Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Day 12

You've got it made, so stop complaining about Cloverfield bitches.

Line of the week: If carbon monoxide wasn't so bad for us, I would probably stick my penis in a lot more tailpipes. -Me to Nate in front of Fry's.

I saw Cloverfield again with Nate on Friday, and I really want to meet the little pansy fucks who had to walk out of the movie because they felt so nauseous from the camera "shaking too much". The only scene in the movie that could even be considered is a few seconds after Jason dies on the bridge and they all run to Sephora, at which point the Sephora employees came outside with free samples and touched up the actors while explaining the advantages of using Sephora-brand make up over the leading competitor's brand. I might have to go watch it again to verify those details exactly...

Later we chilled at his house and I showed him the ropes of Battlefield 2 until we decided to hit the hay (Yes, I was the big spoon). The next day I lounged around the house and at night I went to Nate's house again, went to Ken's house for a get together with delicious popcorn chicken and when we were back at Nate's house, he played BF2 while I struggled to stay awake and eventually passed out.

I don't get why kids have iPods and PSPs and shit. Not only do they not know what PSP stands for, or have the ability to spell it out if they did, but the it's been considered Sony's 'fail' since day one. Also, they don't need them...at all. Man, when I have kids, they're not getting any kind of mp3 players until middle school, and no cell phone until high school. Why? The worst kids are products of the worst parents, which are the same ones that give their children all these instant-gratification gadgets; making them unhealthy, illiterate and adds them to the list of kids and parents alike who hide behind their fake ADD diagnosis, given because they're both just way too damn impatient.

I recently came across an article on Core77 that showed me that I'm not the only person who has noticed that the cell phone companies and grammar organizations have been collaborating all too well in the past few years.

My dad recently expressed to me his desire to purchase a laptop, to which I replied "Take mine", which he considered. Yes, this means I might get to build myself a brand new desktop. The online PC parts browsing has officially begun.

These last two History classes have been really boring. All we're talking about are those damn Injuns. Now I don't hate Native Americans, I simply find them ridiculously tedious to learn about. If a Native American were to want to teach me about his culture, I just wouldn't be able to handle it:

Small Paw: Have you ever felt the sands of time be blown through the winds of wisdom?
Me: What the fuck, man? That doesn't even make sense.
SP: Then, let me explain. Do you want to hear it from the begi-
Me: Yeah...no. Look, it's not that I don't love hearing about adobe houses and the whole "Woo woo woo" sound effect, it's just that the word 'seppuku' pops into my mind every time that topic gets brought up.
SP: ...but...but...we're the basis of America and withou-
Me: Yeah, still don't care.
SP: You're an asshole.
Me: Yeah, why don't you cry me a Trail of Tears?
SP: WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm gonna scalp you in your sleep.
Me: Okay, just try not to get too much make-up...err...'War Paint' on my bed.

In History, we had to do a write a quick one page essay on one of the many advantages Europeans had over the Native Americans when conquering the Americas. One girl wrote a page and a half, and I'm not kidding about this, saying that the main reason the Europeans had an advantage over the Native Americans was because they spoke louder. When I heard my History professor say this, I started having to suppress my laughter so much that I felt like I was back in high school...not because of my feelings, but because of the intelligence level.

I would love to learn about American History in another country, especially England. I'd love to hear that interactive lecture:

Professor: Alright, let's move on to the colonization of the Americas and all that shite.
Student: Umm...I don't know if that's proper language for school...
P: Oh quit yer whinin'. What are you? An American?
S: Huh? I don't ge-
P: Oh you know bloody well what I'm talking about.
S: I really don-
P: Yeah you do. We go over to colonize the Americas, and those idiots call themselves American and start complaining like a couple of thirteen year old cunts; saying things like 'Oh, you're so mean' and 'we want to govern ourselves' and WAH-WAH-WAH.
S: That's not what it says in the book...
P: Well this is the real truth.
S: Uhhh, ok.
P: So after we got sick of their whining, we decided to just give them the damn land, and now look at it. They're hated by everyone, breed some of the stupidest children in the world, are quintessential example of corruption and invented the consumerism that is destroying our world with things like bacon-flavored bubbles.

We need to change the saying "The best thing since sliced bread" to "The best thing since perforated edges". Not only does it update it to our needs, but sliced bread isn't anything fucking special.

My first day of Macro-Economics was today. I sat next to the chick who played some stupid hunting game on her cell-phone, but was later replaced by the guy who arrived half an hour late and has the body odor that could kill a fetus. I was worried the professor was going to be exceedingly dull as the whole time we were waiting for people to arrive he just sat there looking at us in silence, but when he got up and started talking with his awesome [I think] Russian accent, he made a few jokes and kept the lecture interesting. Should be a decent class.

Is Godzilla's most famous baby named Jesuzilla? Get it? Eh? No? Damnit.

I was watching Dave Letterman tonight and his top ten list was "Top Ten things a monster would say" or something similar. One that really made me laugh was something along the lines of "I was going to destroy the country but it looks like the mortgage-rate beat me to it. Hey-ooh!!" Also, Conan shaved his Strike Beard, nothing really exciting unless you're like me and head The Official Conan O'Brien Fan Club.

I'll leave you with a link to the awesome and unique artwork and graffiti done by the one and only infamous Banksy.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Day 11

Piracy irony.

Line of the week: No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. -Joan Rivers on women's education.

Link heavy entry, so watch out for the blue stuff I normally try to avoid.

Dan and I saw Cloverfield Friday afternoon, and it was badass. The monster looked fucking awesome (Here's a drawing from DeviantArt for your desktop) and it not only wreaked some major havoc on the innocent little city of NYC, but also seemed to be invincible as it took every damn thing the army shot at it, which was almost every single thing in their arsenal short of destroying the island with a nuke, which would have been a stupid move.
** Watch out for spoilers ahead.**
The monster doesn't die at the end, as you can hear "It's still alive" at the end of the credits (Yeah, I waited until the end). Hud's lines were absolutely hilarious, from the flaming homeless people in the subway to asking Marlena how she knew who Superman was; the guy had the whole theater laughing with every line. I can also completely relate to his character, up until the being eaten part. Although I have to admit, it's definitely better than having your stomach area explode like Marlena, so props him for avoiding that. Abrams and Reeves set out to make a monster that will be America's "Godzilla", and they damn sure succeeded. My only problem with it, aside from like two parts where the camera has a seizure that's still not as bad as the fight sequence from The Bourne Ultimatum, is that it can only be adopted by America as "our monster" if you give the monster a fucking name!! <--Two = I mean business. If you've already seen the movie and want to relive the funny parts again, here's an abridged version of it I came across on DeviantArt. Click Here.

I watched the intro to CSI: Miami a couple times this weekend; terrible show, but I watch the beginning solely to hear David Caruso's seemingly robotic one liners just before The Who scream in.

I found this video, sometime last year, of Zach Galifanakis and Maria Bamford creating a parody of the infamous scene in When Harry met Sally where Meg Ryan's character fakes an orgasm, and every time I just think about it, I start laughing. I'll embed this one:

My diet on Monday, if you can call it that, consisted of Cookie Cake followed by Coke and then Cashews; I can feel my body performing a seppuku in the near future...

Shaggy was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Monday night and despite living in America for over ten years now, only 2% of the American population can actually decipher the words that come out of his mouth. The greatest part was that the captions didn't consist of complete words either; definitely not an Oxford graduate.

I'd like to take a moment (Just sit right there) to raise some awareness about Male Rape. If you've ever seen pictures of you with alcohol in one hand and an ugly tire-smuggling female on the other...you've been raped or taken advantage of in some way, I promise you. Obviously there's also the male-male rape scenario where a gay guy rapes a straight one, but the thought of a ridiculously aggressive queer with a bottle full of GhB is really unsettling. Male Rape Awareness +2.

I can't believe Carson Daly has a talk show, what I really want to know is who he had to beat that position for. i would honestly love to see the list of other repulsive rejects he beat out of the race for a talk show...that airs at 1am...has guests like the cast of The Hills...and was nominated, but didn't win, for the Teen Choice Award for "Choice TV Show - Late Night"...that's it. That's the whole joke, his failure as a person and dull mediocrity as a host is literally a punchline in itself. It just amazes me that shows like his, and networks like MTV continue to thrive on the idiocies of your society, when damn good networks are torn down.

Heath Ledger died yesterday, and as sucky as that is, as he's going to be the best fucking Joker ever, he overdosed on drugs, so I feel no pity or sorrow. Also, I hate and really getting annoyed with all the bulletins people have apparently been making on MySpace about him; or the groups on Facebook that are titled "R.I.P Heath Ledger". Statistics show that if you're in one of those communities, there's a 100% chance you're a hypocritical worthless excuse for a human being, or the equivalent, a kid with Downs Syndrome. No, really, you're all fucking hypocrites. Why you ask? I'll tell you why, person who asked the perfect question at the perfect time, because you only show support for him and say how great you think he was after he's fucking dead. Here's a couple other examples of the stupid shit you "people" do and love to gloat about:
  1. Award inspiring and revolutionary actors and comedians with some lifetime achievement award after they die (posthumously) like Lenny Bruce or Bill Hicks. Why don't you just dig up their corpses and skull fuck them? I'm pretty sure they'd appreciate it much more.
  2. Feel as if you've done good, like the pathetic celebrities that throw hundreds of thousands of dollars to research some illness, only after they've been diagnosed with it. Similar to those who fund Cancer research while they're in the doctor's room...yeah, I'm talking to you Lance Armstrong, you hypocritical prick.

On a happier note.

I got No More Heroes today!! Jesus Chry-st this game is bloody! Quick info about it, you're an assassin currently ranked #11 in the world's top assassins, and guess what? We want #1. You have a beam katana that's a LOT like a lightsaber, so you can slice shit up, like decapitating your foes and slicing them in half...vertically. Here's an awesome video of it.

This entry brought to you by: The Church of Former-Day Saints.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Not the kind associated with sleeping cows...

