Thursday, May 8, 2008

Day 31

Fucking Americans and their illegal rape...

Line of the Week: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos. -Ari Gold on Entourage

Ollie Lang Clinic was quite an enjoyable experience. It was great hanging out with him, and when I say 'hanging out' I really mean taking pictures of him when he's not looking. After Saturday I went to Nate's house and after I washed all the sweat off my balls we went to Adam from Grudge's house in Clear Lake about an hour away, ate some crayfish and played some GTA IV (which is badass). After that we met Chinaman up at Fry's, only to find out he was with some friends who are idiotic enough to bring a fucking 9-year old kid with them...which means unless we wanted to go the McDonalds Playplace, we could do shit with that dead-weight around.

I offered to perform a "Late Abortion" but the bastards wouldn't let me, so we drove back to Nate's house while complaining about gas prices and chilled before we crashed. Seriously though, who brings a kid to hang out with college kids? I'm pretty sure abortion was invented by college kids. What a schmuck.

The next day I went back all the way to Twisted did the photography thing, getting shot three times total and dragged my tired-ass home, accumulating the total miles driven in two days to about 150+ miles. Ass-numbing? Yes. Relaxing? Fuck yes.

In case you haven't checked my MySpace or Facebook, I made it to the Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Competition. I'm so fucking excited about it since I'm one of, if not, the youngest and newest comedian to have a chance to make it to the Semi Finals. I'll most likely be doing a new set that will slowly start transitioning me away from racial humor and will definitely be hilarious enough to get me in the next round.

Come support me, here's the details:
What: Wild Card Round of Houston's Funniest Person Contest!!
When: Tuesday, May 13th at 8pm.
Where: Laff Stop
Alternatively, take 610 to I-10 East, take a right on Westcott, Left on Memorial, right on Waugh and it's the very first building on the right. Second floor, you can't miss it.
How much: Ridiculously cheap price to see 12 great comics perform - $5.
Why: I want to prove, mostly to myself, that although I lack the experience right now, I will soon be a damn good comedian with solid non-hack/Dane Cook/Carlos Mencia material.

I wasn't going to post this since the moment I found out they were making a Speed Racer movie completely in CGI almost made me want to bathe in bleach, but damn me was I wrong. The W. Bros uploaded the first 7min. of Speed Racer (Came out today) and I've gotta say, it looks really damn good:

I agreed to have lunch with my parents a couple days ago and man, was the joke was on me this time. I get into my dad's truck and there in the front seat is the old lady they've been taking care of because she's selling us her property. This is a problem because if you can't tell by my misanthropic and anti-humanity related rants and off-the-cuff remarks, I'm not a big fan of the oldies. I mean, I'm fine with like that 102 year old lady from England who can still walk, dress herself and even drink, but it's the 80-somethings that can't walk that annoy me.

First of all, they're the ones that smell like death just farted on them while he was waiting for them to die. Secondly, who wants to live that long? What do you do when you can't walk alone, can't cook and have your license taken away? DIE, exactly, which is what those old people need to concentrate on doing, not talking about their kids who are very much alive and that I don't care about. So she starts talking about how much her first kid weighed even though no one asked her about it and went on to ramble about how much she can remember and blah blah blah.

We finally get to the restaurant, Luby's, and I find out that she's not only really old, weak and needs help walking...she's also LEGALLY FUCKING BLIND! I'm down with deaf people, I can tolerate mute people and I can kinda deal with Italians on a good day...but blind people?! That's too much. In a sense of irony it seemed, Luby's put up those bank-line ropes, which means we had to zig-zag her to the buffet. This also meant we had to put up with her complaining "Why are we going this way, didn't we just come from there?"...and I wish it was over here, but it wasn't...sigh...

Luckily, the only part that was left was to eat, so I gobble up my food for the sake of being able to use the word 'gobble' outside of November, but simultaneously and subtly watched her eat (Or try to). She couldn't even eat right! She'd get like one small piece of food and when it reached the halfway point from her plate to her mouth (What Zeno would call M1), her mouth would open and sart shaking fucking annoying and's almost appalling how inconsiderate people are in public these days.

That idiot Carlos Mencia has a new special out called Performance Enhanced where he decided to to wear his boyfriend's gayest shirt possible. This shirt looks like it was made out of sodomy and Satan's anal leakage. I mean, aside from fucking The Devil anally, how else did he get his TV show? I have to say though, I'm jealous of one thing Mencia has...and that's his specials. The talentless thieving hack has had at least three specials in the last decade, beating Lewis Black, a comic with talent.

Pathetic...if he REALLY wants to be "badboy" of comedy in regards to racial humor, while still hitting hard with some good shock value, he needs to try some stuff like this:
  • I like my slaves like I like my coffee, Black.
  • I like my like my terrorists how I like my coffee, Brown.
  • I like my women how I like my rice, Yellow.
  • and I also like my women how I like my teenagers...experiencing puberty.
and I've gotta say that I've thought it through and I'm 100% sure that there is no better way to end this entry than with the pedophile remark above. So come see my show, Mencia's a douche, pedophilia is in and I'm spent...

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