Monday, August 25, 2008

Day 45

Watch that and laugh gleefully...or just click on it...

Line of the Week: If you trust in God, he'll give you shoes... -Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Last week, I went to visit my grandfather in the hospital and I had the honor of receiving nothing but green lights all the way, until the second-to-last light. As luck would have it, there was someone selling newspapers at the intersection. This wasn't your regular, everyday-run-of-the-mill type bum, no, no, this was a seemingly normal looking Asian lady, selling newspapers out of a plastic bag. This immediately threw me off guard, so when she began to approach the cars in front of me, I started to get a bit agitated and tried to avoid eye contact. Just as this happened, she looked at me straight in the eyes and didn't even bother coming up to my car, and simply went to the vehicle next to this point, two things crossed my mind.
  1. Did that hobo just discriminated against me because of my youth? Why does she automatically assume that just because I'm young I won't give her the time of day?
  2. Thank god she didn't come to me because I wouldn't have even known how to turn her down...especially since I don't have the money, nor the empathy, to deal with her right now.
Like I said though, I was on my way to the hospital. I get there and start walking towards the building and begin to count all the empty beer cans in the parking lot. Yeah, I counted 8 empty beer cans from where I parked to the hospital entrance. Who the hell is drinking in a hospital parking lot? Jesus...the worst part is that only two of those people had the decency to put the tall boy in a brown paper bag, the rest weren't even crushed, they were just thrown about like it was nothing...what's the world coming to?

Anyways, so I finally get inside the hospital and when I get into the elevator, I kind of relax thankful for a second because I'm the only one in it, until it opens up on the second floor. Then two doctors and a couple random people walk in, with everyone in the middle of the elevator and me and a female doctor with our backs against the wall towards the door. She's reading some patient's chart and as I glance at her I notice that I can actually see down her "coat" and into her bra, like, I could check her for breat cancer (If I was that nice). The simple fact that I totally just checked out a female doctor's right breast dawns on me and causes me to smile slightly and almost giggle because, let's face it, it's hilarious. I end up supressing it pretty well until I get up to my floor and then burst out laughing. Such a great way to kick off a hospital run...and in case you're wondering, 7/10 (They could be fuller [more full? {What kind of brackets do I use after these?}] ).

Because some of you were wondering, my nightmares look like this...jealous?

As much as I'd expect for this to be filed under obvious racism, as most of you will undoubtedly do, I saw a black guy that looked EXACTLY like Samuel L. Jackson this week. I was walking out of Walgreens and there he was, sitting in his car (On the dock of the bay?), just talking on his cell phone. I would've taken a picture if I didn't think it would be grounds for a police report...although now that I think about it, would a black guy voluntarily call the cops?

I had an appointment on Friday morning and while I was in the waiting room...waiting, an older lady sat down, which I only took a note of when I noticed she had a mustache. I immediately began texting friends to let them know of my current situation and that I couldn't stop neither looking at it, nor chuckling silently to myself. One of my friends texted back "Hahaha, poor woman"...ummm, no. No "poor woman", I'm the one who has to fucking look at it. Hell, I'm one of the MANY people that has to go through life knowing and remembering what we just saw, and I wouldn't mention it if it was something small but this was something that looked like it belonged in the female remake of Magnum P.I.

The Summer Olympics ended yesterday, which means we can now wait a couple more years for the good ones. That's right, fuck the summer Olympics, the winter Olympics are so much better it can't even be expressed in words, only emotions, which I cannot show at the request of my lawyers. It's simple logic, the winter Olympics are better because they're riskier and you have to deal with things that are out of your control, whereas the summer Olympics it's just you and maybe someone else that might trip you, although that's extremely unlikely. Plus, it'll give the Chinese a chance to stop showing off their ridiculous spending abilities. Judging by the amount of fireworks they let off last night, I don't think China has seen Al Gore's, An Inconvenient Truth, yet. They should probably get on that because that little show they put on, probably knocked off a couple thousand years off the planet.

Today was kicked off by waking up at 7:30am to ring in the new semester of school...which I admittedly, was kind of looking forward to. After my first class, however, maybe not so much...

