Monday, June 9, 2008

Day 36

Someone get this slick bastard a beer!!

Line of the Week: I African-Americaned out -Zach Galifanakis on the night before

The glorious heat-induced compressed education we call summer school began this week for me and after attending both of my classes I had to look over my schedule again to see where I had checked the box labeled "Fat and ugly girls only". Luckily, my classes are interesting, so it's not entirely terrible.

My first class is Art Appreciation and my professor not only knows what he's talking about, but also is a full-time artist with his pieces all over Texas. Canvas Art being the most objective of all the arts, I think his stuff is quite impressive as far as time, dedication and originality are concerned. There's this ignorant cunt a couple rows in front of me hates everything and of course is fat, ugly and although the list of flaws goes on and on, much longer than any other person, I simply don't care enough to write it. There is, and this is one of my favorite parts of the class, a middle-aged woman who is obviously from the south, and apart from the mullet she wears, she talks like a black woman. I realize this is difficult to imagine, but believe me, it's true. What kind of art is my thing? These:

Twombly's portrait is great because not only is it one line moving from one corner to another, it also follows the way we see and/or read things, from the left to right and up to down. Patterson's is awesome because it's an oil painting based on something he's made, simply as a close-up. Varini's is crazy because it's actually an optical illusion as the yellow paint spans over hundreds of feet, creating three ellipses only visible from one viewpoint (Click the picture to see the article). Banksy's is simply intriguing for its originality, simplicity and boldness.

The second class is some sort of Intro to Speech course, which is obviously the easier one, and is taught by a fat woman from Arkansas that talks like a female smoker version of Eric Cartman. The class is extremely mellow and our first speech on Thursday was too easy. Why? Because we had to talk about ourselves for three minutes using three items that surrounded a central theme. My theme was full of arrogance with the first line being stolen partly from Eric Deikman "If you're like me, and I know I am, then the most important part of your life is, well, yourself." which went over flawlessly. My three items you ask? A pirated DVD to represent my love for illegal activities...and being a film buff, Meditations because I'm still practicing Stoicism more and more and my Voice Recorder because of both stand up comedy and because I like the sound of my own voice. The rest of the speeches were alright, which I assume will get better, but I'm not holding my are some of the highlights:
  • "(Baby's name) changed my life" - Oh man, I got to hear this one about 6 times, mostly from the 'ethnic' students, obviously. Of course it changed your life, it's impossible not to...well...unless you let me take care of it.
  • "Legally Blond: The Musical" - As if the movies weren't enough, someone had to get the fucking idea to adapt it into a fucking musical...the only thing worse is if Gigli were to have a sequel.
  • "Get your swole on" - This came from a girl who looks like my sister; so basically something like a fat chick who could hold her own against a dyke.
There are more, but they get worse and even more painfully obvious. All I can say is that this class is fun!

If you didn't come to the Laff Stop last Tuesday then you missed some badass comedy from the finals of Houston's Funniest Person Contest. Chase Durrousseau on a well deserved First Place with John Gard and Ryan Thauburn rounding out 2nd and 3rd respectively. Everyone's sets were great and you can read some of the comics' blogs here:

I thinkg it was Wednesday that me, Nate and Jerry were driving when we saw the first most amazing thing we had ever seen in a mildly ghetto part of Houston: A black guy on a Segway... This wasn't no regular or sophisticated black guy neither, this guy was a thug all the way with clothes way too large for him and a bag of groceries or something on the handles. Here's an artist's sketch after the incident:

If you're having a dry spell sexually, does it reset if you get raped? Or does it only count if it's consensual?

After watching Don't Mess with the Zohan on Friday with Nate and Jerry, we went to Burger King where we found the second most amazing thing that week: An orange Element with a Mac and Dave Mathews Band sticker. As if an Orange car didn't scream 'douchopotamus' already, the twat had the nerve to throw on a Mac AND a DMB sticker on there. Well how fucking trendy are we? I guess I now know who to go to if I quickly need a pop culture reference for the gay community. Even deaf people know not to listen to DMB...Jesus...

For 35% of Saturday I had a sledgehammer in my hand and was 'remodeling' a house my dad recently bought. Another 30% had me with a Crowbar totally Gordon Freeman-ing it and the rest of the day I ate steaks and drank animal blood. Needless to say I texted all my friends the same question: I have a 25lb sledgehammer in my hands right now, what's the manliest thing you've done today?

Sunday I went tubing with Nate, Steph, Juan, Peter and Jerry at San Marcos. We listened to XM Comedy on the way up while making fun of a cunt who bitches because she didn't orgasm which I proposed the guy should shit on her face and leave courteously. Tubing was relaxing as hell, I went from the palest Mexican to the darkest White; and it only took 4 hours in the sun!

I'm going to see Ryan Stout at the Laff Stop this week. I've been wanting to check him out live ever since I heard him on XM Comedy a couple months ago. As for as cinema goes, no good movies are coming out until next week (Get Smart) and then Wanted and WALL-E after that. all three will be good movies in their respective genres, I have no doubt about that, I just don't know how much of Steve Carrell's forced pain sounds I can take...and don't even get me started on Angelina Jolie; she's annoyed me in almost every single movie she's been in with the exception being Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I really don't see why people give her roles as an action star, she's boring and has the most obnoxious and disconnecting face when she has a gun in her hand...she needs to just sit down, look pretty and take care of all those Asian kids she keeps buying.

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