Monday, February 25, 2008

Interview with Jesus upon his second coming.

I turned 20 on Saturday and not much has changed; I'm still funnier than everyone reading this, I can't drink legally here in the states and I can go to jail for looking at a high schooler the wrong way.

Because the weekend sounds boring on paper, I wrote up another article, although this one being mostly an interview I whipped up a couple weeks ago. I haven't actually read it over, but I assume that it's both hilarious and blasphemous to the fullest extent.

Jesus: Ahh...feels good to be back...
Random Christian: Oh my-Jesus Christ!
J: Hey, what the hell did I tell you and everyone else about using my name in vain?
RC: Uh, I wasn't using it vain-I mean, there's no vain here. I was using it as your name, because, it's you!!
J: Look, I know who I am, ok? You'd better not be calling me a liar...
RC: I'm not, I'm just explaining why I said your name, you know, not in vain.
J: Alright alright fine...but that's not my name anymore. Try it again.
RC: Umm...Jesus Christ, the Son of God?
J: Nope, come on...I know you know...and believe me, I know you know better than you know yourself.
RC: ummm....
J: Jesus, I disappear for a few thousand years, leave my detailed instruction manual and you still don't know my proper title? Why do I even bother with you idiots?
RC: No, I know it...but just so you know, you said your own name in vain...
J: Quit stalling, I can say whatever I want, I died for your sins remember?
RC: Oh yeah; my bad. Ok, I think I've got it.
J: Alright, you'd better get it right.
RC: Ok, here goes: Our Savior Jesus Christ!
J: Nice...but wrong. It's MR. Savior Jesus Christ to you. You need to learn some respect.
RC: Alright, alright, sorry. Nobody's perfect you know...
J: Ahem...
RC: Ugh, yeah, sorry...
RC: Ok, I will, sor-
J: Finish that sentence and you will regret it for all eternity...literally.
RC: Alright, my bad.
J: AGH! At least it's better than hearing you say 'sorry' again
RC: So what took you so long to come back?
J: HEY, I've got shit to do ok? If I didn't keep busy, my dad would just force me to check on the other galaxies and whatnot, they're sooooo boring, everyone fights other planets for logical reasons. Ya'll are interesting though, you fight each other for no tangible reason and say you're doing it to defend my dad's honor or whatever...HILARIOUS! By the way, I'll be asking the questions around here - you know, if that's alright with you.
RC: Fine...
J: Good. But yeah, like I was saying; I mean, you kill things for no reason, try to get people to like me and my dad instead of just leaving them alone and only thank us when something good happens. Come to think of it, ya'll are assholes too...luckily, ya'll were one of our first species, aside from dinosaurs, and yes, you did evolve from them.
RC: Really??! The Bible doesn't say anything about 'em.
J: That's because most of you think we made dinosaur fossils to "test your faith" in us, which is almost as idiotic as those people who kill in our name when we specifically said "Thou Shall Not Kill". All the gods had a meeting a while back and we decided that anyone that kills, for whatever reason, is going to hell. End of story.
RC: What about that Buddhist Monk who burned himself alive? Isn't suicide technically killing yourself?
J: Yeah, but it's your life, you can end it whenever. Besides, he lived his whole life for Buddha, so one sin that didn't directly effect anyone else but him, and isn't going to screw him over. I actually talked to him and Buddha like 3 weeks ago, they're BFFs, they text eachother all the time, play Twister and pants everyone. They got me last week; they're soo sneaky.
RC: Haha, that's crazy. Wait, Oh all the soldiers in every war are going to hell and whatnot?
J: Yeah...from both sides, because we don't play favorites. We had a talk with Buddha, Yaweh and everyone and we decided that anyone who kills, regardless of the reason, are going to hell or whatever substitute they believe in.
RC: That's a bit harsh, don't you think?
J: Why, did you kill someone?
RC: Well no...but I did go hunting with some friends and we just put the buck on their wall...that's not bad, right?
J: Oh, no, not at all........of course it is you idiot. You didn't need to kill it, so you're definitely fucked.
RC: Is there anything I can do?
J: depends how much money or time you gave to the church. Once we saw the percentage of people who had broken at least one of the commandments on Wikipedia, we decided to let people buy themselves into Heaven assuming they spent at least 40% of their time/money directly to the church. Non-profit organizations don't count by the way.
RC: Oh well, luckily, I became a born-again christian around high-school time and stopped sinning after that.
J: OK, first of all, everyone is sick of you calling yourself a "born-again christian", it's fucking retarded. You weren't born-again...that's impossible-even for my dad-since born literally means the beginning of life. I'm the only person who can do that. Call yourselves "Slow Christians" or "Finally-Figured-it-Out Christians" ok?
RC: Fine. So what now, aren't you going to send everyone bad into eternal damnation or something?
J: What?! Oh god, no! Why would I do that?! That's horrible!
RC: Well isn't that what ya'll said would happen?
J: Yeah, but not for everyone, only for Christians.
RC: Well how does that work?
J: Anyone that claims they're a Christian of any kind and hasn't adhered to the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights goes under with Lucy.
RC: Lucy?
J: Yeah, Lucifer's nickname for the time-being. We were playing strip-poker and he was the first one out, he's been getting so much fast food lately that he has man-boobs so we call him Lucy now.
RC: Oic...
J: HEY! None of that AIM shit, we made England be very strict about the language
with Oxford and just for that reason.
RC: Ok, woah, calm down. 'Oh I see'
J: I'll let that one slide for now, but next time do it without a tone, got it?
RC: Yes sir...
J: Yes sir-what?
RC: Yes sir, Mr. Savior Jesus Christ Sir...
J: Much better, now where was I? Oh yeah, so like I said, if you tell people you're Christian and you sin, you're pretty much screwed.
RC: What about the Atheists who don't believe in you, the Jews who killed you, or all the other religions who challenge your existance?
J: Oh them? They're humans, like you, what do they know? Besides, why am I going to punish people that I have nothing to do with?
RC: Well, because they don't believe in you...and uhhhh...
J: HA! You don't have a good reason. We all made a unanimous decision to only decide the fates of those who belong to us.
RC: So the Atheists, Scientologists and all the other non-Christians aren't effected?
J: Of course not, Atheists die and come back again in an alternate universe. Christians go to Heaven/Hell, etc.
RC: Well that makes sense I guess.
J: You bet it does. Anyways, I reckon I should stop delaying the inevitable, I've got work to do.
RC: What about me? Am I getting saved or not? Wait don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise...actually. Yeah, ok, tell me, I'm ready.
J: Yeah...looks like you didn't make it.
RC: What?! Why?
J: HAHA, I'm kidding, you're in.
RC: Oh, haha, good one. AHH! This is awesome, I'm siked! Maybe we ca-
J: NO! We are NOT going to wear matching robes. Just forget it, ok? No toga parties either, so don't even start.
RC: Fine...

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