History 1302
It started off innocently enough, sitting next to the only cute chick and being one of three people who read books and don't look like they masturbate to the Twilight trailer all day long. Then it happened...a black chick walked past me and sat down behind me, but that wasn't what was so significant about it. What got me was that she smelled fucking HORRIBLE, like, nothing but B.O., concentrated sweat and poverty. Not only was it so horrendous that I could smell her before I touch her, but it caused me to see something I had never seen outside of cartoons...she had flies following her. Yeah, that's how fucking bad it was, I counted two flies, one of which passed by my head and the other hovered around her right shoulder. It was fucking ridiculous. All that aside, the class seems like it's going to be tolerable, the professor is German and started off by saying that he teaches three history classes, one of which was Nazi Germany in The Holocaust...a holocaust joke not 5 minutes into the class? This sounds like my kinda guy! Aside from that, nothing really interesting happened except when everyone was introducing themselves, one fat fuck wearing a t-shirt that read "school and work bad, video games good" simply ignored it, gave a hand signal to pass him and grunted no while he drew some anime shit on his syllabus...if you're wondering, yes...god hates him.

Music Appreciation
This class started off pretty well, playing Bob Marley as we walked in, but the classroom was dark with only a picture of the legend himself on the screen and ended up sitting between a fat Indian chick and a fat Mexican chick...touche god...touche... Then we talked about music and what we thought about it and what it means; I'll give you a hint: Whatever you want it to mean. Then we watched a video of various classical compositions that was actually pretty interesting and made me want to watch A Clockwork Orange, but I can't because Nate has yet to return it to me...those fucking Thai bastards and their dog-eating, rights-stealing, DVD-holding and Tony-Jaa-is-a-badass ways!!

I'll end with this clip from one of my new favorite television shows, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Monday, August 18, 2008

Day 44

I can't look at that without laughing

Line of the Week: As far as reactions go, cunt is just the pussy version of nigger.

To be honest, I haven't really been doing much as of late besides watch The Olympics all day long. This shit is addicting and it figures that they would put the stuff I really love watching like Gymnastics, Women's Volleyball(Kerry Walsh and Misty Mays!) and Diving at the beginning to get me hooked, so lets talk about that.

The gymnasts this year have been all over the place, with China taking most of the medals. The Chinese gymnasts are soo small; they're adorable. It almost makes you want to start an international corporation so you could own a sweat shop full of them! If only...

On the opposite side though, Norway's Women's Beach Volleyball team is fucking ugly. Every girl I've ever met from Norway has been at LEAST a 6.5, but those chicks are like 4.5s at best, and that means the cons outweigh the pros...what the fuck?. Maybe Norway should stick to models and winter sports. Belgium however, really raised the bar in the looks department...yummy.

I went to Jack in the Box sometime this week and I ednde up going through the drive-thru, getting stuck behind a white car with not one, not two, but three fat fucks in it. I was going to assume they were ordering for their family back home, but I guess that's just my optimism showing...

Anyways, so they pay and they get there food and instead of moving, they all start looking around, talking to eachother and then tell the Jack in the Box employee for something. A moment later, some guy who works there comes outside and begins to push the car. That's right folks, these three, count 'em, one, two and three, fat motherfuckers were too fat and lazy to get out of their own car and push it. Instead, they opted to ask an employee, who's actually doing his fucking job mind you, to come outside and push 500 pounds of ugly...and the car. This is why people like me should own flamethrowers, RPGs and shotguns...I'll take care of this obesity problem REAL quick.

I wentt to Memorial Mall and didn't find out it why it was so packed until I got inside and I realized it was Tax Free Weekend. At this point, I'm reaching in my pocket to make sure I have something sharp to defend myself against those people; I'll let you fill in that blank with whatever helps you sleep at night. I'm not saying that there were too many people who needed to focus more on the amount of textiles used in making their clothes than the amount of clothes they had, but that maybe there really needs to be a weight limit to get into a fucking mall. I couldn't even walk straight for two reasons, 1) Fat people couldn't "step lively" if there lives depended on it and 2) they are apparently just getting wider, taking me, and I counted, at least three extra steps to get around them. That's three more steps I need to take, just to move around these beached whales we've got rolling around.

Similarly, I propose a new law. There should be a limit to the amount of materials used to make swim suits, tank tops and other summer-related and revealing clothing. That means no XL, XXL or more, you're either a small, medium or a large and that's it. If you don't fit in the clothes created then it's a sweater and fat pants for you, at least until you sweat that weight off or die from heat exhaustion. Fucking fatties make me mad....I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!

