Day 32

What the repercussions of this entry will be like...

Line of the Week: Jesus Plane -Pastor Shepard

Someone, or no one, recently asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars. Now obviously going to Barnes and Nobles and spending it all to get drunk with knowledge (sapiosexual, remember?), however that's more fun in real life than on paper. After much thought I came up with ways I would spend this new found scratch. Keep in mid that these are all options, any of them can be interchanged with another:

• Get away with rape - I would go to the Galleria, rape a MILF, throw 50 Gs at her and walk away a happy man.
• Buy drugs - Now before you start questioning my morals, I mean pharmaceutical drugs. I would bribe the annoying pretentious dick on the other side of the elevated counter at Walgreens and get myself some Viagra, Aderrall, Codine, and whatever fun goodies exist back there. I would put the viagra in every drink in every social event I would go to, sit back and enjoy the awkwardness...can a clit get an erection?
• Open a bar - It would mean I get liquor sent to me, and I could host a couple open mics a week and then bring in bands or whatever on those other days. Did I mention the alcohol would come to me? Because it would.
• Get rid of this guy...I mean, even the New York Post knows he's a douche.
• Buy Green Garden, the Chinese food place I eat at every chance I get, and have them send me an order of Sesame Chicken and Chicken Fried Rice to my house at least thrice a week.
  
• Buy enough people and equipment to allow me to burn every Wal Mart within 40miles to the the ground.
  

Not too shabby, eh?

Yesterday I had Chinese food for lunch and ate so much it hurt to move afterwards. The first thing I did when I got home though was masturbate, then pee and then end with a nice fat dump; and you know what? Afterwards, it felt like I hadn't eaten a thing all goddamn day...

Some niggers broke into my mom's car at Bear Creek park on Saturday. Apparently they got the whole parking lot as well. They broke everyone's window and stole purses and whatever valuables anyone had there. I'm not really surprised because Bear Creek Park is swarming with those people...criminals, of course. It's been really ghetto for a while and aside from the fact that I hate public parks, it's lowly participants are what make me stay home whenever I'm asked to go.

In case you're wondering why I said niggers instead of black people, it's because of this. Although rarity gives nigger, as a word, its power, another factor of this is the hate behind it. I used to say it all the time but then it was boring because it was almost expected for me to say it, so I stopped. Then one day I was asked to define what nigger meant to me, and I didn't have an answer, so after about a week of pondering of definitions, I finally came up with one where I could still use it as intended while making it rare enough to make it mean something when I said it. The definition I came up with is more-or-less "an evil or bad black person" and then applied it to every other race and their respective racial slurs.

Now I don't have any nigger friends, but I do have a bunch of black friends...as niggers usually are those who get caught up in bad things like crime, drugs and other situations of the sort, so if anything, they deserve to be called it. Black people on the other hand are normal contributing members of society and don't want tobe associate with "the others" in any way. I realize that many people are going to be appalled and angry about this paragraph, but let me remind you how much I care...oh wait, I don't. Hahahahaha.

Did you watch Iron Man? If you did and liked it, like me, and don't want the fun to end, check out Rod Hilton's Abridged Iron Man Script.

It's no secret that The Greater Truth is simply an advanced and exaggerated version of my real personality, but I have to ask myself from time to time, is this arrogance leaking into my subconscious and rearing it's ugly yet interestingly hilarious head into my daily social life? Probably. Though it may be comedic and entertaining in the short run, I think this is bad in the long run...I guess some personality tweaking is in order...this personal development that's been happening since I took Philosophy is fun and all, but it requires all this...work...damn it.

This entry sucks because I'm typing this as I'm packing to go to Monterrey from tonight until Monday morning. That being said, I'll probably have better shit next week, and in case you're wondering no, I didn't make it to the Semi-Finals of Houston's Funniest Person Contest. However, you can help by going here:

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/houstonsfunniest/watch/HomeroArellanoVOTEFORWILDCARD

Then click on "Vote for Me!" on the right-side and use a valid e-mail address and you're done. You can vote once a day, which means you can get 4 votes per e-mail address. If I make it in, I'll be doing a 100% new, completely unheard of set that I will end with a reference to this site and shmaybe its readers.

I'll see everyone when I'm back in this midly-English-speaking country we're all so fond of.

Day 31

Fucking Americans and their illegal rape...

Line of the Week: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos. -Ari Gold on Entourage

Ollie Lang Clinic was quite an enjoyable experience. It was great hanging out with him, and when I say 'hanging out' I really mean taking pictures of him when he's not looking. After Saturday I went to Nate's house and after I washed all the sweat off my balls we went to Adam from Grudge's house in Clear Lake about an hour away, ate some crayfish and played some GTA IV (which is badass). After that we met Chinaman up at Fry's, only to find out he was with some friends who are idiotic enough to bring a fucking 9-year old kid with them...which means unless we wanted to go the McDonalds Playplace, we could do shit with that dead-weight around.

I offered to perform a "Late Abortion" but the bastards wouldn't let me, so we drove back to Nate's house while complaining about gas prices and chilled before we crashed. Seriously though, who brings a kid to hang out with college kids? I'm pretty sure abortion was invented by college kids. What a schmuck.

The next day I went back all the way to Twisted did the photography thing, getting shot three times total and dragged my tired-ass home, accumulating the total miles driven in two days to about 150+ miles. Ass-numbing? Yes. Relaxing? Fuck yes.

In case you haven't checked my MySpace or Facebook, I made it to the Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Competition. I'm so fucking excited about it since I'm one of, if not, the youngest and newest comedian to have a chance to make it to the Semi Finals. I'll most likely be doing a new set that will slowly start transitioning me away from racial humor and will definitely be hilarious enough to get me in the next round.

Come support me, here's the details:
What: Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Contest!!
When: Tuesday, May 13th at 8pm.
Where: Laff Stop
Alternatively, take 610 to I-10 East, take a right on Westcott, Left on Memorial, right on Waugh and it's the very first building on the right. Second floor, you can't miss it.
How much: Ridiculously cheap price to see 12 great comics perform - $5.
Why: I want to prove, mostly to myself, that although I lack the experience right now, I will soon be a damn good comedian with solid non-hack/Dane Cook/Carlos Mencia material.

I wasn't going to post this since the moment I found out they were making a Speed Racer movie completely in CGI almost made me want to bathe in bleach, but damn me was I wrong. The W. Bros uploaded the first 7min. of Speed Racer (Came out today) and I've gotta say, it looks really damn good:



I agreed to have lunch with my parents a couple days ago and man, was the joke was on me this time. I get into my dad's truck and there in the front seat is the old lady they've been taking care of because she's selling us her property. This is a problem because if you can't tell by my misanthropic and anti-humanity related rants and off-the-cuff remarks, I'm not a big fan of the oldies. I mean, I'm fine with like that 102 year old lady from England who can still walk, dress herself and even drink, but it's the 80-somethings that can't walk that annoy me.

First of all, they're the ones that smell like death just farted on them while he was waiting for them to die. Secondly, who wants to live that long? What do you do when you can't walk alone, can't cook and have your license taken away? DIE, exactly, which is what those old people need to concentrate on doing, not talking about their kids who are very much alive and that I don't care about. So she starts talking about how much her first kid weighed even though no one asked her about it and went on to ramble about how much she can remember and blah blah blah.

We finally get to the restaurant, Luby's, and I find out that she's not only really old, weak and needs help walking...she's also LEGALLY FUCKING BLIND! I'm down with deaf people, I can tolerate mute people and I can kinda deal with Italians on a good day...but blind people?! That's too much. In a sense of irony it seemed, Luby's put up those bank-line ropes, which means we had to zig-zag her to the buffet. This also meant we had to put up with her complaining "Why are we going this way, didn't we just come from there?"...and I wish it was over here, but it wasn't...sigh...

Luckily, the only part that was left was to eat, so I gobble up my food for the sake of being able to use the word 'gobble' outside of November, but simultaneously and subtly watched her eat (Or try to). She couldn't even eat right! She'd get like one small piece of food and when it reached the halfway point from her plate to her mouth (What Zeno would call M1), her mouth would open and sart shaking vertically...so fucking annoying and disgusting...it's almost appalling how inconsiderate people are in public these days.

That idiot Carlos Mencia has a new special out called Performance Enhanced where he decided to to wear his boyfriend's gayest shirt possible. This shirt looks like it was made out of sodomy and Satan's anal leakage. I mean, aside from fucking The Devil anally, how else did he get his TV show? I have to say though, I'm jealous of one thing Mencia has...and that's his specials. The talentless thieving hack has had at least three specials in the last decade, beating Lewis Black, a comic with talent.

Pathetic...if he REALLY wants to be "badboy" of comedy in regards to racial humor, while still hitting hard with some good shock value, he needs to try some stuff like this:

• I like my slaves like I like my coffee, Black.
• I like my like my terrorists how I like my coffee, Brown.
• I like my women how I like my rice, Yellow.
• and I also like my women how I like my teenagers...experiencing puberty.
  

and I've gotta say that I've thought it through and I'm 100% sure that there is no better way to end this entry than with the pedophile remark above. So come see my show, Mencia's a douche, pedophilia is in and I'm spent...

Day 30

Need I say more?

Line of the Week: You used Ghostbusters for evil!! -Tina Fey on 30 Rock


Iron Man, Iron Man, Iron Man...yeah I saw it today, and honestly, would you expect anything less? The movie was great, no doubt about it, and is worth every penny you pay to go see it. The CG was incredible, sound effects were incredibly crisp, the humor was just right and the acting was more than superb. However, what kind of a skeptic would I be if I didn't point out the flaws that bothered me about it that stopped it from being a perfect 10/10 film? A nice one...and that is certainly NOT me. There's really only one problem with the movie and that is the action, or lack thereof. The action sequences they have are completely badass and are done flawlessly. However, the only real enemies he's fighting are his previous and rather hindered capturers. The only time there is a real one-on-one battle is at the end, against Iron Monger, and is extremely bland due to Iron Man's arc reactor being the weaker one. This makes the entire final battle disappointingly one-sided with Iron Monger being destroyed by something completely random and without any real climax. Overall, after talking about it with other film buffs and going over the film a couple times, I think Iron Man deserves an 8/10 as far as the Iron Man franchise goes, and a 9.5/10 as a film. Go see it.

In case you were looking for proof that abortion is not only right, but should be encouraged, look no further than this picture.

Wednesday some couple in a car stopped me on my way to class to ask me where the library was...so I pointed to the nearest building, about 30 feet away from me and the car, and said "Oh, it's this big building that says 'Harris County Public Library' on it...". Apparently too numb by the irony to figure out what happened, they proceed to ask me if I know if there was a "gaming tournament going on". At this point I gave them a "Did you really just say gaming tournament to me out loud?" look and just walked away.

I also went to go see Tina Fey's new film, Baby Mama, last weekend and that's another film I think everyone should see. Some really great comedy, Fey's a beb, the funny token black man and a bunch of other comedy moments. Here's the interesting part, when I went to sit down, the girl I was with noticed that there was a liquid spilled all over the floor for like three rows...my guess is that someone's water broke in the theater. Basically, for a few minutes before we decided to get up and move we were dunking our feet in deliciously moist and sticky uterus liquid...let that sink in and imagine it.

A new trailer was uploaded recently for The Dark Knight and it looks even more badass than the first.

I was nervous as fuck on Tuesday for Houston's Funniest Person Contest, and even though I knew with my material that I wasn't going to go the the next level, I know I'm a pretty damn good contender for the Wild Card and at least a good amount of Houston comics know who I am, which was the main reason why I was nervous. I had a great time and everyone did great, everyone who I expected to make it, did, and I'll be at the Semi-finals to cheer them on. I can't wait to try out some new material next week. Now if I can only get on the next Laff Stop Showcase I'd be set. Here's the video from the contest:

Recently, I was driving with my windows down and on my way home I saw that someone else was also doing it as they drove next to me. The difference, however, was that she weighed over 250 pounds and had her arm out of the car. Not only could I see her arm flapping in the wind...but because I had me windows down I could also hear the flapping, which sounded extremely similar to a dry raspberry. As if this wasn't bad enough, because we both had our windows down I could see her fat arm with great detail. If I had had my windows up it would've been a bit darker and maybe blurrier, but because I didn't, it was like her fat flapping arm was in fucking blu-ray. I could almost see the cellulite chunks flying off her arm and hitting her poor uneducated kids in the back seats.

Uterus liquid...

This semester is almost over. All I've got left are finals and then it's back to doing nothing productive, which is defined by my parents as "doing something that makes money" but she won't even let me work at any place I like. Neither an abortion clinic nor professional-murderer's apprentice are good enough places for her.

Now I gotta get mah shit ready for the Ollie Lang Clinic I'm photographing tomorrow...hopefully some funny shit will go down that I can write about on my next update and then we can laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh...

Day 29

Fuck creationism, this is the truth!

Line of the Week: Where do baby ants go to school? - Ricky Gervais on Extras


Aside from the next sentence, this whole update is going to almost be completely about television or films. I recently found a way to describe myself:
Sapiosexuality:
1. (n.) A behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use. From the Latin root sapien, wise or intelligent, and Latin sexualis, relating to the sexes.

The day after my last update I got the DVD from my performance on Sunday at the Laff Stop, if you haven't seen it, it's on my Facebook Page. Here's the link for the rest of you lazy fucks; click here.

I just found out that Baby Mama, the first film starring Tina Fey in way too long, was both directed and written by someone either than Tina Fey...wtf?! This is just depressing. Not only is it being directed by someone with little experience and only a few movies under his belt as anything but a writer, but this is also his directorial debut!! With a Tina Fey film! However I have faith that anything with Tina Fey can't be so bad that $6 won't be worth it, so I will definitely be checking it out tomorrow.

Here's a video on how not to pick up girls.

I have a friend who associates me with nigger. That's right, every time she hears the word nigger, I'm the first person that pops into her mind. IS THAT NOT FUCKING BADASS?! Seriously, most people it's like "Whenever my friends hear cheese, they think of me, because I ate cheese for three days one time" or "Everyone thinks of me whenever they hear KKK"...ok, granted, that last one is pretty fantastic too, but it's not as descriptive as mine. Also, you have to think of it this way (Well, I have to, I'm contractually obligated), it's better to have a comedian pop up in your head whenever she hears nigger, instead of, like me, just thinking of an evil black person...



...upon reflection; Best. Punchline. Ever.

On Thursday I saw a Vagina on ER. Now before you get excited, keep in mind that it was blocked...BY A FUCKING BLOOD-DRENCHED BABY!!

Interview with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant about The Office and their other works: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

I watched an episode of Ugly Betty...well, I tried to at least. I can see why it's hated by everyone outside of the US, aside from the reason that it's the fourth or fifth spin off of a show that originated in Brazil I believe. You see, in the others, the acting was good and, like most films, they use a decent looking girls and make her ugly, whereas the US version takes the ugly America Ferrara (Who doesn't pronounce her own name correctly) and makes her even uglier.

A few TV reminders for all the nerds out there. House comes back on next week at 9pm. Deal or No Deal (the worst excuse for a game show ever) is having a Star Wars 2-hour Edition next week...yeah... Needless to say, I'm going to be tuned in, along with hundreds of thousands of other teenagers, however they have never seen a real vagina or the sun, so I'm superior.

Apparently, 63% of terrorists blame Dr. Phil for the reason they attack the United States.

Today I went went with a friend to go see Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay and holy shit, if you're reading this and haven't seen it, you need to get the fuck off your lazy ass and watch it. This is the funniest movie of 2008 so far(I know we're only in April, so sue me) and it leaves all other in the fucking dust, including Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This movie makes so many hardcore racist jokes I was actually the only one with balls to laugh so hard I was crying, and had some decent one-liners. The ending is kinda cheesy but upon reflection, it doesn't matter because the entire middle is like a delicious burger patty of comedy.

Day 28

Proof that the Writers' Strike wasn't that bad...

Line of the Week: Hey black people, DON'T VOTE!! - Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock


Before I begin, let me get the movie news out of the way.

• The Spirit - I talked about this in the last update, but the teaser trailer came out this weekend and it looks fucking gorgeous.
• Taken - Liam Neeson starring in an action film that will probably make Rambo look like Daddy Day Care 2.
• Ghost Town - An upcoming comedy about a misanthropic dentist who can see ghosts. The best part? Stars Ricky Gervais.
• X-Files: I Want to Believe - I didn't hear about this until yesterday...and it's already in post-production! How is this not everywhere? X-Files is one of the epitomes of pop culture references.
• Fanboys - A comedy about Star Wars fanboys trying to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal an early print of Star Wars: Episode 1. George Lucas saw it, approved it and even let them use the same sound effects found in the original Star Wars.
• Heckler - It's about time a film like this came out...hopefully it'll be a wide release.
  

I 've gone to Quiznos so much in the past few weeks that the entire staff memorized what I eat, and began to prepare it today before I even reached the counter to place my order...I don't know how to feel about this. Maybe it's pathetic, but I'm almost proud and it felt like an episode of Cheers...now if only I can get them to greet me by my name when I walk in...

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people say that "drinking is getting old". Here's the deal idiots, if you've thought that or said that, there's only one reason for it. You drank for the wrong reasons. Chances are you drank to fit in, to be popular or because of peer pressure. As for me, I drink for one reason with a varying sub-reason. Because I love the taste of dark beer and sometimes I want to get wasted and justify my habit of groping random women.

Every time I see those Mac commercials with Justin Long and John Hodgman I can actually hear America's IQ drop a point.

Last Month brought upon a Vanity Fair issue that featured Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman and Amy Poehler on the cover. The main story read "Who says women aren't funny?" and addressed the negative stereotypes female comics have had to deal with. As I type this I'm actually reading the article and finding incredibly interesting. If anyone has the issue, or knows someone with it, I'll buy it from you or them...seriously.

Here's what I think. I think the reason why people think most women aren't funny is because they're only doing female comedy. The most successful female comics talk normal, without being gender-specific or about periods, women's rights, marriage, etc. Sarah Silverman, Kathleen Madigan, Ellen DeGeneres, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers and Roseanne Barr just to name a few. Frankly, I'm not a female comic so I can only sport so much weight on this subject, so I'll let author Alessandra Stanley tell it like it is. Here's the link to the article and the behind the scenes video.

I bet Kathleen Madigan probably gives sloppy blowjobs. I don't mean sloppy like something bad or unwanted, I mean it in a wet and highly desirable manner. A blowjob you only see in porn movies with extremely loud sucking-noises coming from the incredibly wet penis...doesn't sound so bad now does it?

It was recently the "birthday", you'll see why I use the quotes in a sec, of a kid I knew in high school who is now dead (see?). I thought that since he's dead it's no big deal, right? WRONG...so fucking wrong. Interested in people's minds and actions, I casually looked at his Facebook profile and saw pages and pages of people writing "Happy Birthday!!" except with terrible grammar and somehow managing to spell "birthday" incorrectly. I don't think people get the whole birthday thing; you see, it's called birthday because it represents the day you were born - day of birth - which I incorrectly assumed was global-wide knowledge. That being said, once you have a deathday (much less common, so much that spell check doesn't even know about it) and, like your birth certificate, you have your death certificate...your birthday is completely nullified. No cake and candles for you. The point I'm trying to make, is that when people die, they cannot have a birthday as it would go against science and God, so if you wish a dead person Happy Birthday, you're slapping God in the face with a titanium dildo.

The Editing Room, run by Rod Hilton, is one of my main influences for comedy and recently released an abridged script of Juno that is just as funny as the film itself. Check it out here.

The Comedy Class Showcase was last night at the Laff Stop. I was headlining so I got to watch everyone's act before going home to work on English. It was fantastic, everyone brought their "A-Game" and did really well. It was a blast being on stage with the highlight of the night definitely being the very last joke of my set. Tonight is Racist Night at the Open Mic so hopefully I'll be able to get some more stuff ready, aside from the slave and jew bits.

Afterwards, I came home and instead of working on my English stuff, sat down and for about an hour and half worked on a comedy MySpace and Facebook page. The only reason I didn't make these sooner is because I had absolutely no pictures of myself on stage. Here are the links:

Comedy MySpace - Add me, I'll post bulletins every time I'll be on stage (Aside from Open Mic Mondays).

Facebook Page - Become a fan and whatnot.

Send the links to friends, family, neighbors, midgets or anyone that lives in Texas.