Look, I'm busy, I've got a lot of homework and whatnot to do, so instead of the regular update, I leave you with an article I wrote a few months ago.

Before I even officially begin, I want to let everyone that I have worked at a job where I received tips...and not only that, you would only get tips only if you earned them (Unlike everyone else). So don't give me this bullshit about me being insensitive to other's jobs, especially since most of these people are simply working for the money that they'll end up spending on necklaces, further fattening food (With a diet coke of course) and terrible terrible movies. Back to the topic at hand:
Tipping; talk about taking shit for granted. It's become so normal that waiters now expect a tip instead of putting in that extra effort to actually earn it like I did. Here's my rule on tipping:

I don't tip for anything I can't do myself; especially when it comes to transporting food over short distances (Unless I'm with friends and we leave a mess of food on the ceilings and spitballs on the walls...sigh...).

Granted, it's a little long, but whatever. The main thing I don't understand about tipping is why it goes by price. If I get a $20 steak, it's not like the freckled fuck, carrying it the thirteen feet from the kitchen (which is actually close enough that if I stood up, I could've seen exactly how it was cooked) to where I'm sitting, is actually doing anything more excruciatingly difficult than if I sat thirty feet away by chunky hostess. The only person I should really be tipping is the cook! Not only is he doing all the work, but he/she is the reason I came here in the first place! I can't cook myself a damn good steak like Luis in the kitchen can, so I decided to come to a place that can. So why don't all you waiters get me my drink and shut the fuck up (Unless you're mildly attractive or funny, in which case I might actually consider paying attention to you). It's absolutely fucking ridiculous and I'm not having any more of it.

All of these little pricks take tipping for granted, when I worked I made sure my work equaled my tip, not whatever the costumer bought. I mean, honestly, who doesn't tip? No one I know. Call me original, call me an asshole...all I know is I'm making sure everyone knows, again, that they they're dispensable. Although most of my logic is already penetrating those dense skulls of yours, let us analyze complaints by actual waiters that I'm friends with, shall we?
  • Customer has a bad attitude - Guess what? We're humans too, and maybe we're pissed because there's actually a Neopets movie coming out next year. When we're pissed we want to die...well...no...we want everyone else to die...or at least be mildly disgruntled. Not everyone is in a good mood and those who are not, don't give a shit if you're happy or not, so why don't you take your optimism and fake smile and get me the bucket of beers and Boneless Honey BBQ Wings I ordered.
  • Kids are annoying - Stop complaining about kids, being a child means it's the one time you can take a shit in a girl's purse without legal repercussions; if you don't think you can handle a few kids then get into another line of work...like somewhere that has nothing to do with your pathetic dim-witted social skills.
  • People stay "too long" - First of all, I don't care if you're losing money, since I have to pay eventually, so am I. Secondly, as long you are a paying customer, there's no such thing as "too long". If I want to order a Chocolate Cake and Coffee while I read my book, I'm going to do just that and stay until I see fit. I'm a customer, and while I'm sitting in your section, you're pretty much my bitch. Besides, you're not really doing anything that effects me-other than the fact that you brought me my delicious chocolate pastry about 23 minutes ago and you know what? I'm going to keep on doing what I very well please.
  • Receiving religious pamphlets instead of cash - Unless you've already had enough education to stop believing and/or outgrown religion, then you shouldn't be complaining. Hell, those people probably left that for you since you seemed like such a fucked-up excuse for a person. You should be grateful people care about you enough to allow you enter their religion as well. Should you actually not believe in god (or gods for all you dark brown people out there) however, you should take that as a direct insult and make sure they don't leave the premises unscathed, either mentally or physically...to each his own.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should stop tipping. I'm just presenting the reasons of why I don't tip. Besides, if everyone stops tipping, we might have less waiters and then have even shittier service than we do already (I know, it was hard for me to imagine that as well). However, my lack of tipping will do very little, if no impact on the Food Industry if people keep on throwing their money to the people who perform every little mundane service they can think of. In reality, people like those who are reading this and thinking "Whatever broham, I'm tippin'", are the same people that allow me to not top. In that sense, I thank you.

Oh, and I'll update this again maybe on Thursday...if I feel like it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Day 10

See? All I wanted was proof, and none of my friends could ever explain it like this...

Tuesday I went to my third class of this semester, and Wednesday I went to my fourth. Although I still have yet to go to Macro-Economics until the 28th, here's a quick synopsis of those two:

American Government
It was surprisingly alright. The teacher is a really sarcastic fella who looks like the best Mark Addy impersonator to date, which should make any following Still Standing episodes make me laugh from time-to-time. Aside from having a guy I mildly knew during high school sitting behind me, there's no one really interesting or worth mentioning in that class; making it one of my most boring classes as far as students go, only second to history. Then again, people taking history during a Spring semester are people who either failed, dropped or didn't take it the previous semester, so it's not exactly filled with future salary recipients.

Intro to Philosophy
WOW, this class was bad-fucking-ass. I'm exceedingly content that I changed it to the 'ol Moulenbelt. I mean, I knew he was smart, but I was completely blown away by the genius arguments he presented upon exposing only the most basic philosophical and scientific conundrums. Honestly, there wasn't much that we talked about that I haven't thought about in the past few months, but to hear it from someone else, and have them show me that these questions have yet to be answered, was really a mind opening experience. There's only two minor problems with this class however, in that these things that I have already thought deeply about have made me into the comedic, racism-fascinated, Darwinist misanthrope you see (or read) today. This class, I feel, will only enforce my misanthropic beliefs and continue to expose the world's, and America's, ongoing list of fallacies. Oh well, at least it's closer to the truth than everything else we've been forced to learn since birth.

The other problem is actually mildly funny, as Philosophy will be the class I take an hour after Macro-economics, which is the science of how, now obviously flawed, capitalist economies work. It also precedes my Government class, which attempts to return me to the typical conformist American way of thinking...ugh...I need to pick my classes better next time.

Lone Star - Cy-Fair's new logo was unveiled yesterday at some big event I didn't go to.
Here's what it used to look like:

Here is the new one:

As you can see, it went from something a kid with a star-shaped stencil did and said "Hey look mommy, I'm mediocre!", to something a Graphic Design student did in Shiny Abstract Objects are Awesome 1301.

In government today, we briefly talked about the Oligarchy Authoritarian system; country ruled by a small group of elites, and I couldn't help but compare it to the US. I mean, we all know about the Jews that run the country, we just need to acknowledge it and admit that we are, in fact, an Oligarchy run by a few greedy Jews. Then, and only then, can the healing begin...

See this line of text? This is The-No-Segue-Line-of-Text. So get throw your transition words and ambition to the wind and get ready for No Mo' Transitions!!

Cloverfield comes out tomorrow, or tonight for you optimists, so I'll have to check it out. The problem is, I haven't been hearing anything extremely good or bad about the movie, but I still wanna go check it out. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up being disappointed, since it is being produced by JJ Abrams, and we all saw how fast Alias and Lost went downhill after the initial surge. The guy has the worst inability to follow through or successfully close any of his projects in a decent matter. Oh well, I'll include a full review of the movie, with spoilers and whatnot, on Monday; watch it before then or prepare to have your theatrical future ruined.

I recently downloaded Above and Beyond's Trance Around the World 197 mix and I fucking love it! Definitely one of the greatest mixes I've heard since Paul Van Dyk's Live at Trance Energy 2003. You can download it from MixMaster, here. He even went so far as to include the tracklist on the page. I recommend anyone with a decent love for electronic music get this mix.

On the pathetic present-day plague named Facebook, I was invited by this chick from Katy (A general invite) to go to this Comedy Sportz thing tonight at 7pm. Obviously, I'm not going. If not due to the thirty-minute drive to see people attempt to be funny, but because of the description of the event, that reads as follows:

If you do not know what Comedy Sportz is, it is a competition between 2 teams where they play all types of improv games. It is like a clean version of Whose Line is It Anyway? It's really funny, and you are sure to enjoy it!!

Ok, let's break it down shall we? By "we", I mean me; you selfish bastards.
  1. Obviously it's a competition between two teams; ever try to have a competition with only one team? Not as successful as you'd think.
  2. A clean version of Whose Line is It Anyway? Have you ever even seen that show? It's on TB-fucking-S. That network says "ass" maybe once a day, if that. It's no Saturday television religious blabbering, but it is definitely one of the cleanest comedies you'll ever see on TV, and a damn good one at that.
  3. Frankly, you just compared yourself to one of the greatest improv shows of all time with professional award winning and extremely experienced and cultured actors...and you expect for high school teenagers who quote Dane Cook like he's funny, to reel someone in to watch and "enjoy"? Thanks but I try to keep my dosage of mediocrity to a minimum.
I might go to Mexico this weekend, but nothing is for sure yet. If I do go, I'll probably just lounge around with some friends and maybe binge drink some really dark beer with Frenchies. If I don't, then I'll probably see how many times I can open and close my cell phone in one minute, chug a couple liters of various colas and try it again until I beat my time...and play a bit of the 'ol paintball on Sunday with TF and Jason.

The Super Smash Bros. Brawl release date was pushed back...again...from February 25th to March 5th. I'm not really one to freak out over the release of a video game, but they've pushed it back at least three times; that's just plain irresponsible.

I leave you with my favorite sayings from one of my favorite dead guys:
If you can't dance, you fuck a lot of waitresses. -Voltaire

Monday, January 14, 2008

Day 9

This is my idea to solve the obesity problem everyone won't stop bitching about.

Big post today. First off: CLOVERFIELD IN FOUR DAYS!! Secondly...well, there is no second, I just wanted to type "first off".

Last Thank-Darwin-It's-Friday, I went to Cy-Fair Community College to change my Intro to Philosophy teacher from some Shaw character, to the Houston's very own paintball superstar: TF (Legal name, comes with Alcohol Fetal Syndrome and everything). I mention this only because as I was waiting in line, I noticed that the guy three people in front of me, was wearing an eye patch, and to top it all off; he was black! Not even Pirates of the Caribbean had that kind of diversity, I mean, a black pirate? Even if his leg was fine, he'd probably still walk like he had a peg-leg, as many black folk do these days.

Imagine what Shaft would be like if he were a pirate; he would be all "Arrg, I be Shaft, the bad mutha yous all talking aboot!"

In the evening, I went to Chili's with my family since my parents were leaving for Monterrey early next morning, and about halfway through the meal, while I was talking mind you, this table full of young black people started laughing exceedingly loud and practically yelling for a good six minutes non-stop. I'll tell you one thing (And probably a lot more later), stereotypes are stereotypes because someone saw a group of people, usually a race, doing something that only they did, and rightly assumed that almost all of "them" do it. Being loud and obnoxious may be exclusive to teenage girls, but I move that we add that to the young black people as well. As I sat there making my parents laugh with my rage-induced comments, all I could think about is how great it would be if we could just move them to the back of the restaurant; they could be as loud as they want! Hell, maybe we can have them have separate restaurants and since they're students, also have them sit in the back of school buses...this is the world I dream of.

The actual weekend consisted of me lounging around, playing with my little cousins, beating them at Wii bowling and teaching them it's OK to eat food that's fallen on the floor as per the Ten-Second Rule. Except for Sunday, when I woke up to cops ringing the doorbell. Apparently my uncle went to retrieve the newspaper in the morning and forgot the alarm was on, so I had to go downstairs and attempt to communicate with someone despite only being awake for 15 seconds; resulting in me saying the following statements:
  • "My name is Homero Arellano, the son of ::slight pause:: my dad."
  • "My dad is the owner of this house, which is why I'm here."
  • "OK, thanks, sorry."
Definitely NOT one of my most intelligent moments.

Note to self (Also to my blog): Do NOT open mouth if you have been awake for less than 2 minutes. Also, talk in an English accent to cops next time to make their lives a little more surreal.

So there is a new vase of potpourri in the downstairs bathroom; it smells so good, that even if an old Indian guy were to have been recently slaughtered and had his remains thrown all over the walls, the first thing you'd say when entering the room is:


Or something along those lines.

Today, however, was a new day. The kind you'd see in a horror movie; the morning after the soon-to-be-dead family moves into the house where the murders of '76 took place. This is because today was my first day of classes over at The-college-formerly-known-as-Cy-Fair-Community-College, as they changed the name to Lone Star College - Cy-Fair. Here's a rundown of my two classes for today, and I'm not going to rate the girls in my classes until I get to know them a little better as I rarely give a number solely on looks...and because they will probably eventually read this:

English 1302
My first class is in the first of the Modular Buildings, which is a fancy name for Styrofoam floors and walls on cinder blocks. The class was actually really diverse and it seemed like I'll probably enjoy it. I also got that Dan character in this class so that was a cool surprise. The professor was pretty funny, seemed laid-back and pretty intelligent, ya'no, for a college professor. Towards the end of class, the Columbian girl in front of me misheard him say something about presidential candidates using fear in their campaigning, and thought he said beer instead. When she approved of using beer since "a lot of people like it"; it made for a good harmless laugh, to end the class. One thing I noticed, although it might have been just me, is that almost the whole time the professor was talking, he was looking straight at her. Since I was behind her, I couldn't tell if she was wearing a low-cut top (Although I doubt it since it was about 50 degrees outside), or if he was looking at her face to make eye-contact; either way, it was odd.

Also, when everyone was introducing themselves, one of the people before me was this Hispanic chick, and when she said "I want to major in", I immediately said "Nurse", to which I heard "Medicine"...too bad no one heard me. I think almost all Hispanic women become nurses because, since they know they're going to be having a shitload of kids, they might as well try to get an employee discount at the hospital.

During the one hour break I had before my next class, I went to Dan's house and we played Rock Band, which is much more difficult than I thought. I was pretty bad on the drums and substantially worse on the guitar, which I knew would happen since I can barely finish a song on Guitar Hero III, so I think I'm going to give the vocals a try next time.

History 1301
This class should be intense but fun, the professor is this older black gentleman who's actually retired, and doesn't look a day over 33, if that. Black people age almost too well, I think all those suburban housewives that want to look younger need to start rubbing black people's skin cells on their faces (Patent pending on that idea). Also, he was funny, not unusual for a black person of course, but he seemed really passionate about history, and passionate teachers always beat the extremely knowledgeable ones (In this case, he was both). There was a Hispanic girl in the back who was the typically preppy chick, smiles a lot and asks a lot of questions, etc. and I noticed her the millisecond (Yeah, I'm that fast) she walked in the room because she looks like a shorter and cheekier version of Ryan's girlfriend, Lindsey. At that moment, all I could think about is how awkward a double date would be if her and I went out... This will never happen, of course, as I am way too picky for my own good and would find something wrong with her before she even finishes telling me her name.

Macro-Economics is my other class for Mondays and Wednesdays, but it's a late start class, meaning it doesn't start until late.

I know this entry has a lot of comments about black people, so if you're in the KKK or just hate black people, and I've made you feel angry or uncomfortable, I apologize ahead of time. Alright, I reckon it's time for me to get started on that there homework that's due Wednesday; or install Age of Empires II again and totally nerd out for the night. Like Enya so eloquently put it: Only time will tell...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Day 8

Another version of "Survival of the Fittest"...

First order of business (If updating this blog made me money), on Conan O'Brien this week, I saw and heard Nicole Atkins perform. She was nothing short of amazing. When she opened her mouth and let her spectacular voice fly, I had to stop typing, close my laptop and really make sure I was hearing her right. Her voice and style of music is so refreshing, very 40s without the big band. Her voice is something between Nancy Sinatra and Grace Slick, I love it. Here's her Myspace, and here are my favorite songs of her in order from Bestest to Best.
  1. Maybe Tonight
  2. Brooklyn's On Fire
  3. Neptune City
  4. Skywriter

I don't even remember what all has happened since my last update, I just know I've been watching a lot of TV, written a lot of jokes and offended some people; essentially I haven't done much out of the ordinary.

Here's a quick tidbit about me:
Sometimes I like to hop on my bed, move the linens 'n things over and lay down on my stomach while I close my eyes to listen to my heart beat. The most amazing part is when I hold my breath, I can feel and hear my heart beat progressively slower and weaker. It really reminds me that I am very alive and mortal; so I try not to do it too often.

Now back to your regularly scheduled comedy. Like I said, I've been watching a good amount of TV and a couple days ago, I watched the series premier of Cashmere Mafia; a new series that's basically a mix between Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives except these are powerful women, not struggling writers or lazy homemakers.. Now I know that these are fairly feminine shows, but this one stars Lucy Liu, which, as many of you know, is the most beautiful woman in the world. It could be my thing for Asian women, or maybe my thing for powerful women who make more money than me, but I like this show.

The pilot, obviously this will always be one of the best episodes of a series as it is the one pitched to the networks, was really well written. Lucy Liu is delicious, and surprisingly enough, so are the other 3 actresses (Unlike Sex & the City, where you get a crack-addicted-look-alike writer, a cancer-filled red head, a stereotypical nymph-temptress and an Anal Retentive manager). Like I said before, these women have jobs that pay damn good salaries and are pretty clever, you can watch the full episode at ABC's website. At the end of the episode, Lucy Liu's fiancé breaks up with her character because she beats him in a competition for a promotion...yeah, I could definitely NEVER fucking do that. Even if the script said I had to do it; not happening. I'm positive I would get into an argument with the director:

Lucy Liu: Babe, I got the promotion...which means you're going to be fired.
Me: That's fine that you got the promotion babe, as long as I get to have sex every time I cook dinner.
LL: Wel-wait! What?!
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!!
Me: What?!
D: That's not in the script, try it again.
Me: Alright, fine...dick.
D: What?
Me: Huh? Oh, nothing, I had to clear my throat, lemme get some water real quick.
D: Yeah...action!
Me: Babe, I'm fine with you getting the job over me, just give me an expense account so I can buy you sexy lingerie and fuck you on the kitchen counter when you get home...you likey?
D: Wha-cut! Cut!! Cut!!
Me: What the fuck man, I'm literally right here, not four feet away from you; you don't need to say it three times. Jesus Christ.
D: Then STOP MAKING UP YOUR LINES and break up with her like it's says in the script.
Me: I can't do it, it's fucking Lucy Liu, the hottest babe on the planet...and stop talking in all caps!
D: Whatever kid, it doesn't matter, and you don't matter. You're just some actor, so read the script like you're supposed to.

here's the part where i get pissed

Me: IT DOESN'T MATTER?! Who the fuck are you? You couldn't break up with Lucy Liu!
D: YEAH IT D-...well, not in real life, but I could do it for TV
Me: OK, fine, look at her soft sad eyes and do it!
D: ...I...look, I can't...damn it.
Me: That's right bitch! Now where's my sex scene?

That seems about right...

It doesn't matter what fucking channel I turn the TV to, they've all been plagued with the trailer for that herpes of a movie: Meet the Spartans. As if Date Movie and Epic Movie weren't bad enough, they're making parodies of movies that weren't that good to begin with, terrible and way overdone pop culture references, and even making fun of movies that won't be released for months. Here are a few reasons not to watch this movie:
  • Brittney Spears parody
  • Oswald from The Drew Carey Show doing a terrible English accent...the line he says would actually be funny if he said it in a practical manner without the accent.
  • Donald Trump parody of "You're Fired"; Oh how FUCKING ORIGINAL!
  • Happy Feet...sigh...
  • Constantly kicking people into the Pit of Death...you can find over 50 different versions of that on YouTube.
  • Actually, you can find almost every single gag/joke that will be in this movie, somewhere on YouTube, for free.
If I know who you are, you watch it, and I find out, I will hit you. Yes, even if you're a girl. Women are only allowed so much stupidity before you gotta hit 'em to make sure they stay in line...or if their name is Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry, in which case, they need to be smacked around daily.