I'll (angrily) leave you with one of the coolest and most realistic home made videos I've ever seen:

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Olympics Update!!

You know the new scoring for gymnastics?

Fuck it, and fuck the guy who approved it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Day 43

Fucking fat people always ruining everything...THEY'RE they cause of all wars...

Line of the week: Oh shit. You're not who I thought you were -Carla, during the most hilarious night I've had in a long time

If you don't get the line of the week, you REALLY missed out, haha.

Umm...I wanna give a shout out to the awesome readers from across the pond and Allen's friends that actually read this thing because without you, I wouldn't know that London and Jersey Village have internet access.

Starting again with the film stuff, I'm actually thinking about starting up a separate blog to put all my serious movie-related stuff. If I did, I'd have a LOT more movie stuff to post and would only put move-related ramblings on here if it was funny. If you think I should, or think I shouldn't or you simply don't care, let me know!!

I saw two movies this week; one blew my mind and the other didn't blow my expectations like I thought it would.

Paris, Je T'aime, is one the best movie, nay, film I have seen in a long time. It's a series of short films that were filmed in the 20 arrondissements in Paris, each one shot by different directors including The Coen Bros., Gerard Depardieu, Alexander Payne and Christopher Doyle. It features actors like Steve Buscemi, Bob Hoskins, Nick Nolte, Emily Mortimer, Elijah Wood, Olga Kurylenko, Natalie Portman and Maggie Gylenhaal. Each story has it's own feel to it and is done fantastically. Some are romantic, some are comedic and some are inspiring, but they are all done perfectly. You MUST see this movie, 9.5/10.

I also saw Pineapple Express and wrote a review on Paintballscene that I would post here but it would probably make this entry way too long, so I'll just link to it.

If you don't want to read through all that, just know that I gave it a 7.5/10 and said you should see it, especially if you're high; you'll appreciate it more.

I finished up summer school last week on Monday, it was supposed to be Tuesday but the tropical storm that was supposed to hit us caused for class to be canceled. On Tuesday I had to turn in the final report that was like 13 pages long. I had to do a Feasibility Report on solutions to a problem/topic of my choice. After a couple days of thinking about it, I decided to do it on Childhood Obesity. When I presented the topic to my professor, the following conversation occurred:

Me: Here's my topic...
Professor: Oh, Childhood Obesity, that's interesting.
Me: Yeah, I figured it'd be good.
Prof: You know, a lot of elementary schools have fitness finals that students must be able to physically pass to make it to the next grade, maybe you could use that.
Me: Yeah, I'll look into that
Prof: So is this a problem you used to have as a child or has your family been affected by it in some way?
Me: Oh, haha, no, not at all. I just hate fat kids you know? Aack. I just want to find out some ways to get rid of them.
Prof: .......

Afterwards, I explained to her that I was joking and that it was a completely random topic that would be easiest to research. I guess not everyone is as funny as me.

Here's an interesting little event that happened last week. You see, my sister clogged up the toilet on Tuesday and boy did she clog that motherfucker. It was tighter than a baby's vagina, with nothing but pee, feces and toilet paper. She tells me to get a bag, so I go upstairs and as i get there she flushes the toilet which causes a bunch of multi-colored liquid to trickle out. She goes off running out of the bathroom to tell our parents while I jump in the tub, remove the toilet plumbing cover and grab the pump to stop the water from flowing. My dad comes and starts mopping the floor and after a couple minutes, everything is restored to normal.

Afterwards, I made sure to sing "What's new, poopy cat" as I walked by my sister, and made sure to give her the recognition she deserved. You see, I've clogged up the toilets at my house like 8 times, but never have I clogged them so bad that they overflowed, so with that in mind, I give. My sister wins and I admit defeat. Later, as we're sitting down talking about what just happened, my dad throws me a bottle of rubbing alcohol and tells me to wipe my feet with it. I tell him that I'm a healthy 20-year old with the immune system strong enough to where I could drink liquid Polio and Hep-C and make it come out like Natural Spring Water. At this point he tells me "Yeah but there was poop, if it had only been JUST pee".

The 2008 Summer Olympics started up on Friday and they have been going full force. The Inauguration and Opening Ceremony blew me away. They took what's usually only a few minutes of visual displays and turned it into the most amazing 40-50 minute masterpiece...yes, a fucking masterpiece. After that whole visual and artistic orgasm, the March of Nations began and I am pleased to report that the following nations have hott chicks: Turkmenistan, Yemen, Marshal Islands and Israel. I would mention the obvious ones like England, Germany, Finland, Denmark, Norway and USA, but like I said, those are obvious ones.

The film that has been talked about the most since the release of The Dark Knight is none other than Tropic Thunder. There has been a bunch of hype and reactions regarding the contents of the film with the most prominent being Robert Downey Jr. as a method actor in blackface makeup. This isn't the only point that has been disputed however, as Ben Stiller's portrayal of Tugg Speedman in a trailer for the fake film, Simple Jack, where he plays the most stereotypical retard ever.

This event has caught the attention of veteran journalist Patricia Bauer, which was explained in an article by Film School Rejects. It basically states that it's too insensitive towards retarded or "Mentally Handicapped" people, if you can call them that. That in mind, I actually agree with her. Not so much that his portrayal of a retarded person is offensive, but that retarded people will actually be offended, rather than laugh, when they see the film. I agree with this because the retards will actually be, coincidentally, too retarded to get the joke.

On a similar and more recent note, it was also reported by First Showing that the film will be boycotted by disabilities groups. Yeah, at first I thought it was going to cause some bad publicity and force some censorship but then I got to thinking about it. You know what this means? NO HANDICAPPED PEOPLE WILL BE USING THEIR PARKING SPOTS!! This means that when I go see Tropic Thunder this week, I can park in the cripples' parking spots and if a cop says anything, all I have to do it print out the article and show it to him. There IS a God and he hates cripples!

While I was on my way to Ryan's party on Saturday night (FUCKING RIDICULOUS), my sister called me and asked me how to get to a club called Rich's. After the call I started thinking, why the hell do you want to go to Rich's? Also, you're 17 and fat, how the fuck are you gonna even get in?...I'm the best brother self-esteem, or lack thereof, can buy.

I'll leave you with this, Bernie Mac died on Saturday...which means he's the first black person I've ever heard of, to die of natural causes. Badum-TISH!!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Day 42

Words are pointless here...

Line of the Week: Our love is like the border between Greece and Albania -Some song on Weeds

Alright, I've got a shitload of movie news this entry. I'm gonna throw all the good movie trailers at you so you can watch 'em later or whatever, and then I'll get to talking about some weird trailers I've seen and then get to the usual random shit everyone seems to like.

Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, on the right I put a section where I tell you guys what movies are the best this year (According to me and Roger Ebert) and which movies sucked, albiet there will always be some really sucky movies missing because the truth is there are more bad movies released than good ones in any given year. Also, I'll put the release dates for films that are coming up that look like they're worth watching, and if you want to know how good they are, well, that's what that little comment button at the bottom of each entry is for.

Here are some films that are coming out before the end of the year that will either have an Oscar nomination or critical praise going for them. They all look equally fascinating and I highly doubt any feelings of regret will come over me after seeing these films, unlike Indiana Jones 4 and Hancock...fuckers. Without further ado, here they are:
  • Battle in Seattle - A fantastic ensemble cast, with Charlize Theron thrown in there to make people forget she was in Hancock, that relives the protests to the WTO Meeting in Seattle in 1999.
  • Rachel Getting Married - The delicious Anne Hathaway plays a druggie just out of rehab, during the ceremonies for her sister's marriage. Add one of the most dysfunctional families since Little Miss Sunshine and you've got a pretty damn good movie, with what looks like a fantastic performance from Hathaway.
  • Choke - This one's a comedy, starring Zaphod, and looks like it's going to be a really funny and mildly quirky film.
  • The Brothers Bloom - This is basically an action comedy like that of The Italian Job, but with a more indie feel to it, on account of the variety of actors, Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, Rinko Kikuchi and Mark Ruffalo.
  • Role Models - Looks to be a fun comedy with Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd, along with some crazy kids. The trailer looks alright, but it's the cast that really sold me.
On a similar note, I recently watched the trailer for The Band's Visit, (An indie flick released in February that I happen to have missed) and it tripped me the fuck out. It starts off with the guys speaking in either Hebrew or Arabic with English subtitles, and then it goes to them speaking in English...with English subtitles. I literally thought I had the ability to understand Hebrew/Arabic for like a good 20 seconds...haha.

Then, I found out Disney had just released the first trailer to their new movie, that is FINALLY back to drawn animation. It's called The Princess and the Frog (How original) and you can watch the trailer by utilizing the clicking-feature located on your mouse, on these words.

The first thing I thought when I saw it was "Why the fuck is she black?". I didn't mean it in a skin color aspect, I meant it in a "Why does she have a stereotypical black woman accent-that-you'd-only-find-in-Barbershop-or-Friday-movies?" It seemed like with all the allegations that Disney puts subliminal messages in their movies, that they'd try to be more careful with how they managed their upcoming projects...I guess not. However, that's not the worst part you see, because not only do they have it set in New fucking Orleans, she's also a fucking servant!

Hmm...a black princess that talks like she's from Atlanta...who's a New Orleans. You get it? Why don't they just give her an afro and have her win a tiara in a breakdance battle, to which she can celebrate with Grape soda, Fried Chicken, Waffles and for desert; enough Watermelon to shut down crime for a week.

I don't care what you say, you CANNOT taste all 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper. Fuck you Pepper, where did you get you doctorate degree from? Texas State? Fuck off.

Say what you will about Rob Zombie and his inability to make any great movies, but you MUST goddamn recognize the perfection that he has shown in making some of the most badass posters I've ever seen. They're so good, in fact, that I'm just gonna post them here:

Simply badass...they should hire him to do every poster for a Quentin Tarantino movie...hell, even romantic comedies should have some ass-kicking, angst-filled posters.

Angelina Jolie has been rumored to want to play Catwoman in the next Batman...

...yeah...let that shit sink in.

I don’t know what I’m more against; Catwoman in Nolan’s Batman, or even considering Jolie to play the character. It sounds like a shitty ending to a damn good series. Angelina Jolie is a VERY limited actress, and is always given the benefit of the doubt because of her curves. The optimal storyline for the next film would include The Riddler played by a method actor/David Tennant. Either that or maybe Black Face, since he’s equally as dark as The Joker.

Catwoman? Angelina Jolie? Why don’t you have the Mad Hatter played by Troy Verner, or Clay Face played by a tall fat kid with Downs Syndrome, or maybe even Bane played by John Goodman…Jesus Christ this is fucking stupid.

I went to fill my car up on Thursday, and as I pull into the gas station I see this girl kind of skipping/running to the Sonic, which is next door. The weirdest part was that a truck was following her closely, which was odd because she had to be at least 17 or so. As I drive by the truck I see, what I presume to be, her parents, smiling as they look at her. Then something went off in my head and as I turn around to confirm my immediate suspicion, I notice how the girl is running and realize, she's retarded! I don't mean retarded as in stupid or in a derogatory way, I mean it was in "mentally handicapped". I start laughing so hard that I almost drove straight into the damn gas pump, after I park and my laughing settles I start to pump the gas and as I stand there waiting, I realize that I just saw a retarded girl running while he parents followed, and proceed to laugh so hard, again, that I have to lean on my car to keep me from falling. Thursdays are great aren't they?

Best. Valedictorian Nomination Speech. Ever.

The following day I went to the bank because I had to cash a check my parents left me and as I walk inside I notice a decent looking Indian chick. I get in the line and as luck would have it, she's the one that that gets to, umm, service me. I'm doing some polite small talk with a couple jokes and as she's finishing up I decide to ask for her number, and wouldn't you know it, she says no. Now getting rejected by girls is something that happens to every guy and it doesn't really phase me, but I can't remember when I was ever rejected in getting a girl's number. Sex, yes. Third date, yes. Fisting, yes (Though it stops most guys, it simply makes me more ruthless). But a phone number? Hell no, I mean, if you can't even get a girl's number, well, you can only do so much with two hands...

As I thought about it though, what did I really lose? She's probably Muslim which means if I were to date her I'd have the great honor of going with her to forced (arranged?) weddings that have no alcohol. Also, if I were to marry her, what family business could they own that I could inherit, aside from selling blueprints of really large buildings? Oh well.

I'll leave you with Bob $tencil's Comic-Con Coverage, presented to you via

Until next week: Bros before Hos...