Thursday, January 10, 2008

Day 8

Another version of "Survival of the Fittest"...

First order of business (If updating this blog made me money), on Conan O'Brien this week, I saw and heard Nicole Atkins perform. She was nothing short of amazing. When she opened her mouth and let her spectacular voice fly, I had to stop typing, close my laptop and really make sure I was hearing her right. Her voice and style of music is so refreshing, very 40s without the big band. Her voice is something between Nancy Sinatra and Grace Slick, I love it. Here's her Myspace, and here are my favorite songs of her in order from Bestest to Best.
  1. Maybe Tonight
  2. Brooklyn's On Fire
  3. Neptune City
  4. Skywriter

I don't even remember what all has happened since my last update, I just know I've been watching a lot of TV, written a lot of jokes and offended some people; essentially I haven't done much out of the ordinary.

Here's a quick tidbit about me:
Sometimes I like to hop on my bed, move the linens 'n things over and lay down on my stomach while I close my eyes to listen to my heart beat. The most amazing part is when I hold my breath, I can feel and hear my heart beat progressively slower and weaker. It really reminds me that I am very alive and mortal; so I try not to do it too often.

Now back to your regularly scheduled comedy. Like I said, I've been watching a good amount of TV and a couple days ago, I watched the series premier of Cashmere Mafia; a new series that's basically a mix between Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives except these are powerful women, not struggling writers or lazy homemakers.. Now I know that these are fairly feminine shows, but this one stars Lucy Liu, which, as many of you know, is the most beautiful woman in the world. It could be my thing for Asian women, or maybe my thing for powerful women who make more money than me, but I like this show.

The pilot, obviously this will always be one of the best episodes of a series as it is the one pitched to the networks, was really well written. Lucy Liu is delicious, and surprisingly enough, so are the other 3 actresses (Unlike Sex & the City, where you get a crack-addicted-look-alike writer, a cancer-filled red head, a stereotypical nymph-temptress and an Anal Retentive manager). Like I said before, these women have jobs that pay damn good salaries and are pretty clever, you can watch the full episode at ABC's website. At the end of the episode, Lucy Liu's fiancé breaks up with her character because she beats him in a competition for a promotion...yeah, I could definitely NEVER fucking do that. Even if the script said I had to do it; not happening. I'm positive I would get into an argument with the director:

Lucy Liu: Babe, I got the promotion...which means you're going to be fired.
Me: That's fine that you got the promotion babe, as long as I get to have sex every time I cook dinner.
LL: Wel-wait! What?!
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!!
Me: What?!
D: That's not in the script, try it again.
Me: Alright, fine...dick.
D: What?
Me: Huh? Oh, nothing, I had to clear my throat, lemme get some water real quick.
D: Yeah...action!
Me: Babe, I'm fine with you getting the job over me, just give me an expense account so I can buy you sexy lingerie and fuck you on the kitchen counter when you get likey?
D: Wha-cut! Cut!! Cut!!
Me: What the fuck man, I'm literally right here, not four feet away from you; you don't need to say it three times. Jesus Christ.
D: Then STOP MAKING UP YOUR LINES and break up with her like it's says in the script.
Me: I can't do it, it's fucking Lucy Liu, the hottest babe on the planet...and stop talking in all caps!
D: Whatever kid, it doesn't matter, and you don't matter. You're just some actor, so read the script like you're supposed to.

here's the part where i get pissed

Me: IT DOESN'T MATTER?! Who the fuck are you? You couldn't break up with Lucy Liu!
D: YEAH IT D-...well, not in real life, but I could do it for TV
Me: OK, fine, look at her soft sad eyes and do it!
D: ...I...look, I can't...damn it.
Me: That's right bitch! Now where's my sex scene?

That seems about right...

It doesn't matter what fucking channel I turn the TV to, they've all been plagued with the trailer for that herpes of a movie: Meet the Spartans. As if Date Movie and Epic Movie weren't bad enough, they're making parodies of movies that weren't that good to begin with, terrible and way overdone pop culture references, and even making fun of movies that won't be released for months. Here are a few reasons not to watch this movie:
  • Brittney Spears parody
  • Oswald from The Drew Carey Show doing a terrible English accent...the line he says would actually be funny if he said it in a practical manner without the accent.
  • Donald Trump parody of "You're Fired"; Oh how FUCKING ORIGINAL!
  • Happy Feet...sigh...
  • Constantly kicking people into the Pit of can find over 50 different versions of that on YouTube.
  • Actually, you can find almost every single gag/joke that will be in this movie, somewhere on YouTube, for free.
If I know who you are, you watch it, and I find out, I will hit you. Yes, even if you're a girl. Women are only allowed so much stupidity before you gotta hit 'em to make sure they stay in line...or if their name is Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry, in which case, they need to be smacked around daily.

The day before today I saw Charlie Wilson's War. It's a good movie for people who have graduated high school. The scenes where Tom Hanks and Philip Seymour Hoffman are together, are absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, it won't change your life, but it will make you feel mildly well inside. Although, towards the end, I couldn't help but realize that we were going to fight these same guys, which we armed, not 15 years later. 8/10

Afterwards, Camo called me since he had just arrived from China, so we went to Husky's (The most delicious burgers ever) and talked for a bit. Then we picked up my sister from Driver's Ed and took her home. Still bored, we went to Barnes & Nobles, where I decided to buy yet another stand up DVD; this one being Zach Galifanakis Live at the Purple Onion. I think that's the 12th comedy DVD I've bought this year alone...

I want to record a series of audio tapes that explains to people how to overcome being deaf.

If you ever want to make some ecstatic and high-quality friends, go to a New Student Orientation at a community college. I met some of the peppiest and most prominent drug addicts, future cholo wives and illegitimate mothers in all of Houston. I say this because I start school next week, and my mood is, well, hopeful. As in, I hope I don't get a class full of Cy-Falls people I know, people who still wear their high school letter jackets, or single mothers who talk about their kids.

If you want to see some really uneducated and ignorant people post ridiculous idiocies about politics they know nothing about, click here (My posts are the ones in blue).

I leave you with the thought I was, well, thinking, before I began writing this entry tonight:
How many human bodies stacked on top of each other, could I run over, in a Hummer, before they would stop acting like a speed bump and I'd really have to gun it to knock them over?

Any physics savvy people, or people with Hummers and a lot of money; feel free to find the answer and get back to me with diagrams and pictures...and a bar graph.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Man that Gatyr fella on that uneducated website you posted sure does seem smrt. He, Tf, and you should rule that site with a Stalin-like iron fist.