Monday, December 17, 2007

Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the Fittest, which can, and is defined in modern society as a fucking joke, is my topic for today. If you need further clarification, watch the first 10 minutes of Idiocracy here. The only way the USA is going to improve is to start getting rid of people who have no education, have a shit life and aren't trying to turn it around. Most people would say move them to another country, but then the pansies who want to get re-elected by the women and gays of the country will say it's also our responsibility to feed them, making us lose more time and money. The only solution is the one that Hitler began, but in a wider scale...don't kill all the greedy Jews because they run our banks and give us the delicious delis. You can't kill all the blacks because then there wouldn't be any music to corrupt the minds of minorities. Don't kill all the Mexicans because then NOTHING will get done, and so on. We need to eliminate all the people who don't contribute to society and aren't attempting to improve their/other lives AND any convicted felons who pleaded guilty or were convicted with enough evidence that their lawyers were contemplating suicide for taking their case. Now, how could we do this without spending millions of dollars on legal bullshit and further weaken our economy?

This question brings me to my next point, Capital Punishment and Experimental Mass Executions. Many people try and convince you that that violence begets violence, however, a lot of especially-violent violence will result in fear, which is what we're going for. We could utilize various older forms of Capital Punishment and Executions including burning people at the stake, boiling them in oil, and my favorite; beheading, however they wouldn't be any fun and there would be hardly any financial gain. I would like to implement more fun and commercially acceptable ways to execute, that aren't too hard to market and sell to the public, in ways for them to bet money on. This will get the economy rolling and make violence fun again:
  1. This first one is my personal favorite…it's not original by any means; however the fact that I'm the one making it marketable, makes it my invention. Basically, you get someone that's really sick or useless, like a pedophile or an NRA Member and tie their arms and legs to vehicles using ropes. Then, at the same precise moment, you make all the vehicles start accelerating…"Homero, didn't you say something about selling this? How is that possible?" I'll tell you. You bet on which limb gets ripped off the main torso first! In case this ever happens, if it's a male, I suggest you bet on the left arm since legs are pretty strong and most guys jack off with their right hands which makes it stronger than the left. Plus, left handed people are pussies...that's a fact.

  2. Mythbusters get to use real humans for projects regarding decapitation and what happens to a human when dropped from various heights.

  3. Launch people at a low angle across the ocean and have people bet on how many times they will skip on the surface until either a limb breaks off or it sinks.

  4. Electrocute people in various forms. Doesn't everyone want to see what getting electrocuted really looks like, instead of having to see a some cute PG version like Home Alone, where all that happens is he screams like a girl and his hair stands up? Does that really happen? I don't know...but let's find out!

  5. Create real life Storming the Beach at Normandy and War reenactments. Wouldn't that be awesome? None of that bullshit you see in Virginia and Alabama where people with IQs in the single digits shoot talcum powder out of a wood pipe and fall down after two minutes of "fighting". Besides, history is important, and the more graphic and real it is, the better kids remember it. Hell, maybe let the kids take some limbs with them in a souvenir jar or something.

  6. Modern day gladiator-type fights with different'd be like betting on a wrestling match except it wouldn't look like 3 hours of poorly acted foreplay with exploding ketchup packets. It would be held in a custom made stadium, which in its self would creat hundreds of jobs.
    • Hand held weapons - These are always a crowd favorite and always the really messy ones because there's always that one guy that gets carried away and doesn't stop cutting or banging the shit out of an opponent until he gets killed or the referees pulls him off...showoff.
    • Pistols - These are the most fun, a big maze made out of titanium walls in the stadium and the best part is, it automatically attracts the 14-year olds who sit on their ass all day, playing that poor excuse of a game, Halo. Younger people in this event will most likely, should they actually win, Teabag their last kill.
    • Shotguns - ...need I say more?
    • The Potpourri Round - An odd assembly of people...or is it? I want midgets, women, teenagers, jews, old folks, indians, cripples and just to spice it up, one guy with a chainsaw that only has enough gas for 1 minute. If he doesn't trip and fall on the chainsaw he might just get one of the midgets and a woman or two...but after that gas is up, he has to fight like everyone else. If we're really lucky, we could see a teenager grab a midget by the feet and beat some old guy with it, now THAT's entertainment. Here's something we could change, the chainsaw could be in the middle of the arena...have you ever tried getting a chainsaw started? It's not easy! Now imagine trying to get it started while a woman is beating your head in with her shoe and some old guy is beating you with a midget...crazy shit!
Those are all my ideas to help out the US Economy, and I know they would work because Americans love violence more than any other country, and because of the creation of jobs in building the ultimate arena, running it on all major channels, cleaning crews, guards, referees, and of course, all the betting going on that would fulfill every bookie's wetdream.

No comments: