Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Day 58

Tony Jaa is the only good thing to come out of Thailand aside from prostitution...

Line of the Week: You Krispy Kreme motherfuckers!! -The black detective looking for solid justice in Punisher: War Zone.

Hey, you know how sometimes you're just so busy you completely forget to post an update to a regular site that belongs to you? Me neither, I didn't want to update last week because finals are annoying and I didn't feel the need to, so deal with it.

In case some of you don't read the comments at the end of some of my posts, this is what you missed from my last entry...

Some Teenager came into SMG the other day with letter jacket on. I didn't notice the last name until my supervisor told me if I find a guy with the same last name as the one on the jacket, to let her know because she wants to name her future child, are you ready for this, Billy the Kidd... She seriously said that. I asked her what her boyfriend's last name was and she said Deal, although I'm sure his family spells it wrong. I said that Billy the Deal isn't too bad either, although it sounds like a very affordable male prostitute that would use slogans like these:
  • I'm Billy the Deal and if you can find a cheaper price for Snowballing, I guarantee I'll match it!
  • Hi, I'm Billy the Deal! Are you sick of cumming and feeling lonely? For this month only, every Rim Job is 70% off and includes 10min. of free cuddling and stroking!
  • Billy the Deal here, are hand job rates getting, well, out of hand? Well, have I got the Deal *Wink* for you! Come with me with a proof of a competitor's lower price and I'll beat it, personally!
  • Hi, I'm Billy the Deal, and I'll let you fist my ass for a 50-pack of Chicken McNuggets.
Alright, that last one my have been a little much, but you get the point.

I've been so busy and apathetic lately that I actually got in trouble in my Sociology class. I got to class just as people were going in so instead of sitting in my usual seat, I had to sit one row back, which also happened to be the back of the room, and the corner, nonetheless. I didn't really care because the only two girls worth talking to in that class sat there and I talked with them before class all the time. Basically, after a couple warnings directed to the girls to stop talking, I ended up getting in trouble for talking to one of them. The teacher kicked one of the girls out of class and giving me a talking to afterwards, threatening me with being immature and asking me why I, a student with one of the highest grades of the class, would even talk to people "like them." She went on and I kept on changing the conversation to myself and my stand up comedy (seriously, we talked about our favorite comedians for like 4min.) and then left because I had shit to do and she is nothing you should look at for a long time...because she's ugly.

The next class, she pulls me from the hallway before class starts and tells me, as I smile, that we can't have another incident and that she wants me sitting in the front, away from the girl. Well little does she know that love has no boundaries, but I decided to ignore that and sat one row ahead of my usual spot and talked to Erika's boyfriend instead, making jokes like usual. Hell, when she said, and I quote: "Men, you gotta catch up. The four highest grades in the class are all women!" I replied with "Oh no, we would actually be worried about that if they didn't get paid 75 cents for every dollar we make..." She turned this into a Sociological discussion because it was one of those It's-funny-because it's-true moments. I assumed this was the end of it, but no, it was not.

The next day, I get a call from Student Services or something and the Dean of SS (Coincidental abbreviation? I think not) wants to talk to me about the incident. I get to her office on Wednesday and notice that she's a babe. So not only do I get to tell her about how the teacher overreacted, I get to check out her legs as she's taking down notes too? Thank you deviance! In the end, nothing happened, except that it was a win-win-win situation: My teacher got resolution in that I talked to her superior, the Dean did her job by pretending to give a shit about my teacher, and I got to stare at an 8/10 for half an hour.

If movies were real, all police sergeants would be middle-aged black men who are married, are sick of disobedient employees and do things by the book...unless that rebel detective pushes him to bend the rules for JUSTICE.

I watched Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut a couple nights ago. I wish I could explain how amazing it is and why you need to see that movie ASAP, especially if you have a penis, have had a penis or really wish you had one. Here's a list of things you'll see if you watch this movie:
  • Nicole Kidman's bare ass in the opening scene
  • Tom Cruise rubbing Kidman's tits
  • Two hott chicks wanting to fuck Tom Cruise
  • A hott naked hooker
  • Nicole Kidman naked
  • Kidman's bare tits
  • Angry Kidman's tits
  • Flirty Kidman's tits
  • Drunk Kidman's tits
  • Jealous Kidman's tits
  • Aroused Kidman's tits
  • Dream Sequence Kidman's tits
  • Stoned Kidman's tits
  • Disappointed Kidman's tits
  • Vengeful Kidman's tits
  • Confused Kidman's tits
  • Adulterous Kidman's tits
  • Sad Kidman's tits
  • Apathetic Kidman's tits
  • Dangerous Kidman's tits
  • and a 15min. brothel/orgy sequence.
Now to move on with no transition what-so-ever...