The day before today I saw Charlie Wilson's War. It's a good movie for people who have graduated high school. The scenes where Tom Hanks and Philip Seymour Hoffman are together, are absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, it won't change your life, but it will make you feel mildly well inside. Although, towards the end, I couldn't help but realize that we were going to fight these same guys, which we armed, not 15 years later. 8/10

Afterwards, Camo called me since he had just arrived from China, so we went to Husky's (The most delicious burgers ever) and talked for a bit. Then we picked up my sister from Driver's Ed and took her home. Still bored, we went to Barnes & Nobles, where I decided to buy yet another stand up DVD; this one being Zach Galifanakis Live at the Purple Onion. I think that's the 12th comedy DVD I've bought this year alone...

I want to record a series of audio tapes that explains to people how to overcome being deaf.

If you ever want to make some ecstatic and high-quality friends, go to a New Student Orientation at a community college. I met some of the peppiest and most prominent drug addicts, future cholo wives and illegitimate mothers in all of Houston. I say this because I start school next week, and my mood is, well, hopeful. As in, I hope I don't get a class full of Cy-Falls people I know, people who still wear their high school letter jackets, or single mothers who talk about their kids.

If you want to see some really uneducated and ignorant people post ridiculous idiocies about politics they know nothing about, click here (My posts are the ones in blue).

I leave you with the thought I was, well, thinking, before I began writing this entry tonight:
How many human bodies stacked on top of each other, could I run over, in a Hummer, before they would stop acting like a speed bump and I'd really have to gun it to knock them over?

Any physics savvy people, or people with Hummers and a lot of money; feel free to find the answer and get back to me with diagrams and pictures...and a bar graph.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Day 7

It's true, Hitler was a fan of MC Hammer...look it up on Wikipedia if you have to.

I haven't really done anything productive since my last entry, and it feels great; a similar feeling to when you grope a drunken college girl...there's no way to explain it, it just feels right. You know? Of course you do.

Anyways, as of today, I'm pretty sure everyone has left for their respective colleges...this means I have to be optimistic next week and hope the people in my classes aren't the failures I've seen around campus (I was lucky during summer school...very lucky).

Friday I did some errands and drove to the bank for my dad, the weather was typical Houston weather; it was too hot to put the windows down, and too cold to turn the a/c on. I can't wait until my ticket gets here and I hit the road outta this joint; just me and my moll on a one-way trip to New York City, where black people are funnier than they are violent (Unlike Houston). Until then, I'll have to settle for the best state in the world: Texas.

I also saw Jenna Bush on The Ellen Degeneres Show, she was promoting her book related to some little girl she met during her work at UNICEF. If you're like me, you've never seen her or her sister on TV before, so you don't know what she looks like, and if you're even more like me, you're not going to go through the trouble of goolging her; so I'll just tell you what she looks like. Imagine George Bush and Laura Bush having a baby; that's what she looks like. Throw in a typical East Coast Business Major fiancé and a smile that is practically identical to Rachael Ray, and you have Jenna Bush. Nothing special, but I'd stick it in her butt.

Later that night I finally saw Shoot 'Em Up on DVD. I must say, that movie was everything I expected and more. Easily one of the best action flicks of 2007. The whole movie is essentially a really long gunfight between Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti with only a few minutes of dialogue thrown in between so people can't say there wasn't a plot (Even though it's only there to create more shootouts). The action sequences are ridiculously creative and are so absurdly hilarious, at many times you'll actually do a double-take of the DVD cover and see if this movie wasn't directed by Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez; it's just that awesome. 8.5/10

The next day I got out of bed and began taking down the Christmas tree until I left for Sean's house to go watch the Rockets' game with him and a couple of his friends. After taking doing a circle around the parking structure and Sean proving to us that a pickup is too much for him to handle by scraping the side of it into a concrete barrier, we walked what seemed like half-a-mile to our seats which were in a DAMN good spot. However, these seats were still not up to our standards, so we went down like 10 rows until about half-time when the seats' rightful owners arrived; which is where we went down another row. Then, about ten minutes later, the owner of those seats came and kicked us out...with only twenty minutes left in the game...fucking idiots. By the time we were done moving seats, we were practically on the floor level; and upon noticing that the Rockets were up twenty points at the end of the third quarter, we bounced back to Sean's house. Not after making a few wrong turns along the way, of course.

One thing I noticed while walking to our seats was the amount of women who deem it necessary to wear a dress to a basketball game. They all looked like they were going to a nightclub or something. I found it kind of weird, I mean; I'm here not wearing any underwear and they look like they're ready for their post-homecoming-dance fingering.

I was surfing this really cool website the next morning, Phonezoo, where they have a bunch of different phone wallpapers, ringtones, and whatnot; and I saw that they also had jokes. One particular joke I found is actually a variation of a racist joke I made up during my freshman year of high school. In my version, there's only a black and a mexican, however, in this version, the guy who uploaded it start it off like this: "A spic, a chink and a black person...etc." and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. You see, this guy apparently doesn't mind calling the largest race in the world, chinks, or the fastest growing, spics...but his ever-so-solid morals had to draw the line at saying nigger...hahaha.

After hearing the joke, annoyed by his hypocrisy and epic disappointment in the delivery of the punchline, I reported him two times:
  1. For uploading offensive material on Phonezoo, haha.
  2. Failure to deliver punchline in the correct manner, thus ruining the joke for all Phonezoo users.

After serving my plate of justice, I went to my cousin's house to teach him how to install iTunes and put music on his brand new iPod Nano. While iTunes installed, we all sat down and watched We Are Marshall. I'm normally bored by most football movies, save Remember the Titans as it is a requirement to graduate from any high school in Texas, but this one really got to me. Great movie overall, and what I liked about it, is that instead of focusing on the individual players and some dull storyline like Invincible, it focuses on the team as a whole and shows some awesome game play. 8/10

On my way home, I had to do a U-turn under I-10 at Park Ten and all I can say is "wow". It is the nicest bridge I have ever seen. The bottom is so clean and spacious, if I were houseless, I would totally live under that bridge and brag about it to everyone a Leftover Parties and other Hobo Social Events.

I must now depart to watch some Conan O'Brien, I leave you with wisdom to amaze your friends and teachers, and one of the most amazing videos I have ever seen:
How come, if there are rhetorical questions, there aren't any rhetorical answers?

Un-fucking-believable. Via Core77.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Day 6

Cyanide and Happiness is always good for a dark/surreal laugh

First of all, I hope everyone had a decent New Years and is alright, I wouldn't want to lose any readers over anything as silly as a car crash or an OD. Now that that's out of the way, I've gotta say that since the last update before New Years, my mind has been racing.

New Years Eve had me just chillin' like a villain(Nervous, freaking out every time I hear sirens and with blood on my hands) at my house with my family and Nicole, Kerby and Katie. We basically just drank while I had had them laughing their asses off between Guitar Hero III and Foosball.

On New Years, I woke up with what I thought was enough urine in my system to flood the bathtub. Upon attempting this challenge while I took a shower, however, I failed to meet those expectations as I couldn't even produce enough to make it smell weird. Oh well, maybe next time. Later I saw The Kingdom, and all I can say about that movie is WOW. One of the best movies I have ever seen in my life. This film will almost change your life; it's very well written, pays great attention to detail and the realism is beyond amazing.

Oh shit, quick, make a list!!
Here are five awesome unique songs from the past, which styles' you won't hear today (Click on the name to see the music video):
1) Dead Prez - Hip Hop
2) M - Pop Musik
3) Devo - Whip It
4) Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang
5) Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

Coincidentally, I live my life by the words of Devo "If a problem comes along, you must whip it."...sigh...not even the Beatles can beat those words of wisdom.

I saw Jessica Sajche Wednesday night when I went to go get my hurr cut; I haven't seen her since we graduated almost two years ago. She's still like three feet tall, but just as adorable. I got her digits so hopefully I'll get to see her a little more often now. She's working at the salon where I get my hair cut, so I let her have the honor of touching and cutting my hair. Apparently she's studying to be a nurse; sometimes I kinda wish I wanted to help people, but that quickly passes.

I also kept on wondering how she would look in scrubs; I've never seen anyone I knew in scrubs so this interests me.
New item on my to-do list: Befriend a nurse

My entire food consumption for Wednesday consisted of these healthy items:
Breakfast: Apple Jacks (But they don't taste like apples...how do they get away with this?!!)
Lunch: Jack-In-The-Box - Medium Ultimate Cheeseburger (Only Ketchup) with Curly Fries and Dr. Pepper.
Dinner: 6 Chips Ahoy cookies with a glass of milk, followed by a bowl of Tostitos tortilla chips with a liter of cola.
Take THAT Diabetes!!

Last night was the best way to kickoff the 2008 year; Conan O'Brien CAME BACK!! He's so fucking hilarious with or without the writers. Late Night without the writers though, is pretty cool (for now) since we get more Conan. This is a traded for less skits and gags, however, and I can't wait until the writers come back so I can get my fix of The Interrupter and In The Year 2000.

Every time I see a Cloverfield trailer I get a fucking erection...I'm going to see that fucking movie opening day at midnight goddamnit! This JJ Abrams director guy is doing a DAMN good job at not letting ANYTHING about the movie leak out. The premise of the movie is that something massive kicks the shit out of NYC. JJ Abrams stated that when he was in Asia, he noticed that they had Godzilla, and that the US has nothing but the pansy King Kong, so he wanted to make a monster specifically for America that's more "Insane and intense", so it should be awesome. Check out the badass trailer here.

Now I'm updating my blog while another Jennifer Lopez movie continues to destroy society with her terrible acting and aggravating accent. The movie is Enough, where her husband is cheating on her and he punches her a couple times, so she decides to kill him and then litter in a nearby lake before she lies to the authorities. This is the kind of movie that is rotting people's minds. If you ever voluntarily watch that movie, there's no doubt about it, you're what's wrong with this world.

Alright, I gotta kill some time before Conan comes on, so I guess I should start studying for my final tomorrow. Also, Nate's back from the Land of the Thai peoples, so I gotta head on over to his house and check his clothes for SARS and whatnot before I hang out with him sometime this week.

Imagine how weird it would've been if I stopped typing after "kill"...