Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 67

I know you're touching yourself...stop it.

Line of the Week: Paris Hilton has fucked so many guys she doesn't have the clap, she has the applause...-Whitney Cummings on Chelsea Lately


One of those rare occurrences where I'm actually wrong happened recently, I was so unused to it it took me a while to get used to it. FuckMyLife is stupid, I'd much prefer a BlessMyLife site...then I saw there WAS one. FML is still stupid as shit but BML is MUCH funnier because of how pathetic it is. Instead of "I got inspired to blah blah blah", it should be something more along the lines of:
  • Saw some chick with DDs changing in her apartment and her bra fell off as I was walking by. BML.
  • May or may not have caused the accident that killed the cop that gave me my only ticket. BML.
  • I tripped and fell into a vagina that wasn't fat or ugly!! BML.
Lastly, and also 100% true...
  • I recently decided to look up my ex-girlfriends on Facebook and found only two, one had a child and the other gained about 40lbs...all I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't stick around to see those train wrecks occur. BML

Sometime during my foray into the horrible invention of summer school, I, keyword, I, accidentally locked MY keys inside of MY car. I didn't realize this until I got to my car and reached into my pocket, much to my surprise, althuogh I was lucky to find a business card of the campus police or whatever on my windshield. After calling it and going to the Officer's Office, he tells me that I'm going to get a citation for leaving my keys inside my car...I AM getting written up for leaving MY keys inside of MY car. Of course I didn't say that, I simply nodded my head and fought to hold back my tears of intimidation of the power of the campus police but I was in complete disbelief. I literally have no ending to this except that I couldn't believe that in my car, right now, is a paper saying I'm not allowed to leave MY keys inside MY car again or else I have to pay money to get them back...

I read somewhere, or nowhere, that laughter is the best calorie-burner...this explains why the people who've never read my blog are fat. It's also probably because I've recently installed a fat filter.

My biology teacher said "Humans are chemotrophs, which means you get your nutrients from..." to which I replied "Jack in the Box"...no one laughed but I ended up getting Jack in the Box after class, so I win.

A few Saturdays ago, I went to a strip club with a coworker and manager from work. Because she was 19 we had to sneak her in through the back where apparently all the black people hang out near the cars. Then, once we got in, we were informed it was a slow night (Only 62 girls) and there were a plentiful amount of creepy as motherfuckers. They walk up to one of the stages, stand their silently, trying and failing to hold their mouth closed, throw out the occasional bill and sit back down. If I hadn't been laughing so hard at how pathetic they were, I probably would've felt bad for them. Also, one of the managers began explaining how they hired girls, telling them how much weight they needed to lose, how bad their complexion is and how younger they need to look to even be allowed in.

The next day I messed around with a girl and because it was extremely spontaneous, it escalated rather quickly and long story short, I had no place to cum...a very sad day for my penis, folks. Sure I could've wasted a condom but I knew the following week was the last week of summer and having not worked much lately, I needed to save as much money as possible so I ended up having to fill a ziploc bag and later dumped it in one of those drainage pipes. Luxurious? No. Efficient? Yes. Hilarious? Very much so, and it gave me something to share with everyone here!

The following Thursday I went to Mexico and, thanks to my trusty G1, was able to catalog every thought and whim as it occured to me, just for this blog.

I was at the airport and it was announced that jokes were unacceptable in reference to the security system they have in place. I asked the check-in lady if it was ok if the joke was REALLY funny, like chike on your own laughter and maybe some urine comes out, like, not enough to stain anything but enough to wonder if anyone can tell...she smiled as she tried to hide her smile and forced out a no but I know she wanted the funny. some of the stores got me thinking that they should advertise more bluntly. For instance, Sharper Image: For homosexuals who like spending money on batteries. Also, there was a golf store that prominently featured cardigans on stands in the hallway. It was called In Celebration of Golf, although it should've been more like In Celebration of Gay!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha, fuck you, I laughed.

I can't be the only one who secretly uses his cellphone as much as possible in/around terminals in hopes of seeing my first plane crash...

I also saw a pretty uncommon number of black people traveling (2+), and to be honest, I was surprised. I didn't know black people traveled for reasons aside from a death in the family or to follow Lil Wayne on tour. Also, when I got to the resort, I realized I must have never received the memo about cellulite being "in" because there was enough of it in a 10 square foot radius on any part of the beach to sustain a country in Africa for six days.

The resort itself was alright, nothing special, but what really made it interesting was the people. Almost every person was a douchebag, white trash, fat or Mexican...it reminded me a lot of a flea market that smells like the beach. One thing I did like however, was that they had wristbands to determine who was old enough to drink alcohol and who was not. Although I had fun looking at the mediocre girls and going "Jailbait, jailbait, jailbait, fat, jailbait, oooh...good to go..." Also, it had a special event every night and the first night turned out to be karaoke. Some little girl sang Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On and because she didn't have any pubic hair or whatever, the crowd went insane for her. I was obviously not impressed, I mean we see this shit on America's Got "Talent" every Tuesday and Wednesday 9/8 Central on NBC, why don't you stop copying everyone and do something original? While you're at it, take those braids out of your hair, you look stupid...even for a 9-year-old.

You know what's cuter than a limp baby that's sleeping? No baby what-so-ever! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha, no, seriously, fuck you.

One thing that may surprise people about Mexico was that it was actually not as hot as Houston and despite being near the beach, also less humid. I know this because when I got off the plane and got back it felt like...well...think of it like this: You know how it feels to have your ball be so sweaty/sticky it attaches itself to your inner thigh? I feel like I'm a ball everytime I go outside an air conditioned building in this town. Also, I feel like I'm always getting stuck to buildings because they're sweating as well and I'm stuck there for 15min before someone becomes the hand that reaches down their pants and frees me. I can't wait for hell to freeze over, maybe that will help the conditions up here somewhat.

First day of Fall Semester 2009 was rather uneventful but I figured I'd throw in some stuff worth mentioning. I had another class but nothing interesting happened.

Psychology
The Hispanic chick, appropriately and horribly named Bianca, wrote that her favorite movie of all time was Step Brothers...OF ALL TIME...

Interpersonal Communication
We got candy, which I gobbled up, and the only thing that registered the entire day was that myteacher said "If I was allowed to teach this entire class using only Seinfeld clips, I would."...I almost cried tears of joy.

Precal
I had a substitute on the first day, so you can picture him, he looked like a gay Bill Gates with a buzz cut on a receding hairline...

Public Speaking
I have a MILF for a teacher, she's from Norway and despite having 3 kids in high school and being 48, she's almost as delicious as Jane Seymour.

I'm very excited to end this update because I get to show you all a string of videos that simultaneously gave me a pain in my chest from laughing and an erection. I give you the XXX parodies. That's right, porn parodies of your favorite TV shows, and Friends apparently. Featuring our favorite porn stars, Lisa Ann, Jenna Haze and blah blah blah. Here they are, watch them and enjoy!!

Scrubs


30 Rock


Friends


The Office