Monday, March 31, 2008

Day 25

Gas prices may be rising, but paper's still looking good...

Line of the Week: Malibu Barbie was the Rosa Parks for California women. -Some comedian on I Love the 70s

I was leaving my Macroeconomics class last Wednesday when I noticed something very interesting as I got to my car. A silver Honda, about three cars away from mine was being sold. Now what got me wasn't the car or the great handwriting used to show the availability, it was the fact that the owner of the car wrote this right above the phone number: "Fo' Sale". At first I thought to myself "There's no way I just saw that", so I did a double take, and reaffirmed my fear that someone had in fact, written that.

The best part isn't even that they had sincerely written "Fo' Sale" in hopes of selling their car. No, it was definitely the apostrophe after the 'o' that was so nicely done. It was one of the best apostrophe's I had ever seen in my life; went from thick to thin, had a nice small curve at the end and was so perfectly placed that it would be impossible to mistake it for something else. I really love that someone was so stupid they wrote "Fo' Sale", but made sure they followed the correct grammar rule for it.

I like Amanda Bynes because she's the only female celebrity that hasn't had enough cocks in her to raise her testosterone level to that of a man's.

I had to take my sister to work at the new outlet mall on 290 Saturday morning. Define pathetic: As I dropped her off, I noticed a line that wrapped around a store. Moving to where I could see the store that was so popular for people who love buying name brands at a discount, I realized that the entire line - that consisted of at least fifty people - was for Coach.

Afterwards I went home, showered and got ready for the final comedy class at the Laff Stop. Basically Slim, Rob and Sam sat on stage and talked about the comedy industry as a whole and how to work it and whatnot. Then everyone went on stage and was critiqued on their performance, mine being my posture, pacing and saying 'like' too many times (Damn my generation!). At the end of class, we voted on who would get 20min. on stage and headline the class' showcase on April 20th, the resulting comic being yours truly. I'm going to start selling tickets the second you read this. Here are the rates:
  • 1 for $5
  • 2 for $10
  • 3 for $13 and so on.
  • Buying 6 tickets is unacceptable...get either 5 or 7, but 6 is not allowed.
Saturday night Nate and I went to a...sigh...Karaoke Bar. It was literally the kind of shit you'd find in a really bad Japanese movie; Asian guys and girls playing Tetris on wirelessly connected DS Lites while Korean, Japanese, Chinese, and Thai people sing Spice Up Your Life and Zombie.

Now today I experienced two weird situations in cars. First, I went to Jack in the box for lunch, and there was this guy driving a diesel truck in front of me at the drive-thru. His fucking truck was so loud he had to turn it off just to order. Then, as I was leaving, I saw that he was eating his food in the parking lot next door...hey guy, when it comes to saving gas money; you're doing it wrong. Besides, you get free motherfucking refills if you eat inside.

Then, as I was arriving on campus and saw a guy exiting, and as I turn in, he arrives at the stop sign (Still on campus, mind you) and lights a fucking stupid do you have to be to not be able to wait until you get home to light up? This is why driveways were invented, douchebag.

Also, starting next Monday, every Open Mic will consist of new material so come check that out.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Day 24

The Credible Hulk...better than Wikipedia

Line of the Week: Knuck if you buck -Socrates

For the record, I would bang the Right Wing out of Meghan McCain...I'd rip her pussy up worse than if she got it caught in an industrial-strength lawnmower.

Here are two films and a movie that will be definitely worth watching as soon as you can get your dirty hands on them:
  1. Love Songs - A French musical about a menage-a-trois.
  2. The Grand - A completely improvised film full of great comedians about a real poker tournament.
  3. The Foot Fist Way -One of the funniest characters since those from Sascha Baron Cohen or Andy Kaufman.
...and what do they all have in common? They're fucking impossible to see unless you live in New York or LA because they're only getting limited release...fucking pricks.

Saturday night was essentially the most stereotypical Mexican night I could possibly have short of somehow having Maracas in my hands. First, I had some family come over, then everyone cooked up the meat and tortillas for the tacos with no other drink than Coke. Afterwards, while I was playing Brawl mind you, everyone starts doing tequila shots for no good reason. Yeah, if someone had walked in and found me in that situation I probably would have frozen in place like a deer in headlights:

Me: Uhh
Him: ....
Me: Haha, now I know what you're thinking, but no; this is totally not what it looks all.
Him: Actually, no. I think it's exactly what it looks like.
Me: ...
Him: ....
Me: ...alright, fine. Damnit. Promise you won't tell anyone?
Him: No.
Me: Fuck you Nate, you're a dick.

I recently heard about this news story about a guy that raped a 5-month-old baby, you know, as opposed to a 5-month-old adult...which is ok. The first thing I thought before I read the story was "Psht, she probably deserved it..." until I read it. Then I thought these things in this order:
  1. So disgusting I felt my stomach gurgle
  2. gurgle is a weird-ass motherfucking word
  3. How do they know the baby wasn't asking for it or liked it initially, but then was like "Nope, not digging this"?
  4. What if the baby in question was dressed provocatively?
  5. How proud would my mother be if she read this?
  6. What if a baby raped an adult? How could you judge it if the tables were turned?
Tonight was my third time ever performing at the Laff Stop Open Mic...and goddamn did I fucking rock that shit. I was number 6 on the list (I would've gone later, but there's no fucking way I'm following Reverend Bart) and the comedians who went before me where either having a bad night or just weren't using their best material. I know most were using completely new material as I had seen their sets for the past few weekends, but in their defense the audience consisted mostly of redneck-type people, a few older teenagers that came to see me(Randy and Bradely Uppercrust III) and Allen with the remainder being mostly resident comics.

Suddenly I get called up on stage when I thought I had about ten-fifteen more minutes left to chill. so I get on stage with a determination to give this slow night and my friends one hell of a fucking show. What do I do? I go through my completely revamped set, finishing the best part, slave jokes, and barely finishing up my porn DVDs bit only to see that I'm out of time. Best Five Minutes. Ever. That's the kind of performance that reminds me why I thought I could do this in the first place.

In all seriousness however, mad props to every motherfucking comedian that performed to that barely decent crowd. Almost every single comedian did their shit, new or old, and got a few sober laughs, but overall they were great. After my first two somewhat-bad performances, I can honestly say that it takes real balls, or lips for the ladies, to get on that stage for five minutes.

Edit 3/25/08:
I woke up and came across something I really have to mention.

As most people know, I'm a big Nintendo fan, but grew up on Sega. This is why I play with Sonic on Super Smash Bros. Brawl, why I love the color blue and think Sonic is the most badass video game character aside from Conker the Squirrel.

That being said, I'm more than pleased to announce that Sega is working on a new Sonic game for the Wii called Sonic Unleashed and goddamn it does it look fucking gorgeous. Here is are some screenshots and an official video:

Monday, March 17, 2008

Day 23

He'll take your money and break your kneecaps...

Line of the Week: I didn't suspect you of being a pedophile until you lamented the loss of my braces. -Rachel from One Sentence

Whoever invented the stuff that creates ice is a real asshole. If you add it to your drink initially it waters it down before you reach the halfway point, and if you get ice to later put in your drink, it melts before you get to the halfway point.

Spring Break ended today for me, but just began for many people, especially for most of Houston, and it got me to thinking, does anyone remember the first time they heard about the concept of Spring Break? " meant to tell me that I don't have to go to school for a week, and at the end of it all, I get to each chocolate eggs all day?!! Holy fucking jumping jacks..." or something like that.

Wall-E is looking better and better every time a new teaser comes out...however, here's the final official trailer.

On Friday, David Letterman said "Team Led Shot Cock" but meant to say "Team Let Shot Clock"...and anytime an old guy says "cock" is fucking hilarious.

If you've never been to Paris, chances are you're never going to, but here's a Parisian who takes time out of his day to take some really good photos of Paris.

I make it a point to not watch Saturday Night Live due to the over-eccentric over-acting that is that show...and aside from maybe one or two skits a show, most are unoriginal or simply are not funny. SNL is what's raising the suicide rate in America.

I had my second Stand Up performance ever tonight, and wow did I improve over the one I did last week. I walked around stage, presented the set much better, but it's definitely still shite. My only problem was that the older black folk didn't laugh at my slave jokes...I just don't understand they didn't find that topic humorous. First of all, at least I, a lanky Mexican kid, have more balls than them because I'm actually the one on stage. Secondly, they're discriminating because they only laugh at black-related jokes if they're told by a black person.

Also, I'm really excited for this. Hopefully we'll be graced with at least one fetish for older women is now beginning to weird me out.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Day 22...Stand Up Virginity

In case you're wondering, yes, the mic smells really weird...

Like the title says, I lost it last night at the Laff Stop Open Mic. It didn't go as well as I planned, but I've been thinking it over a lot, taking into consideration what Rob said, and scrutinizing over everything I did and didn't do.

I'll try and make this as funny as possible, because I hate reading long paragraphs that don't make me laugh almost as much as I hate writing them.

Obviously, before my name was called I was surprisingly nervous, which led to a dry mouth, causing me to drink more water, filling up my bladder, making me want to pee, which in turn increased my's a vicious circle I tell ya'.

When I got on stage, I felt many things simultaneously (<--Least favorite word to write). At first I was a bit anxious, but that quickly went away when I noticed that I couldn't see the audience. Aside from the fact that there was no one in the front row, all I could see were a few eye balls, the timer, and a bit of horizontal light emitted from the bathroom hall. I hated this immediately, the only time I should be performing into darkness is if I'm performing for an bunch of naked black people...then again, I don't really want that either.

I had the weirdest feeling come over me while on was somewhere between boredom and apathy, and frankly, I hated it. I think a big problem is that I didn't have enough of my set completely memorized passionately, if I had had it completely ready I'd have much more confidence and keep the audience interested. I pathetically plow through my set completely ignoring all the things I promised I would do like take the mic off the stand, not pick up my notebook, captivate the audience oh yeah, and be funny.

The material was good, I just didn't sell it how I had practiced in my room or in my car on the way to the club. I got the audience with my first couple jokes, but after that I lost them and never got them back or even tried to. Afterwards, I felt mildly angry at the crowd, then doubtful at my skills, or lack thereof, considered berating the audience and then finally ended on being only angry at my self and being determined to get up on that stage next week and do everything completely different.

As for everything else, I've literally done nothing but eat, write and play Super Smash Bros. Brawl in hopes of killing as many brain cells as possible before I start really doing homework tomorrow.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Day 21

Your religion class is now obsolete...

Line of the Week: Hit me, I'm a woman. -Me and Allen

I finally got a banner up. I just kind of did it on a whim, and yes, I know that last word doesn't fit grammatically but I couldn't think of anything else. I'll probably keep it up there until I feel like making a new one...which probably won't be for a while.

Angelina Jolie and I have what I would call a generally-negative correlation; Every time I see her, she gets less and less attractive. She was barely acceptable in Tomb Raider, really good in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, barely scoffable (That'll be a word soon enough) in Beowulf and now she plays a "badass" assassin in Wanted? I used the quotes because Angelina would never pass for a hardcore assassin...ever. She's not a badass and hardly looks tough, and what little toughness she seems to accrue is only due to her tattoos.

If you haven't already seen this, you MUST watch the original I Am Legend ending. It's much better and portrays the premise of the story, that Will Smith is in fact, the monster. He is the one that's always hunting them while they're at their most vulnerable, not the other way around. Check it out here.

I had Fast Food for the first time in two weeks yesterday. It was fan-fucking-tastic. It felt like a fresh breath of cholesterol.

I had my first comedy class today. It really helped me find a way to introduce my material without it sounding awkward. I'll definitely have to work on that tomorrow to get a few minutes ready for Monday. I'm thinking pure hate-filled racism to start...or necrophilia...sigh...I can never decide. Regardless, I need to get a couple minutes worth of material about the current election, and seeing as I get my little political humor from Conan O'Brien, I'll have to start reading the newspaper a bit more.

You know when you do something for the first time and it feels so right it's almost as if you belong no where else in the world and the overwhelming sensation of finding your purpose in life flows through you?

Because that's what I felt today when I got on stage for the first time as a comedian...

Go to the Laff Spot on Monday if you want to see me do a 5min. set, if not, there's always a hotel room made just for you, a gun, and a bottle of Jack...

Monday, March 3, 2008

Day 20

Doesn't this just make you all warm and fuzzy inside?

Line of the Week: Can't buy a wife in prison with an apple. -Conan O'Brien

As of Saturday, we're now out of the 'febs'.

Friday however, was an interesting night. Nate and I went to take pictures at the Water Wall by The Galleria; seeing how it was pitch black however, we decided to scratch that idea, meat up with that Alam character and Nate's friends and got some grub before hitting up Express for a change of clothes. Afterwards we chilled at the Empire Cafe for a bit and went to Dave and Busters, where history was made. After a series of unsuccessful tries to get a decent amount of tickets, we decided to try and beat the system. After a few minutes of shoving various small tings through the side of the glass of that machine where you put tokens in, in hopes of knocking other coins down, it finally hit us to use the carton on the ticket buckets. Ten minutes and a piece of cardboard later, we had over 5,000 tickets and smile on our faces. Fuck you, you corporate pigs.

Like stated before, I now have George Carlin tickets, who's newest special aired Saturday, and recently saw that HBO released an exclusive interview. Check it out here.

On Saturday, we went back to Dave and Busters...where I bowled a 33. Yeah, a fucking 33. Even a blind 80-year old woman with Parkinson's Disease could have bowled a better game than I did.

If I was on Deal or No Deal I would eliminate first the black girls, then the Hispanic girls, then the blonds, then the brunettes until I was left with only Asians and redheads...because that's what daddy likes...

I downloaded Sander Van Doorm's newest liveset last night, and it is one of the most incredible sets I've heard in my entire life. It's got the kind of bass that:
  • Gives ghetto minorities an erection
  • Was made to rattle the trunk of your piece-of-shit car
  • Was designed for people who spend $3000 on their sound system while they live in a mobile home.
  • Stops the digestive process
  • Leaves your ass vibrating for an hour afterwards
Tonight I had the awesome pleasure of going to the Laff Stop to check out the Open Mic. While I went specifically to sign up for the comedy class, which I did, and stayed for another five-and-a-half hours to watch a bunch of other comedians do their five minute sets and try out new material. I really look forward to go there at least once a week and meet some crazy people. One thing I noticed, however, was that most comics were rather clean in comparison to the kind of shit I write...oh well, should be an interesting following weeks.

If you don't have anything to do on a Monday night, or just don't want to spend any money (Except for drinks), stop on by and check me out. The show starts sometime between 7-8pm.