Thursday, February 28, 2008

Day 19

I would do it, and I know you would too...

Line of the week: halfrican -Julie Banderas on Obama's ethnicity.

Let's start this on the right foot, shall we? On Wednesday, I bought George *fucking* Carlin tickets, about $60 a pop, but definitely worth it to see the genius that has influenced me so much. The show isn't until April 11th and I'm already fucking excited...March is going to be the longest fucking month of my life.

However, in an ironic twist of luck, that same day I woke up ridiculously late, with only 3 hours of sleep, and still had to shower, eat something and print out my homework with my class beginning in less than thirty minutes. I end up leaving my house around the time the class began and after hitting every red light possible, finally made it in...only to realize that were weren't doing ANYTHING, goddamn it. Immediately after the class, I had to go back home to take my sister to school since she also woke up late, but when I got to the house, she had already left with someone else and failed to call me. Fuck you irony...and wipe that smug look off your face.

After History, I went back home and treated myself to some Jack-In-The-Box for lunch, and in case you're wondering, yes, the fucking bitch fucked up my order worse than any other time I've ever experienced. If someone could please tell what the difference is between Diet Dr. Pepper and Pepto Bismol aside from the sugar content, please, I'm all ears because that shit tastes like cold vomit. Of course I didn't notice this until I got back home, so I had to go all the way back, get the new burger and drink, and finally come back to eat in peace. Well, at least until my next class.

I don't get why my ass decides to turn into a expulsion center for deadly gases every time I don't get enough sleep. As if staying awake during a lecture about women's inequality during the 1700s wasn't difficult enough, I've gotta fucking worry about farts that can cause the desertification of my immediate area too? I'm going to beat the shit out of the Gods of Irony when I die...and it's not going to be pretty.

Here's my Wednesday (Short Version):
  • -1 Three hours of sleep
  • -1 Wake up late
  • -1 Sister's "mistake"
  • -2 Jack-In-The-Box fuck up
  • -1 Radioactive Ass
  • +10 George Carlin Tickets
Total: +4 = Good day...

Oh, and on Tuesday I parked my car incredibly close to the building where I was having class so I could get out fast. However, because it was one set of rows over from where I usually park, I ended up walking around for SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES trying to find it. Damn it.

I honestly believe that these two were meant for each other:

I always think about the things I would put in my house if I was ridiculously rich, and when I first saw this, I knew that a Book Staircase was the thing for me. It looks so clean and is one of the best ideas I've seen in a long time. Definitely a must-buy.

As many people know, I love comedy more than anything else. I've been writing jokes and various comedic musings since the latter part of middle school. While I was checking out the upcoming shows at the three prominent comedy clubs in Houston, I noticed that the Laff Stop is having a comedy class taught by a local comedian, Rob Mungles. A couple days ago, I called and decided I want in, so this Monday I'm going to go check out the Open Mic, see how everything is, and sign up. Hell, if I can get a decent 10-15 minutes of material written up by then, I might even try it out, but that depends on the amount of homework I get thrown this weekend. The classes begin the following weekend, March 8th, and at the end, we get 20 passes to give to friends or sell at face value for a final showcase. Pretty exciting stuff; hopefully I can get some good material that would make George Carlin or Bill Hicks proud.

A couple of Ryan's friends, who I met at that insane Halloween party I think, started a blog where they review and critique various nouns as they see fit. Think Maddox meets a Film Critic in an Applebees. Go check it out.

Any day I have clear urine is a good day, end of story.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Interview with Jesus upon his second coming.

I turned 20 on Saturday and not much has changed; I'm still funnier than everyone reading this, I can't drink legally here in the states and I can go to jail for looking at a high schooler the wrong way.

Because the weekend sounds boring on paper, I wrote up another article, although this one being mostly an interview I whipped up a couple weeks ago. I haven't actually read it over, but I assume that it's both hilarious and blasphemous to the fullest extent.

Jesus: Ahh...feels good to be back...
Random Christian: Oh my-Jesus Christ!
J: Hey, what the hell did I tell you and everyone else about using my name in vain?
RC: Uh, I wasn't using it vain-I mean, there's no vain here. I was using it as your name, because, it's you!!
J: Look, I know who I am, ok? You'd better not be calling me a liar...
RC: I'm not, I'm just explaining why I said your name, you know, not in vain.
J: Alright alright fine...but that's not my name anymore. Try it again.
RC: Umm...Jesus Christ, the Son of God?
J: Nope, come on...I know you know...and believe me, I know you know better than you know yourself.
RC: ummm....
J: Jesus, I disappear for a few thousand years, leave my detailed instruction manual and you still don't know my proper title? Why do I even bother with you idiots?
RC: No, I know it...but just so you know, you said your own name in vain...
J: Quit stalling, I can say whatever I want, I died for your sins remember?
RC: Oh yeah; my bad. Ok, I think I've got it.
J: Alright, you'd better get it right.
RC: Ok, here goes: Our Savior Jesus Christ!
J: Nice...but wrong. It's MR. Savior Jesus Christ to you. You need to learn some respect.
RC: Alright, alright, sorry. Nobody's perfect you know...
J: Ahem...
RC: Ugh, yeah, sorry...
RC: Ok, I will, sor-
J: Finish that sentence and you will regret it for all eternity...literally.
RC: Alright, my bad.
J: AGH! At least it's better than hearing you say 'sorry' again
RC: So what took you so long to come back?
J: HEY, I've got shit to do ok? If I didn't keep busy, my dad would just force me to check on the other galaxies and whatnot, they're sooooo boring, everyone fights other planets for logical reasons. Ya'll are interesting though, you fight each other for no tangible reason and say you're doing it to defend my dad's honor or whatever...HILARIOUS! By the way, I'll be asking the questions around here - you know, if that's alright with you.
RC: Fine...
J: Good. But yeah, like I was saying; I mean, you kill things for no reason, try to get people to like me and my dad instead of just leaving them alone and only thank us when something good happens. Come to think of it, ya'll are assholes too...luckily, ya'll were one of our first species, aside from dinosaurs, and yes, you did evolve from them.
RC: Really??! The Bible doesn't say anything about 'em.
J: That's because most of you think we made dinosaur fossils to "test your faith" in us, which is almost as idiotic as those people who kill in our name when we specifically said "Thou Shall Not Kill". All the gods had a meeting a while back and we decided that anyone that kills, for whatever reason, is going to hell. End of story.
RC: What about that Buddhist Monk who burned himself alive? Isn't suicide technically killing yourself?
J: Yeah, but it's your life, you can end it whenever. Besides, he lived his whole life for Buddha, so one sin that didn't directly effect anyone else but him, and isn't going to screw him over. I actually talked to him and Buddha like 3 weeks ago, they're BFFs, they text eachother all the time, play Twister and pants everyone. They got me last week; they're soo sneaky.
RC: Haha, that's crazy. Wait, Oh all the soldiers in every war are going to hell and whatnot?
J: Yeah...from both sides, because we don't play favorites. We had a talk with Buddha, Yaweh and everyone and we decided that anyone who kills, regardless of the reason, are going to hell or whatever substitute they believe in.
RC: That's a bit harsh, don't you think?
J: Why, did you kill someone?
RC: Well no...but I did go hunting with some friends and we just put the buck on their wall...that's not bad, right?
J: Oh, no, not at all........of course it is you idiot. You didn't need to kill it, so you're definitely fucked.
RC: Is there anything I can do?
J: depends how much money or time you gave to the church. Once we saw the percentage of people who had broken at least one of the commandments on Wikipedia, we decided to let people buy themselves into Heaven assuming they spent at least 40% of their time/money directly to the church. Non-profit organizations don't count by the way.
RC: Oh well, luckily, I became a born-again christian around high-school time and stopped sinning after that.
J: OK, first of all, everyone is sick of you calling yourself a "born-again christian", it's fucking retarded. You weren't born-again...that's impossible-even for my dad-since born literally means the beginning of life. I'm the only person who can do that. Call yourselves "Slow Christians" or "Finally-Figured-it-Out Christians" ok?
RC: Fine. So what now, aren't you going to send everyone bad into eternal damnation or something?
J: What?! Oh god, no! Why would I do that?! That's horrible!
RC: Well isn't that what ya'll said would happen?
J: Yeah, but not for everyone, only for Christians.
RC: Well how does that work?
J: Anyone that claims they're a Christian of any kind and hasn't adhered to the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights goes under with Lucy.
RC: Lucy?
J: Yeah, Lucifer's nickname for the time-being. We were playing strip-poker and he was the first one out, he's been getting so much fast food lately that he has man-boobs so we call him Lucy now.
RC: Oic...
J: HEY! None of that AIM shit, we made England be very strict about the language
with Oxford and just for that reason.
RC: Ok, woah, calm down. 'Oh I see'
J: I'll let that one slide for now, but next time do it without a tone, got it?
RC: Yes sir...
J: Yes sir-what?
RC: Yes sir, Mr. Savior Jesus Christ Sir...
J: Much better, now where was I? Oh yeah, so like I said, if you tell people you're Christian and you sin, you're pretty much screwed.
RC: What about the Atheists who don't believe in you, the Jews who killed you, or all the other religions who challenge your existance?
J: Oh them? They're humans, like you, what do they know? Besides, why am I going to punish people that I have nothing to do with?
RC: Well, because they don't believe in you...and uhhhh...
J: HA! You don't have a good reason. We all made a unanimous decision to only decide the fates of those who belong to us.
RC: So the Atheists, Scientologists and all the other non-Christians aren't effected?
J: Of course not, Atheists die and come back again in an alternate universe. Christians go to Heaven/Hell, etc.
RC: Well that makes sense I guess.
J: You bet it does. Anyways, I reckon I should stop delaying the inevitable, I've got work to do.
RC: What about me? Am I getting saved or not? Wait don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise...actually. Yeah, ok, tell me, I'm ready.
J: Yeah...looks like you didn't make it.
RC: What?! Why?
J: HAHA, I'm kidding, you're in.
RC: Oh, haha, good one. AHH! This is awesome, I'm siked! Maybe we ca-
J: NO! We are NOT going to wear matching robes. Just forget it, ok? No toga parties either, so don't even start.
RC: Fine...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Day 18

I don't call it The Greater Truth for lies here.

Line of the week: What else is on my mind-grapes?! -Tracy on 30 Rock

Is it too obvious to say that Hollywood's lack of originality is really beginning to show? How many movies in the past 10 years, aside from Cloverfield and Superbad, haven't begun or ended with text that says something along the lines of "Based on-"? Whether it be a true story, a toy line, television series, video game, or comic book lets face it, the quality of movies in has been steadily declining.

Superbad, Juno and Bee Movie were the funniest most original films of 2007, with Bee Movie being the most intelligent comedy since Mel Brooks' last film. In retrospect however, what did I really have to choose from? These are the comedy movies of last year:
  • Are we Done Yet?
  • Balls of Fury
  • Bee Movie
  • Blades of Glory
  • Bratz
  • The Brothers Solomon
  • Car Babes
  • Code Name: The Cleaner
  • The Comebacks
  • Daddy Day Camp
  • Delta Farce
  • Epic Movie
  • Evan Almighty
  • Fred Clause
  • Good Luck Chuck
  • Hot Rod
  • I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
  • Juno
  • Knocked Up
  • Mama's Boy
  • Norbit
  • The Simpsons Movie
  • Superbad
  • Walk Hard
  • Who's Your Caddy?
Aside from the three I mentioned, the rest are just $50 Million failures hiding in a production of empty laughs and uneducated amusement. Oh well, after such a bad year of comedy, 2008 can only go up right? I mean, we started off right didn't we? Wait...hold on, let me check...Strange Wilderness? Goddamn it.

Anyways, I bring this up because I recently came across an article explaining that Hasbro, aside from Transformers, has also released the rights to many of their other products to Universal Studios so that they can make even more money off the remaining parts of their soul that aren't currently in possession by the devil. Here's the report by Reuters Labs, and a direct quote:

Hasbro Inc on Wednesday said it signed a six-year deal with Universal Pictures for the film company to make at least four movies based on well-known games like Monopoly, Battleship, Candy Land and Ouija.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I strongly believe that as a species we reached our maximum potential in the 60s and now we're beginning to circle the toilet bowl of existence. Our population may be at an all time high and rising, but lets face it, humanity is almost gone, natural disasters are increasing (The earth hates Indians and black people from Louisiana) and selling out is accepted because money rules our lives. How poetic, something we invented now controls us; money is the real world's Frankenstein.

Now back to me. On Tuesday, after taking a government exam, I went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, the other guy in the bathroom, finishes up, looks me square in the eye, gives me a kind of 'whatever' face and walks out the door. First of all, you don't make eye contact with any guy you don't know when you're in the bathroom. Secondly, who the fuck pisses and doesn't wash their fucking hands? That's the even the worst part though, because moments later, I saw him shaking hands with some other guy right outside that building...fucking disgusting. If I were to ever catch one of my friends not wash their hands after touching their sweaty dick, I'd make sure to wipe my ass with my hand, shake their hand, then tell them what I just did, and while holding on to their hand to make sure they don't go anywhere, stare directly into their eyes and remind them to wash their fucking hands.

Jack Thompson was in the news again...except this time it almost feels like he's toying with us. He's actually blaming the NIU shooting on Counterstrike! This guy is almost unreal; has he ever played the damn game? CS is far from real and even less entertaining to anyone with a GED or above. Besides, almost every male with a computer has played counterstrike at one point in time. Maybe .000000000000837 of them kill people at school? That's like saying that every rapist once saw someone being assertive and decided they'd use that to get laid. Everyone is assertive at once in their life, and how many actually go out and rape people? Maybe one in every six the most! I feel like him, Anne Coulter, and the Mrs. Phelps from the WBC get together every month or so to plan their events.

WBC: Hey, sorry I'm late, I had to get some flyers out about Heath Ledger's Death.
Jack Thompson: Oh you're doing that? That's awesome.
Anne Coulter: Yeah, I was planning on doing it too but I'm busy with my next book.
JT: Oooh, what's it called?
AC: Gays or Models? Who to get rid of first.
WBC: Woah, nice.
JT: Yeah, no kidding.
AC: Thanks guys, so what're you up to?
JT: I'm actually blaming the NIU shooting on video games.
WBC: No shit?! Me too, except I'm taking the blasphemous-fags and god-hating side.
AC: That's great, I was actually about to blame the mothers but I'm not really sure if I have time.
WBC: You totally should, we're bringing sandwiches and if you want we'll make you a sign.
JT: Yeah, and I'm gonna bring some Haterade.
AC: .......
WBC: ............
JT: I guess I'm getting the bill today aren't I?
WBC & AC: Yeah.

You will rarely, if ever, see me post these kinds of .gifs on here, but this one is just so damn mesmerizing. It's impossible to watch it only once, you really get lost in it. Those crazy fools over at the CAD Forums loved it; so you will too. Also, one of them told me that she's the Penthouse Pet of June 2006: Shay Laren, so don't get the notion that you'll meet her someday and will be able to get in her's not going to happen.

Since I didn't have class today, I spent the majority of the day sleeping, and before starting homework, I watched the first season of Entourage. It's such a badass show, and yeah I know I'm late about it, but I definitely wish I had HBO so I don't have to wait to watch it online. The only problem is all the shameless plugging in it. Every five fucking minutes you're thrown an Absolut Vodka, Harley Davidson, or Uggz boots promotion. Oh well, at least the content is actually worth it, unlike I, Robot.

Charlie Bartlett and Be Kind, Rewind come out tomorrow so I'll definitely haff to go sheck 'em out this weekend. Both look like promising comedies; Rewind starring Mos Def and being directed by Michel Gondry, and Bartlett having a unique storyline with Robert Downey Jr playing the school Principle.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Day 17

This is my Train of Coherent and Organized Thought wearing Sam Fisher's spy goggles.

