Day 29

Fuck creationism, this is the truth!

Line of the Week: Where do baby ants go to school? - Ricky Gervais on Extras


Aside from the next sentence, this whole update is going to almost be completely about television or films. I recently found a way to describe myself:
Sapiosexuality:
1. (n.) A behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use. From the Latin root sapien, wise or intelligent, and Latin sexualis, relating to the sexes.

I just found out that Baby Mama, the first film starring Tina Fey in way too long, was both directed and written by someone either than Tina Fey...wtf?! This is just depressing. Not only is it being directed by someone with little experience and only a few movies under his belt as anything but a writer, but this is also his directorial debut!! With a Tina Fey film! However I have faith that anything with Tina Fey can't be so bad that $6 won't be worth it, so I will definitely be checking it out tomorrow.

I have a friend who associates me with nigger. That's right, every time she hears the word nigger, I'm the first person that pops into her mind. I'm not entirely sure how to process this, but I think I can file that under an accomplishment causing cognitive dissonance. I mean, for most people it's like "Whenever my friends hear cheese, they think of me, because I ate cheese for three days one time" or "Everyone thinks of me whenever they hear KKK"...I live in Texas. Also, you have to think of it this way (Well, I have to, but only because I'm contractually obligated), at least I'm not a white guy.

On Thursday I saw a Vagina on ER. Now before you get excited, keep in mind that it was blocked...BY A GIANT BLOOD-DRENCHED BABY!! I suppose that could count as a punchline to someone who's unfamiliar with comedy.

Interview with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant about The Office and their other works: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Apparently, 63% of terrorists blame Dr. Phil for the reason they attack the United States.

Day 28

Proof that the Writers' Strike wasn't that bad...

Line of the Week: Hey black people, DON'T VOTE!! - Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock


Before I begin, let me get the movie news out of the way.

• The Spirit - I talked about this in the last update, but the teaser trailer came out this weekend and it looks fucking gorgeous.
• Taken - Liam Neeson starring in an action film that will probably make Rambo look like Daddy Day Care 2.
• Ghost Town - An upcoming comedy about a misanthropic dentist who can see ghosts. The best part? Stars Ricky Gervais.
• X-Files: I Want to Believe - I didn't hear about this until yesterday...and it's already in post-production! How is this not everywhere? X-Files is one of the epitomes of pop culture references.
• Fanboys - A comedy about Star Wars fanboys trying to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal an early print of Star Wars: Episode 1. George Lucas saw it, approved it and even let them use the same sound effects found in the original Star Wars.
• Heckler - It's about time a film like this came out...hopefully it'll be a wide release.
  

I 've gone to Quiznos so much in the past few weeks that the entire staff memorized what I eat, and began to prepare it today before I even reached the counter to place my order...I don't know how to feel about this. Maybe it's pathetic, but I'm almost proud and it felt like an episode of Cheers...now if only I can get them to greet me by my name when I walk in...

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people say that "drinking is getting old". Here's the deal idiots, if you've thought that or said that, there's only one reason for it. You drank for the wrong reasons. Chances are you drank to fit in, to be popular or because of peer pressure. As for me, I drink for one reason with a varying sub-reason. Because I love the taste of dark beer and sometimes I want to get wasted and justify my habit of groping random women.

Every time I see those Mac commercials with Justin Long and John Hodgman I can actually hear America's IQ drop a point.

Last Month brought upon a Vanity Fair issue that featured Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman and Amy Poehler on the cover. The main story read "Who says women aren't funny?" and addressed the negative stereotypes female comics have had to deal with. As I type this I'm actually reading the article and finding incredibly interesting. If anyone has the issue, or knows someone with it, I'll buy it from you or them...seriously.

Here's what I think. I think the reason why people think most women aren't funny is because they're only doing female comedy. The most successful female comics talk normal, without being gender-specific or about periods, women's rights, marriage, etc. Sarah Silverman, Kathleen Madigan, Ellen DeGeneres, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers and Roseanne Barr just to name a few. Frankly, I'm not a female comic so I can only sport so much weight on this subject, so I'll let author Alessandra Stanley tell it like it is. Here's the link to the article and the behind the scenes video.

