Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Day 72

It's not racist if it's funny...

Line of the Week: Shocking Surprise Of The Morning -The direct translation of the Korean title of Edgar Wright's 'Shaun of the Dead'

I was 'relaxing' with a friend after work on Saturday and as he ate his sushi, his dog came up and tried to eat it, promoting him to ask me "Can dogs have fish?" I proceeded to understand that as him asking me whether or not dogs could legally own fish, so I asked him "Is it really that big a deal? I suppose they can, but if they can't then if someone comes over looking for fish-ownership papers, you can just say they're yours...why?" There's really no ending to this story, except that we ended up laughing about it for a good four to six, you gotta love happiness.

Sunday consisted of waking up super late, getting some food, doing some various tasks and then heading downtown with my friend Lauryn to the Deadmau5 concert. This may not strike anyone as impressive, but then again, anyone can be an idiot. We got there a few minutes before he was supposed to come on but were treated to a fan-fucking-tastic opener that laid down some great tracks like (my favorite) Floating by Jape and One Above One by Vitalic. Then Deadmau5 came on and rocked our fucking world by kicking it off with FML and moving through his songs while hitting the crowd favorites like Ghosts and Stuff, The Reward is More Cheese and a mashup of Muse and Daft Punk. We made sure to get up front for optimum ear-numbness and went all out.

I think my favorite parts were two events completely unrelated to the music. The first is called Technosex, which describes the people who were behind me and to the left that were making out, as in she was leaning into him while facing me and he was leaning back with his tongue in her mouth and his hand down her shirt, it was very fun to watch in my lack of sobriety and couldn't help but laugh. The second is less amusing and consists of a fat asian lady, like at least 27 years old, with two guys mind you, came up behind me, put her arms around me and started rubbing my arms and kind of dry humping until I grabbed her wrists and pushed her back as I looked at her friends with a look that said "Dude...seriously? Get your fat whore off me while I'm trying to enjoy this fucking concert or I'll punch her in the face and then weave quickly through the crowd so you can't find me, mkay?" Yeah, she didn't bother me after that.

I was eating Jack in the Box on Monday and guess what happened? Yeah, they fucked up and replaced my cheeseburger for a regular burger, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ORDERED AN ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER (#5). I ate it but I was definitely NOT happy. The best part was that in the middle of my rage (Read: Temper-tantrum), I received a call to my house phone from who else than what the caller ID described as "Food for the Poor", so I picked it up, hung up (down?) and walked away like the Hulk, except without pants...don't judge me, I wanted to get comfortable.

I would like to take this opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity to address some people that have been stealing oxygen molecules for far too long...
Dear you: stop using "frickin" instead of "fucking." I took a poll of the world and guess what? No one, and I mean NO ONE, is impressed by your ability to not curse and simultaneously sound childish AND retarded...that is all.

I went to a screening of Precious on Tuesday, and as the theater began to fill, I looked down at the reserved seats and noticed that it doubled as the "White person section" and something in my body lept up with happiness, almost as if I expected it and was glad to see I was right. Also, I kept on thinking the theater was empty, but when I went to sit down in an empty seat, there was already someone there, it's as if they had camouflage on that prevented them from being seen in the dark...weird...

Hey, do you like Brett Ratner, the director of such "films" as The Family Man, Rush Hour 3, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand? Me neither! Without further ado, I present to you: Ratnerfilms!!

A couple friends and I went to San Marcos for the weekend and on the way back, we saw a bunch of American flags being flown at half-staff and we figured it was because of the shooting at Ft. Hood. I got to thinking though, how long will that last? What's the standard time to wait after soldiers have been killed before you're allowed to raise the flag all the way up? Is it one day per dead soldier? What if it's someone of a higher rank? Do they get 2-3 days? These are the questions that keep me up at night...why aren't these things posted on billboards across America? I think the people have the right to know!!

Then, a girl in my Psychology class was wearing a hoodie today that said "Navy Girlfriend" on it. That's it. Nothing else...just "Navy Girlfriend." Umm, is that supposed to impress some 9 year old, because I don't get it. As soon as I saw it, two things came to mind:
  1. You're a Navy girlfriend? Awesome!! Goodluck getting that "Navy Wife" hoodie when all members of that branch are gay, lulz.
  2. Really? JUST a Navy Girlfriend? That means you can't commit to someone who's fighting for our country or you're just a cock-tease, either way, no one cares.
While we're still making fun of people we "shouldn't" be, I overheard someone talking about how their friend or family member (Idk, the point is that his name was Greg) to someone else and they said "At least he's in a better place." Yes, I realize the cliche of that line but older white women aren't known for their creativity, mkay? Anyways, she said that and all I could think to myself was "Why did he not do anything over there?" Let's face it, whether you like it or not, all of America's soldiers that do their job (See: Kill brown motherfuckers), are not going to a "better place." Those guys, as lovable, patriotic and well-meaning as they may be, are going to hell to killing people. Now I've never read the bible, but people who have tell me time and time and time and time and time again that killing is a definite no-no. So no matter which way you look at it, those kids are getting sent to their doom in more ways than one.

That's about it, I might be sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I might also not be, you'll never know. I'll leave you with two of my favorite videos on YouTube as of the moment I saw them. The first is a real presentation at TED and the second is a beautiful example of how important Interpersonal Communication really is:

Oh, and some people ask me how I worked out to get in shape to be Dr. McNinja, to which I reply...with Marky Mark, of course!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Day 71 - Halloween

Maybe it's just me, but I love the unnecessary use of quotation marks...

Line of the Week: "Whatever, my penis touched her naked body" -The FB status of a friend of mine

Let the record state that every time you go to a restaurant, request a to-go box and forget to leave with it, DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU REQUESTED FOR ONE, a kid in Africa tries to cry, but can't because he's too dehydrated. You know what's even more sad and horrible? He's so dehydrated, that only salt comes out of his tear ducts. Then he has salt in his eyes and it scratches his cornea, so by the time he's our age (Assuming he makes it that long), he's practically blind...and that's the real life story of Ray Charles. The piano came in later.

Wouldn't it be funny if every time someone said "baby pictures," people would automatically assume they were about to see pictures taken by that person at a very young age, not that they were about to be shown pictures of useless and selfish "human beings?" I think it would be HI-larious.

My 19 year-old and about 4'11" short friend (1 inch from legally being a midget, lulz), lets call her Vicky, because that's her name, recently let the news out that she washes her hair with a shampoo by the name of Johnson & Johnson. That's right kids, a little Asian girl the size of two fat (NOT phat) babies, washes her fragile little hair with BABY's level of fragility probably due to her height, or lack thereof. There's no real reason for me to bring this up except for public ridicule...oh, and her hair looked like it was raped by a rake. Not only that, but she came into work, knowing full well that I would not let it go. Any chance I got, I would ask around to see if anyone had one of those famous Chi hair straighteners and when people accused me of being mean, I proceeded to remind them that she was the mean one by forcing us to have to look at that hair. Needless to say that it was a quite enjoyable night for myself, my friends and anyone with a sense of humor. Vicky, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that my sister has a Chi and you can come over anytime, preferably now though, and get that shit fixed!

A couple new terms to add to my list of words/sayings:
  • Grenade - The ugly friend of a hott chick...or just any ugly chick, as in "Well you owe me since I totally jumped on that grenade for you last week!"
  • Bomb - The fat ugly friend
  • Whale - The fat not but ugly friend

Since there's more than enough impostors to go around on the 31st, do real hookers and whores dress in normal clothes & go to Chili's for Halloween?

Now I know many of you were wondering what I decided to be for Halloween. I had a list of all my possible options but I threw it away only minutes after making it because I realized I had only one option, and it was staring me in the face as I looked at my computer. Dr McNinja. Now I don't usually carry a camera around, and Halloween was no different, so here's a few pictures of myself, taken from friends and other friends:

Here's Dr. McNinja giving someone the sarcastic "Yes! I AM interested in what you're talking about right now..."

Dr. McNinja wondering whether he should knock that mofo out for saying that Pirates of the Caribbean was better than Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtles.

Dr. McNinja keeping fit...those 6-packs don't come from god

"So I was strangling Gordito for eating my Sammie from Quiznos..."

Dr. McNinja entertaining guests with his mad scratching skills and love of Daft Punk.

Ha ha ha, what a funny joke I said!!

"If this little girl in desperate need of a straightener doesn't get off me, I'm gonna elbow her in the"

Dr. McNinja don't shop at no TJ Maxx, he gets the comfy shit from Hollister.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter also know that I spent the day tweeting about "scary" things. If you don't have an account or don't follow me because you're a douchebag, here's the list:
  1. Getting a divorce - The most primal way to say "You love..."
  2. Getting caught farting in public - Then you're no longer the ass people want to be sad...
  3. My computer exploding - Do you know how long it takes to download 8.6 gigs of MILF and GangBang porn? FUCK!!
  4. Vicky's hair - It looks like she got beat w/a rake. She needs some baby shampoo or a straightener ASAP!!
  5. Destroying your life and any chance of attaining happiness...more commonly known as pregnancy...
  6. Getting in a joke here, I would lose to anyone older then 13 years old.
  7. World of Warcraft...I'm pretty sure that if you have a character higher than a lvl20, you turn into a virgin again.
  8. Girls who don't give head - What do you do on dates then? Hug aggressively? Talk about how not turned-on you are?
  9. Accidentally eating human flesh - Charlie said you get addicted...umm, no thanks.
  10. Farting during sex - My body doesn't have the control to thrust and keep it quiet at the same time, so I have no clue what would happen, I just know I'd be terrified and that it would be bad for everyone involved.

Lately I've been trying to be more fit or whatever, which consists of waking up an hour earlier to work out but still eating Jack in the Box for lunch. I'm currently averaging at like 500 crunches and 150 push-ups a day, which, for someone of my stature, is surprising. You see, I didn't hit 100lbs until the second semester of my sophomore year of high school and despite being 6ft tall and 21 years old, I weigh 133lbs. I know, right? Recently, my friends and I have been talking about crazy ways to work out and although I normally wouldn't share this kind of stuff because it's pretty gay to share workout tips, this one just felt right. We call it Baby Crushing. Partly because it's a funny name, but mostly because it literally involves the crushing of infants. It's a little bit hard to explain, but here goes.

First, you make a conveyor belt that feeds babies from the basket of babies you've collected to a proper disposal area. Haflway between those two points, you place a handle on both sides of the conveyor belt so when you grab them, it's rolling under you, in the direction from your feet to your head. You place your hands on the handles and as the conveyor belt passes under you, it should stop, allowing you to pull yourself downward onto the unsuspecting baby and pull as hard as you can until you crush it. Then, once you've pushed yourself all the way up, the belt moves and brings you another baby. Keep in mind that you should do about 15 babies a set, and 2 to 3 sets a day. Want to know the best part? Not only are you helping control the already out-of-control population issue, you're looking great while doing it. Do you have any new or custom work out ideas? Let me know and if they're good enough, I'll put them in my next update!

Did you know that the only reason the lyrics for the Ghostbusters theme song were "Who ya gonna call?" was because of the technology available when it was being written? Ghostbusters 2 was supposed to say "Who ya gonna fax?", Ghostbusters: The Game was "Who ya gonna text?" and Ghostbuster 3 will feature a new version of the original song, except it will say "Who ya gonna tweet?" I hope you're just as excited as I am!!

I was having sex recently and needless to say, I was not sober. Don't worry, I didn't fuck a grenade/bomb/whale or anything, I just had a scare worthy of being shared. It wasn't anything special, it's simply an occurrence that virgins will never be able to appreciate, and you can't tell, but I'm pretending to be sad for them. Anyways, I was having sex and after what felt like an hour but was actually only like 40min, I cum and she gets off. Much to our surprise though, the condom has disappeared!! Due to our lack of sobriety, I immediately registered this as the coolest and scariest magic trick of all time and proceeded to imagine the most subtle way I could punch her in the stomach and still get some more in the future. A couple seconds later, I realized where it could have gone and told her to check "up there." She proceeds to reach back into her vagina and pull out a condom that was indeed, full of my awesome discharge. She gets rid of it while I laugh and put on my clothes simultaneously and the night pretty much ends. Hopefully next time it won't be so scary!!

Anydoozle, that's about all my mind-grapes can conjure up at this time, so I'll leave you with one of the most insane and vulgar comedians I've ever heard and a song by a great writing staff I would love to be a part of: