Sunday, June 1, 2008

Day 35

I'm sick of these motherfuckin' goats always skateboarding all over my motherfuckin' sidewalk!!

Line of the Week: Are colored people allowed to drive? -Dan Schlain

Indiana Jones was one of the best worst movies I've seen in a while...and I've seen at least ten different movies in the last two weeks, so I would know. Aliens are the cause of the whole film. I'll get to that in a sec, I just wanted to ruin the ending for anyone who hasn't seen it. Back to the film; talk about CGI heavy. There were more visual effects in this movie than 300...and that movie didn't even have a set OR a plot. The movie was decent with a bunch of ridiculous parts akin to the Indiana Jones series with some scenes so far-fetched even the kids were like "Really guys? Monkeys attacking Russians? That was almost as absurd as Bratz..."

I digress, the movie wasn't that bad and the fight sequences were pretty cool. Oh, and Cate Blanchette with a Russian accent kept my penis pointing at the screen every few minutes or so, now if only she can get a rack bigger than those little A-cups. That isn't to say, however, that it was perfect; when we first hear her accent it's so strong I had no fucking clue what she was saying, but by the end of of the movie she could practically be considered a Texan. I was like what the fuck?!

I recently started reading Girls With Slingshots and the writing is some of the best I've seen since 8-Bit Theater. Click on the banner to check it out:

I watched Rambo II the other day and realized that we have no more action heroes anymore! When I was a kid we had the best action movies with ruthless and over-the-top action sequences that made you think, I wanna kill Vietnamese, German and Russian people for a living. We had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone. Now what do we have? Josh Hartnett? Badass in the action movies he's been in, but does romantic bullshit on the go. Clive Owen? Kinda, mostly because of Sin City and Shoot 'Em Up. Keanu Reeves can't act, and although he's getting better with films like Street Kings and shit he's too skinny to be an action hero. Samuel L. Jackson is kinda getting there because he's been a badass since the 90s, but he's just not big enough and usually requires a weapon to do any damage. The Rock is the only logical choice because he could honestly rip Brad Pitt into pieces, and although people might tell me he fails because he's done kids movies, I'd have to remind you that Kindergarten Cop is hilarious and absurd, but at least The Rock played a football player in his last one. So that's it? In the last 10 years, the only action hero we have is a retired wrestler? We've gotta do better than that.

Thursday I got home just in time to catch Last Comic Standing LA and Houston. LA I kinda knew a few of the comics, my favorites being Jackie Kashian and the Star Wars nerd. When Houston rolled around I was getting text messages and IMs from friends...come if I've miss a chance to watch a Houston comic get some TV time. Danny Rios got some pretty good air time and was interviewed at work and I gotta say that every time I look at the guy I can't stop thinking of necrophelia.

Paul Varghese was hilarious and I was honestly expecting him to move on. John! In the end Bob made it, not surprisingly, so hopefully we'll get to see some more of him later on. I saw Theo, Ryan T. and Reverend Bart in some random clips which was cool but didn't really make me laugh. Well maybe just Ryan and only because he's hilarious but was only shown eating barbecue...NBC totally underestimated his camera-time potentiality.

This is why Wii Fit should be at the top of the to-buy list of every boyfriend in the world.

I went to Austin with Nate, Linh Thy and Cathy Friday afternoon(came back Saturday afternoon) and had a blast. On Friday I had to go pick up Nate's friend and girlfriend, Linh Thy and Cathy. Nate drove while we all ate the delicious food he made us and whatnot. Thy, as she was called, had A.D.D. , which was apparent almost immediately, however this also caused her pass out fairly quickly and early on during the drive, so all was well. The drive was alright, aside from the random Miley Cyrus tracks that were blasted on the radio(much to the girls' joy) and the weirdest scenic overview that had security cameras in case we decided to rip a tree off the ground and steal it.

The party had a real nice vibe with just the right amount of people to get some good conversations going. If there's too many I get lost in groups of people I don't know and then get alienated when I don't put on my nice face and pretend like I care who cheated on who(Unless she's here because I'm a good listener when I have no clothes on) and I have to compete for the alcohol. If there's too few people I have to talk to the same ones over and over again while they repeat the story on how one time their dog walked in on them while they were in the bathroom and even though nothing happened it scared them.

A few people told me they had seen my stand up video which caused us to have a good talk about comedy and whatnot, educating them of the failures of Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. Later, I sat down drinking while Transformers played on the TV and chatted it up with the other hispanic people there and found out they knew ITESM and shit. Then the beer pong started and I simply took my usual post next to the table as commentator and threw out random racial slurs in hopes of messing up the other team (nigganigganigganigganigga kike chink! Repeat as necessary). Then I went up and although we initially did alright, Carlos and Sarah were on fire and ended beating us with two cups left. Later we played flip cup a couple times with my team, Slytherine(I voted to be called Voldemort, pussies), and were beat both times with two people left. Then, out of fucking nowhere, I find a shitload of the most delicious chicken nuggets I've ever had in my life in Andy's kitchen. I immediately start shoving as many as I can in my mouth until I start choking on chicken due to the lack of saliva, and drink beer in between to act as a lubricant so I can shove some more down my throat. I know I had at least one, possibly two, that I didn't end up chewing before they hit my stomach.

The next morning my stomach was still full of beer and any chicken nuggets I inhaled, becauce chewing is for dykes and Jews. After a much needed shower we threw everything in the car, finally got some food at this damn delicious barbecue place called Rudy's and headed out. I ended up reading almost non-stop for the 2-hour ride back and then had to drive another 40min. home because of I-10 detours and other bullshit.

Oh, the new Resident Evil 5 trailer came out on Saturday as well:

I played some Pictionary that Saturday night at my aunt's house and was in charge of writing down nouns for the players to draw. Here are some of my favorites and the ones I wrote up just to see what someone would do after they read it:
  • Slave
  • Pictionary
  • Colorado (The state)
  • A guy who may or may not be completely gay
  • Nintendo Wii
  • Connect Four
  • Avacado
Colorado was the best due to its shape, Pictionary was never guessed because my cousin got it and apparently decided to draw squares with fruits and rainbows inside If you play Pictionary any time soon, feel free to use those ideas, even though most are for the enjoyment of the person who knows what they are beforehand.

Oh, and I have summer school starting tomorrow(Art Appreciation and Intro to Speech) so I guess I'll be making fun of various classmates and their obvious flaws for the next few entries, if I don't write up a new article or rant.

I'll leave with with another quote by Voltaire, "Anything to stupid to be spoken is sung."

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