Thursday, April 17, 2008

Worst. Movies. Ever.

I was going to do a regular update, but I'm too bored so I figured I'd publish something I wrote a while ago. For everyone in Houston, next Monday (4/21) is Racist Week at the Laff Stop so go there at 8pm if you want to hear hours worth of original racist jokes.

As most of you know, almost every update of mine has something to do with movies. It's no secret I love movies, but hate movie makers and the American public. That being said, a few months ago I compiled a list of some of the worst movies and types of movies based on watching them and having to turn them off or even having to watch the trailer. Without further delay, here's the list:
  • Catwoman - Halle Berry? The first Catwoman was fucking Julie Newmar...it wasn't some stupid black cunt who ruins movies to undeservingly upgrade her salary.
  • Elektra - Jennifer Gardner with a main/speaking role...need I say more?
  • Daredevil - I can't even express how much no one cares that you lost your eye-sight, and then gained the power of echolocation. Great fucking job, my left eye is 20/20 and my right is 20/100...do you know what that means? I have better eyesight than you, you useless fuck. Maybe we should make a movie of a deaf person who gains the ability to hear, or a cripple who can suddenly walk or maybe about a person who can't smell, but suddenly can smell almost too well! Billionaires Anonymous here I come!
  • In case you didn't pick up on this by now, almost EVERY movie based on a comic book, video game or superheros has failed, with 2 exceptions:
    • Sin City
    • Batman Begins, which one major flaw, the lack of the Batmobile and for using some big piece of shit tank-thing instead.
    • Don't even mention Transformers either, it wasn't good...it was entertaining, but not good. It would have been better if they had actually looked like Transformers and not something built for high school robotics project.
  • These futuristic movies like Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet - Hey! Let's copy and destroy the great ideas of novels like Farenheit 451 and Brave New World by making a movie set in the future where some random person destroys the evil government from the inside out while throwing in subconscious messages of individualism (But not so much they they'll make the intelligent decision to stop watching it). The only movie that actually did this right is Equilibrium, and they have the record for most on-screen kills.
  • Resident Evil - If you're going to use the name, use the fucking characters and story line, I'm talking about Claire Redfield, Leon Kennedy, Ada Wong, Jill Valentine, etc. Also, not only do the zombies NOT RUN, but they are decaying, not pale...also, where are the other effects of the G-Virus? Hunters, the huge Spiders, and Snakes, I mean c'mon, way to fucking ruin one of the greatest games ever. Read the full review here.
  • Any Jennifer Lopez movie (That's not based on a world famous singer from the 80s) - Two of her movies, Maid in Manhattan and The Wedding Planner had the exact same plot which was Lopez playing some poor bitch who gets married with someone completely out of their league..and they have the same ending: Everyone who saw it cried at the end when they realized they'll never see those $6 ever again. The only movie aside from Selena that I liked was Enough, and only the first 3/4ths of it because you get to see her knocked around a couple times.
  • Material Girls. - Starring the Duff sisters...is there anything more I really need to say?
  • All Black Movies - Unless they're the Friday movies, they all suck. No one cares about the stereotypical black culture or else Jet would actually be read by someone else other than the cast of Barbershop...stop making them.
  • Failed "Parodies" - These are the movies like Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie etc. Outside of the Mel Brooks films, Airplane, The Naked Gun series and Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, parody films are complete 100% shit. If you want to make one, here's what you do: Eat something that makes you shit out the most disgusting and painful turd, smell it until you vomit, collect all of that in a blender, squeeze out some armpit sweat into it, throw pictures of Brittney Spears, American Idol and some advertisments for product placement. Turn it on the highest setting and enjoy, serves all of the fucking retarded American public.
  • Chucky Series - Did someone seriously love this piece of shit series about a fucking doll that you could easily drop in a tub of cement and render him useless, that they not only needed a sequel, but two sequels with the latter being one about his fucking doll wife? Are you shitting me? The only thing worse than this is the fact that there made a Jackass II...
  • Jackass I/II - I mean really, doesn't the name say it all? Not only does it describe its target audience, it also describes the people in it. It's a DVD that's exactly 2 hours too long of people doing stupid shit that's not funny or creative for too much money. The fact that people supported these shows so much they made not one but two movies makes me wonder what's so wrong with Genocide if it's for the greater good? If you liked this movie, you don't deserve the ability to procreate.
  • All these stupid teenage movies - They're all about a bunch of pricks in a frat house like Beer Fest, Old School, Grandma's Boy, and the National Lampoon movies that don't include Chevy Chase. Appart from the fact that they're all the same, have the same ending and a plot that always includes spending thousands of dollars to get laid, which no pussy is worth, and they always have some random shot of a domestic pet drinking beer (Which was never funny and is pathetic). The only thing worse than the useless double-stuffed oreo packing writers who make these stories up are the autistic teenage boys touching themselves at every shot of a tit and laughing at every penis joke and showing them the reason abortions exist in the first place.
  • Any movie with Dakota Fanning - You're 6 years old, your teeth looked like you got kicked by donkey, you laugh at everything you say and you SCREAM IN EVERY GOD DAMNED MOVIE. The next time you illegally download War of the Worlds, count how many times she screams at the top of her lungs and gets people killed or or pisses someone off because of it. I hope her next movie is a movie based on the Bioshock game, because in this game, thank god, you can actually kill little girls...thank you Bioshock...it's been long overdue. Now if only we can start focusing on shooting the spokes off the wheels of people in wheelchairs while we contemplate what kind of sharp object we can cut their legs off with just to make sure they aren't faking it, we would be taking a step in the right direction.

3 comments:

Chris said...

Actually, Man on Fire has Dakota Fanning in it. So you can suck it.

Homero Arellano said...

Yeah, but she gets kidnapped and you get to hear her cry, so it evens out.

Leah said...

figures YOU would like Selena.