Friday, February 1, 2008

So you want to be a rapist, now what?

I've been watching the news a bit more than usual lately, and I've noticed an increasing amount of rape cases. The problem I've been seeing lately is that almost all of them are just terribly messy and lack the professionalism we've all grown accustomed to. I'm not saying I condone rape, unless the other person was dressed provocatively, but if you're going to do it, at least do it right. For the sake of personal preference, I'll be doing the standard Man > Woman scenario, however, feel free to replace penis with vagina and vice-versa for your personal raping needs.

Before we start off, here's a rape statistic that most people actually don't know about:
Perpetrator Frequency
Steady dating partner 21.6%
Casual friend 16.5%
Ex-boyfriend 12.2%
Acquaintance 10.8%
Close friend 10.1%
Casual date 10.1%
Husband 7.2%
Stranger 2%

Keeping this in mind, try to not choose someone you already know, they get these statistics because the closer you are to your "date" the more likely you are to get caught. Who has time for that?

So you want to rape someone, now what? Now that you've finally got the courage to do it, pay attention and everything will go through better than an Enron transaction.

1) Strategy
One thing I can't stress enough; strategy, strategy, strategy!
It doesn't matter how experienced you are or how strong you are, if you don't plan out your method of seduction and location, a potentially fantastic experience will turn into a big disgusting mess.

Choose the right drug for the right mood (DO NOT use pure force, this is supposed to be a night of passion and confusion, not violence and pleas of pain).
GhB - Perfect for those club-nights and large social events as it takes about 30-40min. to take full effect.
Roofies - Fit well into smaller gatherings, maybe a small bar, an Applebees or Hooters kind of restaurants and takes effect in about 15-20min.
Chloroform - This is for a quick job (For the rapist on the go!) and should only be used at night, during a date, roommate or your neighbor since it takes effect almost immediately and honestly, who has the time and energy to drag an unconscious body all the way home while still maintaining an erection?

If you're confused or having trouble up to this point, don't worry about it, there are a few celebrities you can learn from about the details. Here are the top three names that popped up when I checked to see from where people go to the rape article on Wikipedia (I am not making this up).
  1. Snoop Dogg
  2. Mickey Finn
  3. 50 Cent

2) Penetration Preparation
Alright, you've got an unconscious woman/man/undecided/both/animal laying on your floor, futon, bathtub or kitchen counter. The obvious first step is to get her naked right? Right, but how to do it correctly is the important part. Always remember to take off the clothes slowly and carefully while attempting to minimize the sniffing of the undergarments. Always remember to keep them laid out so you can dress her back up when you're done (More on that later).

Next, here is a checklist of a few things you should have, feel free to print it out and take it out with you until you get the hang of it.
  • Lube - Look, I don't care how "hott" you are, the chick is not going to be wet unless you somehow got her aroused before-hand, which means you were going to get some regardless and you just wasted money on the Roofies. Chances are she'll be like really fine sandpaper, so make sure you get the good stuff; i.e. Astroglide.
  • Condom - If you picked her up at a bar, Los Angeles, or she's blond, she definitely has some sort of Venereal Disease that will make you pee blood out of the purple sores that will pop-up later that week. If you can't find this, a little bit of Saran Wrap will do fine.
  • Spermicidal Lube - Use this only if you don't have access to a condom or some other contraceptive and you're sure she doesn't have some sort of STD, because lets face it. You're not the creme of the crop, and we don't need any more little shits like you running around.
  • Banana or Cucumber - Watch the new movie, Teeth, and you'll see why you'll want to test her out before you do anything.
  • Socks and zip-ties - This is to tie her down without leaving the messy bruises, also, some women, seemingly unconsciously, flail like fish during sex. For your own safety.
  • Electric Razor - Just in case you caught her on the day before she meant to shave or something.
Keep these items in mind and everything should go smoothly. Try not to bring cellphones, cameras, or mp3 players as they can distract you from the job you came to do. Also, if you record it, you WILL get caught, and that is a fact, so no RedTube.

3) Doin' Yo' Thang
Now you're ready to rock her (unconscious) world. Remember, just because she's as unconscious as a coma patient with Downs Syndrome, it doesn't mean she's not human, so don't just pound away until you see blood. Most of the chemicals in the aforementioned drugs will knock her out for a good 4-6 hours. Take your time. Try different positions and keep things fresh, there's nothing worse than a boring raping, then you've just wasted your time and money. Good for the economy; bad for you.

Try to pull out at the end and not ejaculate inside her...that's just plain gross. Remember what I said about reproducing for your kind? It's a definite no-no. Try to have something like a Cum Bucket (Patent Pending) or something similar if you want to keep it. Usually you can just grab a handful of napkins and later flush them down the toilet. However you want to dispose of your soldiers is really up to you.

4) Closing Shop
So now you're done and if you went with the Chloroform route, chances are there are going to be sirens screaming out your name very soon. First things first, get that bitch cleaned up! Try not to wash the head because girls usually wear makeup, and water will be a dead give-away that she was fucked around with (Pun fully intended).

Next, put her clothes back on. This is the tricky part for most guys because she's just laying there recently washed, knowing you her breasts and vagina are probably cleaner than hospital rooms, and smells Zestfully clean. This makes most guys want to go for round 2, or 7, depending on how many times you finished the first time. You can do it though; you've made it this far and I know you can finish the job.

This last part is very tricky, how to put her someplace where someone won't get Sloppy Seconds, place you as a suspect, or have her even consider what happened. If you have a car, just drop her off at (her) home with a half-empty (Or half-full) bottle of Tequila in her hand, with the other half sprinkled over her shirt, skirt and feet. This will make her think she somehow got home and passed out on the couch or floor. If you don't have a car, kill her and burn her body in a nearby field. Kidding! Put her in a taxicab and tip the driver extra with instructions to ring the doorbell and leave. Use a Hispanic or Black accent for good measure...

...and there you have it. The rapist's instruction manual, for those hopeless romantic science-gifted loners out there.

This concludes the first How-To I have ever written. Feel offended? Too bad you can't purchase a sense of humor, because that would help you tremendously. Because I enjoyed writing this one so much, I'll will take requests via the comment button below. The next regular update will be Monday.


stuki said...

I don't know f I'm sick, or you're sick, but man I laughed, hard.

Now back to the mentalhospital.

Amir said...

God, that was hilarious.

You made my day. I'm going to try this. Just kidding of course. :D

Anonymous said...

you better run, little boy, because one of those women you raped is on her way to your house right now, dead set on castrating you, then burning your body alive in the nearest abandoned field.

brentorama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.