Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 70

This parking spot was reserved for white customers only, but I got in and out quick...

Line of The Week: "If you can barely afford the abortion, how you gonna raise a child?" -@bethatasitmay

Before you do anything else, if there is a single part of your body that even mildly enjoys laughing, click here and enjoy one of the most fantastic voice mails I have ever heard. I guarantee that if you post it on your Twitter or Facebook, you will get responses within an hour of people listening to it.

As most of ya'll know, I went to San Marcos a couple weekends ago and here's an overview of what went down.

Day 1
  • Waited all goddamn day for friends, one was gay, the other two were girls who probably forgot basically I was going with 3 women and my friend Dan.
  • Went to eat at a Chinese food place that serves food that's like a fried-rice orgasm in your stomach, fucking amazing.
  • We finally left and my driver can't fucking drive over 60mph apparently, so after we pull over for some gas, Dan drives while I proceed to jam to my iPod and pregame since we still have a while.
  • We finally arrive and surprisingly enough, it's actually a bustling party complete with a fat chick and a slut with a fucked up spine, horrible skin and grating voice that has a thing for giraffes (My shirt had a giraffe, courtesy of TEZ Clothing) so I told her I was gay with my friend Morgan and walked away.
  • More friends arrive after the fire in my throat is at it's peak and lots of talking, some 3-way kissing b/c we were in the 90s apparently and joking commences until abortion comes into the picture, then it's literally nothing but crying and laughing as more is consumed and people start to leave. It eventually hits 3-something-am and I pass the fuck out.

Day 2
  • I woke up to a dog in an adjacent room literally running full force into the door to be let out because it's owner, the fat whale, left for the weekend. I go to take a piss and see who's up (Everyone for at least 20min apparently, eh, fuck 'em, I like sleep) and look to my friend who's harvesting his crops on farmville on Facebook, which is like WoW for sad people who aren't good at real video games.
  • After a shower, we hit up this awesome Mexican food place and then go to the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin to watch Paranormal Activity, but since I'm with people who don't appreciate film we get there 5min before it starts, only to see a line out the door for it. Despite my annoyingly arrogant and persistent advice against doing it, we get tickets anyway, only to refund them minutes later, FUCK YOU.
  • Instead of watching another movie we go to this area where people buy vintage clothes for their shitty band's shows, gourmet cupcakes that cost too much for being all sorts of annoying and complicated and some place that sold candy and milkshakes which was pretty cool.
  • We all sleep on the way back to San Marcos and then chill and once again eliminate our sobriety before we get our food on at this place called The Getaway.
  • Our waitress was like an unfunny Megan Mullaly who made so many mistakes with our food that I was literally speechless. I did, however, eat one of the most delicious grilled chicken sandwiches and chocolate cakes I ever have in my entire life.
  • After the food, everyone goes back to the house to get stuff for the night and me and Dan go one street over to a comedy club where some of my favorite Houston comics are performing: Deadbeat Comedy Club, consisting of Mark Hurtado, Frank Garcia, Theodore Taylor, John Gard and Keith Manning. It was great to hear their sets again with new jokes thrown in and I finally got me some Stella Artois for the first time in weeks...such a great fucking beer.
  • We then headed back to the apartment and chilled until my comedian friends hit me up. Knowing it'd at least be funnier than what I was doing at the time, me and a friend went to their hotel room and got fucked up while watching people getting rightfully attacked by wild animals until almost 4am. Then we left and made it back to the apartment just in time to pass out again.

Day 3
  • This time I wasn't actually woken up by a dog, but by friends joking about donuts. Knowing they would probably get a craving for them, I texted them my order, to which they laughed at because they weren't going to go, and I went back to sleep. I was woken up an hour later telling me my donuts were here so I smiled as I got up and proceeded scarf those mofos down.
  • We got our stuff ready and played some a shitty game of Apples to Apples until we got tired of it and watched Monster's Inc. until like 2, when we finally left to get some lunch.
  • I think the name of the place we ate at was literally "Cafe in the square" and was filled with that exact same level of pretentiousness as the name. The food was alright and the old perverted guy behind us in the line to pay was pretty funny because I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I just assumed he wanted to fuck all the girls and have them stroke his grey pubic hairs with their teeth or something, so he was alright in my book.
  • We left and I slept as much as I could on the way home, where I finally got to sit down at my computer

I don't know, about you, but sometimes I like to put a water bottle in my cup holder, put my hand on the top of it and pretend that my car is a stick-shift and make shifting noises while I drive. Awesome? Yes, I think so. I told this to a friend of mine and his reply was that "its[sic] better when you really do have a stick." I used to do it with a real stick but people with bigger cars kept on giving me dirty looks when I used my penis.

I realize that I already have a bucket list, as well as a list of new phrases/words/definitions, but I'd like to make another one. This one will essentially just be the simple list of names I will never name my children, some with an explanation why.
  • Sherman - Sounds like a turtle's name
  • Marshall - This is no longer the 1960s
  • Rusty - This is no longer the 1980s
  • Victor
  • Brian - Too much hair...always too much fucking hair
  • Colby
  • Alexandra/Alexander/Alexis - People will call him/her Alex
  • Katie/Cadie/Katy - Because no one can spell it correctly
  • Miranda - Does this really need any explanation?
  • Brian
  • Brianna - That's a fat or black person's name...umm, no thanks.
  • Stan/Stanley - I don't want my kid to be a virgin until he's 43

During one of those times where you're just bored and letting your mind wander, I thought of a world where everyone was always rude, vulgar and honest. I can only imagine that the movies in that world would be restricted and rated based on how nice they were. Compliments would give them a PG-13, while a hug or a kiss would give them a pretty hard R-rating. I assume that the NC-17 would be saved for anything with tears or consensual sex...can you imagine?

That's it for now, it seems I have to write a paper and review of Amelia sometime soon...and in case you're wondering, it sucked and is looking worse and worse as I reflect on it. I'll leave you with two videos. The first is from Miles Fisher, a comedian with the greatest impersonations of Tom Cruise and Christian Bale. The second is from actor Peter Serafinowicz, doing even better impersonations of Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro and, my personal favorite, Kevin Spacey. Enjoy.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 69

Still want to argue with me about the "right to life?"

Line of the Week: The only way you can get out of robbing my parents' house is if you have a...really...big...cock! -The most logical (pornical) way of confronting a thief in a porn I watched

I would like to submit a Public Service Announcement to all filmmakers in the entire world: KILL MOAR KIDS!!

I have one of my presets in my car radio set to an opera/classical music station in case I ever get in an accident. Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you! In the case of an traffic acci-erm, collision, who would a jury be more likely to believe, a kid with Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2nd Movement playing, or the adults with Lady Gaga or Kanye West? That's what I's called Psychology motherfuckers, learn ya some!

I've been trying to get into the habit to up my comedic chops by inventing new words, using new phrases or simply new definitions to old ones. I don't have too many right now but I'll make sure to update them as they come:
  • Pornical - This is a hybrid of porn+logical, and basically encompasses all logic used in porn. Like the Line of the Week above, I watched a porn where this chick catches this guy dressed as the Hamburgaler stealing china and shit from her parent's house and she says the aformentioned line...the best way to describe it? Simple pornical.
  • Get your fuck on - No new definition, it's just funnier than saying you're going to fuck someone.
  • Dicking - Similar to the last one, you should just use it A LOT more often.
  • Faded - I have no clue where or how I thought this one up, it just means that something is chill. Like, if you're smoking some ridiculous make-you-2nd-grade-retarded-high, you can say "Damn man, that shit's faded."
  • Mether - This is to describe anything that's more ridiculous, crazy or if you were on meth. "Man that rollercoaster was badass but this ICEE is mether!"
  • Jewche - This is Jew+douche, creating an all new type of insult that brings them down to a pitiful level of self-esteem.

In my History class last week, my teacher asked us "What is welfare?" So I raised my hand and before he even picked me, I naturally responded with "...umm, my weed money... " That was one of the few times where everyone got the joke and then looked around to see who else was looking around to see who smoked weed...twas hilarious.

I was at a Quincenera a couple weekends ago and the dj eventually caved in and felt it necessary to play the Casper Slide. It's a song that tells you what to do, how often to do it and when to do it. The thing is, someone always claps a little faster than everyone else and fucks it all up...the best part however, is that there's also that one guy who gets unusually pissed at that person. He's really easy to spot too, he's the guy talking to his friend, saying things like "AHHH, COME ON!! Every goddamn time! Jesus man, I'm trying to get my fucking groove on to show off how smooth I can cha-cha to these chicks and you're throwing off my rhythm!"

Have you ever gone to karaoke bar and saw a black person not sing well? It really throw you off. I always feel like I should go up to them and say "Hey man, what happened up there? I thought all of you could sing? Maybe next time bro..."

Have you ever wished you could watch all those ridiculous accidents you drive by every day as they actually happened and maybe get to see someone transitioning from life to death? Me too!! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a dead baby!!!!!!

That's all for now.
Granted, it's definitely one of my shorter updates but I've had the flu and I've been busy gearing up for this weekend. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to San Marcos to hang out with some collegiate friends of mine and I expect some blog-worthy events to occur and if they do, I promise I'll update this in two weeks at the most.