Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Not the kind associated with sleeping cows...

Look, I'm busy, I've got a lot of homework and whatnot to do, so instead of the regular update, I leave you with an article I wrote a few months ago.

Before I even officially begin, I want to let everyone that I have worked at a job where I received tips...and not only that, you would only get tips only if you earned them (Unlike everyone else). So don't give me this bullshit about me being insensitive to other's jobs, especially since most of these people are simply working for the money that they'll end up spending on necklaces, further fattening food (With a diet coke of course) and terrible terrible movies. Back to the topic at hand:
Tipping; talk about taking shit for granted. It's become so normal that waiters now expect a tip instead of putting in that extra effort to actually earn it like I did. Here's my rule on tipping:

I don't tip for anything I can't do myself; especially when it comes to transporting food over short distances (Unless I'm with friends and we leave a mess of food on the ceilings and spitballs on the walls...sigh...).

Granted, it's a little long, but whatever. The main thing I don't understand about tipping is why it goes by price. If I get a $20 steak, it's not like the freckled fuck, carrying it the thirteen feet from the kitchen (which is actually close enough that if I stood up, I could've seen exactly how it was cooked) to where I'm sitting, is actually doing anything more excruciatingly difficult than if I sat thirty feet away by chunky hostess. The only person I should really be tipping is the cook! Not only is he doing all the work, but he/she is the reason I came here in the first place! I can't cook myself a damn good steak like Luis in the kitchen can, so I decided to come to a place that can. So why don't all you waiters get me my drink and shut the fuck up (Unless you're mildly attractive or funny, in which case I might actually consider paying attention to you). It's absolutely fucking ridiculous and I'm not having any more of it.

All of these little pricks take tipping for granted, when I worked I made sure my work equaled my tip, not whatever the costumer bought. I mean, honestly, who doesn't tip? No one I know. Call me original, call me an asshole...all I know is I'm making sure everyone knows, again, that they they're dispensable. Although most of my logic is already penetrating those dense skulls of yours, let us analyze complaints by actual waiters that I'm friends with, shall we?
  • Customer has a bad attitude - Guess what? We're humans too, and maybe we're pissed because there's actually a Neopets movie coming out next year. When we're pissed we want to die...well...no...we want everyone else to die...or at least be mildly disgruntled. Not everyone is in a good mood and those who are not, don't give a shit if you're happy or not, so why don't you take your optimism and fake smile and get me the bucket of beers and Boneless Honey BBQ Wings I ordered.
  • Kids are annoying - Stop complaining about kids, being a child means it's the one time you can take a shit in a girl's purse without legal repercussions; if you don't think you can handle a few kids then get into another line of work...like somewhere that has nothing to do with your pathetic dim-witted social skills.
  • People stay "too long" - First of all, I don't care if you're losing money, since I have to pay eventually, so am I. Secondly, as long you are a paying customer, there's no such thing as "too long". If I want to order a Chocolate Cake and Coffee while I read my book, I'm going to do just that and stay until I see fit. I'm a customer, and while I'm sitting in your section, you're pretty much my bitch. Besides, you're not really doing anything that effects me-other than the fact that you brought me my delicious chocolate pastry about 23 minutes ago and you know what? I'm going to keep on doing what I very well please.
  • Receiving religious pamphlets instead of cash - Unless you've already had enough education to stop believing and/or outgrown religion, then you shouldn't be complaining. Hell, those people probably left that for you since you seemed like such a fucked-up excuse for a person. You should be grateful people care about you enough to allow you enter their religion as well. Should you actually not believe in god (or gods for all you dark brown people out there) however, you should take that as a direct insult and make sure they don't leave the premises unscathed, either mentally or physically...to each his own.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should stop tipping. I'm just presenting the reasons of why I don't tip. Besides, if everyone stops tipping, we might have less waiters and then have even shittier service than we do already (I know, it was hard for me to imagine that as well). However, my lack of tipping will do very little, if no impact on the Food Industry if people keep on throwing their money to the people who perform every little mundane service they can think of. In reality, people like those who are reading this and thinking "Whatever broham, I'm tippin'", are the same people that allow me to not top. In that sense, I thank you.

Oh, and I'll update this again maybe on Thursday...if I feel like it.

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