Monday, December 31, 2007

Paul Anderson, Alexander Witt, and Russel Mulcahy must die.

If you don't know who these disgusting excuse for people are, then consider yourself luckier than the whores on The Girls Next door. Of course I'm talking about the three directors of the worst trilogy ever, save anything with Halle Berry, otherwise known as The Resident Evil Movie Trilogy.

1. Resident Evil
It's starts off harmless enough, with the beautiful and infamous Umbrella logo and the Arkley Mansion that everyone knows is the one used to hide the lab outside Raccoon City. Then, we're graced with the most delicious nipple shot of Milla Jovovich since The Fifth Element. However, this immediately is destroyed the second some Umbrella Containment/Police Force storm into the house, and ride some ridiculously long train ride that rivals that of the Half-Life Intro, to some enormous bullshit facility where thousands of people work in secrecy. The only thing in the game series that can be compared to the train, is the lift in Resident Evil 2 that takes you on a vertical ride down into the aforementioned facility, on which you fight the William Birkin Tyrant in his weakest stage.

Anyways, the movie goes on to show some fancy laser grid field that is unimpressive and kills a couple people because they're stupid. Then they encounter zombies and, like always, no one EVER thinks to shoot the head...even in Shaun of the Dead they knew to remove the head and they were two regular English bums, not members of a powerful overpaid police organization. Once you get over the stupidity of these events, you notice that all of a sudden, these zombies are some sort of cat mutants, since they all hiss like something you would see in a Hillary Duff movie. The "story" continues, killing everyone but 3-4 people, shutting the doors to the facility and getting ready for a deplorable ending...which consists of 3 minutes of action, where they find and kill a Licker rather un-climatically, leaving only Milla Jovovich and some douche who holds her hand and then gets taken away by some Umbre-blah blah blah...the point is, Paul Anderson is a dick.

2. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
This one starts off where the first one left off, somewhere between a pool of piss and baby blood...which would actually be better since baby blood tastes like sweet & sour sauce, but since it was more like taking a bath in piss, I lost all hope...kind of how I just completely lost control of this metaphor.

The movie begins showing that somehow, in less than a week, Umbrella erected a wall over a hundred feet high around ALL OF RACCOON CITY to quarantine the disaster. Are you fucking me? Not even one thousand Mexicans could have built something of that caliber, that fast. Once you get over that little hiccup of logic (As it is certainly not the last), and you accept the fact that all of the S.T.A.R.S. members, the best of the best of law enforcement in the area, is holed up in some random bar and get demolished by the Nemesis, you can then accept the rest of the plot where William Birkin, who is supposed to be a fucking tyrant, not some cripple-mind you, directs survivors to save his daughter. Don't forget that some of the survivors are SWAT, those sent in after the wall was built! Why would you send in all the cops and SWAT you had, after you built the wall meant to quarantine the city? Plot holes anyone?

Back to the rescuing of Sherry Birkin...not only do they accomplish this task, but you also get to see a boring and slow fight between Milla and the Nemesis...which is about as rewarding as watching Rosie O'Donnell play with silly putty. Some black guy (Mike Epps) is shown a couple times, I guess so Alexander Witt wouldn't get sued by the NAACP ( N iggers A re A lways C ausing P roblems). The film ends with an explosion and Milla J. being allowed to escape YET AGAIN. Watching this movie, however, we learn a new lesson: Alexander Witt is the cock-tease of directing.
I refuse to make fun of Jill Valentine because in this movie she's just like her badass character, wears the same clothes as Resident Evil 3:Nemesis and is portrayed by some hott babe...thank Darwin for new unbiased actresses.

3. Resident Evil: Extinction
OK...Now you bring in a Tyrant? and introduce infected birds? AND include Albert Wesker? Who apparently runs Umbrella now? Thanks for shitting on the Survival of the Fittest theory where the stronger and better people will always survive over the barely-thinking-fecal-matter like Russel Mulcahy, who destroy good things.

Let's start off with the beginning, which hasn't been reused at least twice in every movie in the trilogy. We are then treated to the first action sequence in the movie, which is completely random and horribly filmed - where she fights four Zombie Dogs (Or was it five? It's impossible to tell) the only prominent problem bein; we can't make ANYTHING out because it seems that the cameraman decided to have an Epileptic Seizure as he filmed the whole damn scene. The camera is zoomed in close enough to where we could perform open-heart surgery on one of the dogs and changes angles faster than these ads you see online:

Resident Evil

Then, once we see that Ali Larter portrays the Claire Redfield character perfectly (read: Not), we get our first shot of the talentless singer/actress, Ashanti, who thank god, dies not 15 minutes later. We then get a bunch of filler material where we see Albert Wesker, one of the smartest and most badass villains ever, be played by some douche who talks douche-like and has the very appearances of a douche. Then birds attack, people die, they decide to go to Alaska, but stop at Vegas for gas and all get wiped out in a 7 minute action sequence that is quite unimaginative, even the death of the badass Texan sniper appalling. The people who escape are the 3 main "good" characters, one of which dies while smoking weed (Russel, you hipster, you!), while another flies to Alaska. The other is Alice, who grabs her blades and goes down to the OTHER "super secret" Umbrella underground facility.

Here's the part EVERYONE has been waiting for...Alice vs. the Tyrant...Russel Mulcahy however, realized this and worked his so very dark magic to make it the dullest fighting sequence since those of the Harry Potter movies:
  1. Tyrant hits Alice
  2. Alice stabs him
  3. He runs away, she finds him, he starts chocking her with his tentacles that are actually supposed to be claws.
  4. She cuts the tentacles right before she dies, no one saw that coming...
  5. He tries the SAME ATTACK AGAIN!...which she blocks using her TK powers that she should just use to rip him to shreds, and knocks him into a wall.
  6. He bitch-slaps her into the room with the lasers and the audience begins to leave because we all know the mundane ending that's coming up.
  7. The lasers chop him up and not Alice because her clone saves her, thus ending the most uneventful "action" sequence that was built up for over an hour and lasted approximately 4 minutes.
  8. Cue the anti-climatic ending and bland music and we are done.
  9. The credits role, commencing with the line "All your money are belong to Sony Pictures!".
  10. Everyone now leaves the theater having lost a small piece of humanity and compassion for the human race inside of them...and look to the sky wondering how much better their lives would have been, had they just gone to see Rush Hour 3...go to hell Russel Mulcahy.

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