Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Day 66

Posting this picture wasn't a random decision...and those kids deserve it for being shitty children.

Line of the Week: We should kill each other sometime next week...you have to go first though. -Me to a girl I'm dating

Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit

Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content none of you want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.

Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.

I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.

I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.

Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.

I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:
  • You're under 18
  • You're pregnant
  • You're less than a 5
  • You're blind
  • You have children with you
  • You have cancer
  • You have any kind of STD
  • You small bad
  • You drive a Hummer
  • You have "bling"
  • You have more than 1 visible tattoo
  • You don't have 2 working legs
Ok, the last one may be a little out of line but I've actually thought of yet another great idea just for cripples! A handicap-only movie theater. I'll put it near a hospital and aside from providing an even more selective theater, it's a great way to get money from the cripples we all hate so much. This theater will be smaller and cheaper because we'll have saved the money we would've spent on seats! That's right, you bring your own (wheel)chair and you can park that mofo anywhere you like! That's the kind of theater I hope to one day run.

Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they never forget.

I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).

I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.

Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.

As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.

Bucket List as of 6/17/09
  1. Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
  2. Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
  3. Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
  4. Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
  5. Lightly hit a girl on her nose with my penis...and then have her sneeze, followed by laughter on both sides.
  6. Wear a condom for an entire day and then use it later that night and surprise the girl with my amazing level of preparation.
My teacher was talking about how Sea Sponges were all hermaphrodites and asked us what ability they have. I replied that they have "the ability to make us all extremely uncomfortable", a joke only this high kid laughed at and understood...fucking assholes. Even strangers laugh when I tell them that story, but that class gave me nothing.

That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love: