Line of the Week: "Whatever, my penis touched her naked body" -The FB status of a friend of mine
Let the record state that every time you go to a restaurant, request a to-go box and forget to leave with it, DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU REQUESTED FOR ONE, a kid in Africa tries to cry, but can't because he's too dehydrated. You know what's even more sad and horrible? He's so dehydrated, that only salt comes out of his tear ducts. Then he has salt in his eyes and it scratches his cornea, so by the time he's our age (Assuming he makes it that long), he's practically blind...and that's the real life story of Ray Charles. The piano came in later.
Wouldn't it be funny if every time someone said "baby pictures," people would automatically assume they were about to see pictures taken by that person at a very young age, not that they were about to be shown pictures of useless and selfish "human beings?" I think it would be HI-larious.
My 19 year-old and about 4'11" short friend (1 inch from legally being a midget, lulz), lets call her Vicky, because that's her name, recently let the news out that she washes her hair with a shampoo by the name of Johnson & Johnson. That's right kids, a little Asian girl the size of two fat (NOT phat) babies, washes her fragile little hair with BABY shampoo....it's level of fragility probably due to her height, or lack thereof. There's no real reason for me to bring this up except for public ridicule...oh, and her hair looked like it was raped by a rake. Not only that, but she came into work, knowing full well that I would not let it go. Any chance I got, I would ask around to see if anyone had one of those famous Chi hair straighteners and when people accused me of being mean, I proceeded to remind them that she was the mean one by forcing us to have to look at that hair. Needless to say that it was a quite enjoyable night for myself, my friends and anyone with a sense of humor. Vicky, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that my sister has a Chi and you can come over anytime, preferably now though, and get that shit fixed!
A couple new terms to add to my list of words/sayings:
- Grenade - The ugly friend of a hott chick...or just any ugly chick, as in "Well you owe me since I totally jumped on that grenade for you last week!"
- Bomb - The fat ugly friend
- Whale - The fat not but ugly friend
Since there's more than enough impostors to go around on the 31st, do real hookers and whores dress in normal clothes & go to Chili's for Halloween?
Now I know many of you were wondering what I decided to be for Halloween. I had a list of all my possible options but I threw it away only minutes after making it because I realized I had only one option, and it was staring me in the face as I looked at my computer. Dr McNinja. Now I don't usually carry a camera around, and Halloween was no different, so here's a few pictures of myself, taken from friends and other friends:
Here's Dr. McNinja giving someone the sarcastic "Yes! I AM interested in what you're talking about right now..."
Dr. McNinja wondering whether he should knock that mofo out for saying that Pirates of the Caribbean was better than Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtles.
"If this little girl in desperate need of a straightener doesn't get off me, I'm gonna elbow her in the chest...watch..."
Those of you who follow me on Twitter also know that I spent the day tweeting about "scary" things. If you don't have an account or don't follow me because you're a douchebag, here's the list:
- Getting a divorce - The most primal way to say "You fail...at love..."
- Getting caught farting in public - Then you're no longer the ass people want to be around...so sad...
- My computer exploding - Do you know how long it takes to download 8.6 gigs of MILF and GangBang porn? FUCK!!
- Vicky's hair - It looks like she got beat w/a rake. She needs some baby shampoo or a straightener ASAP!!
- Destroying your life and any chance of attaining happiness...more commonly known as pregnancy...
- Getting in a fight...no joke here, I would lose to anyone older then 13 years old.
- World of Warcraft...I'm pretty sure that if you have a character higher than a lvl20, you turn into a virgin again.
- Girls who don't give head - What do you do on dates then? Hug aggressively? Talk about how not turned-on you are?
- Accidentally eating human flesh - Charlie said you get addicted...umm, no thanks.
- Farting during sex - My body doesn't have the control to thrust and keep it quiet at the same time, so I have no clue what would happen, I just know I'd be terrified and that it would be bad for everyone involved.
Lately I've been trying to be more fit or whatever, which consists of waking up an hour earlier to work out but still eating Jack in the Box for lunch. I'm currently averaging at like 500 crunches and 150 push-ups a day, which, for someone of my stature, is surprising. You see, I didn't hit 100lbs until the second semester of my sophomore year of high school and despite being 6ft tall and 21 years old, I weigh 133lbs. I know, right? Recently, my friends and I have been talking about crazy ways to work out and although I normally wouldn't share this kind of stuff because it's pretty gay to share workout tips, this one just felt right. We call it Baby Crushing. Partly because it's a funny name, but mostly because it literally involves the crushing of infants. It's a little bit hard to explain, but here goes.
First, you make a conveyor belt that feeds babies from the basket of babies you've collected to a proper disposal area. Haflway between those two points, you place a handle on both sides of the conveyor belt so when you grab them, it's rolling under you, in the direction from your feet to your head. You place your hands on the handles and as the conveyor belt passes under you, it should stop, allowing you to pull yourself downward onto the unsuspecting baby and pull as hard as you can until you crush it. Then, once you've pushed yourself all the way up, the belt moves and brings you another baby. Keep in mind that you should do about 15 babies a set, and 2 to 3 sets a day. Want to know the best part? Not only are you helping control the already out-of-control population issue, you're looking great while doing it. Do you have any new or custom work out ideas? Let me know and if they're good enough, I'll put them in my next update!
Did you know that the only reason the lyrics for the Ghostbusters theme song were "Who ya gonna call?" was because of the technology available when it was being written? Ghostbusters 2 was supposed to say "Who ya gonna fax?", Ghostbusters: The Game was "Who ya gonna text?" and Ghostbuster 3 will feature a new version of the original song, except it will say "Who ya gonna tweet?" I hope you're just as excited as I am!!
I was having sex recently and needless to say, I was not sober. Don't worry, I didn't fuck a grenade/bomb/whale or anything, I just had a scare worthy of being shared. It wasn't anything special, it's simply an occurrence that virgins will never be able to appreciate, and you can't tell, but I'm pretending to be sad for them. Anyways, I was having sex and after what felt like an hour but was actually only like 40min, I cum and she gets off. Much to our surprise though, the condom has disappeared!! Due to our lack of sobriety, I immediately registered this as the coolest and scariest magic trick of all time and proceeded to imagine the most subtle way I could punch her in the stomach and still get some more in the future. A couple seconds later, I realized where it could have gone and told her to check "up there." She proceeds to reach back into her vagina and pull out a condom that was indeed, full of my awesome discharge. She gets rid of it while I laugh and put on my clothes simultaneously and the night pretty much ends. Hopefully next time it won't be so scary!!
Anydoozle, that's about all my mind-grapes can conjure up at this time, so I'll leave you with one of the most insane and vulgar comedians I've ever heard and a song by a great writing staff I would love to be a part of: