Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 73

This is an image.

Lines of The Weeks: "What's black? Is black better than gold?" "Yeah. Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets, black involves three of them sucking your dick" -Sports agent from Eastbound & Down

There was a better kid's party up the street!! -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

Remixing Daft Punk is like writing fan fiction of The Bible. It’s risky business. -Some music blog

I went to Jack in the box the other day and decided to try something new and ended up having a horrible experience, you know that time once a year when just everything is wrong? The fries are bland, the coke is low on syrup, they only give you one napkin...what the fuck am I gonna do with the one napkin that's always in the middle of the bag that's soaked with grease? Nothing, you have to throw that shit away. Anyways, I ended up trying their chicken strips because I love the ones from Whataburger so I figured I'd give Jack and try. You wanna know what they give you with your chicken strips at Whataburger? Gravy! You wanna know what they give you at Jack in the box? Buttermilk homemade sauce or some shit. Buttermilk? This isn't fucking iHop, I want my goddamn gravy, Mr. Box.

You know what the worst part is, now you have to spend even MORE money later! Because if you're like me, and I'm sure ya'll are, if you have a shitty experience at a fast food place, you have to go back later to get that nasty shit out of your system. You know right off the back to, you try a little bit of everything and then you just look at the bag depressingly..."Well fuck, I wanted to eat with my family tonight but apparently I'm going to Jack in the Box again later..." Damn it.

A bird power-walked out of my way when I was on my way to my car the other real joke here, well, aside from a power-walking bird that doesn't want to get in anyone's way.

When I was waiting in line to get into Best Buy for African-American Friday, a shopping cart caught on fire. I figured it was your regular run-of-the-mill shopping cart fire but everyone started freaking out and 4 different cops came. Usually it's the same 4 cops, but they really switched it up this time. That was the most eventful part of waiting in line to get some Blurays and you know what? It was worth it because I stopped by Half-Price Books afterwards and got myself $80 worth of books and movies as my friend and chauffeur was asked if he was at least 16...and he's actually 19. It was adorable how angry he got.

You can't say "no" to rape jokes...they won't let you. In fact, they won't leave you alone until they're done...making you laugh.

Avatar came out December 18th, so me and 3 other friends waited in line at our nearest IMAX 3D theater at 6pm on the 17th to watch it at midnight. There was us, then some black people, two fat guys, some older folks and then a bunch of nerds who brought Risk or some sort of game that probably delt with both troops and mana. Oh, and there was also some big guy with a sweater-vest, and let me assure you that there's NOTHING funny about that.

So Brittany Murphy Died. Her 43 fans had a memorial a week ago I think, but I'm not sure, the newspaper article was written at the last second in pencil and I couldn't read it all that well. After I found out, I posted on this on Twitter: Of all the celebrities, Brittany Murphy is the one to die? Why not Kristin Kreuk or Jennifer Lopez?! Damn it, maybe next time...

First of all, I didn't know Kristin Kreuk had so many fans, I guess it's true that retarded people tend to congregate. Secondly, people make no sense. Does anyone really care that someone, who has never done a movie that's really THAT funny or even THAT good in their life, died? Not me. Get the fuck over it. God forbid another talentless and forgettable celebrity dies at a young age because of drugs or other responsibility issues.

I know you've been waiting, and here's a new term to add to my word list:
Snooked - This is a great word to use when you suddenly get screwed over or something shitty/unpleasant happens to you without warning. "Oh shit! That guy just got fucking SNOOKED!"

A girl was wasted at a party a couple weeks ago and at around 3:30am decided to pull out her phone and exclaim "Oh man, it is not a good idea to talk to your dad when you're feeling not great!" She's not too smart or good looking but whatever, this is free entertainment mofos! Anyways, she got a drunken dicking later and I'm pretty sure that fixed her up real good-like.

My manager at work was talking about how awesome it would be to be back in the days of robin hood after seeing the the trailer for Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. I took this a serious statement and immediately agreed and said "Oh man, and not just for the pillaging and raping!" This made all my male coworkers turn around and join in on the conversation, eventually ending at this monologue:
"What're you talking about? If you're going to pillage and shit, you might as well rape women too. It's not like burning someone's house down when they own enough things to buy them all at the speedy checkout at H-E-B is going to do any real damage to them, you might as well just throw paint on their fur coats and giggle. If you're going to create a fear that will allow you easier conquest, you follow the rule of Keyser Soze and hold nothing back. I mean, you job is to basically make their life shit as fast as possible while getting the most out of it for you, so take some pride in that shit and get it done RIGHT.
Say you burn down their house and they get it all back from the insurance because they had Pillage-Proofed their home, and then a few weeks later, they get raped. When they describe to people how the worst day of their life went, they're probably going to go with the physically and emotionally non consensual pain instead of their temporary demotion from a homeowner.
If you want to really fuck them over, you need to literally fuck them. If you're already burning down their life, you might as well rape them and give them the worst experience they could ever imagine. Think about it, later in the future, they'll probably even be stronger people because of it! You don't want to be known for being the guy who burned and pillaged the Canadians of that time period, you want to be the guy who raped the American Superpower. Now THAT will get you laid...consensually this time."

Oh, and in case you care(You should), here's my official list of the Top 10 films of 2009:
1. The Hurt Locker
2. In the Loop
3. Avatar
4. Fish Tank
5. Inglourious Basterds
6. Up in the Air
7. (500) Days of Summer
8. A Serious Man
9. Observe & Report
10. Up

Here's a promo for Louis C.K.'s new show that will be premiering FX...after watching this video three times, all I can say is that I LOVE stand up comics. Best motherfuckers in the world:

Oh, and next time you want to send a dick-pic to some broad, give it a ponder:

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