I actually felt like I was being punished for all my "sins" last night, when I went to go see Punisher: War Zone with some friends (Fo' free). It started off harmless enough, a decent title sequence and although I'm not going to review it, I want to mention some things. Despite it being one of the worst movies this year, I would still fuck the juices out of Lexi Alexander, although I would now feel a bit dirty and shameful after wards...and snuggling would be totally out of the question. However, the Punisher literally jumps off a semi to drop the People's Elbow on a generic bad guy. Completely unnecessary and ridiculous? Yes. Fucking awesome? Yes. The makeup was so bad, I was half-expecting Jigsaw to start walking up to people and ask "You wanna know how I got these plastic stitches?" Oh, and for all my fellow members of the Aryan Brotherhood, there's plenty of racism in the last 20min. of the film, including a black guy with dreadlocks who loves running and jumping and talks with a horribly harsh Irish accent (Also, can you tell Billy to stop untagging me on the Facebook Group photos?).

There's only one thing I can post that can follow all the ridiculousness that I described above, and yes, it's fucking hilarious because it's true...

I'll leave you with something that is necessary in times like these...something...motivational, inspirational and...lovable:

Monday, December 1, 2008

Day 57

I really hate motivational posters but I actually laughed at this...

Line of the Week: Rape: An American Family Tradition -IHOP Excursion

You know how sometimes you think you're getting a deal when you're actually not because you're completely unawares of any effects of said "deal?" Well I do, and I can safely say it probably almost killed me...except not.

I'm talking about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. After getting out of class and doing some stuff at home, I went to Ryan's house and from there, a few of us decided to go to Sonic. Why would I, Homero, the guy who eats Chicken McNuggets like they're Chicken McNuggets, ever want to go somewhere other than McDonalds? Well if I stop interrupting myself in the 3rd person, I'll tell you. On this fateful day, Sonic deemed it necessary to make all Corn Dogs only 50 cents...naturally, I decided to buy five of them, along with an order of Tater Tots and a large coke. I wish I could remember actually eating them all but I wasn't sober enough, althuogh I'm pretty sure I was crying while I tried to finish the last one...what a horrible idea.

Lets talk about Turkey Day and shit. I woke up feeling like shit onThursday, made myself some waffles (Perfect after corn dogs) and brought a Christmas tree into existence...just like this God character I hear so much about. It wasn't even that hard. I really don't get why he gets all this praise and I end up getting itchy fingers...it's bullshit. I mean, I did it while watching a marathon of America's Best Dance Crew which is actually very similar to Very Flexible High School Drop Outs.

Afterwards, I went to my aunts house to watch my family members get fat. Before we ate, however, my family stood in a circle around the food (Because that's what you're supposed to worship in Catholicism) and I watched them foolishly give thanks to, again, this God character. Seriously, who does that? Especially on a fay that has the word thanks in the title. By the time he actually get their message of thanks, it'll be January and he'll be too busy working on Super Bowl commercials and protecting Obama on the inaguration. I was the smart one though because I caught God on Facebook Chat, and even though he didn't reply because of his status (God is stroking his...ego!), I sent him a message to his email. I didn't give thanks, I just asked him why the hell he made The Dark Knight DVD so fucking retarded...it's not even worth buying. Case in point, God's been an arrogant asshole this year.

Working this weekend I noticed two things:
  1. Twilight fans are more retarded than I previously feared.
  2. Black people who last saw Soul Men, saw Transporter 3...
...so blacks like stupid comedy and Jason Statham. I actually have a theory that they have a thing for guys with English accents, especially if they're in an action movie, but I'll have to wait until The International comes out for me to test that.

Sorry about the short updates lately, I'm normally much better about it, but I've been too busy lately...especially with all the 20 DVDs I bought on African-American Friday. My next movie is Raging Bull, followed by Domino and then Se7en. Next week I'll explain to everyone how the ICEE came to be, but until then, LEAVE ME ALONE!!