I bet Kathleen Madigan probably gives sloppy blowjobs. I don't mean sloppy like something bad or unwanted, I mean it in a wet and highly desirable manner. A blowjob you only see in porn movies with extremely loud sucking-noises coming from the incredibly wet penis...doesn't sound so bad now does it?

It was recently the "birthday", you'll see why I use the quotes in a sec, of a kid I knew in high school who is now dead (see?). I thought that since he's dead it's no big deal, right? WRONG...so fucking wrong. Interested in people's minds and actions, I casually looked at his Facebook profile and saw pages and pages of people writing "Happy Birthday!!" except with terrible grammar and somehow managing to spell "birthday" incorrectly. I don't think people get the whole birthday thing; you see, it's called birthday because it represents the day you were born - day of birth - which I incorrectly assumed was global-wide knowledge. That being said, once you have a deathday (much less common, so much that spell check doesn't even know about it) and, like your birth certificate, you have your death certificate...your birthday is completely nullified. No cake and candles for you. The point I'm trying to make, is that when people die, they cannot have a birthday as it would go against science and God, so if you wish a dead person Happy Birthday, you're slapping God in the face with a titanium dildo.

The Editing Room, run by Rod Hilton, is one of my main influences for comedy and recently released an abridged script of Juno that is just as funny as the film itself. Check it out here.

The Comedy Class Showcase was last night at the Laff Stop. I was headlining so I got to watch everyone's act before going home to work on English. It was fantastic, everyone brought their "A-Game" and did really well. It was a blast being on stage with the highlight of the night definitely being the very last joke of my set. Tonight is Racist Night at the Open Mic so hopefully I'll be able to get some more stuff ready, aside from the slave and jew bits.

Afterwards, I came home and instead of working on my English stuff, sat down and for about an hour and half worked on a comedy MySpace and Facebook page. The only reason I didn't make these sooner is because I had absolutely no pictures of myself on stage. Here are the links:

Comedy MySpace - Add me, I'll post bulletins every time I'll be on stage (Aside from Open Mic Mondays).

Facebook Page - Become a fan and whatnot.

Send the links to friends, family, neighbors, midgets or anyone that lives in Texas.

Worst. Movies. Ever.

I was going to do a regular update, but I'm too bored so I figured I'd publish something I wrote a while ago. For everyone in Houston, next Monday (4/21) is Racist Week at the Laff Stop so go there at 8pm if you want to hear hours worth of original racist jokes.

As most of you know, almost every update of mine has something to do with movies. It's no secret I love movies, but hate movie makers and the American public. That being said, a few months ago I compiled a list of some of the worst movies and types of movies based on watching them and having to turn them off or even having to watch the trailer. Without further delay, here's the list:

• Catwoman - Halle Berry? The first Catwoman was fucking Julie Newmar...it wasn't some stupid black cunt who ruins movies to undeservingly upgrade her salary.
• Elektra - Jennifer Gardner with a main/speaking role...need I say more?
• Daredevil - I can't even express how much no one cares that you lost your eye-sight, and then gained the power of echolocation. Great fucking job, my left eye is 20/20 and my right is 20/100...do you know what that means? I have better eyesight than you, you useless fuck. Maybe we should make a movie of a deaf person who gains the ability to hear, or a cripple who can suddenly walk or maybe about a person who can't smell, but suddenly can smell almost too well! Billionaires Anonymous here I come!
  
• In case you didn't pick up on this by now, almost EVERY movie based on a comic book, video game or superheros has failed, with 2 exceptions:
• Sin City
• Batman Begins, which one major flaw, the lack of the Batmobile and for using some big piece of shit tank-thing instead.
• Don't even mention Transformers either, it wasn't good...it was entertaining, but not good. It would have been better if they had actually looked like Transformers and not something built for high school robotics project.
• These futuristic movies like Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet - Hey! Let's copy and destroy the great ideas of novels like Farenheit 451 and Brave New World by making a movie set in the future where some random person destroys the evil government from the inside out while throwing in subconscious messages of individualism (But not so much they they'll make the intelligent decision to stop watching it). The only movie that actually did this right is Equilibrium, and they have the record for most on-screen kills.
• Resident Evil - If you're going to use the name, use the fucking characters and story line, I'm talking about Claire Redfield, Leon Kennedy, Ada Wong, Jill Valentine, etc. Also, not only do the zombies NOT RUN, but they are decaying, not pale...also, where are the other effects of the G-Virus? Hunters, the huge Spiders, and Snakes, I mean c'mon, way to fucking ruin one of the greatest games ever. Read the full review here.
• Any Jennifer Lopez movie (That's not based on a world famous singer from the 80s) - Two of her movies, Maid in Manhattan and The Wedding Planner had the exact same plot which was Lopez playing some poor bitch who gets married with someone completely out of their league..and they have the same ending: Everyone who saw it cried at the end when they realized they'll never see those $6 ever again. The only movie aside from Selena that I liked was Enough, and only the first 3/4ths of it because you get to see her knocked around a couple times.
  
• Material Girls. - Starring the Duff sisters...is there anything more I really need to say?
• All Black Movies - Unless they're the Friday movies, they all suck. No one cares about the stereotypical black culture or else Jet would actually be read by someone else other than the cast of Barbershop...stop making them.
• Failed "Parodies" - These are the movies like Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie etc. Outside of the Mel Brooks films, Airplane, The Naked Gun series and Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, parody films are complete 100% shit. If you want to make one, here's what you do: Eat something that makes you shit out the most disgusting and painful turd, smell it until you vomit, collect all of that in a blender, squeeze out some armpit sweat into it, throw pictures of Brittney Spears, American Idol and some advertisments for product placement. Turn it on the highest setting and enjoy, serves all of the fucking retarded American public.
• Chucky Series - Did someone seriously love this piece of shit series about a fucking doll that you could easily drop in a tub of cement and render him useless, that they not only needed a sequel, but two sequels with the latter being one about his fucking doll wife? Are you shitting me? The only thing worse than this is the fact that there made a Jackass II...
• Jackass I/II - I mean really, doesn't the name say it all? Not only does it describe its target audience, it also describes the people in it. It's a DVD that's exactly 2 hours too long of people doing stupid shit that's not funny or creative for too much money. The fact that people supported these shows so much they made not one but two movies makes me wonder what's so wrong with Genocide if it's for the greater good? If you liked this movie, you don't deserve the ability to procreate.
• All these stupid teenage movies - They're all about a bunch of pricks in a frat house like Beer Fest, Old School, Grandma's Boy, and the National Lampoon movies that don't include Chevy Chase. Appart from the fact that they're all the same, have the same ending and a plot that always includes spending thousands of dollars to get laid, which no pussy is worth, and they always have some random shot of a domestic pet drinking beer (Which was never funny and is pathetic). The only thing worse than the useless double-stuffed oreo packing writers who make these stories up are the autistic teenage boys touching themselves at every shot of a tit and laughing at every penis joke and showing them the reason abortions exist in the first place.
• Any movie with Dakota Fanning - You're 6 years old, your teeth looked like you got kicked by donkey, you laugh at everything you say and you SCREAM IN EVERY GOD DAMNED MOVIE. The next time you illegally download War of the Worlds, count how many times she screams at the top of her lungs and gets people killed or or pisses someone off because of it. I hope her next movie is a movie based on the Bioshock game, because in this game, thank god, you can actually kill little girls...thank you Bioshock...it's been long overdue. Now if only we can start focusing on shooting the spokes off the wheels of people in wheelchairs while we contemplate what kind of sharp object we can cut their legs off with just to make sure they aren't faking it, we would be taking a step in the right direction.
  

Day 27

If you resemble the latter, please send me a video of your suicide.

