Day 69

Still want to argue with me about the "right to life?"

Line of the Week: The only way you can get out of robbing my parents' house is if you have a...really...big...cock! -The most logical (pornical) way of confronting a thief in a porn I watched


I would like to submit a Public Service Announcement to all filmmakers in the entire world: KILL MOAR KIDS!!

I have one of my presets in my car radio set to an opera/classical music station in case I ever get in an accident. Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you! In the case of an traffic acci-erm, collision, who would a jury be more likely to believe, a kid with Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2nd Movement playing, or the adults with Lady Gaga or Kanye West? That's what I thought...it's called Psychology motherfuckers, learn ya some!

I've been trying to get into the habit to up my comedic chops by inventing new words, using new phrases or simply new definitions to old ones. I don't have too many right now but I'll make sure to update them as they come:

• Pornical - This is a hybrid of porn+logical, and basically encompasses all logic used in porn. Like the Line of the Week above, I watched a porn where this chick catches this guy dressed as the Hamburgaler stealing china and shit from her parent's house and she says the aformentioned line...the best way to describe it? Simple pornical.
• Get your fuck on - No new definition, it's just funnier than saying you're going to fuck someone.
• Dicking - Similar to the last one, you should just use it A LOT more often.
• Faded - I have no clue where or how I thought this one up, it just means that something is chill. Like, if you're smoking some ridiculous make-you-2nd-grade-retarded-high, you can say "Damn man, that shit's faded."
• Mether - This is to describe anything that's more ridiculous, crazy or energetic...as if you were on meth. "Man that rollercoaster was badass but this ICEE is mether!"
• Jewche - This is Jew+douche, creating an all new type of insult that brings them down to a pitiful level of self-esteem.

In my History class last week, my teacher asked us "What is welfare?" So I raised my hand and before he even picked me, I naturally responded with "...umm, my weed money... " That was one of the few times where everyone got the joke and then looked around to see who else was looking around to see who smoked weed...twas hilarious.

I was at a Quincenera a couple weekends ago and the dj eventually caved in and felt it necessary to play the Casper Slide. It's a song that tells you what to do, how often to do it and when to do it. The thing is, someone always claps a little faster than everyone else and fucks it all up...the best part however, is that there's also that one guy who gets unusually pissed at that person. He's really easy to spot too, he's the guy talking to his friend, saying things like "AHHH, COME ON!! Every goddamn time! Jesus man, I'm trying to get my fucking groove on to show off how smooth I can cha-cha to these chicks and you're throwing off my rhythm!"

Have you ever gone to karaoke bar and saw a black person not sing well? It really throw you off. I always feel like I should go up to them and say "Hey man, what happened up there? I thought all of you could sing? Maybe next time bro..."

Have you ever wished you could watch all those ridiculous accidents you drive by every day as they actually happened and maybe get to see someone transitioning from life to death? Me too!! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a dead baby!!!!!!

That's all for now. Granted, it's definitely one of my shorter updates but I've had the flu and I've been busy gearing up for this weekend. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to San Marcos to hang out with some collegiate friends of mine and I expect some blog-worthy events to occur and if they do, I promise I'll update this in two weeks at the most.