Monday, November 24, 2008

Day 56

What. The. Fuck?!

Line of the Week: Blasphemy High Five -Me, to Matt, at Starbucks with these two chicks.

Herro, herro. Not much has happened this week aside from various situations that ocurred during work and school, but hopefully you'll enjoy hearing about them as much as I did experiencing them. Or not, I don't really care, it's not like I'm getting paid for this. However, I did update the Films of 2008 section to the right, so you can see what films are worth checking out for the rest of the year!!

I thought this was interesting story, apparently, John McCain, a full 15 days after the election results were counted, has won Missouri. Like Morgan watching Twilight at a screening before everyone else, this is one of those cases where you can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

While I was working on Saturday, a redneck with poor posture came and bought some tickets. After I gave him the total, he looks at me with a slightly confused look, glances down at his wallet and asks "American?", I want you to pay me in fucking rupees, of course American dollars. Jesus, it's not like this is Somalia, where you can pay in sand or whatever...some people.

Later, towards the evening, I had this exchange with two women:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Woman 1: I'm doing good
Woman 2: We're good
Woman 1: Let me get one adult for Twilight
Me:'s your ticket, and there's your menu and coaster.
Woman 2: Let me get the same thing.
Me: Ok
Woman 1: Oh, and we don't need another menu, we can share this one. We're easy.
Me: .....
Woman 2: ....
Me: ...ummm, I don't think that came out the way you wanted that to.
Woman 1: Huh? OOP! Oh my god!
Woman 2 and Me: Hahahahaha

It was much funnier in person, especially since she was giddier than a Japanese school girl at a Hello Kitty convention...that comment made her happiness turn into embarrassment REALLY fast.

This is one of those instances where the saying "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" does NOT apply...what a shame.

I met some chick from New York this week and despite not being at all like the girls I saw while I was in New York a while ago, she DID have the accent. She said things like "coouffee" and "reap" and it was fantastic because I could tell she thought I was interested when I was actually just asking her questions so I could hear her say more words. I was literally like "Oh my god, you have an accent? That, I want to stick my penis in your mouth. I mean, WOW."

Ok, that last part my have come out something like "So when did you move here?" but I'm pretty sure she understood what I meant.

Oh, and I also met her friend, whose name is December...yeah, not even I could make that shit up. She's like 3 feet tall and is hispanic, which means I'd sooner masturbate with soap than try and go out with her...but hey, maybe next week I'll find someone worth talking to! Maybe not.

Well that's about it, next week I'm going to write either a rant or a topical entry like my Rape or Resident Evil ones, so watch for that. I'll end this rather short entry with a clip from Ricky Gervais' interview on Inside the Actor's Studio, premiering in January:

Monday, November 17, 2008

Day 55

Like I've said before, marketing majors are superior to all...

Line of the Week: All Rockets, No Sockets...Andy Richter with his Bon-A Constrictor...Artie Lang with his Hearty Wang -Conan O' Brien Sausage Week

Woo woo for busy people, and when I say woo woo I actually don't mean that, so take it as you will...did the previous sentence make any sense? I thought it may have not, so lets enjoy it...for now.

I've recently arrived to the conclusion that women are, in fact, much more shallow than men. You see, the only reason the Jonas Brothers, Michael Phelps or Bobcat Bob get laid is because of their social hierarchy and social influence/power. If these guys weren't on TV chances are they'd be at home masturbating to Lorelai from Gilmore Girls like everyone else, but because they have more coverage than what's entering Paris Hilton, they're loved by women around the world. Like I said though, if they weren't as famous as they are, most girls wouldn't even give them a second look or the time of day, night, dusk and that weird time when it's none of those and you feel really sleepy. Men on the other hand, don't care whether you're life consists of being inside the social elite or the socially inept and live in a cardboard box; if you're hott, we'll get all up in there (You can quote me on that). I think the only thing that can actually sway a guy from a girl is hygiene, a shower is a must because as much as we love boobs, we're not going to go and make two piles of mud and motor boat them...not because it's weird, but because we don't remember to pay for health care.

I always forget how funny Roger Ebert is...and then he writes something like this.

After work last week, Dan invited me to go with him to some small get together and since I was starving, I made him stop at McDonalds so I could get some of those fantastic Chicken McNuggets. While in line, I noticed that my pants had a ridiculous amount of fuzz all over my pants and needed something sticky to get it off, so I asked Dan, half-jokingly, if he had any duct tape like the kind for rape and stuff. He did! Then, to continue that though process, I asked him if he had scissors to make precise cuts, like you would cut your victim's hair so that people don't recognize her...or you have slightly homosexual tendencies and decided those bangs had to go. he DID!! Then I asked him for a knife, in case she's seen too much...and lo and behold, in his pocket no less, Dan pulled out a fucking knife...I have the weirdest friends.

So Obama is now I guess that's cool. To be honest though, I can't believe Americans actually elected one of those people...

...of course, I'm talking about him being a Hawaiian. Seriously guys, have you ever had Hawaiian Pizza? It's fucking HORRIBLE. Hawaiians actually took something as perfect as pizza and fucking ruined it...and now we've got one of them in office? It's disgusting. Not only that, I hear Starbucks wants to make an Obama Coffee; you know what that's gonna be like, right? A coffee with enough milk to make it extremely light-brown with a bunch of pineapple chunks...way to drop the ball America...we could've had it all with Bob Barr, but no, you fucked up and now we all have to pay for it.

I also saw Changeling last week and a thought came to my mind while watching it that I'm trying to resolve. Why didn't she just get a DNA test to prove he wasn't her kid? I was furiously contemplating this for the longest time until it hit me, Angelina Jolie would never think to utilize a DNA test to prove that her son was actually not her son because NONE of her kids are related to's to hoping she kept receipts. Oh, and aside from the surprise ending, the movie was really damn boring and uninspired, I don't see any Oscar nominations for this picture.

Alright, I'm gonna go watch Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire at an early screening tomorrow night so I gotta get some reading done for this history professor that won't stop living in the past. I'll leave you with a video that exemplifies one of my theories about's funnier when it's completely serious, which is why SNL is only worth watching once a month and Kristen Wiig needs to get her own comedy show:

Monday, November 10, 2008

No Update Today

I have a bunch of presentations and projects due all this week, so I won't update until Wednesday or so.

However, tomorrow is the Comedy Night event at Lone Star College. It starts at 7pm in the Conference center and is completely free. I'll be doing a 10min. set to open for Houston comedian Billy D. Washington. Come check it out, it'll be fun, and maybe I'll go out to eat afterwards and get myself some McNuggets...holla!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day Super-Special-Happy-Love-Time-Hour Update!!

In lieu of today being the most annoying Election day in all of history, I decided to post the best speech ever given to mankind by any President of The United States of America:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

-President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) in Independence Day (1996).

Monday, November 3, 2008

Day 54

Yes and I needed four pictures, and yes, those are the cheerleaders of the Jacksonville Jaguars dressed up as female's like my recurring wet dream!!!!

Line of the Week: Smell the dick on the kid. -Taylor reciting lyrics from some band...

Hokay, I've been way too busy this past week and weekend to do a structured and really elaborate update, but I'll be on it next weekend. I'm just going to do some quick rambling and then embed a bunch of funny videos in hopes of mild compensation.

I started working at Studio Movie Grill (Hwy 6 and West Rd.) on Friday, and I'll be working there every weekend. That's the main reason why I couldn't update, but it's not to say the job is imposing, I just need to get used to the schedule. It's fun and it means that I'll be watching more movie more often now. I'm going to see RockNRolla tonight at Rave, Rachel Getting Married downtown tomorrow and Changeling at SMG on Thursday...if you want to see any of those, text me.

After work on Friday, I quickly changed into shorts, flip-flops, a dirty t-shirt with oil/dirt stains and a hat like Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Then I went to Megan's house for the Halloween party where Ashley was a slutty cop, Anna was a slutty devil, Megan was a slutty ladybug, Heather was a slutty teacher, Rachel was a slutty hippie and the guys just wore formal or ridiculously casual clothes...Halloween is the best!!

I went to Taylor's coffee place-thing-location after seeing Zack and Miri Make a Porno (again) with Raul and Lindsay on Saturday, and found out that they support my position that if I had a nuclear bomb, I would detonate it over College Station before I would detonate it over Afghanistan...because it's the worse of two evils. Oh, and then we found out all about this Pepe Silvia and Carol characters that don't exist and the Day Bow Bow...fucking hilarious:

Day Bow Bow

Pepe Silve and Carol in H.R.

Also, I've recently found out that Half Price Books is selling DVDs for less than $5!! THE FOOLS!! They don't even know how they're looooooosing and I'm winning. You see, I went in just to buy some book for class, but I walked out with the book and three DVDs for the price of one expensive you have to ask yourself, who really won? The same guy that has two thumbs but doesn't really use them to type and never noticed that until now: THIS GUY!! I'm going to get There Will be Blood, Borat, The Untouchables and any Stanley Kubrick film I can find as soon as I get my first paycheck, HOLLA!

Alright, I'm done, remember...DON'T VOTE. Seriously, it's the most unpatriotic thing you could do and chances are we'll all die if you end up doing so. It's true, here's two different kinds of proof:

Seriously, don't fucking vote or I'll track your IP and stab you in you aorta...which, according to Dexter, is the fastest and easiest way to kill a man...or woman.