Line of the Week: You're supposed to put your pee-pee up! -Oliver Hudson on Conan


I have to plug this guy who has taken over my MP3 player by storm this past month. His name is King Benjamin, and he's a DJ from the US that has a weekly show on Sense.fm called State of Kingdom that plays every Friday at 7pm and is absolutely incredible. If you Google him, you'll be able to download my favorite show of his, State of Kingdom 002. From Robbie Rivera to Justice to Midnight Youth this set has it all. His website, KingBenjamin.us, also has a few of his sets that are definitely worth downloading.

I happened to catch a bit of an episode of this seasons' Beauty and the Geek and I noticed something interesting. The only non-whites in the show "happened" to be paired up. It was the Asian geek with the Black "beauty" (She was short and ugly) while all the other perfectly white geeks were "equally" paired with other perfectly white "beauties". You know a show is pathetic when you can't describe the people without quotation marks. I have a feeling the show's executives told the geek "Hey chinaman, we're putting you with token and you'll be happy about it okay? We can't have you tainting our pure folk." I honestly wouldn't mind racism as much if people would just be honest about it instead of pretending.

I received a couple of complaints on how short my entries have been as of late...

and

I

totaly

totally*

agree...

with

those

people. So I'll try to make them longer...or not. It's my site and I'll update it as I very damn well please...or as long as I have the

Since the Writers' Strike ended, everyone's been waiting anxiously for their favorite shows to finally come back, and it finally happened Thursday night. 30 Rock, Scrubs and The Office finally came back. 30 Rock was a 7/10 with it's great synchronization of MILF Island and Tina Fey actually pretending to be furious, Scrubs was a 5/10 since it focused more on a few stories than jokes and The Office was a 7.5/10 because it was hilarious but definitely not one of the best.

I had the George Carlin It's Bad For Ya concert last night. I was supposed to go with Nate but he ended up being too busy, so Allen came with me...two comedians going to see a comedian, oh the joy. I won't go into detail as to how fucking awesome the show was, because it's George fucking Carlin.

Before the concert however, I casually searched (as opposed to strictly and formally) George Carlin in Facebook and happened to find some girls that liked him as well. Thinking I could get a quick Atheist hilarious lay, I started clicking on their profiles and saw that these girls, if they can be called that, are the ugliest human beings ever to be seen by my eyes. They were so horrendous they need government, philosopher and scientist issued certificates proving that they are, in fact, pert of the human species. Then I get to the show and holy jumping fucking Jesus, it was like 30 Rock's MILF Island...fucking incredible. Gorgeous women left and right...hell, the lady that sat next to me was born in Canada, insanely hott, loves comedy, and is coming with her husband to see Allen and I at the comedy showcase next Sunday...she reminded me of my future wife, save the husband.

There's a new movie coming out soon called Valkyrie. It's about project Valkyrie, Stauffenberg's attempt to assassinate Hitler from within the Third Reich. Tom Cruise stars as Stauffenberg, Kenneth Branagh as Treskow, the architect of the plan with Eddie Izzard and Bill Nighy in supporting roles. It looks fantastic and I even found a promotional cast photo.

I've been reading about 4-5 web comics a week for about a year now and I've gotta say, some are really disappointing and some are surprising hilarious, here's a few quick reviews for anyone that likes to nerd out every once-in-a-while:

