Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Day 33

Liquid life...

Line of the Week: I wake up in tents all the time -Wladimir Klitschko on sex before a fight.

Monterrey 4-Day Summer Trip!

Day One:
First of all, aside from the great text conversation in the beginning, the bus ride was fucking terrible, I sat next to the air conditioner which was set to "Freeze all genitals to Absolute Zero" and had the pleasure of having an old asshole fill the seat in front of me. Why was he an asshole? Whenever I would turn the light on to read (Granted it was 2am, but still) he would almost purposefully move to the side I was reading and lean back, and after a few minutes, if I didn't "get it" he would turn the light off while snoring...fuck you, you piece of shit wetback.

A movie starts playing (The Great Raid) and as soon as it ends we arrive at the gas station to make a standard stop. You know those gas stations you see in really cheap horror movies where you know a good amount of people are going to die? Add a Burger King and a shitload of shiny cheap metal to that image and you've got the gas station we stopped at. It even came completely with a guy grocery shopping at 3am...WITH A MULLET!! You gotta love Texas.

Some hours later we finally arrive at the border and have to get off in a single-file line because Mexico doesn't believe in two lines, it's against the law to be that efficient and have people coming in have an initial pleasant experience. As a guard with kevlar starts randomly searching luggage, I notice he's pulling mine out and start giggling, much to the awkwardness of the girl and guy behind me. The girl is about my age and pretty fuckable, while the guy is old enought to call 'dad' or 'fatty'. I explain to them that it took me 10min. to close the damn suitcase with a pillow and blanket in it and smiled as we all stood there watching him trying to get it done while holding a flashlight...eventually he put the flashlight (Or 'torch' for my UK readers) down and used both hands and his knee to close it. Immediately after, Fatty starts hitting Fuckable, asking her if she came alone, how old she is, if she can lubricate a 40yr. old penis with her pussy juice (That last one may be slightly altered). Then we get in the bus and again, he starts laying down his pathetic Fatty Mack on her, making for an awkward silence, filled only by the stench of slight pedophilia in the air.

I'm finally able to get a nap in and some seven or so hours later arrive to the bus stop where I take a taxi to my apartment, take a shower and do a bunch of boring obligations for the rest of the day while being atrociously exhausted.

Oh wait, I forgot I also went out to a bar then a club and drank until my vision was impaired and anything with a vagina looked enticing. After having tried every Mexican beer, although I've tried them all before this is the first time I've tried them all in one night, I came to some much needed conclusions about some of them. Indio is obviously the best with Dos Equis in close second, but you've gotta stay away from that Tecate Light shit unless that's all your gonna be drinking for the night.

The Red Bull offices look pretty cool. Probably aesthetically obnoxious after a while but it's a nice amount of eye candy in short bursts. Really digging the built in slide.

Day Two:
I woke up still mildly buzzed from the leftover alcohol in my system and attempted to figure out why I chose to sleep with my clothes on. After almost throwing up due to the disgusting taste in my mouth that was something like warm and rotting beer, I took a shower and got some Chinese food with a friend...fucking delicious (the food). In case you're wondering, yes, I've been in Mexico for over 24 hours and have yet to even touch a tortilla.

If you haven't seen the season finale of The Office, do so now. It is amazing...man, after watching it I really wanted to be a writer on that show, or a least sit in on a writing session.

Real-life Iron Man you say? Blasphemy!

Didn't do anything else except write a bunch of jokes, talk with some friends and finally had a big Campechana for dinner, which was also delicious.

Day Three:
I'm not really sure, I'm almost 40% positive, that I woke up at some point...but don't quote me on that. After the alleged awakening you know what I did? Had some mo' tacos. Later, I went to 7-11 to get myself a deliciously refreshing Classic Coke [Insert mildly-sexual smile here]. As I was paying, I casually turned my head towards the door and saw a 6, but potential 7.5, walking in. Normally, as I could tell she was a tad bit insecure and had extremely large natural breasts, I would hit on her, but there was a small problem. Aside from the fact that her face told me she wasn't a day over 23, her huge feminist bra-hating sagging tits told me she could have been 60. Seriously. Not that I didn't love the incredibly low cut shirt, but it looked less like she had to large delicious mammary glands, and more like she was having two babies who couldn't get along and live under one dome.

Then me and two roommates watched Season 1, Episodes 1-5 of House, saw me practice a little French with the French beb, went to eat and then watched House episodes again. Afterwards, we got some alcohol at around 3:30am, went to a chick's house and drank until 5am, when we left and came back to the apartment where, again, we watched House episodes again.

I want to see the cancer that's been taken out of someone...like, have someone plop that sucker on a table and give me a magnifying glad and stick to poke it with.

Although most people who rate and/or critique movies are pretentious douchebags who are wrong and love their extreme bias, I've gotta say that I agree with every one of TVWP's verdicts about which movies with rock or suck this summer.

Day Four:
Sunday! Sunday!! Sunday!!! For breakfast I ordered myself a fucking mouth-watering pizza from RedSpot and got myself a ticket back to Houston. Did the whole dinner thing and whatnot. Then I chilled at the apartment,waiting in anticipation to leave and sleep on a bus with 40 other Mexicans...and I don't mean that sexually.

At first I figured I'd read Meditations for a while or see how long I can keep an erection without any physical aid. However, I was sat next to a non-spanish speaking woman with her two infants...which means I didn't get any sleep. I mean, she would actually wake me up to ask me where the fuck we were. I'M IN THE BUS TOO, how the hell should I know? Then, when her baby started crying she would hit it on the ass to make it stop...what the hell? Worst. Parent. Ever.

The fun really started as soon as we crossed the border. When we get to the US, we have to go through immigration, forcing us to get off the bus, present our documents/passport and pass our luggage through an X-Ray machine. I got off the bus wearing jeans, t-shirt, hoodie, flip-flops and socks. That's right, I was pulling off the flip-flops/socks combo. How more American can I get with that fashion iconography? Granted, it would've been better if I had used black dress socks and khaki cargo shorts, but I didn't have those available at the time. I wore this as a precaution; in case immigration thought my passport was fake I could just point at my feet and tell them what's up:

Immigration: Sorry sir, but I can't let you pass with this passport.
Me: What? But that's me, honest broham.
I: Don't call me that.
Me: Sorry.
I: This passport is obviously fake. I have no proof you're American, I'm sorry but I have to send you back to Laredo.
Me: Wait!
I: What?
Me: Look ::Point to feet::
I: Hmm...flip-flops and socks...I don't know. It's still kinda sketchy.
Me: Oh really? I'm not American? Come one man, check out the kicks.
I: I did, I'm just sayi-
Me: No man...I mean REALLY check them out. I'm a tuxedo hat and Livestrong bracelet away from becoming a US Senator.
I: This is true...alright, you can go.

Then I finally arrived home (Thanks to that Alam kid for picking me up), wrote this, published it, and crashed after being awake for the past 40 hours.

Fuck buses and babies.

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