooked - This is a great word to use when you suddenly get screwed over or something shitty/unpleasant happens to you without warning. "Oh shit! That guy just got fucking SNOOKED!"

A girl was wasted at a party a couple weeks ago and at around 3:30am decided to pull out her phone and exclaim "Oh man, it is not a good idea to talk to your dad when you're feeling not great!" She's not too smart or good looking but whatever, this is free entertainment mofos! Anyways, she got a drunken dicking later and I'm pretty sure that fixed her up real good-like.

My manager at work was talking about how awesome it would be to be back in the days of robin hood after seeing the the trailer for Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. I took this a serious statement and immediately agreed and said "Oh man, and not just for the pillaging and raping!" This made all my male coworkers turn around and join in on the conversation, eventually ending at this monologue:
"What're you talking about? If you're going to pillage and shit, you might as well rape women too. It's not like burning someone's house down when they own enough things to buy them all at the speedy checkout at H-E-B is going to do any real damage to them, you might as well just throw paint on their fur coats and giggle. If you're going to create a fear that will allow you easier conquest, you follow the rule of Keyser Soze and hold nothing back. I mean, you job is to basically make their life shit as fast as possible while getting the most out of it for you, so take some pride in that shit and get it done RIGHT.
Say you burn down their house and they get it all back from the insurance because they had Pillage-Proofed their home, and then a few weeks later, they get raped. When they describe to people how the worst day of their life went, they're probably going to go with the physically and emotionally non consensual pain instead of their temporary demotion from a homeowner.
If you want to really fuck them over, you need to literally fuck them. If you're already burning down their life, you might as well rape them and give them the worst experience they could ever imagine. Think about it, later in the future, they'll probably even be stronger people because of it! You don't want to be known for being the guy who burned and pillaged the Canadians of that time period, you want to be the guy who raped the American Superpower. Now THAT will get you laid...consensually this time."

Oh, and in case you care(You should), here's my official list of the Top 10 films of 2009:
1. The Hurt Locker
2. In the Loop
3. Avatar
4. Fish Tank
5. Inglourious Basterds
6. Up in the Air
7. (500) Days of Summer
8. A Serious Man
9. Observe & Report
10. Up

Here's a promo for Louis C.K.'s new show that will be premiering FX...after watching this video three times, all I can say is that I LOVE stand up comics. Best motherfuckers in the world:

Oh, and next time you want to send a dick-pic to some broad, give it a ponder: