Thursday, December 31, 2009
For now, I really hope every guy gets hit dick wet on New Years tonight...consensually. Also, I hope no girls get raped either, I can't imagine what it'd be like to start your New Year's by being raped. Granted, this is something I joke about often, but you gotta admit, it's fucked up.
Alright, enough serious talk, go get some holiday pussy and if you don't go out and see Avatar in 3D, I hope you get raped tonight...at 1am.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Line of the Week: Shocking Surprise Of The Morning -The direct translation of the Korean title of Edgar Wright's 'Shaun of the Dead'
Sunday consisted of waking up super late, getting some food, doing some various tasks and then heading downtown with my friend Lauryn to the Deadmau5 concert. This may not strike anyone as impressive, but then again, anyone can be an idiot. We got there a few minutes before he was supposed to come on but were treated to a fan-fucking-tastic opener that laid down some great tracks like (my favorite) Floating by Jape and One Above One by Vitalic. Then Deadmau5 came on and rocked our fucking world by kicking it off with FML and moving through his songs while hitting the crowd favorites like Ghosts and Stuff, The Reward is More Cheese and a mashup of Muse and Daft Punk. We made sure to get up front for optimum ear-numbness and went all out.
I think my favorite parts were two events completely unrelated to the music. The first is called Technosex, which describes the people who were behind me and to the left that were making out, as in she was leaning into him while facing me and he was leaning back with his tongue in her mouth and his hand down her shirt, it was very fun to watch in my lack of sobriety and couldn't help but laugh. The second is less amusing and consists of a fat asian lady, like at least 27 years old, with two guys mind you, came up behind me, put her arms around me and started rubbing my arms and kind of dry humping until I grabbed her wrists and pushed her back as I looked at her friends with a look that said "Dude...seriously? Get your fat whore off me while I'm trying to enjoy this fucking concert or I'll punch her in the face and then weave quickly through the crowd so you can't find me, mkay?" Yeah, she didn't bother me after that.
I was eating Jack in the Box on Monday and guess what happened? Yeah, they fucked up and replaced my cheeseburger for a regular burger, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ORDERED AN ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER (#5). I ate it but I was definitely NOT happy. The best part was that in the middle of my rage (Read: Temper-tantrum), I received a call to my house phone from who else than what the caller ID described as "Food for the Poor", so I picked it up, hung up (down?) and walked away like the Hulk, except without pants...don't judge me, I wanted to get comfortable.
I would like to take this opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity to address some people that have been stealing oxygen molecules for far too long...
Dear you: stop using "frickin" instead of "fucking." I took a poll of the world and guess what? No one, and I mean NO ONE, is impressed by your ability to not curse and simultaneously sound childish AND retarded...that is all.
I went to a screening of Precious on Tuesday, and as the theater began to fill, I looked down at the reserved seats and noticed that it doubled as the "White person section" and something in my body lept up with happiness, almost as if I expected it and was glad to see I was right. Also, I kept on thinking the theater was empty, but when I went to sit down in an empty seat, there was already someone there, it's as if they had camouflage on that prevented them from being seen in the dark...weird...
Hey, do you like Brett Ratner, the director of such "films" as The Family Man, Rush Hour 3, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand? Me neither! Without further ado, I present to you: Ratnerfilms!!
A couple friends and I went to San Marcos for the weekend and on the way back, we saw a bunch of American flags being flown at half-staff and we figured it was because of the shooting at Ft. Hood. I got to thinking though, how long will that last? What's the standard time to wait after soldiers have been killed before you're allowed to raise the flag all the way up? Is it one day per dead soldier? What if it's someone of a higher rank? Do they get 2-3 days? These are the questions that keep me up at night...why aren't these things posted on billboards across America? I think the people have the right to know!!
Then, a girl in my Psychology class was wearing a hoodie today that said "Navy Girlfriend" on it. That's it. Nothing else...just "Navy Girlfriend." Umm, is that supposed to impress some 9 year old, because I don't get it. As soon as I saw it, two things came to mind:
- You're a Navy girlfriend? Awesome!! Goodluck getting that "Navy Wife" hoodie when all members of that branch are gay, lulz.
- Really? JUST a Navy Girlfriend? That means you can't commit to someone who's fighting for our country or you're just a cock-tease, either way, no one cares.
That's about it, I might be sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I might also not be, you'll never know. I'll leave you with two of my favorite videos on YouTube as of the moment I saw them. The first is a real presentation at TED and the second is a beautiful example of how important Interpersonal Communication really is:
Monday, November 2, 2009
Let the record state that every time you go to a restaurant, request a to-go box and forget to leave with it, DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU REQUESTED FOR ONE, a kid in Africa tries to cry, but can't because he's too dehydrated. You know what's even more sad and horrible? He's so dehydrated, that only salt comes out of his tear ducts. Then he has salt in his eyes and it scratches his cornea, so by the time he's our age (Assuming he makes it that long), he's practically blind...and that's the real life story of Ray Charles. The piano came in later.
Wouldn't it be funny if every time someone said "baby pictures," people would automatically assume they were about to see pictures taken by that person at a very young age, not that they were about to be shown pictures of useless and selfish "human beings?" I think it would be HI-larious.
My 19 year-old and about 4'11" short friend (1 inch from legally being a midget, lulz), lets call her Vicky, because that's her name, recently let the news out that she washes her hair with a shampoo by the name of Johnson & Johnson. That's right kids, a little Asian girl the size of two fat (NOT phat) babies, washes her fragile little hair with BABY shampoo....it's level of fragility probably due to her height, or lack thereof. There's no real reason for me to bring this up except for public ridicule...oh, and her hair looked like it was raped by a rake. Not only that, but she came into work, knowing full well that I would not let it go. Any chance I got, I would ask around to see if anyone had one of those famous Chi hair straighteners and when people accused me of being mean, I proceeded to remind them that she was the mean one by forcing us to have to look at that hair. Needless to say that it was a quite enjoyable night for myself, my friends and anyone with a sense of humor. Vicky, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that my sister has a Chi and you can come over anytime, preferably now though, and get that shit fixed!
A couple new terms to add to my list of words/sayings:
- Grenade - The ugly friend of a hott chick...or just any ugly chick, as in "Well you owe me since I totally jumped on that grenade for you last week!"
- Bomb - The fat ugly friend
- Whale - The fat not but ugly friend
Since there's more than enough impostors to go around on the 31st, do real hookers and whores dress in normal clothes & go to Chili's for Halloween?
Now I know many of you were wondering what I decided to be for Halloween. I had a list of all my possible options but I threw it away only minutes after making it because I realized I had only one option, and it was staring me in the face as I looked at my computer. Dr McNinja. Now I don't usually carry a camera around, and Halloween was no different, so here's a few pictures of myself, taken from friends and other friends:
- Getting a divorce - The most primal way to say "You fail...at love..."
- Getting caught farting in public - Then you're no longer the ass people want to be around...so sad...
- My computer exploding - Do you know how long it takes to download 8.6 gigs of MILF and GangBang porn? FUCK!!
- Vicky's hair - It looks like she got beat w/a rake. She needs some baby shampoo or a straightener ASAP!!
- Destroying your life and any chance of attaining happiness...more commonly known as pregnancy...
- Getting in a fight...no joke here, I would lose to anyone older then 13 years old.
- World of Warcraft...I'm pretty sure that if you have a character higher than a lvl20, you turn into a virgin again.
- Girls who don't give head - What do you do on dates then? Hug aggressively? Talk about how not turned-on you are?
- Accidentally eating human flesh - Charlie said you get addicted...umm, no thanks.
- Farting during sex - My body doesn't have the control to thrust and keep it quiet at the same time, so I have no clue what would happen, I just know I'd be terrified and that it would be bad for everyone involved.
Lately I've been trying to be more fit or whatever, which consists of waking up an hour earlier to work out but still eating Jack in the Box for lunch. I'm currently averaging at like 500 crunches and 150 push-ups a day, which, for someone of my stature, is surprising. You see, I didn't hit 100lbs until the second semester of my sophomore year of high school and despite being 6ft tall and 21 years old, I weigh 133lbs. I know, right? Recently, my friends and I have been talking about crazy ways to work out and although I normally wouldn't share this kind of stuff because it's pretty gay to share workout tips, this one just felt right. We call it Baby Crushing. Partly because it's a funny name, but mostly because it literally involves the crushing of infants. It's a little bit hard to explain, but here goes.
First, you make a conveyor belt that feeds babies from the basket of babies you've collected to a proper disposal area. Haflway between those two points, you place a handle on both sides of the conveyor belt so when you grab them, it's rolling under you, in the direction from your feet to your head. You place your hands on the handles and as the conveyor belt passes under you, it should stop, allowing you to pull yourself downward onto the unsuspecting baby and pull as hard as you can until you crush it. Then, once you've pushed yourself all the way up, the belt moves and brings you another baby. Keep in mind that you should do about 15 babies a set, and 2 to 3 sets a day. Want to know the best part? Not only are you helping control the already out-of-control population issue, you're looking great while doing it. Do you have any new or custom work out ideas? Let me know and if they're good enough, I'll put them in my next update!
Did you know that the only reason the lyrics for the Ghostbusters theme song were "Who ya gonna call?" was because of the technology available when it was being written? Ghostbusters 2 was supposed to say "Who ya gonna fax?", Ghostbusters: The Game was "Who ya gonna text?" and Ghostbuster 3 will feature a new version of the original song, except it will say "Who ya gonna tweet?" I hope you're just as excited as I am!!
I was having sex recently and needless to say, I was not sober. Don't worry, I didn't fuck a grenade/bomb/whale or anything, I just had a scare worthy of being shared. It wasn't anything special, it's simply an occurrence that virgins will never be able to appreciate, and you can't tell, but I'm pretending to be sad for them. Anyways, I was having sex and after what felt like an hour but was actually only like 40min, I cum and she gets off. Much to our surprise though, the condom has disappeared!! Due to our lack of sobriety, I immediately registered this as the coolest and scariest magic trick of all time and proceeded to imagine the most subtle way I could punch her in the stomach and still get some more in the future. A couple seconds later, I realized where it could have gone and told her to check "up there." She proceeds to reach back into her vagina and pull out a condom that was indeed, full of my awesome discharge. She gets rid of it while I laugh and put on my clothes simultaneously and the night pretty much ends. Hopefully next time it won't be so scary!!
Anydoozle, that's about all my mind-grapes can conjure up at this time, so I'll leave you with one of the most insane and vulgar comedians I've ever heard and a song by a great writing staff I would love to be a part of:
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Line of The Week: "If you can barely afford the abortion, how you gonna raise a child?" -@bethatasitmay
As most of ya'll know, I went to San Marcos a couple weekends ago and here's an overview of what went down.
- Waited all goddamn day for friends, one was gay, the other two were girls who probably forgot something...so basically I was going with 3 women and my friend Dan.
- Went to eat at a Chinese food place that serves food that's like a fried-rice orgasm in your stomach, fucking amazing.
- We finally left and my driver can't fucking drive over 60mph apparently, so after we pull over for some gas, Dan drives while I proceed to jam to my iPod and pregame since we still have a while.
- We finally arrive and surprisingly enough, it's actually a bustling party complete with a fat chick and a slut with a fucked up spine, horrible skin and grating voice that has a thing for giraffes (My shirt had a giraffe, courtesy of TEZ Clothing) so I told her I was gay with my friend Morgan and walked away.
- More friends arrive after the fire in my throat is at it's peak and lots of talking, some 3-way kissing b/c we were in the 90s apparently and joking commences until abortion comes into the picture, then it's literally nothing but crying and laughing as more is consumed and people start to leave. It eventually hits 3-something-am and I pass the fuck out.
- I woke up to a dog in an adjacent room literally running full force into the door to be let out because it's owner, the fat whale, left for the weekend. I go to take a piss and see who's up (Everyone for at least 20min apparently, eh, fuck 'em, I like sleep) and look to my friend who's harvesting his crops on farmville on Facebook, which is like WoW for sad people who aren't good at real video games.
- After a shower, we hit up this awesome Mexican food place and then go to the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin to watch Paranormal Activity, but since I'm with people who don't appreciate film we get there 5min before it starts, only to see a line out the door for it. Despite my annoyingly arrogant and persistent advice against doing it, we get tickets anyway, only to refund them minutes later, FUCK YOU.
- Instead of watching another movie we go to this area where people buy vintage clothes for their shitty band's shows, gourmet cupcakes that cost too much for being all sorts of annoying and complicated and some place that sold candy and milkshakes which was pretty cool.
- We all sleep on the way back to San Marcos and then chill and once again eliminate our sobriety before we get our food on at this place called The Getaway.
- Our waitress was like an unfunny Megan Mullaly who made so many mistakes with our food that I was literally speechless. I did, however, eat one of the most delicious grilled chicken sandwiches and chocolate cakes I ever have in my entire life.
- After the food, everyone goes back to the house to get stuff for the night and me and Dan go one street over to a comedy club where some of my favorite Houston comics are performing: Deadbeat Comedy Club, consisting of Mark Hurtado, Frank Garcia, Theodore Taylor, John Gard and Keith Manning. It was great to hear their sets again with new jokes thrown in and I finally got me some Stella Artois for the first time in weeks...such a great fucking beer.
- We then headed back to the apartment and chilled until my comedian friends hit me up. Knowing it'd at least be funnier than what I was doing at the time, me and a friend went to their hotel room and got fucked up while watching people getting rightfully attacked by wild animals until almost 4am. Then we left and made it back to the apartment just in time to pass out again.
- This time I wasn't actually woken up by a dog, but by friends joking about donuts. Knowing they would probably get a craving for them, I texted them my order, to which they laughed at because they weren't going to go, and I went back to sleep. I was woken up an hour later telling me my donuts were here so I smiled as I got up and proceeded scarf those mofos down.
- We got our stuff ready and played some a shitty game of Apples to Apples until we got tired of it and watched Monster's Inc. until like 2, when we finally left to get some lunch.
- I think the name of the place we ate at was literally "Cafe in the square" and was filled with that exact same level of pretentiousness as the name. The food was alright and the old perverted guy behind us in the line to pay was pretty funny because I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I just assumed he wanted to fuck all the girls and have them stroke his grey pubic hairs with their teeth or something, so he was alright in my book.
- We left and I slept as much as I could on the way home, where I finally got to sit down at my computer and....study.
I don't know, about you, but sometimes I like to put a water bottle in my cup holder, put my hand on the top of it and pretend that my car is a stick-shift and make shifting noises while I drive. Awesome? Yes, I think so. I told this to a friend of mine and his reply was that "its[sic] better when you really do have a stick." I used to do it with a real stick but people with bigger cars kept on giving me dirty looks when I used my penis.
I realize that I already have a bucket list, as well as a list of new phrases/words/definitions, but I'd like to make another one. This one will essentially just be the simple list of names I will never name my children, some with an explanation why.
- Sherman - Sounds like a turtle's name
- Marshall - This is no longer the 1960s
- Rusty - This is no longer the 1980s
- Brian - Too much hair...always too much fucking hair
- Alexandra/Alexander/Alexis - People will call him/her Alex
- Drake - GAYYYYYYYYYYYY
- Katie/Cadie/Katy - Because no one can spell it correctly
- Miranda - Does this really need any explanation?
- Brianna - That's a fat or black person's name...umm, no thanks.
- Stan/Stanley - I don't want my kid to be a virgin until he's 43
During one of those times where you're just bored and letting your mind wander, I thought of a world where everyone was always rude, vulgar and honest. I can only imagine that the movies in that world would be restricted and rated based on how nice they were. Compliments would give them a PG-13, while a hug or a kiss would give them a pretty hard R-rating. I assume that the NC-17 would be saved for anything with tears or consensual sex...can you imagine?
That's it for now, it seems I have to write a paper and review of Amelia sometime soon...and in case you're wondering, it sucked and is looking worse and worse as I reflect on it. I'll leave you with two videos. The first is from Miles Fisher, a comedian with the greatest impersonations of Tom Cruise and Christian Bale. The second is from actor Peter Serafinowicz, doing even better impersonations of Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro and, my personal favorite, Kevin Spacey. Enjoy.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I would like to submit a Public Service Announcement to all filmmakers in the entire world: KILL MOAR KIDS!!
- Pornical - This is a hybrid of porn+logical, and basically encompasses all logic used in porn. Like the Line of the Week above, I watched a porn where this chick catches this guy dressed as the Hamburgaler stealing china and shit from her parent's house and she says the aformentioned line...the best way to describe it? Simple pornical.
- Get your fuck on - No new definition, it's just funnier than saying you're going to fuck someone.
- Dicking - Similar to the last one, you should just use it A LOT more often.
- Faded - I have no clue where or how I thought this one up, it just means that something is chill. Like, if you're smoking some ridiculous make-you-2nd-grade-retarded-high, you can say "Damn man, that shit's faded."
- Mether - This is to describe anything that's more ridiculous, crazy or energetic...as if you were on meth. "Man that rollercoaster was badass but this ICEE is mether!"
- Jewche - This is Jew+douche, creating an all new type of insult that brings them down to a pitiful level of self-esteem.
In my History class last week, my teacher asked us "What is welfare?" So I raised my hand and before he even picked me, I naturally responded with "...umm, my weed money... " That was one of the few times where everyone got the joke and then looked around to see who else was looking around to see who smoked weed...twas hilarious.
I was at a Quincenera a couple weekends ago and the dj eventually caved in and felt it necessary to play the Casper Slide. It's a song that tells you what to do, how often to do it and when to do it. The thing is, someone always claps a little faster than everyone else and fucks it all up...the best part however, is that there's also that one guy who gets unusually pissed at that person. He's really easy to spot too, he's the guy talking to his friend, saying things like "AHHH, COME ON!! Every goddamn time! Jesus man, I'm trying to get my fucking groove on to show off how smooth I can cha-cha to these chicks and you're throwing off my rhythm!"
Have you ever gone to karaoke bar and saw a black person not sing well? It really throw you off. I always feel like I should go up to them and say "Hey man, what happened up there? I thought all of you could sing? Maybe next time bro..."
Have you ever wished you could watch all those ridiculous accidents you drive by every day as they actually happened and maybe get to see someone transitioning from life to death? Me too!! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a dead baby!!!!!!
That's all for now. Granted, it's definitely one of my shorter updates but I've had the flu and I've been busy gearing up for this weekend. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to San Marcos to hang out with some collegiate friends of mine and I expect some blog-worthy events to occur and if they do, I promise I'll update this in two weeks at the most.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Line of the Week: We double-teamed his dick. -The most casual line ever said by the most spiritual gay guy I know...I laughed for almost 4min straight.
I'm really getting sick of people who talk about movies when they can't even tell you why they're good or bad. Similarly, I hate even the general audiences. They don't know what they want and they're too stupid to like anything. The common misconception is that critics hate every film out there. Let me present this argument. I talked to some people recently and a they all agreed on these films: WALL-E sucked and was boring because they didn't talk for the first 45min, but Inglourious Basterds sucked because it had too much talking, subtitles and nothing ever happened until the end. Assuming they wanted some cheesy dialogue they can quote over and over again, I asked them if they liked Transformers 2 and they said no, that it sucked because it was too long. So I figured they'd have to enjoyed Superbad and they complained about how vulgar it was. Four polar opposite films, three of them great, one of them horrible, I enjoyed the experience from seeing all four in theaters and a regular group of movie-goers hated all four. Fuck all of you, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. This is why I value my opinion over everyone else's when it comes to movies, because it's better and superior in every way.
I never realize how close I can really be to committing murder until I'm around someone who chews gum with their mouth open. Most of you will read this and assume I'm being my usual exaggerating self but you would be dead wrong. It's something that I consider worse than stealing, it's disgusting and if I could physically damage everyone who did I and get away with it, I very much would.
Because of 9/9/09, Threadless was selling every shirt for $9...too bad they ALL SUCK. Wearing one makes you instantly look like a douchebag. They can't even get decent models, look at the beer gut on this girl that apparently had Down's Syndrome:
or how about something between a midget and an ugly version of ratatouille:
Still not doing it for you? How about a fat girl that's too lazy to change the channel to one that's working? She's probably too tired from strapping on that emo headband:
My personal favorite is a two-parter, it features what Tina Fey/Lisa Ann/Sarah Palin would look like if they were ugly:
and the spitting image of our mediocre future of pale fat guys with unnaturally large noses:
I've been trying to get back to watching porn again since it has some of the funniest plots and acting I've ever seen in my life. Some guy was doing an Italian voice for his "character" but it ended up sounding like a gay Luigi. Then I started watching some other stuff and ended up getting three videos with uncircumcised penises...ugh. Can we all just agree that, not only are uncircumcised penises are disgusting, but that all porn featuring them should be limited to a website by the domain name of fuckingdisgusting.com? Then we can just leave it there for people who are weird and disgusting.
Knowing it's never failed me before, I switched over to the Yellow Fever channel and got some asian porn loaded up (pun fully intended). Then I remembered the single flaw about all asian porn: the women. Granted it's also it's strong point but I'm talking about how every asian girl getting fucked always moans/yells too loud to where you can tell it's painful and sometimes you swear you could see tears of pain come out and you kinda feel bad for feeling so good. If you're like me you obviously just power through it but it's something that never really leaves you...until you watch deaf porn...deaf girls moan so fucking loud, it's ridiculous!
I was in History the other day and my oh-so-wise proffesor was talking about race relations before the 20th century and he said the following statement: In the 1880s, the worst crime and black male could commit was rape. So I calmly put my hand up and replied "Ummm, isn't rape the worst crime ANYONE can commit?" Homero - 1, Professor - 0.
Since I'm in such a topical mood so I reckon I should comment on the national travesty that occurred only days after the worst 9/11 of all time...Kanye West had the balls to interrupt Taylor Swift during the VMAs. First of all, it's the VMAs...the fucking VMAs. Now that that's out of the way, Kanye West may have been a dick about it but it doesn't make it any less right. Once again, he was 100% correct, although I suppose that's beside the point. The point is, however, that everyone is going to hate him like they always do until his new album drops, and then they'll love him for the musical genius that he is, which is why I'm being NOT STUPID and continuing to listen to his badass songs while I keep on admiring him as an artist. Grow the fuck up; there are people who buy tickets to see movies like Sorority Row and you're worried about a couple celebrities? Fuck you.
Then Kelly Clarkson decided to write AN ENTIRE BLOG ENTRY about nothing but Kanye West and how much he disap-blah blah blah. Fuck you Kelly Clarkson! You're no one. You won the first season of a "reality" TV show, everyone knows the first person is always the weakest, they have nothing to be compared to and even the judges have no fucking clue what they're doing. Here's the best part, I'm from Texas, so are you...and I still fucking think you're a dumbshit. You're fat, you can't act, you can't write and your songs are annoying. Go back to Walmart and get yourself some pastries you fat cunt.
I will recognize that at least one good thing came from it...the start of the latest internet meme: Immaletyoufinish. I actually scrolled through and found some of my favorites to post today:
and my personal favorite:
In my Public (Pubic?) Speaking class, we had to give an introductory speech about ourselves, naturally, being fucking awesome, narcissistic and a stand up comic, I knocked that shit out of the park...and no, me using that saying doesn't make baseball any less retarded. Shortly after me went up some guy who feels like he tries too hard to be heard and goes onto say that he recently went to China. It was fine and boring like the rest of the speeches until he mentioned he went with his church group (cult?) and said, and I quote, "...and we did some crazy stuff" with an unnecessary emphasis on crazy. What kind of crazy stuff do church groups do? Convert people? Pray extra hard? Maybe that's called extreme praying though. Do they take shots of holy water and say things like "Geez brothers and sisters, I'm sooo blessed right now, I really should stop and turn the other cheek to every subsequent shot. Perhaps next time if my tolerance has improved."
Christian's are silly.
The other day I was thinking ahead...well..more like thinking OF head. True story mofos, everyDAY!!
Some friends and I went to movie theater to watch Inglourious Basterds again and some 7-year-old kid walked out of a nearby theater showing G-Force just in time for me to hear her say "ugh, it was alright but I thought Aliens in the Attic was MUCH better", I wanted to reply-had her family not been with her- "really?That's interesting because I thought an abortion would have been better than carrying you to term for comparing any kids movies as being better than another." She got away with that shit this time, but just wait...I'll find her again...
Before I go, I just want to let you know that sometimes, I sleep on blankets.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
One of those rare occurrences where I'm actually wrong happened recently, I was so unused to it it took me a while to get used to it. FuckMyLife is stupid, I'd much prefer a BlessMyLife site...then I saw there WAS one. FML is still stupid as shit but BML is MUCH funnier because of how pathetic it is. Instead of "I got inspired to blah blah blah", it should be something more along the lines of:
- Saw some chick with DDs changing in her apartment and her bra fell off as I was walking by. BML.
- May or may not have caused the accident that killed the cop that gave me my only ticket. BML.
- I tripped and fell into a vagina that wasn't fat or ugly!! BML.
- I recently decided to look up my ex-girlfriends on Facebook and found only two, one had a child and the other gained about 40lbs...all I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't stick around to see those train wrecks occur. BML
Sometime during my foray into the horrible invention of summer school, I, keyword, I, accidentally locked MY keys inside of MY car. I didn't realize this until I got to my car and reached into my pocket, much to my surprise, althuogh I was lucky to find a business card of the campus police or whatever on my windshield. After calling it and going to the Officer's Office, he tells me that I'm going to get a citation for leaving my keys inside my car...I AM getting written up for leaving MY keys inside of MY car. Of course I didn't say that, I simply nodded my head and fought to hold back my tears of intimidation of the power of the campus police but I was in complete disbelief. I literally have no ending to this except that I couldn't believe that in my car, right now, is a paper saying I'm not allowed to leave MY keys inside MY car again or else I have to pay money to get them back...
I read somewhere, or nowhere, that laughter is the best calorie-burner...this explains why the people who've never read my blog are fat. It's also probably because I've recently installed a fat filter.
My biology teacher said "Humans are chemotrophs, which means you get your nutrients from..." to which I replied "Jack in the Box"...no one laughed but I ended up getting Jack in the Box after class, so I win.
A few Saturdays ago, I went to a strip club with a coworker and manager from work. Because she was 19 we had to sneak her in through the back where apparently all the black people hang out near the cars. Then, once we got in, we were informed it was a slow night (Only 62 girls) and there were a plentiful amount of creepy as motherfuckers. They walk up to one of the stages, stand their silently, trying and failing to hold their mouth closed, throw out the occasional bill and sit back down. If I hadn't been laughing so hard at how pathetic they were, I probably would've felt bad for them. Also, one of the managers began explaining how they hired girls, telling them how much weight they needed to lose, how bad their complexion is and how younger they need to look to even be allowed in.
The next day I messed around with a girl and because it was extremely spontaneous, it escalated rather quickly and long story short, I had no place to cum...a very sad day for my penis, folks. Sure I could've wasted a condom but I knew the following week was the last week of summer and having not worked much lately, I needed to save as much money as possible so I ended up having to fill a ziploc bag and later dumped it in one of those drainage pipes. Luxurious? No. Efficient? Yes. Hilarious? Very much so, and it gave me something to share with everyone here!
The following Thursday I went to Mexico and, thanks to my trusty G1, was able to catalog every thought and whim as it occured to me, just for this blog.
I was at the airport and it was announced that jokes were unacceptable in reference to the security system they have in place. I asked the check-in lady if it was ok if the joke was REALLY funny, like chike on your own laughter and maybe some urine comes out, like, not enough to stain anything but enough to wonder if anyone can tell...she smiled as she tried to hide her smile and forced out a no but I know she wanted the funny. some of the stores got me thinking that they should advertise more bluntly. For instance, Sharper Image: For homosexuals who like spending money on batteries. Also, there was a golf store that prominently featured cardigans on stands in the hallway. It was called In Celebration of Golf, although it should've been more like In Celebration of Gay!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha, fuck you, I laughed.
I can't be the only one who secretly uses his cellphone as much as possible in/around terminals in hopes of seeing my first plane crash...
I also saw a pretty uncommon number of black people traveling (2+), and to be honest, I was surprised. I didn't know black people traveled for reasons aside from a death in the family or to follow Lil Wayne on tour. Also, when I got to the resort, I realized I must have never received the memo about cellulite being "in" because there was enough of it in a 10 square foot radius on any part of the beach to sustain a country in Africa for six days.
The resort itself was alright, nothing special, but what really made it interesting was the people. Almost every person was a douchebag, white trash, fat or Mexican...it reminded me a lot of a flea market that smells like the beach. One thing I did like however, was that they had wristbands to determine who was old enough to drink alcohol and who was not. Although I had fun looking at the mediocre girls and going "Jailbait, jailbait, jailbait, fat, jailbait, oooh...good to go..." Also, it had a special event every night and the first night turned out to be karaoke. Some little girl sang Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On and because she didn't have any pubic hair or whatever, the crowd went insane for her. I was obviously not impressed, I mean we see this shit on America's Got "Talent" every Tuesday and Wednesday 9/8 Central on NBC, why don't you stop copying everyone and do something original? While you're at it, take those braids out of your hair, you look stupid...even for a 9-year-old.
You know what's cuter than a limp baby that's sleeping? No baby what-so-ever! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha, no, seriously, fuck you.
One thing that may surprise people about Mexico was that it was actually not as hot as Houston and despite being near the beach, also less humid. I know this because when I got off the plane and got back it felt like...well...think of it like this: You know how it feels to have your ball be so sweaty/sticky it attaches itself to your inner thigh? I feel like I'm a ball everytime I go outside an air conditioned building in this town. Also, I feel like I'm always getting stuck to buildings because they're sweating as well and I'm stuck there for 15min before someone becomes the hand that reaches down their pants and frees me. I can't wait for hell to freeze over, maybe that will help the conditions up here somewhat.
First day of Fall Semester 2009 was rather uneventful but I figured I'd throw in some stuff worth mentioning. I had another class but nothing interesting happened.
The Hispanic chick, appropriately and horribly named Bianca, wrote that her favorite movie of all time was Step Brothers...OF ALL TIME...
We got candy, which I gobbled up, and the only thing that registered the entire day was that myteacher said "If I was allowed to teach this entire class using only Seinfeld clips, I would."...I almost cried tears of joy.
I had a substitute on the first day, so you can picture him, he looked like a gay Bill Gates with a buzz cut on a receding hairline...
I have a MILF for a teacher, she's from Norway and despite having 3 kids in high school and being 48, she's almost as delicious as Jane Seymour.
I'm very excited to end this update because I get to show you all a string of videos that simultaneously gave me a pain in my chest from laughing and an erection. I give you the XXX parodies. That's right, porn parodies of your favorite TV shows, and Friends apparently. Featuring our favorite porn stars, Lisa Ann, Jenna Haze and blah blah blah. Here they are, watch them and enjoy!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit
Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content none of you want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.
Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.
I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.
I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.
Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.
I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:
- You're under 18
- You're pregnant
- You're less than a 5
- You're blind
- You have children with you
- You have cancer
- You have any kind of STD
- You small bad
- You drive a Hummer
- You have "bling"
- You have more than 1 visible tattoo
- You don't have 2 working legs
Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they never forget.
I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).
I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.
Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.
As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.
- Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
- Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
- Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
- Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
- Lightly hit a girl on her nose with my penis...and then have her sneeze, followed by laughter on both sides.
- Wear a condom for an entire day and then use it later that night and surprise the girl with my amazing level of preparation.
That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love:
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Did you know that wood cutting and circumcisions are basically the same thing? It's cutting something long and hard to make it more accessible for everyone.
On that note, I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates with a list of excuses of why the lack of update:
- My hand hurt, like a bunch of times.
- People are boring.
- My jaw feels weird.
- I went to Mexico for three days.
- I've been working and stuff.
- Drugs and Alcohol are my most important vices.
- I bought some foreign films.
- I'm too popular and people don't leave me alone to hang out with them.
- I can't turn down horny chicks.
- I refuse to do a 3 paragraph update.
- My laptop is messing up
Lately I've been wanting to do some kinky stuff like go to the house of the guy who owns every mustard ever made and replace each bottle with that yellow ketchup they've invented for kids...I don't know if people can die from sadness, but I'm sure willing to try!
I watched Star Trek a few times and REALLY liked it, but it felt really familiar. Most of the beginning is the introduction to the characters, but after a planet implodes, shit just hits the fan. At one point, Kirk gets marooned on Hoth to talk to Yoda because Degobah was just destroyed, so they talk to Obi Wan and he gets him on his way. Oh, and at some point they're meeting up with the Rebel Alliance, only to find out that it was a trap...such fools! If only Admiral Ackbar was there to warn them...
I may have mentioned something about my stalker before, but this time, it's serious...ly awesome! I was getting off work when I got the usual text from her asking what I was up to. I was about to go do a bunch of homework for my last week of classes before finals so I sent "About to go rape my homework three different ways, you?" Where most chicks would send an acknowledgement and stop messaging me, she promptly replied with "You could rape me, lol." Yes, this is 100% true and this is my life. Some of you already may know this story because I've been telling everyone to now call me "The Consensual Rapist." I think it has a nice ring to it, and it fits me and a couple coworkers' motto "It's not sex if there's no tears."
Here's a less-than-mediocre survey someone made on/for Facebook and despite it not being as funny as the one I did when I first started this site, I already filled it out and I'm not going to throw away any more minutes of my life. It's a "Have you ever..." type of survey so read it accordingly:
Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes, some I even kissed with my penis!
Been arrested? No, I don't get caught.
Solicited sex? Not yet.
Been solicited by another? Yes.
Kissed someone you didn't like? She had big tits.
Slept in until 5 PM? No, I do shit with my life.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held a snake? No
Ran a red light? No
Been suspended from school? No
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No, and who the hell says "motorbike?" I've never heard anyone say "motorbike" and continued to listen to them.
Been fired from a job? Again, I don't get caught.
Sang karaoke? Yes, Afroman - Because I Got High...
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No, the only obstacle in my life is physics and rape and murder being illegal.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, my body does what I tell it to do, WHEN I tell it to.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Who cares.
Kissed in the rain? This is stupid.
Played strip poker? I'm amazed I've gotten this far.
Flown on a plane? Yes
Been on a cruise? I bet the person who made this survey thinks I Love Lucy caused the current destruction of morality in society....
Have any regrets in life? Hahahaha......no, I shine like gold, mofo.
Sang in the shower? Among many other things, Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Please rephrase the question, I'm not sure what it means.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Again, I have no clue what this means.
Broken a bone? No
Cracked a bone? That's practically the same goddamn thing as the last one.
Shaved your head? No, I have a big penis, I don't need to compensate.
Blacked out from drinking? Oh. My. God. Yes...Russian chicks are fucking awesome.
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Haha, talk about a loaded question.
Made your girlfriend cry? Not unless she deserved it.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Fuck you, you racist.
Been in a band? No.
Shot a gun? Yes...oh, wait, just shot it at no one? No.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not yet.
Donated Blood? I've yet to find someone, aside from Jane Seymour and Maureen Dowd, that meets the specifications required for me to give them life.
Eaten alligator meat? Only if that's what Chicken McNuggets are made of...mmmmmm.
Eaten kangaroo meat? Who the fuck thought this would be a good question?
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? This actually managed to be worse than the cracked/broken bones one. I really hope the creator of this survey is in a hospital ER that has run out of morphine...
As you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill and had to move chairs from one theater to another because we're too cheap to get new chairs when another one of my great ideas hit me in my mind-grapes like my great ideas tend to do: I should open up a handicapped-only movie theater, that way, I would cut down maintenance and production costs by never having to install any seats! Everyone would be in their own wheelchair and if you only had like a cast, you'd be required to bring your own chair. But you'd have to be separate from the REAL cripples...I think I could be the first business owner to establish handicapped segregation and would probably get a trophy or a fancy medal for doing so.
My sister recently graduated high school and because I couldn't get out of attending, I decided to spread my discontent through the magic of Twitter. Here's all the entries I sent and around what time I sent them...as you can guess, they were very popular on Facebook:
3:23 - The band began practicing the Indiana Jones theme song and a girl below me turned to her family in disgust and said: Ugh, it's Star Wars...
3:29 - Note to Future Wife: If you chew gum with your mouth open, I WILL break your jaw...but know that it's only because I love you.
3:46 - Not too bad so far, really loving the amount of MILFs I'm seeing...and yes, that includes some of the teachers...
3:51 - Some ROTC kids were introduced to remember their classmates...apparently some students died doing geometry homework or something.
3:57 - The valedictorian asked all to pray & 3 different babies began crying...proof that even in our uncorrupted youth, we know something's up...
4:05 - Note to Possible Future Daughter: Chew gum during graduation and your college money is going to buy me my own Great American Cookie store...
4:11 - Haha, the Asian kids have the least amount of cheers because Chinese people are so quiet...if only they had a cheer app on their iPhones...
4:14 - Awww, black kids get the loudest cheers because most of them don't graduate...so sad...
4:20 - Despite those long robes doing their best, you can still notice the ugly truth of childhood obesity...for shame...
4:35 - I really want two kids to have the same exact name and have their families cheer for the wrong kid, haha.
4:39 - Some kid had the last name, Mistry, and it sounded JUST like Mystery, which would be a fucking badass last name!!
4:54 - While most people Twitter movies, E3 or special events, I do high school graduations For The epic Wolf...I'm the news anchor of mediocrity!
5:19 - In conclusion, graduations are a melting pot for people from all over the world with too much makeup and attitude.
Maybe it's just me but I love how peeing in the shower is one of those rare and beautiful moments in life where you feel both clean and dirty at the same time...so magical...
I've been thinking about it a lot and I genuinely can't decide who I despise more, fat people or people who baby-talk to babies. For your information, your kids are mediocre because you made dolphin sounds to them until they were five. Parents are fucking stupid.
Like I stated earlier, I went to Monterrey where not much happened except getting three wisdom teeth removed...yeah, it fucking sucked. You know what's worse though? I couldn't eat solids and wasn't allowed to lift anything or stay up late...like a baby or elderly person, although in my case it's probably an insane elderly person with a severe case of senility. The only good thing that came out of the trip, aside from the drugs, was the time I had to myself to think those crazy thoughts that make everyone laugh.
I pulled an all-nighter the day before we left so I would sleep while everyone else drove, and only woke up to eat Burger King. One thing I noticed about eating on road trips is how unhappy everyone is while they're eating. A car full of people my age drove by eating Whatburger and as every single one of them had their mouths full of cholesterol and fat, they simply looked off into the distance with the most depressed and self-loathing looks possible...a look that only Karen Carpenter would understand.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno is only now hitting theaters in Mexico under the title Let's Make a Porno, and the fantastic tagline: We should all make one... Gotta love translations.
The surgeries weren't too bad except the first and third one, where the dentist used twelve, that's right, twelve different tools to take out one tooth. It was absolutely insane. Milk - 1, Contemporary Medicine - 0. Similarly, but not, I never realized how awesome it felt to spit up blood. Immediately after my surgery I kept on hoping someone would walk in the office looking for a fight so I could spit out some blood and say "So you're the next guy? eh, alright."
I also learned that I hate dubbed movies more than anything else in the world, and that's including girls who don't swallow or people who think barbed-wire tattoos are hardcore. I highly recommend you burn the next person you see watching one.
Due to the fact that I was in minor pain, which I hate, the entire I weekend, I figured it would be as good a time as any other to start a bucket list. Now, I only have a few entries so far, but believe you me(I don't know what that means either), I'll be working on it.
- Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
- Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
- Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
- Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex because it doesn’t belong in a Rolodex!