Line of the Week: Most people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. - The Truth! (Shown to me by That Deaf Kid)

My mom's grandmother died, so 96% of my family went to Mexico for the funeral/burial with me excluded (I'm always the remaining 4%) since I had class today and had homework to do, which I didn't do as you'll soon find out.

I wanted to go to Wal-Mart Saturday Night to buy some chocolate chip cookies at around 11pm...but I decided against it so that I didn't appear as the blazed kid who can't plan ahead. I prefer to be seen as the blazed kid who is responsible.

Something I noticed on the Indiana Jones trailer was that after you see him knock two fools out of a truck he literally fell into, you see him 'whip' himself into the ceiling as the truck he was in collides head-on into another truck coming straight for him, causing an explosion. The question I ask is this: Why, if you know that there is only space for one of those huge trucks, would you drive one towards another one? I mean, to what end? Planning a suicide mission? Plot hole? Maybe they just felt it was necessary to put an explosion in the movie and hope no one would ask questions.

Hasbro has officially released the photos for the Cloverfield monster action figure. It's over a foot tall, comes with two interchangeable heads, two of the parasites and costs One-Hundred-fucking-dollars! I guess it's worth is when you see the amazing detail put into it and, before I forget, the screaming sound it makes when you shove three AAA batteries up its ass. Abrams is really milking this thing. Here are a few more pictures in case you really like dolls that can double as an uncomfortable sex-toy for four gay guys.

I saw Jumper on Friday. Yeah, it was a decent movie, people were complaining about the's Hayden Christenson, he's the Generation X's Keanu Reeves. The movie was good regardless of how you look at it. The characters were kind of fucking stupid and apparently don't live in a world with guns, but whatever, I guess Tasers that look like walking canes for midgets are cool too. The teleportation is simply badass, good visuals, and the fighting looked really fucking incredible. If you want to see some crazy fighting between two Jumpers, check this movie out, if you're looking for an Oscar nominee or something with depth, then stop watching fucking action movies you idiot. I don't get why people always complain about action movies. You know what an action movie is? A movie where a shit load of people get their asses beat by another group of people, or just one person. That's it, the plot doesn't matter unless it's deals with time travel or alternate universes, which Jumper does not, so leave the movies alone and go watch Titanic if you want character development.

Aside from watching the second season of 30 Rock Saturday afternoon (Calm the fuck down, it's only like six episodes because of the WGA Strike), this weekend was a Tarantino weekend. I watched Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill (Both) and checked out his new projects in between my masturbation minutes. While on this subject, I'm really thinking that Quentin Tarantino needs to create the film adaptations of No More Heroes or Killer7. After watching Kill Bill V.1 again, I noticed that in the scene with the Crazy 88s, Uma Thurman decapitates and vertically slices some guys within ten seconds of each other, which is what you do in No More Heroes; plus the dialogue used in both are almost identical and have a great quirky comedic twang. I would love to see Tarantino cast some badass as Travis Touchdown and some crazy blond French hottie as Sylvia Crystal. The plot would be a typical action movie, he trains with Thunder Ryu, gets the Mach-II Beam Katana, beats a bunch of crazy fools, then gets the Mach-III Beam Katana in time to kill Bat Girl and shit. Add the trademark blood and a couple moments where the Fourth Wall is broken and you've got yourself a better action movie than the last Rambo.

Now it's 1:18 Monday morning and I've read one chapter for Philosophy but haven't done the journal. At this point it could be because of apathy, lack of mental stimulation in the past two days (My brain hasn't gotten an erection for over 72 hours), or because I just don't feel like explaining why I would break the law if it meant I wouldn't get caught. Of course I would, as long as I'm not causing direct physical paint to someone, I don't care. If I could steal and get away with it, I'd be the JC Ward of Invisible People Who Steal Books from Barnes and Nobles Because They Can Society. I hate money to begin with, more specifically the Federal Reserve, so stealing wouldn't effect me at all, just a easier way to sneak into rich peoples' apartments, excuse me, lofts, and throw their $3000 mirrors out the window.

To sum this up:
  • Home Alone = Too much TV
  • Abrams is a greedy Jew bastard
  • Tarantino + Suda51 = Deliciousness
  • Robin Hood is a badass
  • Consumerism fucking sucks

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Day 16

Real proof that Jesus loves the gays...

Line of the week: i almost took sociology but i drop out -An ex...yeah, I know.

Happy VD to everyone, and no, it's not just a coincidence that Valentines Day shares the same initials with Venereal Disease. Giving her chocolates doesn't mean you shouldn't be wearing a condom, it's not a plausible substitute. Suit up.

Also, I found out that if I start off a sentence with "Is it wrong that-", that whatever I'm about to say is not only wrong, it's also incredibly unholy, would probably disgust Hitler and the Mendez Brothers and is something that only one-armed transvestite hobos in downtown San Fransisco have thought of.

I greeted all my friends today with the phrase "Yo diggity", hoping for the response "No Doubt", and it just never happened...

I'm going to go check out Jumper tomorrow, hopefully it doesn't completely suck. I love teleportation, it's the best superpower, period. Add the fact that it's used to fight people all over the world with Samuel L. Jackson narrating, and you've got what will probably be a good action movie. I do, however, expect for the plot and romance storyline to be the negative part of the movie.

I found a remake of the new Batman movie to reflect the one made in 1966, that being said, I present to you, the very creative, The Dark Knight 1966 Trailer.

This week has been fucking hell, I've had so much work to do and since I've had to take my sister to school every morning, I've been running on a low amount of sleep. Yesterday I was falling asleep in Macro-Economics, even in spite that I was drinking Jamba Juice WITH the Energy Boost...assholes lied to me.

I hate people who litter; more than I hate people who wear Crocs...well, maybe not that much, but about the same amount. Usually to the point where I honestly begin to weigh pros and cons on lightly ramming them into a tree. One of these days it'll happen...just wait...

The Writers' Strike ended Wednesday so it looks like Bic won't have to halt their production lines anymore. That being said, Conan O'Brien with his writers was not as good as expected. I definitely prefer Conan without the writers. His monologue last night was surprisingly weak and had an average of 3/5 punchlines getting barely moderate laughs. Oh well, at least we get our television shows and future movies back; hopefully they got a fantastic deal. If you also watched Conan last night, you'll enjoy this: "Suicidal Ryan Reynolds Jibber-Jabbers about kidnapping children!"

Paul Shaffer is what the mutation of Bono and a cancer patient would look like.

Something else that happened yesterday, was the release of the Teaser for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Sunday I'm going with Nate to watch him and his friend take pictures of models I guess, so that should be a good way to start off the week.

Holy College-Shooting Update!!

If you didn't know, today (VD), there was a shooting in an auditorium at Northern Illinois University. The guy kicked open the door dressed in black and started shootin' fools before performing a pistol-seppuku. Here's a few things I noticed when reading the article:
  • Kicked the door open - probably came from watching Police Academy or something.
  • Wearing black - REAL ninjas don't use guns.
  • Auditorium - Holy shit, these school shooters are getting smarter, first it's a sniper tower, then high school hallways, then an open square, and now it's inside an auditorium that probably only has three or four exits for 162 people? Next thing you know it's going to be pipe bombs during a school-wide contest on who can fit the most students in one classroom.
  • Time to rate the most famous ones because maybe it's just me, but although the deaths are decreasing, save VT, they are happening at an average of almost one every other year:
    1. UT: Killed 14 and Wounded 31
    2. Columbine: Killed 13 and Wounded 23
    3. Virginia Tech: Killed 32 and Wounded many more
    4. Northern Illinois University: Killed 5 and Wounded 21
Here's what a lot of people don't notice...there have been almost a hundred school shootings since the UT sniper, he just began it. This is just fucking pathetic.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Day 15

Taken by a Human Being while in Fukuoka, Japan...kinda speaks for itself.

Line of the Week: Virtual Scalping: For the tech-savvy Injuns! -Me...right now.

Since my last entry I've been busy fighting the War Against Sinus Pressure...I don't think even AIDS victims have to deal with waking up and not being able to breathe and coughing up enough phlegm to make a phlegm-cake with. Luckily, the weather was really nice, allowing me to do one of my favorite things: driving with the windows down. The fresh air hitting my snot-filled nose and face was literally four minutes of heaven.

Saturday I accompanied my mother to HEB where I coughed on Onions and Coffee for good measure while I teased this chick I happened to look at while smiling...mind games are probably going to come back and bite me in the ass, but until then, I'm in charge. Afterwards we hit up a local Chinese joint and was really fucking let down when I got my Fortune Cookie that read: In order to take, one must first give. Wow, thanks Confuscious. Here are some more bullshit ideas for Fortune Cookies:
  • In order to die, one must first live.
  • In order to smile, one must first frown.
  • In order to hear, one must first be deaf.
  • In order to sit, one must first stand.
  • In order to be black, one must first be white.
  • In order to walk, one must first...stand still.
Why couldn't those Chinese folks just keep it simple with "You will not die today...hopefully?" Is that really too much to ask?

I'm really getting annoyed that too much of anything either really fucking sucks, or kills you. I mean, I'm sick and I end up taking "too long" of a shit and when I stand up it feels like a burning cattle prod was shoved up my asshole. Yeah ,let that image sink in. There's no real joke here, I just kind of want you to have that picture in your head for a few minutes.

I saw Pride this weekend though. It was about black people who, against all stereotypes, can water. Now I couldn't tell if it was CGI, Green Screen or some of that camera wizardry you see in then Quentin Tarantino films, but I'm pretty sure they were in some sort of water. Up until this movie I thought black people swimming was impossible, like a selfless Jew, intelligent Christian, or a childless Catholic. Terrence Howard, you sneaky bastard, you got me.

When you're sick, taking a shower is like the ejaculation of the body...not to be confused with ejaculation ON the body, which is something that happens to a teenage girl's face almost weekly.

One of these days I'm going to go to Hollywood Video and rent every noir film, along with every movie on this list and watch at least one a day until I get to Citizen Kane. Also, I'll probably throw in They Live and Network because they're just that damn good.

  1. Saturday, they ran a Hanna Montana commercial in Spanish on some Mexican channel promoting her 3D movie/concert thing...that's pretty much the joke, I mean, I can't make fun of something like that.
  2. Daft Punk played the Grammys with Kanye West(That mofo keeps shit real) on their first television appearance in 14 years. It was fan-fucking-tastic. Check it out here.
  3. The Writers' Guild of America have reached a TENTATIVE Strike Agreement.
  4. David Blaine likes to amaze gay people now so...uhh...props to him?
  5. And of course, Celine Dion is Fucking Amazing.
Also, my friends have no fucking idea what RSVP means as far as making sure they're included in a future plan goes...I'm going to have to teach them what's what.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Day 14

Maybe I like this because House is very much like me, or because I'm Half Life 2 nerd...the point is, it's awesome.

Line of the week: I like my coffee how I like my -Me in front of Walmart.

For the record, I decided to give up Catholicism for lent.

Monday night I went to the Hobby Center downtown with my family and saw Jersey Boys, the musical about the history of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons, it was absolutely hilarious and extremely well written. The audience, which had the average age of death, went crazy the moment Sherry, Oh What a Night, and Can't Take My Eyes Off You were sung...and like me, decided it would be a good idea to sing along. Afterwards, we went home and I watched Conan O'Brien fight Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Check it out here.

According to Facebook, I have a birthday coming up in a couple weeks, so I think I'm just going to invite a few friends to grab some dinner and then check out Paul Varghese at The Houston Improv. Then, if we're feeling adventurous, we'll go to my house for milkshakes and cookie cake as we watch Love Actually.

I saw Rambo last night, and I have very mixed feelings about it. The beginning of the movie was alright until the first missionary started talking. His voice was so awkward and jarring that it completely ruined the next twenty minutes. Then, the idiot missionaries attract attention to the village because they're idiots and cause the death of at least a hundred people. Throughout these incredibly dull scenes, although only having a couple lines, most of which consist of grunts, Rambo's size and war-stressed face are nothing short of hardcore; foreshadowing his ability to do some killin'. Finally, the story just suddenly stops and we're treated to some crazy action the moment you see Rambo pull out his Bow-of-Death. I wouldn't recommend going to see it in theaters, but I do recommend seeing it if you have a penis. Top three moments of the movie?
  1. Rambo ripping some mofo's throat out with his bare hands.
  2. Rambo decapitating some unsuspecting mofo.
  3. Rambo cutting open the top mofo and pausing for effect right before he withdraws his blade, spilling out the guy's intestines.
Something else that was exposed to me while watching the movie were the masculine views, or lack-thereof, from the youth in today's society. Many kids these days look at rappers and rich people as their heroes or idols because that's all they have. We, however, grew up with Jean Claude Van Damme's crazy martial arts movies, Chuck Norris' intense action sequences, Arnold Schwarzenegger's physics-defying action and strength and Sylvester Stallone's Rambo series that are literally two hours of him killing Asian people...because he fucking can. It's a shame that all boys these days have to look up to are Soldja Boy and John McClane; those city boys just aren't the same...

Here's an interesting tidbit I recently found out while checking out what pages the most people arrive to my blog from. Apparently, one of the latest ones, seems to have come from Saudi Arabia. Normal enough right? Right. However, if you click here, you can see that he was actually Googling "Nipples 13 old". Yeah, I have a Saudi pedophile that reads my blog.

Yesterday I was reminiscing a bit about food and I realized, the first time I had Jack-In-The-Box is like the first time I ejaculated. I was elated, a little bit tired, despite my feelings I knew I had to wait another day to try it again, and I had stuff all over my hands and hair; it was a complete mess.

Referring to Monday's .gif of the Cloverfield monster, a friend of mine told me he would have beat me if he hadn't seen Cloverfield prior to seeing that animation. Which is funny because as the violence would have escalated, I probably would've ruined the rest of the movie.

Him: Hey asshole, I haven't seen the movie you're gonna pay.
Me: Shwatevah nigg.
Him: ::Punches me::
Me: What the fu-Jason dies!
Him: ::Knees me in my stomach::
Me: *cough* Marlena goes all splody!
Him: ::Head butts my chest::
Me: *Groans* We never see what happens to Lily!
Him: ::Elbows my elbow::
Me: Wait, did you just elbow my elbow? That's fucking stupid.
Him: I'm not the one writing this shit
Me: Touché
Him: I guess it's pretty redundant to continue this since the Fourth wall had been shattered.
Me: Yeah...
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: ...Hud gets eaten by the monster, Haha!
Him: ::Knee to my face::

Chick-Fil-A really raises your expectations of fast food service with their peppy hellos and greetings. The only problem with that is that failure is not an option. These people have to be happy all the time, regardless of external or internal conflicts. Even if your mother was raped by your priest while your father watched tied to a chair by a duo of missionary midgets and then were both killed by a Rabbi for ironic taste, the next day you went to work, you had to greet the drive-thru line with "It's a great day today. Welcome to Chick-Fil-A, how may I help you?".

Homosexuals are sooooo gay...

Monday, February 4, 2008

Day 13

Cloverfield Monster

This is me ruining the Cloverfield monster for should have seen it by now, so stop your bitching.

Line of the week: "You look like Negro Chinese" -Some Chinese lady in a short story I'm reading.

Other than school and various spurts of writing, I haven't really been doing much since my last "real" update.

Saturday I woke up a little early and read a bit of Philosophy to jump start my day...and followed it up by going to Hooters for lunch with Dan. We went because our friend Danielle works there, so we had to support her and her fellow blue-eye-shadowed co-workers. The food, as per the Hooters creed, was as delicious as breast milk. My sister didn't end up going to work because she had her Sadie Hawkins dance that night.

For those of you not in "the know", Sadie Hawkins is where the girls ask the guys out to the dance, and the guys have to then finger her into unconsciousness....yeah, no thanks there toots.

I downloaded a four-hour Gabriel & Dresden mix from Iceland in '06, and it fueled my continuously growing desire to go to Club Space in Ibiza and see Carl Cox, the King of Clubs, deck his shit out until 6am.

Now I'd like to mention something that I've been meaning to write about for a week now, but every time I begin to think about it, I get caught up in my rage and can't type. As many of oyu know, I hate the Consumerism that has swept over the world since the late 80s. This is because, as the consumerism grows, the education declines. People are now more preoccupied with their fucking cell phones than with books and education, and the parents that buy their kids PSPs and Blackberries are just as bad, but that's for another topic on bad parenting.

Last weekend, two movies opened in theaters all over the US. One of these movies is a sequel to one of the greatest action series known to man; the other is a pathetic disgraceful attack to comedy and intelligence. That's right, I'm talking about Rambo and Meet the Spartans.

The part that really fucking pisses me off, is that Meet the Spartans made twice as much money, if not more, than Rambo. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS THIS ABOUT?! As if the two disgraceful directors didn't fuck us up the ass with a telephone pole enough with Date Movie and Epic Movie, they thought it necessary to bring the series back for yet another societal failure. The worst part is that this movie, if you can call it that, made most of its money the same way politicians get to be presidential nominees...through the uneducated with power (Or in this case, money) . The people who threw away millions of dollars are the same people who are the future of America! These fucking dipshits are the 12-16 year old idiots who also made Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia stars. These idiots are what is wrong with the world and America alike.

If you've seen the movie and you're reading this, I would like to say to you personally (And this is real, I would say this in front of a judge as these are my real feelings and I type this in complete sincerity) I hope you die before the age of 22. I hope you, your best friend who went to see the movie with you and if you have one, your first born child, all get hit by a drunk driver. Don't drive? I honestly wish with all my might that you get Cancer, or get shot in the next school shooting, or you get run over by a neighbor. I honestly and truly hope that the next time you drink you die of either alcohol poisoning or you choke on your own vomit and choke to death. I want to see every single parent, child, cousin, friend, spouse, smoker, and person who saw Meet the Spartans with any intention other than to formally review it, to die before they reach the age of 22. Maybe if I'm lucky some of you will go to Iraq and get killed in an ambush or a car bomb or something similar...I hate you more than I hate that prick Chris Crocker.

Like I was saying, an abomination to mankind like Soldja Boy is to hip hop. It's appalling and is destroying what's left of American morality. This is the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night, not the bullshit of being lonely or not making money like all the other idiots out there. I'm not the only one out there who thinks this either, here are a couple links where you can see more reviews:
Link 1
Link 2

All in all, what does the fact that Meet the Spartans made more than Fifty dollars tell me? That America is done. The future, the youth, the supposedly intelligent have given up. No more do we look for real comedy like George Carlin, Mel Brooks, Eddie Murphy, and a few others, we now celebrate the mediocrity of John C. Reilly, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Andy Samberg, recent Will Ferrel and movies like Dodgeball, Walk Hard, Hot Rod, The Benchwarmers, and Talladega Nights.

All you fucking people disgust me...

I hate how abortion jokes are always only a hit-or-miss deal, there's never a gray area for them.

The Super Bowl was alright, the game was rather anti-climatic until the Giants scored the game winning touchdown. As for the commercials? They were terrible; some were so bad that no one knew what they were trying to sell. I've mentioned a few of them here and if you think the description is boring, wait until you see the actual video:
  • Iron Man looks fucking delicious...
  • Pandas with Chinese accents.
  • Carlos Mencia still needs to be strung up with barbed wire by the balls above a pit of HepC filled needles.
  • Shaq as a horse jockey.
  • Doritos commercial with the guy in a rat suit...I liked it mostly because of the ruthless punching at the end.
  • Surprisingly enough, the Carmen Electra commercial was awful; here I was expecting an Emmy nomination.
  • E*Trade's talking baby was a strange mix weirdly hilarious.
  • Bud Light commercials are officially the Herpes of the Super Bowl, they had their logo at the end of every other commercial, on the cheerleaders' tits, the players' helmets, and on the nipples of the old naked fans in the stands.
I wonder how drunk you would get if you had a shot of liquor every time Joe Buck said "Here's a guy...".

My birthday is this month apparently. Ironically enough, it is also Black History Month. January needs to be Black History Month, I mean, MLK Jr. has his day in January, he needs to stop being so greedy and share the whole thing with his people he "cares so much about".

I'm too pissed about Meet the Spartans to even end this...fuck it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

So you want to be a rapist, now what?

I've been watching the news a bit more than usual lately, and I've noticed an increasing amount of rape cases. The problem I've been seeing lately is that almost all of them are just terribly messy and lack the professionalism we've all grown accustomed to. I'm not saying I condone rape, unless the other person was dressed provocatively, but if you're going to do it, at least do it right. For the sake of personal preference, I'll be doing the standard Man > Woman scenario, however, feel free to replace penis with vagina and vice-versa for your personal raping needs.

Before we start off, here's a rape statistic that most people actually don't know about:
Perpetrator Frequency
Steady dating partner 21.6%
Casual friend 16.5%
Ex-boyfriend 12.2%
Acquaintance 10.8%
Close friend 10.1%
Casual date 10.1%
Husband 7.2%
Stranger 2%

Keeping this in mind, try to not choose someone you already know, they get these statistics because the closer you are to your "date" the more likely you are to get caught. Who has time for that?

So you want to rape someone, now what? Now that you've finally got the courage to do it, pay attention and everything will go through better than an Enron transaction.

1) Strategy
One thing I can't stress enough; strategy, strategy, strategy!
It doesn't matter how experienced you are or how strong you are, if you don't plan out your method of seduction and location, a potentially fantastic experience will turn into a big disgusting mess.

Choose the right drug for the right mood (DO NOT use pure force, this is supposed to be a night of passion and confusion, not violence and pleas of pain).
GhB - Perfect for those club-nights and large social events as it takes about 30-40min. to take full effect.
Roofies - Fit well into smaller gatherings, maybe a small bar, an Applebees or Hooters kind of restaurants and takes effect in about 15-20min.
Chloroform - This is for a quick job (For the rapist on the go!) and should only be used at night, during a date, roommate or your neighbor since it takes effect almost immediately and honestly, who has the time and energy to drag an unconscious body all the way home while still maintaining an erection?

If you're confused or having trouble up to this point, don't worry about it, there are a few celebrities you can learn from about the details. Here are the top three names that popped up when I checked to see from where people go to the rape article on Wikipedia (I am not making this up).
  1. Snoop Dogg
  2. Mickey Finn
  3. 50 Cent

2) Penetration Preparation
Alright, you've got an unconscious woman/man/undecided/both/animal laying on your floor, futon, bathtub or kitchen counter. The obvious first step is to get her naked right? Right, but how to do it correctly is the important part. Always remember to take off the clothes slowly and carefully while attempting to minimize the sniffing of the undergarments. Always remember to keep them laid out so you can dress her back up when you're done (More on that later).

Next, here is a checklist of a few things you should have, feel free to print it out and take it out with you until you get the hang of it.
  • Lube - Look, I don't care how "hott" you are, the chick is not going to be wet unless you somehow got her aroused before-hand, which means you were going to get some regardless and you just wasted money on the Roofies. Chances are she'll be like really fine sandpaper, so make sure you get the good stuff; i.e. Astroglide.
  • Condom - If you picked her up at a bar, Los Angeles, or she's blond, she definitely has some sort of Venereal Disease that will make you pee blood out of the purple sores that will pop-up later that week. If you can't find this, a little bit of Saran Wrap will do fine.
  • Spermicidal Lube - Use this only if you don't have access to a condom or some other contraceptive and you're sure she doesn't have some sort of STD, because lets face it. You're not the creme of the crop, and we don't need any more little shits like you running around.
  • Banana or Cucumber - Watch the new movie, Teeth, and you'll see why you'll want to test her out before you do anything.
  • Socks and zip-ties - This is to tie her down without leaving the messy bruises, also, some women, seemingly unconsciously, flail like fish during sex. For your own safety.
  • Electric Razor - Just in case you caught her on the day before she meant to shave or something.
Keep these items in mind and everything should go smoothly. Try not to bring cellphones, cameras, or mp3 players as they can distract you from the job you came to do. Also, if you record it, you WILL get caught, and that is a fact, so no RedTube.

3) Doin' Yo' Thang
Now you're ready to rock her (unconscious) world. Remember, just because she's as unconscious as a coma patient with Downs Syndrome, it doesn't mean she's not human, so don't just pound away until you see blood. Most of the chemicals in the aforementioned drugs will knock her out for a good 4-6 hours. Take your time. Try different positions and keep things fresh, there's nothing worse than a boring raping, then you've just wasted your time and money. Good for the economy; bad for you.

Try to pull out at the end and not ejaculate inside her...that's just plain gross. Remember what I said about reproducing for your kind? It's a definite no-no. Try to have something like a Cum Bucket (Patent Pending) or something similar if you want to keep it. Usually you can just grab a handful of napkins and later flush them down the toilet. However you want to dispose of your soldiers is really up to you.

4) Closing Shop
So now you're done and if you went with the Chloroform route, chances are there are going to be sirens screaming out your name very soon. First things first, get that bitch cleaned up! Try not to wash the head because girls usually wear makeup, and water will be a dead give-away that she was fucked around with (Pun fully intended).

Next, put her clothes back on. This is the tricky part for most guys because she's just laying there recently washed, knowing you her breasts and vagina are probably cleaner than hospital rooms, and smells Zestfully clean. This makes most guys want to go for round 2, or 7, depending on how many times you finished the first time. You can do it though; you've made it this far and I know you can finish the job.

This last part is very tricky, how to put her someplace where someone won't get Sloppy Seconds, place you as a suspect, or have her even consider what happened. If you have a car, just drop her off at (her) home with a half-empty (Or half-full) bottle of Tequila in her hand, with the other half sprinkled over her shirt, skirt and feet. This will make her think she somehow got home and passed out on the couch or floor. If you don't have a car, kill her and burn her body in a nearby field. Kidding! Put her in a taxicab and tip the driver extra with instructions to ring the doorbell and leave. Use a Hispanic or Black accent for good measure...

...and there you have it. The rapist's instruction manual, for those hopeless romantic science-gifted loners out there.

This concludes the first How-To I have ever written. Feel offended? Too bad you can't purchase a sense of humor, because that would help you tremendously. Because I enjoyed writing this one so much, I'll will take requests via the comment button below. The next regular update will be Monday.