Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 48


Yet another way to solve Childhood Obesity...


Line of the Week: ...back like a night after a bad taco -Sylar on the Heroes season premier. Worst. Line. Ever.

LoTW Runner-Up: Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten - Charlize Theron on Jay Leno


Damn it's been a hell of a busy week and boy are my arms tired...

...wait, I fucked that up. I've been doing so much out of the ordinary activities that my mind is all out of whack and my horrible puns have been ample proof of that. Hell, I laughed at a pun my History professor made today. He was talking about the 24 hour coverage of hurricane Ike for almost six days straight, which you'll remember I talked about last week, and he said that he tried to watch whatever news he could that wasn't "drowned out by Ike"....worst pun ever? Maybe. Most unexpected pun at 9:25am? Definitely.

Because I'm unorganized, this entry is going to be told all Pulp Fiction-like, but don't worry, I'm not gonna go completely Tarantino on you...well, at least until Inglorious Bastards comes out. Saturday consisted of fucking insanity...seriously...fucking, insanity.

On Saturday, I woke up at 6am, got ready and waited for Timmy and Allen and his friends to show up before we went to work for my dad, ripping out wallpaper, insulation and ceiling tiles from an office building. We did this from 8am, to 8pm...literally sunrise to sunset, black to black and so on. Each time I climbed the stairs all the way to the fourth floor it felt like a million knives gre penises and were raping my calves from the inside out and didn't even have the common courtesy to use lube like a professional. My car smelled like ass after being in it for five seconds, and what seemed like a good idea at the time, I rolled down my windows, which only resulted in me smelling the B.O. and dried sweat that was coming off of my own body...

At this point, you'd think that I'd be completely exhausted and ready to call it a weekend...but you'd be half-wrong. After I took a long shower,complete with singing and flexing in the mirror while saying "Are you talking to me?", I went online and starting looking for details on some parties I'd heard of. I landed two options, one party was supposedly expecting 50 people, a small amount of liquor but I knew it was going to be nothing but minorities and ghetto, ghetto, ghetto. The other party had a shitload of alcohol, a bit smaller group probably consisting of hipsters, indie "rockers" and probably some fatties and in College Station, although I would be able to spend the night there. I ended up selecting the latter and went with Aaron, him driving, while I closed my eyes and spewed out random, absurd comments as entertainment.

One thing I forgot to do, however, was print out the Google Maps directions, and for some reason I thought if I committed the satellite picture to memory I could find it...except I forgot the street name, apartment name and number and while the satellite photo was taken during the daytime, it was blacker than Akon and the girl who's party it was, had HER FUCKING PHONE OFF. So now I'm lost in College Station with Aaron...two skinny Mexican kids lost in a town that would give Bush a sloppy deepthroating blowjob with a smile on their face if they had the chance. We pull over at a gas station and since I'm furious, I begin to spew out rage-filled comments, one of our favorite was "Ugh, goddamn it, if only I could ask Information where all the fat, ugly chicks went..." I think I was laughing for a good two minutes after that one.

One phone call to Nicole and her Blackberry internet-filled phone later, we arrive at the party that was filled with the exact people I thought it would have. Luckily, it was a really chill atmosphere and there was plentiful amounts of beer. There were hipsters with fedoras, a loud, fat guy who had his shirt off more often than not and a guy who looked JUST like Cricket from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...but alas, he was involved with the only cute girl at the party, who was also celebrating her birthday, so I couldn't push him down the stairs as a reason to get him on crutches. After "losing" a game of beer pong (You can never lose if your "punishment" is to drink more beer), some guy threw up on me, however I was pretty drunk at this time and it took me at least thirty seconds to acknowledge, which resulted in my freaking out, wiping it off with a napkin and telling the guy who did it to calm down and that I really didn't give a shit.

At around 3am, a lot of people left and we were left with my friend Leah, Aaron, a couple guys, Hannah the cute chick, Veronica and her BF and Leah's roommates. Shortly thereafter, Leah began to blow chunks all over the floor, herself and a trashcan. This by itself is not that funny, but the best part were the two things that I was involved with. The first was that I mentioned It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Leah, Veronica and I ended up singing Day Man...twice. The second happened between Leah's vomiting spurts, where she would cry out apologies to her roommates, which caused me to laugh uncontrolably...well, it was actually giggling but you get the point. I was then very tired and went to sleep on the couch chair. That's right, the 6ft. tall asshole had to sleep on a fucking chair, luckily Leah woke up early and let me sleep on the sofa, but not before I accidently stepped in the wet stains of the carpet where she had vomited on.

The next day I woke up, still tired and now sore so I let Aaron drive again, and after hitting up McDonalds we saw the weirdest fucking thing. We were just leaving College Station and were stuck in a bit of traffic when all of a sudden we see an Indian lady running across the road construction site to the left and is tackled by an Indian guy, which he did by sweeping the legs. Her crying, he sits next to her, breathing heavily with his arm on her and while 4-9 "concerned" citizens approach, puts his other hand up and points to his car that's about a hundred feet the other way. I was only bothered by all the people going towards them, so what if it was probably Domestic Violence? It's College fucking Station, I'm pretty sure beating women is a requirement for all Right Wing males.

This is a bit random, but one thing that caught my attention Fridat night was a radio commercial. I had forgotten to charge my iPod, so on my way home it died and I had to listen to the radio. I was switching stations every song or so and at one point I went to a pure rock & roll station, 94.5 The Buzz. This radio commercial however, really threw me the fuck off. I was listening to it and after a song it advertised their radio station (As if no one knows what station they're listening to), with the advertisement ending using this line: "Ninety-Fo' Five: The Buzz." What the fuck? Having a rock station use ghetto slang is like someone actually wanting to hear Megan Fox's opinion on...well...anything. It's a cute idea but only retarded people who have never had human contact need apply.

I just saw the season premier of Heroes and I damn was it fucking absurd. It like if the writers got together and said "Fuck continuity, EVERY character is back with their powers, or someone else's...but they'll also die...twice. Oh, and Peter, Clair and Sylar will be over-acting in almost every scene..." I'll still watch the show, but if it doesn't pick up and get to the quality of the first season I'm gonna be pissed. Right now channel 2 local news is on and I have one thing to say: I want to make the most intensly passionate love to Domonique Sachse...she is the most delicious news anchor ever, even hotter than those European ones that strip while they do the news.

Because you've all been so good lately, I'm going to give you the best video clip I've seen the month of September, from the season premier of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:




Until next week, may the Lord bless you and keep you...



..haha, just kidding.

2 comments:

Leah said...

yeah i'm never touching alcohol again.

one good side to blowing chunks for an hour: bulimia works. eating disorder, here i come!

Anonymous said...

Did you at least get paid for the wallpaper what-sit?