Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day 41

Like I REALLY need to add anything to this...

Line of the week: My favorite website in the entire world: FistShoving.net -Bob Stencil

Lately I've been dreading updating The Greater Truth because for a couple months I was in a writing rut and could only think of philosophical stuff, trying to find a path for my future and blah blah blah. Now I'm back and it feels great, ever since I wrote my last entry that began as three paragraphs and ended up being something along the lines of almost four pages of (parallel synchronized) randonmess, I've felt like a new man. Now I have a bunch more random news and thoughts to spew onto the internetz and whatnot. So strap on your seat belts because it's going to be an awkwardly educational and intrusive ride (Like the Patriot Act)...and if you don't have a seat belt, well good, because why would you buy an office chair with a seat belt?

Let's kick things off with some domestic violence, eh? Christian Bale was recently arrested for beating his mother and sister into a pulp (More accurately, pulps) last week. The actual charge was for assault, but it was in London, and assault over there is if you yell louder than small cough...

Here's an eyewitness' photograph of Bale assaulting his mother:

It was raining all day Thursday and I was bored, so I sat down and started to brainstorm something I could do, when it hit me: Soap. This product in mind, I grabbed a bottle of dish soap or whatever its formal name is, and poured it into a squirt bottle from my laundry. I then went to a parking lot near my house and waited for a bit for the rain to die down. Luckily, being in Houston and all, it only took a couple minutes.

I get out of my car and kind of speed walk (It was still sprinkling and I was wearing flip-flops) with the squirt bottle and start walking in front of all the cars like I'm going to a store nearby and spray the windows with the soap. At this point, you're probably asking me why I'm doing such a thing, to which I'd be happy to answer.

You see, dish soap is ridiculously concentrated; it only takes a palm size to wash an entire load of dishes. Because I sprayed almost twice that amount on the window of the car while it's raining, it makes the soap spread around the wipers and glass. By the time someone gets into their car and turns their wipers on, not only will massive amounts of soap bubbles begin to form, but because I poured so much, they will keep multiplying with every wipe.

I only stuck around long enough to see a few cars get affected, (It started to rain heavier and a lot of the soap was washed off the others) but when it happened it was hilarious, people started their windshield wipers and a few seconds later were treated to a ridiculous amount of bubbles all over the place. Imagine a windshield full of glue, then imagine that someone threw a box of popcorn on it...but with bubbles. That shit will NOT just fall off, it's great.

Word on the interweb is that at least one funny and/or positive thing came out of the terrible anal-raping that was Indiana Jones 4; Nuking the Fridge. Instead of Jumping the Shark or Jumping the Couch, it is now Nuking the Fridge. They even have their own website.

I was watching a trailer for a movie and shoved in the middle of it, the following words popped up:

"...laugh out loud funny." -Variety

Now this got me thinking, you see, when you don't use a whole statement from a source, you simply add the ellipses in replacement of the words you didn't use. That in mind, what if this was the complete sentence from the quote:

"This movie sucks the balls off a dead Chinese man who was raped by a goat infected by herpes, should never be seen and is the exact opposite of laugh out loud funny." -Variety

You see how this creates a problem? According to MLA and the citation powers that be, there's nothing wrong with that...oh yeah, except ALL THE LIES!! What kind of a world do we live in where we can't even trust marketing people? This isn't the America the founding fathers dreamed of...then again, George Washington had a hemp farm, so he was probably high at the time.

If you've ever wanted to watch a movie similar to other movies you've watched and liked, but couldn't think of one, then this is for you.

Friday had me going out with Nate, Carla, Steph, Peter and his girlfriend to Cafe 101, some Asian food place on Bellaire and the Beltway. The menu was so damn long I started asking to see if they had a Spark Notes version for me, because I didn't have time to look at all 60 kinds of rice they offered. I ended up asking for a typical Chinese restaurant dish, Sesame Chicken. The waiter said no because THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT. In disbelief I asked him if they could just make it, and still the answer was no. I asked, instead, for some Chicken Friend Rice...WHICH THEY DIDN'T HAVE. What kind of Asian restaurant is this?! Giving him the I-REALLY-want-some-Chicken-Fried-Rice-look, the waiter and I comprimised with me getting my Chicken Fried Rice, but paying for Pork Fried Rice, which was like eight dollars. Not too shabby for a decent meal.

Afterwords, instead of going to Jojo's house like I thought we were, we ended up going to Taco Milagro. Just by the name I know you can tell what race of people hang out there...which would've been cool, except for the little fact that I don't find Hispanic chicks even remotely attractive (Except for Martha Higareda). If it would've been called something like Kung Pao Milagro or Pommes Frites Miracle I would've been fucking siked, but alas, this was not the case. Oh, and since I'm not 21 I got to sit there with a few other people with Xs on the back of their hands. In case you're not following, I'm sitting in a clusterfuck of boring Mexican chicks with two red Xs on the back of my hand, waiting to go somewhere I can drink a beer or something. We eventually made it to Jojo's house just in time to watch American's Best Dance Crew where some kinda interesting stuff happened and eventually left to go to my house.

With Hancock reaching almost $200 million for such a horrible excuse for the movie, I need to set the record straight about this film. This isn't going to be a review simply something to let everyone know why this movie shouldn't be earning this much amount of money....you ready? Here it goes: THE FILM SUCKS.

It had a SHITLOAD of potential, it could have broken most of the exact same records as The Dark Knight. Don't believe me? You don't have to...however, how about a guy who actually read the original script? That was when it was still called Tonight, He Comes. You can check it out here, it will blow your fucking mind.

I'll summarize it here (Although keep in mind I'm summarizing a summary), taking a lot from the link above via Film School Rejects. Let me begin by saying that Tonight, He Comes would NOT have been a huge blockbuster comedy film. Nor would it have been an action film, it would've been an intense and horrendous drama with some dark comedy that would have left you breathless...and this is just on paper. The guy is still called Hancock, but he's an angry, sex-addicted asshole. He swears, smokes, shits, masturbates, watches porn and fucks hookers...and all that before he starts killing police officers and tries to rape a woman. He also still has the powers we saw and believes he has to use them for good, which he supports by repeating the phrase "I gotta do what I gotta do".

Enter the innocent little family, the Longfellows, with Horus the flaccis father, Mary the strong and sweet mother, and Aaron their son who gets picked on a lot. Horus and his son are basically both weak pansies who simply turn the other cheek all the time are beat down by every part of life. Hancock comes into their lives when he stops a robbery where Mary was a hostage, and later follows her home and listens to her singing to Aaron. He tries to win her over by helping Aaron with bullies and soon start to get together away from the family;Mary completley oblivious to Hancock's intentions. He even does something sweet, he flies up and bring down a piece of a cloud for her to touch, only for it to dissipitate into moisture just as she grabs it.

Seeing that Mary is amazed, Hancock tries to get intimate and she draws a clear line, rejecting him. Furious at this, he decides to take care of it on his terms, taking her away as Aaron tries to save helplessly saves her. Then, Horus thinking Mary left him, feels a rage inside him he's never felt before and, after defeating robbers at his work, sees a news report that Hancock and Mary are at a textile factory; the location of the film's climax. Horus learns what happens from his son and heads to the factory.

Hancock leaves Mary stranded and flies down to fight the police, whom he tears limb from limb, tossing cars and helicopters like they were toys and singlehandedly getting rid of almost the entire city's police force. He then goes to Mary for his post-battle carnal reward, but is interrupted by Horus, who now faces certain death. Before Hancock can kill Horus though, the factory collapses and both men stop fighting. Horus rushes to save Mary, buried somewhere in the rubble and Hancock drops to his knees, roars, and cries. The rest of the script is missing, save the last couple pages that show the family together again.

