Monday, December 31, 2007

Day 5

One of my favorite finds on the internet since 2 Girls and 1 Cup.

Last week I went
to the mall with Nicole and Aaron, got a hoodie from Hollister and Express and observed the intense "individualism" of the people who shop at Hot Topic. Also, I got a circle cookie cake that read "Happy 76th Birthday". I don't know why I got that message, but I was pressured by the black guy taking my order and my friends spat out some pretty bad ideas (I loved their energy though!). I also got myself some new "kicks", picked up Neil Strauss' new book, and found and bought the famous Richard Pryor performance: Richard Pryor Live in Concert.

Today I went to Walgreens after class to get some coke (Soda pop to you Northerners), and while waiting in line to pay, observed the amazing spectacle of a small black child begging his mother for a Pez dispenser. His tactics, despite his devotion to his goal, staying in character and really trying to sell it, proved to be futile against his mother's apathy.

My favorite part was when he changed his pleading from "Mom, I WANT a toy" to "Mom, I NEED a toy". I couldn't help but laugh (Simultaneously ignoring the mom's reaction). Seeing that his mom was leaving, the boy finally realized he wasn't, and I quote, as you will see with the quotation marks, "gettin' no nuthin'". As he wailed behind her, reluctantly following her out the door, I thought to myself four different things:
1) Hmmm, I think I need some condoms...
2) If THAT doesn't cause you to consider getting a vasectomy or getting your "tubes tied", I don't know what does.
3) Abortion pamphlets should be available at every high school...
4) I'm pretty sure kids these days would actually consider Abstinence as an option if they dragged a few kids like him around high schools.

Other than that, it's been rather uneventful as of late; hopefully this new year will bring forth some much needed change. I recently finished making my New Years Resolutions, my first time ever, and they shouldn't be too difficult to stick to:
-Finish Rules of the Game successfully.
-To not get a B in any class I take.
-Do at least 10 open-mics.
-Be healthier. (Eat less fast food and do more exercise)
-Meet at least 10 new people in a public area (Cafes, restaurants, malls, etc.)
-Keep promoting The Greater Truth (In telegrams if possible).
-Use more parenthesis in my writing (Ellipses are a plus as well)...

Happy New Years to everyone, and try not to die, lest you become part of a "Deaths during New Years" statistic...because no one wants to die a boring and teachable death (Unless the lesson taught is to not chew a grenade because the pin might fall out).

Paul Anderson, Alexander Witt, and Russel Mulcahy must die.

If you don't know who these disgusting excuse for people are, then consider yourself luckier than the whores on The Girls Next door. Of course I'm talking about the three directors of the worst trilogy ever, save anything with Halle Berry, otherwise known as The Resident Evil Movie Trilogy.

1. Resident Evil
It's starts off harmless enough, with the beautiful and infamous Umbrella logo and the Arkley Mansion that everyone knows is the one used to hide the lab outside Raccoon City. Then, we're graced with the most delicious nipple shot of Milla Jovovich since The Fifth Element. However, this immediately is destroyed the second some Umbrella Containment/Police Force storm into the house, and ride some ridiculously long train ride that rivals that of the Half-Life Intro, to some enormous bullshit facility where thousands of people work in secrecy. The only thing in the game series that can be compared to the train, is the lift in Resident Evil 2 that takes you on a vertical ride down into the aforementioned facility, on which you fight the William Birkin Tyrant in his weakest stage.

Anyways, the movie goes on to show some fancy laser grid field that is unimpressive and kills a couple people because they're stupid. Then they encounter zombies and, like always, no one EVER thinks to shoot the head...even in Shaun of the Dead they knew to remove the head and they were two regular English bums, not members of a powerful overpaid police organization. Once you get over the stupidity of these events, you notice that all of a sudden, these zombies are some sort of cat mutants, since they all hiss like something you would see in a Hillary Duff movie. The "story" continues, killing everyone but 3-4 people, shutting the doors to the facility and getting ready for a deplorable ending...which consists of 3 minutes of action, where they find and kill a Licker rather un-climatically, leaving only Milla Jovovich and some douche who holds her hand and then gets taken away by some Umbre-blah blah blah...the point is, Paul Anderson is a dick.

2. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
This one starts off where the first one left off, somewhere between a pool of piss and baby blood...which would actually be better since baby blood tastes like sweet & sour sauce, but since it was more like taking a bath in piss, I lost all hope...kind of how I just completely lost control of this metaphor.

The movie begins showing that somehow, in less than a week, Umbrella erected a wall over a hundred feet high around ALL OF RACCOON CITY to quarantine the disaster. Are you fucking me? Not even one thousand Mexicans could have built something of that caliber, that fast. Once you get over that little hiccup of logic (As it is certainly not the last), and you accept the fact that all of the S.T.A.R.S. members, the best of the best of law enforcement in the area, is holed up in some random bar and get demolished by the Nemesis, you can then accept the rest of the plot where William Birkin, who is supposed to be a fucking tyrant, not some cripple-mind you, directs survivors to save his daughter. Don't forget that some of the survivors are SWAT, those sent in after the wall was built! Why would you send in all the cops and SWAT you had, after you built the wall meant to quarantine the city? Plot holes anyone?

Back to the rescuing of Sherry Birkin...not only do they accomplish this task, but you also get to see a boring and slow fight between Milla and the Nemesis...which is about as rewarding as watching Rosie O'Donnell play with silly putty. Some black guy (Mike Epps) is shown a couple times, I guess so Alexander Witt wouldn't get sued by the NAACP ( N iggers A re A lways C ausing P roblems). The film ends with an explosion and Milla J. being allowed to escape YET AGAIN. Watching this movie, however, we learn a new lesson: Alexander Witt is the cock-tease of directing.
I refuse to make fun of Jill Valentine because in this movie she's just like her badass character, wears the same clothes as Resident Evil 3:Nemesis and is portrayed by some hott babe...thank Darwin for new unbiased actresses.

3. Resident Evil: Extinction
OK...Now you bring in a Tyrant? and introduce infected birds? AND include Albert Wesker? Who apparently runs Umbrella now? Thanks for shitting on the Survival of the Fittest theory where the stronger and better people will always survive over the barely-thinking-fecal-matter like Russel Mulcahy, who destroy good things.

Let's start off with the beginning, which hasn't been reused at least twice in every movie in the trilogy. We are then treated to the first action sequence in the movie, which is completely random and horribly filmed - where she fights four Zombie Dogs (Or was it five? It's impossible to tell) the only prominent problem bein; we can't make ANYTHING out because it seems that the cameraman decided to have an Epileptic Seizure as he filmed the whole damn scene. The camera is zoomed in close enough to where we could perform open-heart surgery on one of the dogs and changes angles faster than these ads you see online:

Resident Evil

Then, once we see that Ali Larter portrays the Claire Redfield character perfectly (read: Not), we get our first shot of the talentless singer/actress, Ashanti, who thank god, dies not 15 minutes later. We then get a bunch of filler material where we see Albert Wesker, one of the smartest and most badass villains ever, be played by some douche who talks douche-like and has the very appearances of a douche. Then birds attack, people die, they decide to go to Alaska, but stop at Vegas for gas and all get wiped out in a 7 minute action sequence that is quite unimaginative, even the death of the badass Texan sniper appalling. The people who escape are the 3 main "good" characters, one of which dies while smoking weed (Russel, you hipster, you!), while another flies to Alaska. The other is Alice, who grabs her blades and goes down to the OTHER "super secret" Umbrella underground facility.

Here's the part EVERYONE has been waiting for...Alice vs. the Tyrant...Russel Mulcahy however, realized this and worked his so very dark magic to make it the dullest fighting sequence since those of the Harry Potter movies:
  1. Tyrant hits Alice
  2. Alice stabs him
  3. He runs away, she finds him, he starts chocking her with his tentacles that are actually supposed to be claws.
  4. She cuts the tentacles right before she dies, no one saw that coming...
  5. He tries the SAME ATTACK AGAIN!...which she blocks using her TK powers that she should just use to rip him to shreds, and knocks him into a wall.
  6. He bitch-slaps her into the room with the lasers and the audience begins to leave because we all know the mundane ending that's coming up.
  7. The lasers chop him up and not Alice because her clone saves her, thus ending the most uneventful "action" sequence that was built up for over an hour and lasted approximately 4 minutes.
  8. Cue the anti-climatic ending and bland music and we are done.
  9. The credits role, commencing with the line "All your money are belong to Sony Pictures!".
  10. Everyone now leaves the theater having lost a small piece of humanity and compassion for the human race inside of them...and look to the sky wondering how much better their lives would have been, had they just gone to see Rush Hour 3...go to hell Russel Mulcahy.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Day 4

In case you're wondering what happens when it rains, there's also disappearing umbrellas

I write this
at 2:37am, tired and shaking because I'm downstairs with no socks on and I haven't felt my big toe in what seems like (and actually is) 2 hours. I just finished three hours of writing a paper for my English class that's due tomorrow, and thought that the best way to wind down before I go to sleep would be to write...for this blog...sigh

I saw Juno today with Leah, Nicole, her sister and some other wide-eyed child friend of hers. Before the movie began, I saw that Emily Stonebrook was sitting in the theater as well. I'll leave that alone, and let those of you who know her insert comedic and/or sarcastic comments [here]...wait, nevermind, put them [here] instead, I need to keep this space in accordance to the Feng Shui books I've never read.

Overall, Juno was one of the best movies I've seen all year. It tops my list of "Movies that should be nominated for Golden Globes or Academy Awards based on the overall awesomeness of the film or just how unique the name is" and am very glad I saw it. Not only is the dialogue hilarious, the language they use is almost a parody of the idiocies that come out of our mouths every day. I can only hope that it isn't quoted to death much like Napoleon Dynamite was. The characters in the movie each provide a different type of comedy, while still containing a decent amount of depth that makes you really get into it. The soundtrack is also fantastic, and I'm pleased to say that there isn't really anything I didn't like about the movie. 9.5/10

I'm sick of my hair and its awkward length. It's too short to just let it fall down and be all shaggy-like, yet it's too long to slap on some gel, spike it up in a VERY specific angle where I take out my protractor to make sure the spikes don't exceed 51 degrees, lest I look weird and whatnot, so it's just uncomfortable. If anything, it reminds me of that autistic kid in every few families, you know? He's so good at math he could build a replica to-scale of the WTC with just a picture and a box full of phone chargers, but he's too uncoordinated to walk in a straight line or ride a my hair is like an autistic kid.

I leave you all with a survey I did a couple days ago taken from Hipstomp and merged with another sent to me on Myspace; creating a hybrid HipSpace survey:

I'm never going to be a comedy writer with shit like that...

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
I use my muscles to contract or expand around my bones to move...

2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
I find the mom from Married with Children incredibly sexy.

3. What is your biggest fear?
All my fears are small...sometimes,to piss them off I put them in Tupperware containers and throw them in the freezer for a day or two.

4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
Neither, I'd prefer to either stay home if it's going to be THAT complicated, or just let someone else drive.

5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
Apparently slaves have been discontinued...

6. What is your most treasured possession?
My laptop hard's where all my comedy is.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
Eat fast food...I'm pretty sure I have just barely enough blood in my cholesterol to keep me alive.

8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
I've masturbated to every single one of The spice Girls.

9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
My penis occasionally goes into women...and it's not always their vagina.

10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
“Maybe the food made you tired, besides, I don't even know what a roofie is!!”

11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
Get Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant during a confusing rape extravaganza...

12. Are you the jealous type?'s impossible to be jealous if they're both rotting in the bayou behind my house....

13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
Dentists...never pick an argument with the guy who puts knives and lasers into your mouth.

14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Pity sex.

15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
Eat...BETWEEN MEALS!! I could spoil my appetite! (I know it's crazy, but I'm not going to change who I am)

16. When was the last time you cried?
When I saw that Will Ferrel is coming out with another "comedy".

17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
The last time I saw George Carlin's Life is Worth Losing HBO Special.

18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
Only if everyone else has theirs on...

19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
Told her I'd remember her name and I would call her back as soon as I got the chance to.

20. When you're at the grocery store do you used the self checkout?
If by "self checkout" you mean go up to those security mirrors and look myself up and down, then yes.

21. Return the cart?:
Yes and no, I return the cart, but not to the cart return, I'm the guy who puts it in between two parking spaces so that no one will park there without having go move it first.

22. What is your relationship status? (single, taken...etc.)

23. Has anyone ever sang to you?:
Well I had a song written about me...Seal wrote it, it's called "Amazing".

24. Has anyone ever given you roses? when?:
Yes, yesterday, but they were dead and had a picture of me with my face crossed out...

25. If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?:
Lets just say that if I was in a prison complex and had to fight my way out using a 2 foot long knife, the only problem I would have is getting physically tired...

26. Who do you text the most?:
...the Notepad document...(Props to anyone who gets that)

27. What does your last incoming text say?:
Seven days... -GTGR (Gregg the Grim Reaper)

28. What does your last outgoing text say?:
Does that include Christmas? Reply back ASAP.

29. What is your favorite color?:
I don't like any of them, they cause too much violence, fill up jails, and rape women. Unless you mean the other colors, like blue, I like blue.

