Monday, February 23, 2009

Day 62


Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Tina Fey on 30 Rock

Let me begin by confirming that it is in fact my 21st birthday today. Being 21 means I can do all the shit I've been doing since middle school...except in public now...minus the masturbation.

While in my intriguing Biology class the other day, and on the one day I arrive late and have to sit next to some tall weird foreign kid, the blond girl next to me did an extraordinary thing. She managed to make the entire class think "What the fuck?" so hard you could feel it. As our professor was rambling on about nucleotides and proteins and whatnot, she interjects and says the following:
"This is kinda random, but I heard on the radio that Green Tea can prevent AIDS. Is that true?"
I actually choked on my water for a second before I realized that it was not a hallucination. This is America's future...maybe suicide isn't such a big sin after all...

I recently had a multicultural dinner, I ate Japanese food being cooked by a black person with white people who were talking about where to get the best Chinese food...which means I couldn't make ANY racist comments about anyone. Hell, there was a gay too, and he wasn't having any Milk jokes, so I just sat silently and made fun of the people with the ugly baby behind us...justice is served? No, but my Teryaki chicken was delicious.

I think people really need to stop using the word trifecta so much, it's retarded, overused and not funny...yeah, you thought I was gonna use it too, didn't you? If you did, you probably used it today and thought it sounded nice.

Like most of you peoples noes, I work at Studio Movie Grill, where we have food and shit. I'm the box office guy so I know what's selling and what isn't. That said, the only movie we got last weekend was Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. How his movie makes more money than The Reader I'll never know...oh wait, because people are collectively retarded.

One thing I noticed was that we sold out all showings of Madea goes to Jail except the 4:30 showing and it took me a second to realize why, but then I remembered that the shifts at KFC and McDonalds don't end until. Also, I've recently completed this data:

Paul Blart : White Families
Madea Goes to Jail : Black Families
Meet the Spartans : Groups of Teenagers
The Jonas Brothers in 3D : Groups of Kids
Conclusion - Anyone in a group with more than 3 people can be considered a full-retard, to the point that genocide is acceptable.

A friend of mine recently used the simile: Snore like a whale, and it got me thinking my usual thought-process which I will reveal only because it's my b-day:
Snores like a whale? whale's live underwater. water has no air. air is needed for sound to travel. you can't hear underwater. you can't be raped underwater because no one could hear you say no. How do water-dwelling animals make sound then? How does it go anywhere? Dory being able to talk whale was so bullshit. Finding Nemo was overrated, The Incredibles was better. Pixar's pretty badass. Cars was boring though. It almost put me to sleep. Do whales even snore?

My aunt needed me to take her to the doctor's office last week and I had to stop at the same intersection on the way back as I did on the way not back. The first time I had to shoo away some short Mexican guy because I didn't have any waste...on him. Then, on the way back, he comes up to me again and calls me "bro" and asks if I had any money now. I let him know immediately that I didn't have any goddamn money to give to the Cholo Charity Fund and that if I did, I'd rather show it to him, get a Chocolate Overload Cake from Jack-In-The-Box and eat it in front of him. Granted, I was drinking out of my water bottle while I said it so he probably just heard "Nope, haha, no money this time, sorry!", but I think he got the message.

Due to the fucking insane movies I've been watching lately, I've been thinking a bit about death and I've decided that I want my ashes to be sprinkled in the margaritas of Studio Movie Grill so all the MILFs and divorcees can have me inside of them.

Sometimes I feel like I should meet up with all my readers and see what they're like. Then I check my traffic meter and see that people get to my site by searching this. Yeah, let's keep this relationship just like this...forever...please.

The Oscars happened and aside from some awesome disses towards the the financial miss of The Reader and Ben Stiller impersonating insane Joaquin Pheonix, they were pretty boring. A few sidenotes:
  • Alan say Seymour Philip Hoffman one more goddamn time and I'll take your undeserved Oscar from your wrinkly old fingers, you hear me?
  • Jessica Biel and Tilda Swinton: What. The Fuck?
  • Jack Black, tonight marks the first time you've actually made me laugh out loud.
  • Fuck you, AMPAS!
That's it for me this time around, wish me a happy birthday, although it doesn't matter because I'm always happy regardless, and I'll leave you with these:

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Day 61

So does Dumbledore...

Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Liz Lemon on 30 Rock

There was no update last week, I was probably busy or under the influence or watching another movie...I was probably just watching actor interviews on YouTube though.

While at Quiznos last week, I stole 51 cents from someone. I say someone because it was in the automatic change tray and I didn't get the plasure of physically taking it from them. It was nifty and all, but because it was the mistake of someone else and not my personal sneakiness or even deviousness, it didn't have that same rush or excitment behind it. It felt wrong to receive money without taking it away from someone...don't get me wrong though, I still took it and it's in my car right now, but it just doesn't feel as right as it should.

During an intruiging and VERY late-night conversation I had with some friends, we decided that the biggest thing missing from Twilight, among many, many, many, many others, was the lack of the main character being a badass. Now I'm not talking about the ugly chick who can't act, I'm talking about the brosef who can't act. What they need to do is replace Robert Patterson with Clint Eastwood. Can you even begin to imagine how many lonely teenage girls and lonely older women would purchase a black emo shirt with the line "Get off my lawn, Jacob" on the front? They'd sell like fucking Pokemon cards, and not the new ones, I'm talking about the originals with Bulbasaur, Scyther, Dragonite, Hunter and Charizard.

It's no secret that January and February are ALWAYS a shit month for movies because they're the dumping ground for movies the studios know aren't any good. There's always one exception (Cloverfield, Taken, etc.) but usually there's only crap that attracts people with the IQs so low you wonder how they're able to feed themselves or reproduce correctly.

Last weekend(?), we received Inkheart and Underworld 3 (Yeah, I know), which brought children, which are essentially miniature retarded people, and fat, grotesque people-like beings that looks like they haven't left their parents' basement in months...and Houston doesn't even have basements! The worst part is the fatties. Oh man, they come in ready to order two full meals with dessert and always complain about their food not having enough grease. Plus, they're the only people who whine about having to walk to the back of the theater...which is maybe a difference of 30 steps. You may think I'm kidding or exaggerating but I've seen and heard it happen at LEAST a hundred times since I've started working there.

I genuinely believe that if there were anthropomorphic tomatoes alive, they would tell us that they prefer to be carried from location to location by goats. Not only that, they have the type of personality that would request to be held in bushels and round baskets as opposed to crates. Don't they seem like the kind to say stuff like that?

I was on Facebook today and noticed that they were giving away a free "gift" that was basically a card saying Thanks. I don't know if this is some sort of mass subliminal advertising to be more conformist to their ways, but it sure seems nice. In accordance to their request, I gave myself thanks for being me and always being there when I needed myself, regardless of how angry I, or myself, were. Don't believe me? Check out the screen cap I took of myself:

Beat that mofos!

As I type this, I'm sitting in my Business Computer blahblahblah class and half-listening to my professor explain to us the values of bits, bytes, kilobytes and so on. She just said that each bit is essentially a single character and asked us how many bites are in the word "LOVE," to which I stated to the people around me "None, because it doesn't exist." Good times for all...this class is dull and uninspired. If I were to give it a review I would give it no stars out of five and then proceed to do what normal people do and read Maureen Down articles from The New Yorker and Liebovitz photographs from Vanity Fair.

I saw Push last night at a screening at AMC 30 on Dunvale and Westheimer which, if you live in Houston, know that it is NOT a good theater to EVER go to. I could say "I saw a movie with a bunch of uneducated and ignorant minorities" and it would convey the exact same sentiments. Aside from the screening being sponsored by 97.9 The Box (A local rap station), posters, shirts and cups were given out by way of a mini scavenger hunt where the DJs called out the following items: Red lipstick, a blue pen and socks with holes...which translates to any person who can't afford new socks. They didn't even ask any movie trivia...dicks.

Yes, they asked for socks with holes in them, I'm not making that up...

That's about all I can conjure up for now, but look for more ridiculous nothings coming up next week! Here's the remixed version of Christian Bale cussing out the DP of Terminator Salvation: