Sunday, July 6, 2008

Day 39

Don't breathe too deep, you'll choke on the freedom...

Line of the Week: It's just that, when I'm texting, telling someone they're a "piece of shiv" just doesn't send the same message... -Me on my phone finally memorizing "shit"

First things first, Happy 4th of July! If you're not American, well...happy Friday, cunt-muscles. I don't know about you guys, but I like to celebrate my Independence Day by supporting the Patriot Act. You see, I call people I don't talk to anymore in my contacts list and use common terrorist code words while mentioning various large cities and highly populated areas. It usually takes a day or two but those people seem to disappear rather quickly. Try it, it's fun. If you want, try it against the people of the Westboro Baptist Church, here is their contact information from a FOX newspaper:

(785) 273-0325 - Fred W. Phelps Sr., cell phone
(785) 272-4135 - Fred Phelps, Jr.
(785) 273-0529 - Benjamin Phelps
(785) 273-0277 & (785) 273-1080 - Shirley Roper
(785) 272-8559 - Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 232-2485 - Fax for Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 233-4162 - Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 233-0766 - Fax for Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 969-9017 - Steve Drain


Alright, some quick reviews before the cool shit.

Wanted was badass, great action, great visual effects only minimal CGI and really, can we honestly expect anything less from Bekmambetov? The action is ridiculous, plenty of blood to keep the juices flowing and a quick peek at Jolie's ass.

WALL-E is movie of the year, I can't even talk about it because it's so flawless. The most surprising part? It's not aimed towards children, this is a fim for the ages, and I wouldn't be surprised if this beats out The Dark Knight for Picture of the Year in the Academy Awards.

Here's a picture of WALL-E...wait, it's this one...shit, maybe it's this one. I don't know, fuck it, you figure it out.

Hancock was actually pretty good, but definitely far from perfect, so here's my take on it with plenty of spoilers included:

I knew Charlize Theron had powers from the second trailer they released a while ago. I don't know how everyone was surprised, I actually heard GASP from various people in the audience.

I liked the movie though. It flowed well, had me laughing in some parts and is worth watching, aside from only three problems I couldn't avoid:
  1. Peter Berg apparently went to his camera-work class in college and only attended the days where you learn how to zoom in, because he has no clue how to pan out. Every single shot is always of someone's face, zoomed in so close you can actually see their pores breathing.
  2. He considers the audience idiots. Whenever Hancock first meets Theron(Whatever her character's name is) Berg feels the need to constantly get in her face for about 20 sec. while she does an obvious "O NOEZ!!" face. This happens about 8 times in less than 20min.
  3. No real antagonist. I mean he fights Theron, but she was never going to kill him, and the hook handed guy was useless, but he got lucky that he turned mortal. Technically it had no real plot. The action is cool, the idea is fantastic and the acting is pretty good but the film as a whole just doesn't pop. It's missing something, and I think it's a solid plot.
This is what happens when studio execs feel the need to change shit up. I'm just glad they didn't completely destroy all of it like they did with Jumper. It's not anything that's going to be remembered as a huge blockbuster like Iron Man, TDK, Cloverfield and The Spirit and whatnot, but it's definitely something you should watch.

Hancock also had the new James Bond trailer, which you can check out here.

Oh, this is for the guys: a sound poster of new pictures of Sarah Paulson, Eva Mendes, Scarlett Johansson and Jamie King from The Spirit.

Here's some more Dark Knight clips you're sure to enjoy, The Domino's Extended Trailer, Good Cop, Bad Cop Routine and my favorite: The Party Crasher Scene. You should have your mouth open and your cock rock-hard by the time you're done watching all of those...similar to my weekend date rape adventures.

On Monday I received my first heckle-that-could-be-considered-a-passive-death-threat on stage and it turned out to be quite an event apparently.

Me: Slave joke - 'Wait, nevermind, you don't have to beat a Wii for it to work.'
Steve Cook: Motherfucka gonna end up on a milk carton...
Reverend Bart: I've got your back, I've got your back
Me: It's cool, I know who that is, it's Steve Cook. Hey man, you yelled that at me after I did that joke two weeks ago, how about you try something more original next time?

At this point I see Reverend Bart leave and the rest I heard from Russel and Marc. Apparently, Steve went outside and started complaining to Roach and eventually stormed out. After that, I ended up talking with a bunch of other comics about it and whatnot with hilarity ensuing.

The point is that it's about goddamn time someone says something about my Slaves bit, and I'm glad it happened at the Laff Stop...anywhere else and I would've been in both the hospital and prison, at the same time.

Eddie Murphy is coming back to stand up...finally. I've watched Delirious about six times and Raw around three and they always make me laugh out loud. Can't wait to hear some of his new shit.

After much meditation on the subject, I've realized that the best places to pick up women, as they're coming out, are:
  • Abortion Clinics
  • Bars
  • Optometrists
Most are pretty straight forward but allow me to explain myself. Abortion clinics are the greatest because you know she's not prude (Or she was raped, and who better to help than a sensitive guy who is willing to listen with a hard cock?) and she's alright with getting rid of mistakes. These are definitely keepers. Bars are good because girls rarely leave bars without a good amount of alcohol on them, so try to anticipate when they're coming out and bump into themenough to knock something down and flash a confident look as you hand it back, buy 'em a drink, slip in the roofie and she will be yours for the taking. Optometrists...her pupils are dilated, need I say more?

On a similar note, I want to get a job at an abortion clinic so when people ask me what I do, I can jokingly say "I kill babies" and they'll laugh...until they see the blood all over my hands. "The joke's on you, toots!"

This weekend was ridiculously badass. On Friday I went to see Hancock with Dan and then hung out at his house messing around in a map editor with Crysis for a while before coming back to my house and cleaning and attempting to do homework. Later, Nate and Jerry came over, followed by Ryan, Randy and some tall feller named Ian who is a douche because he likes Dane Cook. After we started drinking Hannah and Carla came over and we all conversed, drank and smoked. Ryan felt the need to make three posts on PBScene explaining that I "need a man to set me in the right direction". After we smoked and Ryan, Randy and douchebag left we chilled and watched The Comedians of Comedy DVD until everyone left and I passed out.

I wake up at 11am on Saturday to my cell phone going off on loud to confirm with Nate that we're still going to the beach. So I get ready and wait for Carla so we can go to Nate's house and take the long drive to Galveston where we notice immediately how out of our element we really are. On the way we saw maybe two black people...and then we pull into Popeyes and lo and behold; every single employee is a black woman who looks like they have yet to lose their baby fat and probably have committed murder on more than one account. While I'm there I decide to empty the bowels and while I'm peeing I hear someone trying to get in for a good 40sec. until they finally realize that the door is locked. I open the door when I'm done, only to see some 5 year old with a frustrated look on his face, stand between the wall and the door, look at him straight in the eyes and tell him in my most serious face and pissed off face to "CALM DOWN!!".

After finally finding a place to park, next to two bums who say they're from Indiana and want some of our food that we have yet to open, we set our shit up and eat and talk for a bit before we jump into the wonderful Galveston-section of the Gulf of Mexico; which is what you get if you cross murky water, Polio and Rock Salt, all into one brown mass of water. After swimming around and hitting each other with ridiculous amounts of seaweed (Do NOT smoke), we decide to go back to our area and build shit in the sand. Jerry made a Pokemon (Cloyster), Nate made a face and I made a TIE Interceptor...not to be confused with a THAI Interceptor. Then we did various things for the camera and left, only to pass the same bums in the exact same place we passed them by about five hours prior, this time asking for cigarettes. We ended up walking around Galveston which looks alot like New Orleans (Updated Version: Complete with Hurricane Damage and weird black people!!). Shortly after we saw a horse pee all over the fucking street we head on out and I get to my house at around 10:30.

Most people would turn in around this time but no, not this guy. I hit up Taylor and head on over to a party he's at and drink and talk with a bunch of people I didn't know and haven't seen since high school. Felt pretty damn good to see Taylor, Ashley, Matt and meet a bunch of other people who can't remember or pronounce my name. I definitely plan on hanging out with them more often now. Before I left though, Taylor, Ashley and I went to McDonalds and after Ashley orders a Happy Meal she orders something else and the guy asks if it's for a guy or a girl to which I assume is a sexist comment until she yells out "For a girl" and it hits me that he was talking about the Happy Meal. I was about to be like "What the fuck does it matter, you sexist dick?"...good thing she caught me. I definitely enjoyed getting back to the party and when Taylor gives his friend a single Apple Pie, his friend exclaims "I gave you seven dollars", all of which he gave me to pay for everyone else's food pretty much. This causes me to bust out laughing and after I regain my composure, explain what happened.

Now it's Sunday. I've been trying to do homework but this apathy and laziness is incredible. While I write this, I'm actually assessing the day I've had and am realizing what an incredibly African-American day I've experienced. Here's a quick rundown for clarification:
  1. Woke up aroud noon
  2. Had waffles for breakfast
  3. Masturbated and admired what a nice package I've got
  4. Finally took a shower
  5. Ate fried chicken
Uncanny isn't it? Almost makes me wonder sometimes...

Until next time, Joe Bless America...and Texas.

No comments: