Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 84

I'm actually apathetic to Katy...but not to the Perrys.

Chinese people are funny...or Indians...or Mexicans...or whatever the fuck those guys are.

LOTW: Why is mother's day a bigger event than father's day? Because dads hit harder...

On the UT "Shooter" CANNOT be called a shooter unless you...wait for it...SHOOT SOMEONE!! This guy wasn't a terrorist. He wasn't a shooter. He wasn't a killer. He was a waste of an AK-47. I doubt I'll ever kill someone for the sole fact that it's too risky and I could get caught, however, if I was given an AK-47 at a college, 90% of all my bullets fired would come in contact with someone else, with the last couple saved for yours truly. Also, have any of ya'll ever even seen an AK-47? They're pretty big when they've got a stock attached, and they're pretty heavy, so props to whatshisname for being able to turn the gun around on himself and actually successfully commit suicide before getting caught. Ok, go back to class and quit bitching about whatever you're bitching about.

I feel like we fucked up as a developing race by getting rid of slavery. If we're a species started by aliens (If hieroglyphics and Indiana Jones 4 were of any indication, we ARE), and they gave us the idea and practice of slavery...then when they come back, they are going to be PISSED. I don't have a joke for this I just wish I had a slave to drive me while I do dirty-nothings in my backseat. She'd be around my age, a brunette, glasses, about 5 feet and 4 1/2 inches and her name would be Tina Fey.

I was thinking about how crazy the concept of getting an autograph really is. When you ask for an autograph, you essentially want proof that you met the autographs are basically just receipts for people you've met. This idea interests me because I like to see what people do with people-receipts. Black people tend to use them as alibi's because they know you can't trust them, White people use them for tax purposes, and Mexicans don't know what taxes are.

I don't understand kissing. I mean, I like it, a lot, but it doesn't really make any sense. Where does passion and the idea "Hey, let me punch your mouth with my mouth" come together? Also, the mouth is the filthiest and most germ and bacteria infested area in your body. Why would you want put the dirtiest part of your body into the other dirtiest part of your significant other? The only thing dirtier would be to just rub both sides of your hand on their tongue. Yeah, just think about doing that...let it set in your mind-grapes. Our mouths are actually dirtier than a penis (or vagina), that's why it doesn't make sense to wash your hands AFTER you pee. If anything, you should wash your hands BEFORE you pee, so you don't get your penis (or vagina) dirty. The last thing you want is a dirty penis, especially if it's sweaty, because then the dirt and sweat and make penis-sweat-mud and it will smell like something a yak vomiting after going to Taco Bell, drinking half a gallon of spoiled whole milk and a bucket full of pubes.

...although that might have gone a bit too far, It didn't.

Now, I know this site is pretty basic, but mark these words: One day, when my life gets off the ground, I'll have the money to be able to finally create a website as beautiful as this guy (Click on him for the site!):

Sponsored by MS Paint and a very intoxicated 6-year old lesbian with Parkinson's Disease.

One of the best parts of not having online classes is that I get the joy of interacting with people all day long and adapting appropriately. For instance, today someone was talking about the Tea Party or Gay Marriage, I can't remember, they're both pretty homosexual though, and they began their "statement" by saying that they've "read the bible and stuff." Whenever people say stuff like that, I know it's time to talk to my neighbors, lock eyes with my professor and give them a "Check out this guy's research" look or my personal favorite, open a bag of chips while they're talking...a term I'm using VERY loosely.

For my first exam of the semester I decided to be a good boy and get to class early and instead of cramming last minute stuff I wont remember, I ended up just listen to my professor talk about his marriage. This is how the pre-exam conversation went:
Professor: You know what I've learned from 14 years of marriage?
Class: ...
Professor: The longer you're married, the earlier in the day you need to start foreplay.
Class: Hahaha // groans // haha
Me: ::raise my hand::
Professor: Yes?
Me: Oh, umm... What's "foreplay?" Is that golf related?
Class: Hahaha
Professor and Class: Random banter while I be a nerd on my phone.
Professor: Alright, let me shut the door so we can get started. Is the next chapter in the book about Intimacy & Sex or Conflict Resolution?
Me: What's the difference?

Badum, TISSS! Thanks everyone, I'll be here all semester!!

I feel as if the most dangerous race combination is Asian and blacks. I can't really explain my reasoning but I just know that if you know someone who's Asian, I'm willing to bet they would rather hang out with anyone but those colored folks. To be fair, Asian people tend to be at least four times more racist than any other race, and that includes white people. Have any of you ever seen a black woman date an Asian guy? Would you like to? Me too, but I'm scared of the outcome. Something tells me that if the entire black community could enslave a race, they'd get the Asians and then use them against the whites...a little yellow fever can go a long way when all the Lucy Liu and Zyang Ziyis of the world are all snatched up. Hell, just look at Mark Zuckerberg; the youngest billionaire on the planet and what's the only thing of his every nerd or male in general would kill for? His Asian woman.

A black lady came into my Digital Imaging class to print something or other and as she left she asked my professor, albeit loud enough for the entire class to hear: "Ya'll aint got no women in dis class?!!" Immediately, the two girls in the class turned around and made themselves known by saying something I didn't hear because a MAN next to me was saying something. The lady laughs it off, says "my bad" (classic) and then asks what class this was. Without missing a beat I said "Misogyny 2302" and immediately put my professor in the most awkward position possible. Would you like to know the worst part? Nothing interesting happened. She just left after saying "You're funny, bye!" before I could even say "I know."

So I normally wouldn't do this but after a pretty long chunk of the single life full of promiscuity, apathy and fairly consistent narcissism, I've begun what I would assume is called a "real" relationship. I'm not exactly sure I know what it means, aside from the fact that quotation marks make it sound super serious, but I'm happy. We're only a few months in and still in the infatuation stage but I'm definitely happy with my ginger. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm dating a redhead and I couldn't be more fucking ecstatic about it. I don't even tell people her name before I tell them she's a redhead. I can officially cross "redhead" off of my list of future case you're wondering, there's only four left and that Asian one is going to be a little harder than I expected. Oh, and like all gingers, she lacks a soul but when you get down to it souls are for bible-fuckers to parade around, black people to lose and white people's to sell.

Alright, that's it until next week so go see The Social Network and prepare to have your mind-grapes blown to bits.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Day 83

The perfect snack for your beloved pedophiles!

LOTW: I'm like The Jeffersons of bitches! I'm just movin' on up! -Me...I don't know.

Have you ever gotten so drunk you try to make a snow angel during the summer, inside, on your tile floor while facing down? Me neither.

I recently realized that it's going to be impossible for me to have a normal restroom experience. Last week I was in the restroom of a movie theater. Using the urinal furthest from the door, a kid takes the mini-urinal a few spots down and as his stream becomes audible, some old guy with grey hair comes in, stands next to him. He then proceeds to ask the kid what he thought of the movie and other stuff that shouldn't be mentioned in a place where your mouth should rarely be open. By this point, they're both peeing quite loudly, I'm trying to make it look like I'm still peeing without being obvious about my eavesdropping, so I go wash my hand and my favorite part happens. The kid finishes, walks out without washing his as the old guy exclaims: "Where are you going? Don't leave me!" Which I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to say to a nine-year-old, unless you yourself are nine-years-old.

My friend Marc has a really shitty couch. It's so shitty he bought a blanket to put on top so the experience of its horrendous smell and fabric escapes the ignorant guests that happen upon it. After seeing it's true and hideous nature, a friend said "It's not THAT bad." He was mistaken, so I proceeded to correct him with the following logic: Based on the couch's shoddy workmanship and selection of fabric, it was likely made in the mid/late 60s, we were born in the mid/tale 80s...this couch is so fucking old, it was considered out and out-dated before we were even born. The moral ? Don't trust couches you're not allowed to see.

I was watching TV recently and as I was scrolling through the on-screen guide, I found two shows with the most straightforward and almost-unappealing titles I have ever read. The first was George Washington Slept Here. I love it, it tells you exactly how bored you're going to be, right before you don't watch it. The other was called The Woman with Half a Body. Not sober, I axed my surrounding friends if they thought it was going to be a woman with the top or bottom half. We eventually decided it was probably the top since the bottom, while much more attractive (Read: Less annoying), would probably only reach the demographic of males 18-24. The top half, however, would reach the demographic of all women and gays because it was probably an hour-long show about some woman whining about how she can't meet a decent guy who can look past the half that he will never have sex if he marries her...or she'll get lockjaw from all the blowjobs she'll have to give just to keep him around. Don't get me wrong, I love blowjobs, but no mouth, regardless of how small and/or young it is, will ever compensate for a proportionately-sized vagina....and that's why I call this blog The Greater Truth.

Did you understand Inception? I know Xzibit did.

I was watching a movie in a movie theater recently (I know, how nerdy of me), and as soon as the lights dimmed, a woman looked back at me as if it was time to shut up. I was feeling...bold and intelligent and proceeded to explain where she made a mistake and said "Ma'am, I'm a big movie nerd, I know how this works. The lights go dim = We take our seats. Commercials begin = We talk to drown out the bullshit. Trailers come on = You say the last thing you think is important and then shut just as the production company's logo pops up." Now, I ended up repeating this to some friends, and I found out that this is not the case for black people.

I did some research and found out that when you're black and running on CP time it goes more like this:
  • The lights dim - They put out the blunt in their car's ashtray.
  • Commercials begin - They buy their tickets and go inside the lobby.
  • Trailers start - They wait until everyone is inside and then go into the theater as a group.
  • Movie kicks off - They noisily get to the seats in the place that's most difficult to get to.
  • 5-20min into the movie - They sit snickering to eachother
  • 30+ minutes in - All hell fucking breaks loose and they get loud
  • 45min in - An angry white person has told the manager and they've come in to get them to leave.
  • In the lobby - They try to get their money back, and when they don't, they say "This is bullshit" and go kill a random white person.
  • After the movie - Half of the theater demands a refund and instead they get free passes to live through this experience again!

I don't think I really even need to justify this. I know this exists and I have no idea what to do with this information. Spread it, I suppose.