Hancock could've been the best and most insane film of 2008 with the lead character matching, and maybe even exceeding, that of Ledger's Joker. Instead they went for some cookie cutter family piece of shit. Like FSR, here's an excerpt from the script where it has Hancock masturbate:

“Hancock drops his pants… latches on to his magnanimous member… our superhero stands, bent over a bit, yanking up a storm. His body convulses under said stimulation. He GROWLS… and BOOM, we hear a baby explosion… Debris everywhere, in shambles. Smoke. And in the ceiling, a gaping hole, seething still from the launch.”

Fucking crazy, huh? This definitely wouldn't have been a Will Smith film. Oh, and if you watch Hancock online, watch for any scene where it shows his trailer, there's holes in the ceiling...and now you know why.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Day 40

The Comedian: Apples? Haha, I guess that's as good a reason as any other to light you on fire...

Line of the Week: Do you want to know why I use knives? I use a knife because guns are too quick. Otherwise, you can't savor all the emotions. You know who people are in their last moments, so in a way, I knew your friends better than you ever did. You want me to tell you which ones were cowards? -The Joker in The Dark Knight

Yeah, I know I didn't update last week, I've been busy as fuck.

Similarly, "fuck" isn't as appealing as it used to be when I began watching MILF Hunter. Now everything is hard as fuck, fucking hurts, depressing as fuck, can't take much more of that fucker, fuck it all and so-on. Why isn't anyone ever happy as fuck? How about pretty fucking horny? Eh, that's the American etymology for you...but i digress.

A few interesting things popped up online recently, my favorite being Michael Bay's Rejected "The Dark Knight" Script; which is basically his Transformers script...god what a bad movie that turned out to be(Especially the blond with the Aussie accent...ugh).

I went to Barnes and Nobles on Tuesday and noticed a couple things. The main one being that all the hott chicks will always be either in the self improvement section, business or religion section, depending on their age. Apparently, being a cougar isn't "in" at this time to the business section was a no-go for me, and the self improvement was empty...then again it was 8:30pm on a Tuesday. The religion section it was...I decided to start off easy by moseying into the overexagerated Christianity section and pretending to pick up some bible analysis until I saw a cute brunette walk over.

We exchanged casual smiles and then I asked her if she was looking for a newer version of the good book, while pointing at the new testament and winking...corny? yeah, but it was funny at the time and honestly, like I have much to work with while not offending her. So she talks about how just moved here and only knew the bible in some other language that I didn't really care about so I said give me a second and went one aisle behind us and grabbed The Bible for dummies. That got a laugh out of her. We talked about the book for a minute and...well...it was more like she talked, and I lied. She asked me what my favorite verse was and I told her, truthfully, that I didn't have one. I said "I do, however, love the entire book of Genesis, it's the beginning of everything and I love history, which is actually my major." again, another lie.

Honestly, who the hell majors in History? What a worthless major, I mean honestly, stop living in the past. They're the only majors worse than English majors...which basically means that unless you plan on teaching that same shit to 14 year olds who think rape is something that only happens in movies, then you're just going to be the most eloquent person in the unemployment line...Thoreau's not gonna help you there, toots. Anyways, back to the Jesus-stalker.

She agrees that history is interesting and then I tell her I should probably get going, there's a bunch of other stuff I need to get before I go home and do some homework. She gives me her number and walks away as I dump the book into the children section not even four feet away (Coincidence? I think not) and go into the real stuff: Philosophy.

Before I begin, let me set this up, this is the Philosophy section of a huge Barnes and Nobles on Westheimer, about 5min. from the Galleria. I'm looking for some books on Stoics or David Hume that I can buy that won't cause me to spend all my money because I'm a bit hungry. They have one book on Epicures, and two small ones(One of which I bought) on Epictetus...it's shameful how weak they are on a lot of other philosophers too. To add to this, they even made the Christianity section three and a half rows long while Eastern religions only get two and Philosophy gets three. They had bullshit like bible covers and bibles with space on the side for notes...fucking stupid. Truthfully, I was planning on buying the Islamic text (Qur'an) but couldn't find it either...fucking hypocritical Christians...what're you gonna do? Aside from crucifying them...

On a side note, under the Philosophy section, on the very bottom, they had, I shit you not, Battlestar Galactica and Philosophy: Knowledge Here Begins Out There.