30. What is a compliment you receive way too often?:
Quoted from the last time I received it (Last night) "Hahahaha, I forgot how funny you were"

31. How tall are you?:
6ft...give-or-take 2 feet.

32. Where is the furthest place you've traveled?:
New be there again...

33. Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?:
Both (Sleat), it's very difficult to master, but once you've got it down a whole new world of endless possibilities opens up.

34. Do you look more like your mom or your dad?:
Like a male version of my mom, but weaker.

35. How long does it take you to shower?:
Regular shower: 13 minutes
Post-Paintball Shower: 20 minutes
Masturbation: +4 minutes
Talking out lout: +3 minutes
Sitting down crying: +5 minutes

36. Can you do splits?:
Only once...

37. Are you flexible?:
Like a fishing rod

38. What movie do you want to see?:
One where the guy committing infacide is the hero...Juno looks good too (Three consecutive words with "oo" in them!).

39. What did you do on New Years eve 2007?:
Drink and Drive...and I STILL didn't hit those kids...

40. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:
No, I also don't put my seat-back upright on plane takeoffs or wait behind the yellow line...YOU CAN'T STOP FREEDOM!

41. Are you scared of flyying?:
No, but I'm scared of people misspelling the word "flying"

42. Do you have any tatoos?:
I consider them more markers, one for each of my Tattoos usually mean you're making the statement "Hey, look at me, I'm being unique by doing what every single high school rebel does...praise my non-conformity and lack of education!"

43. Do you like funny people or serious people?:
Funny people are great to surround myself with, but serious people are fun to fuck with "Oh no! The condom broke!" Haha, gets them every time.

44. What is your favorite song at the moment?
Daft Punk - Too Long/Steam Machine

45. Do you like chocolate?:
What kind of a person doesn't fucking like chocolate?!

46. Are you easy to get along with?:
If you're intelligent and have a completely open sense of humor, if not, then I'll probably be trying to poison you or push you in front of a moving car.

47. Are you a happy person?:
More than most people I know...and people I don't know for that matter.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Day 3

Awesome! Just in case you can't find beer AND wine at any grocery store, liquor store, gas station, restaurant, bar, house, or designer store in the mall.

Apparently the definition of strident is not "The weapon of the Striders in Half-Life 2". Who knew? These past few days have been rather busy, not just for me, but for other people as well (It is the holidays after all).

Lisset had her birthday Thursday, judging by how old she looks in her pictures, I think she turned 12.

On Friday, Nate and his sister left for Thailand, he'd better get the picture of the prostitutes like I asked him or he shouldn't even bother coming back.

After class Friday, I committed the regrettable decision to go with my sister to Willowbrook Mall to get our parents Christmas presents (Using their money, it literally keeps on giving). We got my mom the final season of The King of Queens since she really digs the show and bought my dad those Tempur-Pedic slippers, which upon closer inspection at our house, were two sizes too big. Sigh, maybe he'll grow into them.

Samedi consisted of watching Dirty Jobs all day. It's a pretty badass show as far as documnetary shows go and really makes you appreciate the ways you've earned money, even if it does mean "servicing" 43-year-old Post Office janitors behind a Wendy's. Some of the jobs on the show look fucking horrible and make you want to watch the WE channel just for seeing the process. Just kidding, no one wants to watch WE.

Others actually looked pretty badass and seem like something I wouldn't mind doing for a week or two, at least for the experience and stories.

Afterwards I read Hipstomp (I'm blogging about reading a blog, my rebellious antics never seem to end!) until the reminder on the TV went off and...well...reminded me that my favorite Christmas movie, Jingle All the Way was about to begin (As opposed to telling me that it's about to end).

Why do I love that movie you ask? Well even if you didn't, read on. The basic reasoning is Arnold Schwarzenegger AND Sinbad in a Christmas comedy? How can anyone say no? The only part that bothers me in that movie is the part where Arnold's character calls his kid on a pay phone and his kid not only talks back to him but yells at him that he's irresponsible. That little shit! He doesn't even have any responsibilities and his dad is trying everything he can to get him the only toy he wants for Christmas that he'll forget about in less than two months, and he has the audacity to have an attitude?! If my kid talked back to me like he did to Arnold, I would fly home (not literally, more as in Gandalf telling Frodo "Fly you fools" before his supposed death) as fast as inhumanly possible and beat him until he his tears of fear turned into tears of regret. Teach that shit that half of him came from my dick and if he pisses me off again, I'll relieve him of the life I gave him. Fucking disrespectful, you're not allowed to talk back like that to your parents until after you've had to shave your pubic hair at least three times.

English was HELL today. Maybe it was because I was tired as hell from Sunday's antics that aren't even interesting enough to put in here, but I was fighting my eye lids and losing faster than a blind kid playing Mario.

I was going to grab some Jack In the Box for lunch when I saw that my wallet only had a $100 bill and wondered if they would take it. I figured it was worth a shot since I had a back-up plan. If they wouldn't take it, assuming I get the usual white lady that works the window, I would yell "RACIST!!" until I got my food. Luckily, (for them) it didn't have to come to that. Upon receiveing my food however, she says "Thank You" I reply with "Have a nice day", which is perfect for Christmas Eve. Apparently my mind couldn't spit out "Merry Christmas".

I just got out of the shower and I'm going to go to my aunt's house to play Call of Duty 4 on my uncle's PC until I get stuck and cry all over the keyboard while wallowing in depression or celebrate Christmas, whichever comes first.

Wallowing is a weird verb. Wallowing (v): to wallow

Merry Christmas and try not to die, lest you turn yourself into a Christmas Death statistic. If you're going to drink, drive and die, at least take out a van full of other people too, there's nothing worse than a wasted car crash.

Here's my present, I found it online a while ago:

If you told a Jew to have a deplorable Christmas, what would his reaction be?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Day 2

I know I'm leaving...I don't need half of a baker's dozen worth of signs to tell me that...

This week has been fuckin' weird...especially with my mind, which feels like it's been prostituting itself to everyone else's brains and when it gets back it has already had a 6-pack of Coors and doesn't want anything to do with me.

One day I feel like I can take on the world (Excluding Jean-Claude Van Damme, no one can take him) and my reflexes are at a now-time high. Then, on days like today I really couldn't care less about how ridiculously high my apathy level is, which is sometimes good because that's when I get some of my best comedy material. I think a lot of these feelings has to do with the people I interact with throughout my day, and since I now have to be at the Campus of Failures everyday at 9am to sit through three and a half hours of English with 24 other people who are so dull that even I get tired, despite being a morning person, and inevitably, like the pod-people, kill any and all emotions in the general area.

Tuesday was actually a pretty decent day, but lasted so long I could have sworn it was Thursday...if only. After class, Cameron, Nicole and Aaron came over as I began devouring my lunch to wait for The Golden Compass to start. One hour, 4 stand-up sets and an argument regarding who was driving to the theater later (which I lost), we were at Cinemark Cypress buying tickets for a movie I was surprisingly excited to see. Before we entered the theater however, I noticed a lot of posters for un-original movies and when I looked up past the Fred Clause posters that would even make little kids want to kill Santa Clause's brother (If he had one) and saw a poster with Will Ferrell...oh really?! ANOTHER Will Ferrell comedy? Thank you! You'd think all the religious organizations would start getting together and banning his movies as his extensive film career is proof enough that there is no higher deity. Oh well, at least Get Smart with Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway looks good. Also, despite the studios and directors having plenty of time to get it right, Speed Racer is going to be the bullshit movie of 2008, I mean, he doesn't even drive the car, it's all shot on blue screen, or green screen, or whatever color screens they're using these days.

*Mild Spoilers*
The Golden Compass was fan-fucking-tastic. What little respect I had for all the ignorant Christians who decided to not see it, was lost within the first ten minutes of the movie when the animators show you exactly how badass CGI can be in the right hands. The movie's negative hype about the promotion of atheism and whatnot is difficult to pick up in many parts of the movie, so all the Christian's who boycotted the movie have wasted even more of their time for nothing. The movie is great and highly entertaining, so much that it has inspired me to buy the books...just as soon as I finish James Lipton's Inside Inside. The editing leaves something to be desired, as the movie does tend to jump around from one location to another, however, if you think about it from the opposite perspective, at least there isn't any part that mimics scenes in Lord of the Rings where there is hardly any dialogue for about 15 minutes, only people walking or riding horses.

The anger that is inside me due to the ignorance, idiocies and crippling actions and opinions done by the Christian community grows every day. It's a movie, it's meant to be entertaining and should never be taken seriously...that goes for all movies.
**During the big fight at the end of the movie, watch for the clip when the doctors find Mrs. Coulter passed out on the ground and one of them totally grabs her left tit...if I was Keith Urban I would be pissed!**

After The Golden Compass I realized my stomach hadn't had anything shoved into it for almost three and a half hours so instead of going back home, we went to Jamba Juice and shit-shot for a short while before we made a stop at Half Price Books and watched Superbad at my house for some much-needed comedy. You really can't beat my generation's high school remakes, especially one so real as Superbad.

You never hear the word 'semite' without the anti- prefix....why is that?

Afterwards, I reluctantly go with them to the Chipotle between the Starbucks we were at the night before and the Jamba Juice we had deserted only three hours prior...fucking adventurers I hang out with. If they were set out by Thomas Jefferson to help him carry out the Manifest Destiny, nothing would have been achieved.

Thomas Jefferson: Hey, I need ya'll to do me a favor, this God character told me we need to take over every piece of land this place has to offer, so I need you to go past that street and what looks like a Jamba Juice over there and map it out for me, take as long as you need.
My Friend #1: Alright, sounds cool, we always hang out around that street anyways, I guess we could explore some other stuff...
My Friend #2: I don't think streets have been invented, that's just a tree that recently fell over.
My Friend #3: Did you hear it fall?
MF#1: Don't you dare start that shit again! It wasn't funny the first time, it's not funny now, let it go!
[Cut to 3 months later]
MF#2: Hey, Mr. Jefferson, hee hee hee. We're back.
TJ: Why do you always laugh when you address me that way?
MF#2: You'll see why in the 80's...
Whatever, let me see the map.
All you did was draw was that there is a Jamba Juice, a nail salon, a Starbucks and a Chipotle that uses tree bark as a main ingredient (A recipe that will never change).
MF#1: Yeah, well we don't want to leave our comfort zone...
MF#3: We tried every single thing possible at every location and we're quite content with our expedition.
MF#2: You ok there?
TJ: Yeah...sigh...I'm going to go home, I'm so mad I could fuck a slave right now...

This is the second time I have ever gone to Chipotle, and like the first time, it was fucking disgusting. I hate how white people tell me I'm weird because I don't like the least authentic Mexican food on the planet. Taco Bell is closer to Mexican than that piece-of-shit place is. One of the best parts is that the meat they claim is barbacoa, is actually one of my favorite Mexican meats, and the stringed spicy shit they serve there looks, tastes, smells, sounds or even talks like real barbacoa. The fact of the matter is, unless you've eaten at a hole-in-the-wall place in Mexico, you don't know what Mexican food tastes like.

Today consisted of me driving home after class with my English book next to me, passing street lamps and power poles (A good name for a Polish Superhero group) who constantly taunted me...I contemplated running into one just to teach the rest of them a lesson, but I decided against it since something in the back of my head, probably the place where my mullet used to be, told me that it could kill me...and I already planned my death.

Assuming I don't die beforehand, if I live to the stale, disgusting age of 70, I plan to rent a large truck that crumbles easily and drive as fast as possible straight into a bus full of children. That's right, my death will be making the front page of both the Houston Chronicle and The Irony Gazette with the headline reading "Older Generation takes down bus full of uneducated New Generation with smile on face".

That's about all that has happened, although I just noticed a picture of Sarah Vowell on the cover of my English you know who she is? Of course you don't, you don't read any good books, you read the comedy writings of a 19 year old Houstonian who buys motivation books to motivate him to buy himself a self-help book (Which is actually an oxymoron).

I'm gonna make myself some Chicken Pot Pie (It's so delicious it needs to be capitalized) and start putting some text on something I'm supposed to be writing.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the Fittest, which can, and is defined in modern society as a fucking joke, is my topic for today. If you need further clarification, watch the first 10 minutes of Idiocracy here. The only way the USA is going to improve is to start getting rid of people who have no education, have a shit life and aren't trying to turn it around. Most people would say move them to another country, but then the pansies who want to get re-elected by the women and gays of the country will say it's also our responsibility to feed them, making us lose more time and money. The only solution is the one that Hitler began, but in a wider scale...don't kill all the greedy Jews because they run our banks and give us the delicious delis. You can't kill all the blacks because then there wouldn't be any music to corrupt the minds of minorities. Don't kill all the Mexicans because then NOTHING will get done, and so on. We need to eliminate all the people who don't contribute to society and aren't attempting to improve their/other lives AND any convicted felons who pleaded guilty or were convicted with enough evidence that their lawyers were contemplating suicide for taking their case. Now, how could we do this without spending millions of dollars on legal bullshit and further weaken our economy?

This question brings me to my next point, Capital Punishment and Experimental Mass Executions. Many people try and convince you that that violence begets violence, however, a lot of especially-violent violence will result in fear, which is what we're going for. We could utilize various older forms of Capital Punishment and Executions including burning people at the stake, boiling them in oil, and my favorite; beheading, however they wouldn't be any fun and there would be hardly any financial gain. I would like to implement more fun and commercially acceptable ways to execute, that aren't too hard to market and sell to the public, in ways for them to bet money on. This will get the economy rolling and make violence fun again:
  1. This first one is my personal favorite…it's not original by any means; however the fact that I'm the one making it marketable, makes it my invention. Basically, you get someone that's really sick or useless, like a pedophile or an NRA Member and tie their arms and legs to vehicles using ropes. Then, at the same precise moment, you make all the vehicles start accelerating…"Homero, didn't you say something about selling this? How is that possible?" I'll tell you. You bet on which limb gets ripped off the main torso first! In case this ever happens, if it's a male, I suggest you bet on the left arm since legs are pretty strong and most guys jack off with their right hands which makes it stronger than the left. Plus, left handed people are pussies...that's a fact.

  2. Mythbusters get to use real humans for projects regarding decapitation and what happens to a human when dropped from various heights.

  3. Launch people at a low angle across the ocean and have people bet on how many times they will skip on the surface until either a limb breaks off or it sinks.

  4. Electrocute people in various forms. Doesn't everyone want to see what getting electrocuted really looks like, instead of having to see a some cute PG version like Home Alone, where all that happens is he screams like a girl and his hair stands up? Does that really happen? I don't know...but let's find out!

  5. Create real life Storming the Beach at Normandy and War reenactments. Wouldn't that be awesome? None of that bullshit you see in Virginia and Alabama where people with IQs in the single digits shoot talcum powder out of a wood pipe and fall down after two minutes of "fighting". Besides, history is important, and the more graphic and real it is, the better kids remember it. Hell, maybe let the kids take some limbs with them in a souvenir jar or something.

  6. Modern day gladiator-type fights with different'd be like betting on a wrestling match except it wouldn't look like 3 hours of poorly acted foreplay with exploding ketchup packets. It would be held in a custom made stadium, which in its self would creat hundreds of jobs.
    • Hand held weapons - These are always a crowd favorite and always the really messy ones because there's always that one guy that gets carried away and doesn't stop cutting or banging the shit out of an opponent until he gets killed or the referees pulls him off...showoff.
    • Pistols - These are the most fun, a big maze made out of titanium walls in the stadium and the best part is, it automatically attracts the 14-year olds who sit on their ass all day, playing that poor excuse of a game, Halo. Younger people in this event will most likely, should they actually win, Teabag their last kill.
    • Shotguns - ...need I say more?
    • The Potpourri Round - An odd assembly of people...or is it? I want midgets, women, teenagers, jews, old folks, indians, cripples and just to spice it up, one guy with a chainsaw that only has enough gas for 1 minute. If he doesn't trip and fall on the chainsaw he might just get one of the midgets and a woman or two...but after that gas is up, he has to fight like everyone else. If we're really lucky, we could see a teenager grab a midget by the feet and beat some old guy with it, now THAT's entertainment. Here's something we could change, the chainsaw could be in the middle of the arena...have you ever tried getting a chainsaw started? It's not easy! Now imagine trying to get it started while a woman is beating your head in with her shoe and some old guy is beating you with a midget...crazy shit!
Those are all my ideas to help out the US Economy, and I know they would work because Americans love violence more than any other country, and because of the creation of jobs in building the ultimate arena, running it on all major channels, cleaning crews, guards, referees, and of course, all the betting going on that would fulfill every bookie's wetdream.

In the beginning...was Day 1

I'm normally not a big fan of blogs, however, since this is a free service that comes with the fantastic Gmail I've been using for the past two years or so, I felt it was my duty to utilize it to post my various musings that occur to me throughout my life. I will also be using this blog to put up my various articles that I've written, starting with the ones I wrote on Facebook. The first one will be the Survival of the Fittest, which is coincidentally, my favorite one. I'll try to put it up tonight if possible.

This weekend actually kept me busy. Friday night consisted of Nate arriving at my house borderline late, as the movie we were going to see (I Am Legend) was already showing previews. Luckly, thanks to my heroic-like night driving abilities, I was able to slow down time just enough to make it in to see The Dark Knight trailer-which looks incredible, and get to our seats.

*Mild Spoiler Alert*
Overall, I give the movie 8.5/10. The beginning is fantastic and when you first see a 'Dark Seeker' it really freaks you out...until he experiments on one. Here's the thing, he states that the 'Dark Seekers' function at 300%, that of normal human being, yet when he chases his dog into a building of some sort, they can't hear or sense him despite him being less than 10 feet away. Also, for being a Lt. Colonel, Robert Neville was a HORRIBLE shot...he needs to stop listening to Bob Marley all the time and play some Half-Life 2 or Call of Duty 4. Other than that, the movie was a great thriller that convinced me that Will Smith needs to be nominated for an Oscar this year.

Saturday I had to wait at the Joe Myers Ford dealership for about 3 hours just to pay the $172 for a new set of car keys that I lost the day before. After that I went to my uncle's house to help him and his family move to a better neighborhood on my side of town with less black people getting into gang fights (Although they now have to deal with insane white suburban mothers who think their husband who is only at home to sleep should be given the Father of the Year award). Assuming the day was over for me, as I was tired and needed to get some sleep in before playing paintball the next day, I took a shower and watched some TV. That was the second biggest mistake I made that day, as my mom called and said that we were all going to Moody Gardens to see the Festival of Lights.

I decide to drive so that I wouldn't fall asleep on the drive and drool all over the back seat. Upon arriving, despite the growing signs of intense windage (Windage[slang] - Referring to wind speed) like trees tilting as if to high-five the ground and the car being blown to the side, we are all surprised that it is windy and cold as fuck and we only have light sweaters and jackets. Ignoring this, my mom decides it is still a good idea to see the lights, so we pay the $10 per person and we're told it takes about 45 minutes to finish the trail. Hold up, we're paying enough to feed an African country for a week to WALK for 45 minutes in 40-something degree weather and look at lights shaped into things like Santa, and Spongebob (Who is apparently synonymous with Christmas now)? How fan-fucking-tastic. Finishing the trail in less than 30 minutes because I forced everyone to walk faster and constantly stated that I'd rather be sitting in my room listening to Jamie O'Neal's All By Myself crying than walking that godforsaken concrete path, we leave and end up at a restaurant called Cheddars or something. I didn't really get the name of it since I was looking at the enormous Fry's Electronics on the other side of the street that was, I kid you not, more spacious than the George R. Brown Convention Center. We get home at 12:30a-fucking-m exhausted and sick of things that cause wind, like the ocean, fans and people who laugh using way too much air.

I wake up at 8:47 still tired, don't get out of bed until 9:30 and don't leave my house until 10, pissed, because I know I'm late since Epic people usually start playing at this time and it will take me at least half-an-hour to get geared up and check to see if my gun is working. I arrive to a practically empty TKPB where I slowly get ready since the first game isn't played until almost noon...fucking assholes had me getting up early and shit. The day was alright, I played to horrible I felt like the field should have paid me for making an ass of myself and entertaining people with my lack of motor skills and coordination. However, when I finished I took out the 'ol Nikon D50 and snapped a few pictures that came out surprisingly well despite the sun reflecting off metal and whatnot. If you want to see all of them, click here (The guest password is homero).

Today was the first day of the mini-mester, as the coolest of the cool kids call it, and it began with me wearing three layers of clothes to a classroom full of what I deemed educational failures...almost like me, but not quite. The energy level was lackluster at best, lets just say I've seen people in comas that had more enthusiasm than my "classmates". I'm undecided about my professor though, she's an English major yet she told us she gets "Up at the crack...of whenever the sun rises"...dawn anyone? The crack of dawn was the correct statement, just as it has been used to describe every father's instructions on the eve of a horrendous divorce-causing fishing trip that takes a whole weekend out of your life. As she went over the syllabus for the course, she made a Harry Potter reference which almost made me want to listen to my ipod as loud as possible while trying to forget why I was there in the first place...but rule #4 specifically stated that mp3 players were not allowed. Luckly, she made me laugh and possibly caused a slight grin when she made a Seinfeld reference to the Soup Nazi (She's the MLA Nazi...if I was Jewish I would've been offended) and later said that she locks the door of her room after 5 minutes because of the Virginia Tech shooting...apparently she believes that cheap-wall-piercing bullets haven't been invented yet.

Now I'm going out to eat with Nicole, then getting some stuff at Barnes and Nobles and Best Buy before doing my homework and whatnot. I'll put up my Survival of the Fittest article by tomorrow, as promised.