Thursday, June 26, 2008

Day 38

Such an obvious joke, but done so wonderfully...

Line of the Week: He's not a superhero...he's a stuporhero. You see what I did there? -Jason Bateman on Hancock

I can't believe some people actually like Batman over Iron Man...that's fucking bullshit. There's no comparison, no contest and the only thing they have in common is that they're both really rich and smart but lack natural superpowers. The prominent difference? Stark knows what the fuck he's doing and designed it specifically for himself, while Wayne simply found it in daddy's company and puts guys in jail. Iron Man will fuck your shit up and blast you, your friends and your resources into fucking bits. Besides, Stark has superhuman strength and flight when he's in the suit, whereas Batman has a grappling hook and various little items that the only time you'd ever see them is in an Inspector Gadget movie. Fuck Batman. I want to read a comic book where The Joker crucifies Batman using kids toys and the bones of Robin.

Monday I was on my way to class and as I walk through a door I hold it open for this older lady who loudly exclaimed "Thank you, I see your mother raised you right" to which I immediately responded with a "Ha!". If she only knew the things that are constantly crossing my mind...

Driving on a highway is always a series of games to me. Whether it's trying to see how many times I can pass up the same car in a certain amount of time or the usual making weird faces at the cars passing me up, I try to make it as surreal as possible for those around me. One of my favorites is definitely getting the left lane and put it on cruise control, making sure I'm going about 75, or just a little bit faster than the cars in the middle lane. This is so I can slow down certain cars behind me while not looking like I'm doing it on purpose. The vehicles I don't mind slowing down:

Hummers - There has yet to be a Hummer owner that is worth getting to know in the history of the world, this is an easy and fun one...especially when it's a woman driving.
Yellow vehicles - Unless your car morphs into an alien soldier that's here to protect humanity for some reason, there is no excuse to own a yellow car.
Jeeps - Fuck Jeeps. Anyone who owns a car that comes with a zipper and/or plastic as an excuse for an exterior needs to go out, get a job and buy a fucking real car.
VW Bugs - Fuck 'em.
Anything with spinners - Do I really need to explain?

I streamed The Happening a few days ago and if Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay hadn't come out, I would've definitely put this "movie" as Best Comedy of the Year. Honestly, I think M. Night Shyamalan needs to give himself a Texas Funeral, because his last three films, if they can even be called that, have been complete shit. The worst part is that he somehow makes A-List actors full of talent turn into blubbering characters that make daytime television look like Citizen Kane.

I appreciate him as a director but his writing skills, or lack thereof, are really killing him. Here are some random lines from the film that had me laughing:

Alma: We're not gonna be one of those assholes on the news who watches a crime happen and not do something! We're not assholes!!
Private Auster: Cheese and Crackers!...
Betty: Why you eyeing my lemon drink?
Nursery Owner: You know, hot dogs get a bad rap. They got a cool shape, they got protein; you like hot dogs dontcha?'s fucking horrendous. It's so bad that you and your friends should pool your money and draw straws and send one of the guys off to watch it so that in the future, whenever you think you're sitting through a bad movie, he could shake his head, and chuckle tolerantly, and explain that you don't know what bad is...

Four new Dark Knight TV Spots with much more Joker in it, finally expanding on my favorite scene where he lets Dawes fall with the greatest smile of pure glee on his face...and that laugh...what I would do to have a laugh like that. Oh, and 8 New Images were released as well.

As if The Dark Knight wasn't already going to cause 90% of its viewers to come in their pants multiple times, they're also including the first trailer for The Watchmen.

I finally saw Get Smart on Wednesday and it was surprisingly good. Steve Carrell was actually not the exact same character he has been in every other film he's done (Thank god) and played well against Anne Hathaway, who has fucking delicious legs which she shows multiple times throughout the movie. The action is really well done and the script and plot move along surprisingly well.

This is not to say, however, that it was a great movie. Despite it's accomplishments, it's definitely not going to win Comedy of the Year. Many of the lines are forced, almost as bad as Indiana Jones and the Premature Ejaculation-like 'Climax'. They try to pull off a ridiculous amount of one-liners that don't make any sense, even though the completely random ones work, all while throwing around mildly predictable punchlines.

Allen and I went to College Station to perform at O'Bannon's yesterday and for almost 2-and-a-half hours argued about where were would place female celebrities on a 10-scale. It probably wouldn't have lasted as long as it did if I hadn't told him I think Jessica Biel is a 6 and Halle Berry and Fergie are 4s at best. He literally freaked the fuck out. Overall I think we ended up with a pretty good list of 8-10s, with my highest ranking bebs being Scarlett Johansson, Tina Fey, Kristen Bell, Lucy Liu, Hillary Duff, Jane Seymour, Lacey Chabert, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sophia Bush and Linda Cardellini to name a few.

I'm probably gonna go check out Wanted tomorrow at 10:15am so Dan and I don't have to deal with kids or blacks, because we all know how impossible it is to get them to wake up early. Maybe do something interesting this weekend, and then not write about it...or change it into a racist-filled experience to write about...we'll see.

Oh, and here's three more 'holy-shit' pictures from The Dark Knight. Uno, deux and three.

As it turns out, June 27th is Bill Gates' last day. It was documented and put up on online; check it out:

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