Yeah...just let that sink in...

I guess it's time to talk about what everyone else is talking about; the only movie I've seen twice on opening day, once at midnight and then again at 5pm: The motherfuckin' Dark Knight.

Let me begin by saying that I am not a fan of the Batman. The comics, the story, the logic; it's all good but it always fails to interest me. It does, however, have some of the best villains.

That being said, HOLY TITTY-FUCKING-CHRIST!! I mean, I went into the theater with high expectations but this film blew me away, and not just literally, but figuratively as well. The story, themes, philosophies, judgements, acting, camera work, vision, etc. I was thoroughly and happily surprised by The Dark Knight...

...or should I say, Batman Fails? All we see is Batman gets his ass kicked in every way possible, emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. Christian Bale, however, is one of the best Bruce Waynes I've ever seen, with my only complaint being the gruffness of his voice during a couple parts of the film; more specifically while The Joker is hanging upside-down and before Two-Face shoots him.

Heath Ledger's performance was fantastic, the voice, the ticks, the smile, the expressions and the laugh...oh man, that laugh...it was all flawless. I mean, I can imitate the voice decently, but that laugh will always be Ledger's. Let there be no confusions that what we saw on screen was not Ledger, it was The Joker, and a full testament to the art of method acting. Oscar nomination is a guarantee, and since I don't see any other films demanding such an outstanding performance this year, a win is actually very likely.

The second performance worth mentioning, and I hope he gets an Oscar nomination at least for best supporting actor, is Aaron Eckhart as Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. His transformation from the white knight of Gotham to a *almost* a child murderer, that really showcases the sharp and focused directorial skills of Christopher Nolan. Two things I didn't like however, the first being a petty personal desire to see him shoot Commissioner Gordon's son and the second being the ending. Even though I can see why they made the ending to fit the circle and tie off the loose ends, I thought the ending was horrible. Why would you give us a fantastic villain like Two-Face with merciless killing and then kill him after 20 minutes? Feels like he was cheated out of screen time. It's disappointing how much he was overshadowed by Ledger's performance, i just hope that after all the dust settles that he finally gets the recognition he REALLY deserves.

My biggest and most prominent disdain with the film was the ending. I understood it but did not agree with it in the least bit. Here's how it should've ended:

After Two-Face kills Maroni's driver, they should've had the scene where he kills Ramirez immediately followed by having him show up at the Gordon Family's doorstep saying "Hi Barbara". Then they should've had a shot with The Joker being put in his cell at Arkham Asylum passing the empty cell of Edward Nygma (Since I hear he's the next villain), and upon hearing The Joker's laugh, the camera fades to black.

Despite this, it's still a VERY strong and gripping movie. I have to give Nolan props for barely using CGI, flipping a semi, blowing up a building and amazing camera work. I give it an 8.5/10. I want to give it a 9 but I can't because unlike many other critics, and this was mentioned in a podcast from The Movie Blog recently, 9s and 10s are given out in too frequently now-a-days...many critics just aren't doing their jobs these days.

Oh, and did anyone else put on a WTF?! face whenever Rachel tells Harvey that Bruce's penthouse was now the safest place in Gotham? Umm...I don't know if you remember, but not even a week (or a day) earlier, The Joker broke into his penthouse and threw you out of a fucking window!! Yet it's the safest part of Gotham? Try another city like Metropolis or something, stay with Lois Lane or some shit...Jesus. Although I have to give Maggie G. for actually being able to act, unlike the previous Rachel Dawes...Katie Holmes...ugh.

Apparently, Elliot Spitzer is back in the news, saying that he's planning on writing a book about his whole hooker fiasco and even though I don't really care, I only have one thing to say about it: that book better have three things...pictures, pictures and more fucking pictures. Hell, if he really wants to make some money off it, make it into a pop-up book with little tabs you can pull on to simulate the sex he had with that delicious-but-still-not-worth-$4,300 hooker...I'd buy it.

What other topic or graphic novel-based film can follow something like The Dark Knight?


