Friday, January 23, 2009

No Update This Week

No update this week, I'm still too pissed about the following item to think about anything else:

(Click the Picture...)

Fucking AMPAS...

Oh, and before I forget:

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Day 60

I said it once and I'll say it again, woman are more shallow than men...

Line of the Week: Well I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe... -A midget on 30 Rock

As if the existence of MTV wasn't bad enough, my sister thinks it's awesome to watch The City (Like The Hills, but the chick somehow manages to have an even fatter face than the other one) whenever she comes home from school. As I was looking for nude pictures of Mary-Louise Parker I glanced over to the TV and saw this exchange occur in a club:

Fat-Faced Girl's Friend: So what sign are you?
Guy Who Likes Fat Chicks Because They're on TV: Uhhhh.......Gemini (Smile)
FFGF: Like, aren't you, like, supposed to, like, be, like, two-faced and devious?
GWLFCBTOT: (Jokingly) Yeah
FFGF: Oh... (Facial Expression: This isn't gonna work out...)
Fat-Faced Girl: Hmmm (Facial Expression: Oh no, you're right.)
Me: I actually can't feeling my penis anymore...

The something annual Golden Globes happened last week and because I only focused on the film portion I got 10/14 correct...there's no joke here, just bragging about my brain-grapes.

I started school again on Monday, which is why I didn't update sooner, so here's the rundown of classes right meow:

I've got an Indian teacher made a pun about planes...I don't know, maybe it's just me, but when one of them brown people talk about anything metal in the air it makes me uncomfortable, she's lucky I no longer have Cheney on speed dial or she would've been outta there faster than you could say "Derka Derkastan." Oh, and I also have two crippled chicks in my class, they're not attractive or anything, but they think just because they suck at sports and drunk driving I have to hold the door open for them, and get pissed when I don't...fucking whores.

Another Desi instructor, this one with a heavier accent and better sense of humor though. She made us meet the person to our right and left and since I already knew the one on the left, I was pleased to know that the girl on my right was just as uninteresting as I had imagined, don't you love it when stuff like that happens? It's like having exact change at Jack-In-The-Box or something. Then we went to the lab where we I saw that a girl from my Speech class during the summer (Ya'll remember that, right?) was also in this class. While making her laugh I managed to get a fantastic and almost intentional view of her cleavage...if she didn't have a kid and a waist that made her skirt stretch I would be all up on that.

Haha, just kidding, stretch marks and offspring aint my thing.

This class is ridiculously fun and easy (Fun-Y?), we had to make a three-slide PowerPoint Presentation about our dream job. Then, we had to write on the discussion board to introduce ourselves and post a reply on the intros of at least two other classmates...yeah. There was one mildly kinda-cute chick in that class and even though she sat next to me on the first day, it turns out she dropped the class before the second day, lucky bitch.

History of Film
I was super fucking excited about this class because everyone knows as much, and more, about film as I do. Granted, I had to sit between the socially-rejected-fat-goth chick and annoyingly-arrogant chick with a deep voice on the first day, but nothing too bad...although I did want to choke the life out of the latter when she said that 2001: A Space Odyssey was the worst film ever made. Oh, and almost everyone there also thinks Crash and Forrest Gump were extremely overrated...thank Pesci.

While I was working on Sunday, some chick who I didn't know asked me if I went to Cy-Falls and that if I had been in choir, confused by her accuracy I replied that I did and had been. She laughed, told her friend that she knew she knew me from somewhere, took the tickets and went to watch their movie. A few hours later a coworker tells me she texted him to give me her number so that I could text her. Being in the mood for some potential comedic situations and only being able to remember she wasn't fat, I agreed to this proposition and texted her.

I regretted this decision immediately.

I made fun of a girl I met in my winter mini-mester class about how she's had stalkers, but it appeared that the joke was now on me. This girl texted me more in those four hours than I usually text in an entire day, hell, she even texted me a "hey good morning" message at 6:47 in the fucking morning on my first day of school. Honestly, who the fuck texts someone they haven't even met anytime before noon? She doesn't know my schedule and woke me the fuck up before I was even planning to get up. She didn't stop for the remainder of the week....until last night.

I sent out a mass text message that I was going to see Defiance and that whoever wanted to come with was welcome to join me and she was down for it. Luckily, so had two other pairs of people, so it wouldn't be a date (She's in fucking high school and looks like it). Not 20min. before I was about to leave my house, one pair canceled and so did my friend's date. I reluctantly left my house with my friend and when she told me her aunt had had a heart attack three hours ago (Or was it three heart attacks one hour ago?) and that she couldn't go, I thanked Morgan Freeman for looking out for me. Right as I passed where we would've met up though, she calls me to let me know she can come after all...fuck. I drive back to get her and when I pull in and she sees my friend in the car, she gives the most fantastic face every imagination of the word, it was perfect.

We get to the screening super late and decide to watch Slumdog Millionaire instead, my third time, with the group of Jews who didn't make it in either (First they were locked in dark, cold rooms and now they aren't allowed in! Oh, the irony!) and go back to Studio Movie Grill so I can get her back to her car. Instead, I decide to eat and while I say hi to everyone, she simply sits down next to me and says NOT A FUCKING THING. Never in the mood to play games with girls I'm not interested in I proceed to have some of the most ridiculously fun conversations with the seven other people I know at the bar. She eventually tells me she's gotta go, so I walk her to her car, give her a hug, take my sweater back and return to my waiting pizza at the bar. After texting me twice that she had a good time (I never replied to either one) I finish my meal and go to sleep.

The next day (last night) she starts asking if we would ever hang out again, to which I reply "Ya." After some more questions about what movie I'm watching (The Hours), if I wanted to go to a choir concert (No) and why I don't like to see movies with a lot of people (They make sound), she finally asks me if I would ever date her, this is what I sent:
Oooh, you don't wanna ask me that. I've NEVER planned ahead far enough to be able to give an honest answer, I prefer to do it spontaneous, on the fly. Plus, I've only had like 3 relationships because they're not my thing, I'm too young and ambitious to have a single girl...I mean, I'd date you but I would never promise exclusivity.
What does that mean? I have no fucking clue, I just threw a bunch of cliche responses together because she was interrupting my movie enough already. She hasn't texted me since then. If I used emoticons, I would put a big motherfucking smiley face here...girls are weird.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should find the movie Oldboy and watch it. It has incest, rape, stabbing, torture, mind games, imprisonment, revenge, guns, angel wings, beatdowns and an awesome score...oh, and it's in Korean so you won't actually feel bad about any of it.

I was reading the Houston Chronicle a couple days back and saw a tip for those participating in an upcoming marathon: Drink water before the race! It took a colorful box the size of a mouse pad to convey this oh-so-helpful advice to any runners, you know, in case they all had anterograde amnesia. It's absurd, like if I was going to run that marathon and while walking down the street someone came up to me and asked if I was going to run the marathon and warned me to "NOT each Wendys every day before it, it would not be a good idea." Newspapers really need to work on the shit they're saying, then again, if they did that we wouldn't get films like Citizen Kane and State of Play and whatnot.

I haven't done any stand up in almost four months, but I haven't written anything new either so I suppose it's all for the best. To be honest, I really wouldn't wanna go up on some random stage and be like "So I was, masturbating the other day and, uh, I came much sooner than I intended and I had to wash my mom's silk robe again...she's gonna kill me." That's stupid shit, that belongs on here, not on stage. This paragraph is more for me than for you, so you can just skip this, watch the video below and pretend like I wrote something fucking hilarious here...douche.

I think that's enough for this week, I'll probably get some more material this weekend when I work since we're getting Paul Blart, Hotel for Dogs (Emma Roberts = Hottest barely lega celeb since Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and My Bloody it'll pretty much be idiots, stupid families and fucking retards...and that's excluding all the blacks I'll have to avoid to see Notorious this weekend. I'll probably just wake up early and go to a noonish showing since we all know how lazy they are. Until next week, remember, One hand in the bush means you're like, an inch, from her vagina.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Day 59

Never forget...(Great way to kick off '09)

Line of the Week(s):
I was gonna fist you... -Norm from Yes Man
But I prefer walking around checking out little asian girls...wait, fuck. -Me at work
She could eat me under a table -Kate Winslet on Letterman

Hey there everybody! I hope you enjoyed this fantastic three-week hiatus as much as I did. A lot has happened since my last update, Christmas, New Years, Winter Minimester, those things those inferior people call holidays like Kwanzaa and Hannuka, movie binging, hott chicks, black guys with two teeth and terrorism...oh, and I think someone died, but I'm not sure. Then again, who really knows when death actually happens?

Soon after my last update, I got into a discussion (One-sided argument where I was winning) with a friend of mine, who did not believe that the ICEE is the best liquid forged from the hands of man. The conversation went something like this, with me improvising most of my "facts":

Him: I dunno, it's just not that good...
Me: Are you kidding me? It's like watching Jane Seymour prepare perfection in a glass, then eating her out as you pour it into your mouth, letting that liquid freeze just enough until you can drink it with that big straw and adding just a dash of love...
Him: What the fuck? It's just alright, there's better drinks out there.
Me: Ok, what better liquid is there to have going down your throat?
Him: Umm...
Me: Exactly! Now, if you were a girl, you'd obviously say "Oh Homero, how about your warm cum as it fills my stomach, of course!" But since you're not, you wouldn't understand. Do you at least get what I'm trying to say about how amazing ICEEs really are?
Him: Who's Jane Seymour?

On an unrelated note, my birthday is in two months and I get really thirsty...

Christmas was rather uneventful, we basically made food at our house, drove 40min. to my grandmother's house, ate it there with everyone, opened a few presents and then drove back home. The major occurrence of the night was me being able to hear the ghost of Pancho Villa crying because we were eating real food instead of fucking tamales like every other Mexican family in the world. Also, everyone came around in a circle and said thanks for the year or something, which I found extremely weird. I mean, most people gave thanks during Thanksgiving. What crazy idea made my family think they'd be able to get their thanks in almost a full month after the deadline, I'll never know. At least I got some cash and took a nap after I ate.

I woke up early the next to day to watch the most beautiful looking movie of 2008, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and the worst film of 2008, The Spirit. The latter was so bad that by the end of the two hours, one-third of the theater had walked out and I was mass texting everyone telling them how horrible this movie really was. I then went to work and made sure every customer knew how fucking horrible that film really was.

Some time before or after the event in the last paragraph happened, I went to my aunt's graduation at Minute Maid Park. It used to be called Reliant I think, or maybe Enron, the point is orange soda is getting way too fucking powerful. Instead of using a real flag during the national anthem, they decided to use the scoreboard to produce a waving flag...seriously. It was the most patriotic LED display I had seen in years. Also, they were nice enough to have the lyrics play over the flag, you know, in case you moved to the US and graduated in less than a month and had never heard the national anthem before.

While sitting there, bored off my ass (what does that even mean?), I made patronizing conversations with the people around me and noticed a sign being held up by some other folks in another section. After reading it three times and asking my sister to read it out loud to me to make sure I read it right, I was sure that it read "Congrats Colors!!" I have no fucking clue what they were trying to say with that message, but it sounds to me like they are much more racist than myself...hell, they didn't even think any other race but their own could have the ability to graduate.

One day not immediately after or before the previous event, I was in my minimester class. The first day I had the honor of sitting between two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my left, and two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my right. I proceeded to think about the good old days when they had to sit in a different classroom and drink from different water fountains, but stopped when I realized I was getting a nostalgia erection.

In the same class, on a different day, a different seat and a different circumstance causing my erection, I found what you would call a terrorist. An Indian kid sitting in front and to the left of me was on his lappy, looking at videos of nuclear bomb testing and explosions on Google Video. Because he's dark brown and has a Slumdog Millionaire accent, I knew he wasn't a terrorist, but because we're in Texas, I knew that motherfucker was probably Obama Bin Laden's son. Even his name sounded fishy...Jason, I think it was...maybe Josh, or Jordan...probably not the latter, since that's more oriented towards tall white guys and black folk.

While I was in line to pay for something I was going to buy at Academy I noticed a little item called an "Ultra Thin Pedometer," which, as it turns out, is NOT a device that tells you how many times you've created a crime that would label you as a pedophile, designed for skinny people. Yeah, I was disappointed too.

I hope you all enjoyed this update, I'll make sure to keep up with this thing from now on, although I'm not sure if it'll continue to be updated Mondays. Until next week, remember: You can attempt something great and fail, or you can attempt nothing and wear comfortable pants.