• Ctrl+Alt+Del (CAD) - One of the first I ever read and it's a very decent overall comic. The drawings haven't improved much since I first began reading it, but the characters have progressed decently. Here's my problem with it...if it's changed, it's hardly noticeable. Ethan is still the scapegoat for most idiocies, Zeke is the angry resentful robot, Lucas is the hard working parent-type character and Lilah is the voice of reason. That's it; every once-in-a-while a comic that's not littered with words will come out and be pure comedic genius, but that's once a month at most. 
• Least I Could Do (LICD) - This one is unlike most web comics because it deals with the protagonist's crazy sexual and child-like exploits. Simply a great comic that focuses on one thing, and one thing only: Comedy. Whether it be from a simple sex related gag or a crazy over-the-top arc about a trip or one of Rayne's crazy goals, the comic works. A huge plus is that it doesn't talk to video games every single comic, only when it's referring major video game news, which is a fantastic breather from every other comic out there. Great characters without being too insane and, it's updated every day except but Sunday; making it one of the best web comics out there.
• 8-Bit Theater - My favorite web comic. It's easily the most well written comic filled with almost too much comedic genius that hooks you into the story full of equally hilarious characters. If there are any flaws in this comic, I have yet to find any.
• Pixelated Pupils (PixPup) - The worst...simply terrible. I tried giving this comic a chance but it failed me time and time again. As if the drawing and characters weren't dull and shallow enough, respectively, the organization is terrible. Their update schedule, if you can call it that, is Wednesdays and Saturdays, but actually means Friday mornings...sometimes. I even joined their forums in hopes of seeing some decent life on there, which ended in finding out that they were even more boring while interacting and wouldn't allow guest comics because they're "really protective of their characters". When I read this I couldn't help but realize that it was the only time their site had ever made me laugh because they didn't have characters since every "arc" is interrupted every 2 updates with some mundane filler comic that is only funny to the creators. Stay away from this comic if you have a sense of humor and like to read stories with inviting characters and interesting arcs.
• Cyanide & Happiness (C&H) - If you don't read this comic, go fuck yourself. The only comic where anything and everything goes, updates every day, and although a comic is either a hit-or-miss, they're almost always hits.

Tomorrow I'm going to Twisted to play paintball for the first time in months, and I've decided it will be a good day if I don't pass out or cry...or pass out crying. Also, I just added an Upcoming Events box in case you want to check out my stand up but aren't sure where I'll be.

Day 26

Mad respect for the guy who did this...

Line of the Week: Ah, banana oil -George Takei in Godzilla Raids Again (1958)


Before I tell you about the regular idiots I seem to come across, here are some original upcoming films of 2008 that actually look worth checking out:

• Tropic Thunder - A comedy action flick with Ben Stiller being seemingly less annoying than usual, Robert Downey Jr. with blackface and the best comedy performance since Superbad and Jack Black not surprisingly being the worst part of the film.
• The Love Guru - Mike Myers' new movie since that failure Cat in the Hat, with some decent acting and a hilarious Justin Timberlake cameo.
• The Spirit - Frank Miller's new movie about his friend's(Will Eisner) graphic novel: The Spirit. Here's a montage of the three posters which make a badass desktop.
  

Wednesday morning I was walking out of the library, and as I was about 20ft. away from the doors a woman and her two kids were entering. The woman was on her cell phone while pushing her kid in a stroller while the other one walked beside her. As her older daughter passed through the door with no problem, I could see the woman was about to begin struggling to hold the door open while talking on the phone and pushing the stroller through, all at the same time. Where most people would help, I began walking significantly slower and watched as she almost knocked over the stroller without ever thinking to put the phone down for one fucking second. If I could do it again, I sincerely believe that I would have to fight the incredible urge to grab the phone from the stupid cunt and throw it as far as possible...

Then, later that night, although I wasn't feeling all that well, I went to Luby's with my family for dinner. While we were in line, there was some lady who had about six kids with her, all of which were incredibly terrible. After she yelled at one kid to move aside so she could pay, by literally yelling "MOVE!"...I really wanted to say "I bet you wish the condom wouldn't have ripped either, because you're a terrible mother."

I totally forgot about this, but Tina Fey returned to her godly role of the SNL Weekend Update not too long ago for one episode, and it was fucking hilarious.

Thursday I went to Quiznos, and after I sign the bill, the cashier goes "Nice signature..my little sister could do that" in a playful way. She had been eyen me from across the room previous to this little encounter, and I could tell she was flirting with me...but she was fat, so I was having none-of-that. In reply, I said "Well with all the technology against Identity Fraud these days, I figured I'd stop being to selfish and help make at least one thing easier for the thieves...you know, give a little something back to the community." then I grabbed my food and left her dumb fat face full of confusion.

I'm sure something else interesting happened, aside from doing pretty good at the Open Mic tonight, but chances are I really don't care. Oh, Happy 20th Birthday to the fellow comedian from Cypress, Allen Chao. Other than that, fuck you, Conan is almost over and I need to get to finishing up the Chicken Fried Rice on the table and get me some cream cookies...