Oh yeah, The Watchmen!! July 17th will forever be known as Watchmen day. Not only did Empire accidently release the official trailer about 6 hours too early, Entertainment Weekly also leaked their next cover and pictures which are all about The Watchmen.

You can find the trailer at www.watchmencomicmovie.com, as well as a bunch of other stuff:
-Chapter Summaries(Only read the first couple and then buy the graphic novel, lest it spoil it for you)
-Set pictures
-Good amount of movie pictures
-Everything from the official site (www.watchmenmovie.com)
-So much more...

The trailer is flawless, the coloring style is great, the sets are ridiculously detailed and the casting is great...well, with the minor exception being that Ozymandias looks way too young. Here's a trailer scene to comic panel comparison done by Brad Bevret at Rope of Silicon.

If you thought The Dark Knight was dark and gritty and real, just wait until March of next year when an even better graphic novel comes out with an R rating directed by someone who absolutely adores the material...it's going to be phenomenal. I mean, the movie has a rape scene!! Haha! Also, Rorschach and The Comedian kill a decent amount of people to get the information, or pleasure, they desire. Watch for new clips of the film being uploaded next week as Comic Con San Diego 2008 is commencing on Thursday.

I went paintballing (Verb: to paintball) on Sunday and even though I only played like two games, as I was unaware it was a closed practice, I had fun hanging out with kids I hadn't seen in a while. After asking Ethan if his mom was still that delicious MILF I remember, I proceeded to just hang out and shoot the shit with everyone. Only one problem presented itself, aside from the heat that made our balls and thighs become one, and that would be Keith pouring half a fucking bottle of cheap, shitty-smelling cologne into the cooler...that had all the fucking water in it! Keith R....if you're reading this, seriously...you're a douche.

Oh and there was a chick that came in with, Matt Engles I think, that had the biggest fucking nose I'd seen in my life. Seriously...I mean, it looked like something that would send Mel Gibson into an uncontrollable rage.

This is just a random thought I had pop up in my mind a few days ago and I realized that it actually made sense. You see, I think that the welfare and standard of living in any particular area is based on the amount AND quality of cameras in that country when disaster strikes. Take the tsunami in India or the earthquake in China, shitty countries...how can I tell? The footage of those events is the kind we had in the late 60s, everything's all blurry, color is bland and the camera is never still. It's horrible footage and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with the cameraman. Similar to Hurricane Katrina, I mean, everyone knows you don't move to Louisiana for the economy. Then you come back to (real) America and if you look for footage of a tornado, school killing or suicide, they have the whole thing recorded on HD TV and is formatted for plasma flat screen TVs. Hell, I think you can get the video of the Virginia Tech shooter on Blu-Ray, but don't quote me on that.

Alright, I gotta get back to watching Step Up 2...only the BEST DANCE MOVIE EVER!!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Day 39

Don't breathe too deep, you'll choke on the freedom...

Line of the Week: It's just that, when I'm texting, telling someone they're a "piece of shiv" just doesn't send the same message... -Me on my phone finally memorizing "shit"

First things first, Happy 4th of July! If you're not American, well...happy Friday, cunt-muscles. I don't know about you guys, but I like to celebrate my Independence Day by supporting the Patriot Act. You see, I call people I don't talk to anymore in my contacts list and use common terrorist code words while mentioning various large cities and highly populated areas. It usually takes a day or two but those people seem to disappear rather quickly. Try it, it's fun. If you want, try it against the people of the Westboro Baptist Church, here is their contact information from a FOX newspaper:

(785) 273-0325 - Fred W. Phelps Sr., cell phone
(785) 272-4135 - Fred Phelps, Jr.
(785) 273-0529 - Benjamin Phelps
(785) 273-0277 & (785) 273-1080 - Shirley Roper
(785) 272-8559 - Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 232-2485 - Fax for Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 233-4162 - Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 233-0766 - Fax for Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 969-9017 - Steve Drain


Alright, some quick reviews before the cool shit.

Wanted was badass, great action, great visual effects only minimal CGI and really, can we honestly expect anything less from Bekmambetov? The action is ridiculous, plenty of blood to keep the juices flowing and a quick peek at Jolie's ass.

WALL-E is movie of the year, I can't even talk about it because it's so flawless. The most surprising part? It's not aimed towards children, this is a fim for the ages, and I wouldn't be surprised if this beats out The Dark Knight for Picture of the Year in the Academy Awards.

Here's a picture of WALL-E...wait, it's this one...shit, maybe it's this one. I don't know, fuck it, you figure it out.

Hancock was actually pretty good, but definitely far from perfect, so here's my take on it with plenty of spoilers included:

I knew Charlize Theron had powers from the second trailer they released a while ago. I don't know how everyone was surprised, I actually heard GASP from various people in the audience.

I liked the movie though. It flowed well, had me laughing in some parts and is worth watching, aside from only three problems I couldn't avoid:
  1. Peter Berg apparently went to his camera-work class in college and only attended the days where you learn how to zoom in, because he has no clue how to pan out. Every single shot is always of someone's face, zoomed in so close you can actually see their pores breathing.
  2. He considers the audience idiots. Whenever Hancock first meets Theron(Whatever her character's name is) Berg feels the need to constantly get in her face for about 20 sec. while she does an obvious "O NOEZ!!" face. This happens about 8 times in less than 20min.
  3. No real antagonist. I mean he fights Theron, but she was never going to kill him, and the hook handed guy was useless, but he got lucky that he turned mortal. Technically it had no real plot. The action is cool, the idea is fantastic and the acting is pretty good but the film as a whole just doesn't pop. It's missing something, and I think it's a solid plot.
This is what happens when studio execs feel the need to change shit up. I'm just glad they didn't completely destroy all of it like they did with Jumper. It's not anything that's going to be remembered as a huge blockbuster like Iron Man, TDK, Cloverfield and The Spirit and whatnot, but it's definitely something you should watch.

Hancock also had the new James Bond trailer, which you can check out here.

Oh, this is for the guys: a sound poster of new pictures of Sarah Paulson, Eva Mendes, Scarlett Johansson and Jamie King from The Spirit.

Here's some more Dark Knight clips you're sure to enjoy, The Domino's Extended Trailer, Good Cop, Bad Cop Routine and my favorite: The Party Crasher Scene. You should have your mouth open and your cock rock-hard by the time you're done watching all of those...similar to my weekend date rape adventures.

On Monday I received my first heckle-that-could-be-considered-a-passive-death-threat on stage and it turned out to be quite an event apparently.

Me: Slave joke - 'Wait, nevermind, you don't have to beat a Wii for it to work.'
Steve Cook: Motherfucka gonna end up on a milk carton...
Reverend Bart: I've got your back, I've got your back
Me: It's cool, I know who that is, it's Steve Cook. Hey man, you yelled that at me after I did that joke two weeks ago, how about you try something more original next time?

At this point I see Reverend Bart leave and the rest I heard from Russel and Marc. Apparently, Steve went outside and started complaining to Roach and eventually stormed out. After that, I ended up talking with a bunch of other comics about it and whatnot with hilarity ensuing.

The point is that it's about goddamn time someone says something about my Slaves bit, and I'm glad it happened at the Laff Stop...anywhere else and I would've been in both the hospital and prison, at the same time.

Eddie Murphy is coming back to stand up...finally. I've watched Delirious about six times and Raw around three and they always make me laugh out loud. Can't wait to hear some of his new shit.

After much meditation on the subject, I've realized that the best places to pick up women, as they're coming out, are:
  • Abortion Clinics
  • Bars
  • Optometrists
Most are pretty straight forward but allow me to explain myself. Abortion clinics are the greatest because you know she's not prude (Or she was raped, and who better to help than a sensitive guy who is willing to listen with a hard cock?) and she's alright with getting rid of mistakes. These are definitely keepers. Bars are good because girls rarely leave bars without a good amount of alcohol on them, so try to anticipate when they're coming out and bump into themenough to knock something down and flash a confident look as you hand it back, buy 'em a drink, slip in the roofie and she will be yours for the taking. Optometrists...her pupils are dilated, need I say more?

On a similar note, I want to get a job at an abortion clinic so when people ask me what I do, I can jokingly say "I kill babies" and they'll laugh...until they see the blood all over my hands. "The joke's on you, toots!"

This weekend was ridiculously badass. On Friday I went to see Hancock with Dan and then hung out at his house messing around in a map editor with Crysis for a while before coming back to my house and cleaning and attempting to do homework. Later, Nate and Jerry came over, followed by Ryan, Randy and some tall feller named Ian who is a douche because he likes Dane Cook. After we started drinking Hannah and Carla came over and we all conversed, drank and smoked. Ryan felt the need to make three posts on PBScene explaining that I "need a man to set me in the right direction". After we smoked and Ryan, Randy and douchebag left we chilled and watched The Comedians of Comedy DVD until everyone left and I passed out.

I wake up at 11am on Saturday to my cell phone going off on loud to confirm with Nate that we're still going to the beach. So I get ready and wait for Carla so we can go to Nate's house and take the long drive to Galveston where we notice immediately how out of our element we really are. On the way we saw maybe two black people...and then we pull into Popeyes and lo and behold; every single employee is a black woman who looks like they have yet to lose their baby fat and probably have committed murder on more than one account. While I'm there I decide to empty the bowels and while I'm peeing I hear someone trying to get in for a good 40sec. until they finally realize that the door is locked. I open the door when I'm done, only to see some 5 year old with a frustrated look on his face, stand between the wall and the door, look at him straight in the eyes and tell him in my most serious face and pissed off face to "CALM DOWN!!".

After finally finding a place to park, next to two bums who say they're from Indiana and want some of our food that we have yet to open, we set our shit up and eat and talk for a bit before we jump into the wonderful Galveston-section of the Gulf of Mexico; which is what you get if you cross murky water, Polio and Rock Salt, all into one brown mass of water. After swimming around and hitting each other with ridiculous amounts of seaweed (Do NOT smoke), we decide to go back to our area and build shit in the sand. Jerry made a Pokemon (Cloyster), Nate made a face and I made a TIE Interceptor...not to be confused with a THAI Interceptor. Then we did various things for the camera and left, only to pass the same bums in the exact same place we passed them by about five hours prior, this time asking for cigarettes. We ended up walking around Galveston which looks alot like New Orleans (Updated Version: Complete with Hurricane Damage and weird black people!!). Shortly after we saw a horse pee all over the fucking street we head on out and I get to my house at around 10:30.

Most people would turn in around this time but no, not this guy. I hit up Taylor and head on over to a party he's at and drink and talk with a bunch of people I didn't know and haven't seen since high school. Felt pretty damn good to see Taylor, Ashley, Matt and meet a bunch of other people who can't remember or pronounce my name. I definitely plan on hanging out with them more often now. Before I left though, Taylor, Ashley and I went to McDonalds and after Ashley orders a Happy Meal she orders something else and the guy asks if it's for a guy or a girl to which I assume is a sexist comment until she yells out "For a girl" and it hits me that he was talking about the Happy Meal. I was about to be like "What the fuck does it matter, you sexist dick?"...good thing she caught me. I definitely enjoyed getting back to the party and when Taylor gives his friend a single Apple Pie, his friend exclaims "I gave you seven dollars", all of which he gave me to pay for everyone else's food pretty much. This causes me to bust out laughing and after I regain my composure, explain what happened.

Now it's Sunday. I've been trying to do homework but this apathy and laziness is incredible. While I write this, I'm actually assessing the day I've had and am realizing what an incredibly African-American day I've experienced. Here's a quick rundown for clarification:
  1. Woke up aroud noon
  2. Had waffles for breakfast
  3. Masturbated and admired what a nice package I've got
  4. Finally took a shower
  5. Ate fried chicken
Uncanny isn't it? Almost makes me wonder sometimes...

Until next time, Joe Bless America...and Texas.