Monday, February 23, 2009

Day 62

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Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Tina Fey on 30 Rock


Let me begin by confirming that it is in fact my 21st birthday today. Being 21 means I can do all the shit I've been doing since middle school...except in public now...minus the masturbation.

While in my intriguing Biology class the other day, and on the one day I arrive late and have to sit next to some tall weird foreign kid, the blond girl next to me did an extraordinary thing. She managed to make the entire class think "What the fuck?" so hard you could feel it. As our professor was rambling on about nucleotides and proteins and whatnot, she interjects and says the following:
"This is kinda random, but I heard on the radio that Green Tea can prevent AIDS. Is that true?"
I actually choked on my water for a second before I realized that it was not a hallucination. This is America's future...maybe suicide isn't such a big sin after all...

I recently had a multicultural dinner, I ate Japanese food being cooked by a black person with white people who were talking about where to get the best Chinese food...which means I couldn't make ANY racist comments about anyone. Hell, there was a gay too, and he wasn't having any Milk jokes, so I just sat silently and made fun of the people with the ugly baby behind us...justice is served? No, but my Teryaki chicken was delicious.

I think people really need to stop using the word trifecta so much, it's retarded, overused and not funny...yeah, you thought I was gonna use it too, didn't you? If you did, you probably used it today and thought it sounded nice.

Like most of you peoples noes, I work at Studio Movie Grill, where we have food and shit. I'm the box office guy so I know what's selling and what isn't. That said, the only movie we got last weekend was Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. How his movie makes more money than The Reader I'll never know...oh wait, because people are collectively retarded.

One thing I noticed was that we sold out all showings of Madea goes to Jail except the 4:30 showing and it took me a second to realize why, but then I remembered that the shifts at KFC and McDonalds don't end until. Also, I've recently completed this data:

Paul Blart : White Families
Madea Goes to Jail : Black Families
Meet the Spartans : Groups of Teenagers
The Jonas Brothers in 3D : Groups of Kids
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Conclusion - Anyone in a group with more than 3 people can be considered a full-retard, to the point that genocide is acceptable.

A friend of mine recently used the simile: Snore like a whale, and it got me thinking my usual thought-process which I will reveal only because it's my b-day:
Snores like a whale? whale's live underwater. water has no air. air is needed for sound to travel. you can't hear underwater. you can't be raped underwater because no one could hear you say no. How do water-dwelling animals make sound then? How does it go anywhere? Dory being able to talk whale was so bullshit. Finding Nemo was overrated, The Incredibles was better. Pixar's pretty badass. Cars was boring though. It almost put me to sleep. Do whales even snore?

My aunt needed me to take her to the doctor's office last week and I had to stop at the same intersection on the way back as I did on the way not back. The first time I had to shoo away some short Mexican guy because I didn't have any money...to waste...on him. Then, on the way back, he comes up to me again and calls me "bro" and asks if I had any money now. I let him know immediately that I didn't have any goddamn money to give to the Cholo Charity Fund and that if I did, I'd rather show it to him, get a Chocolate Overload Cake from Jack-In-The-Box and eat it in front of him. Granted, I was drinking out of my water bottle while I said it so he probably just heard "Nope, haha, no money this time, sorry!", but I think he got the message.

Due to the fucking insane movies I've been watching lately, I've been thinking a bit about death and I've decided that I want my ashes to be sprinkled in the margaritas of Studio Movie Grill so all the MILFs and divorcees can have me inside of them.

Sometimes I feel like I should meet up with all my readers and see what they're like. Then I check my traffic meter and see that people get to my site by searching this. Yeah, let's keep this relationship just like this...forever...please.

The Oscars happened and aside from some awesome disses towards the the financial miss of The Reader and Ben Stiller impersonating insane Joaquin Pheonix, they were pretty boring. A few sidenotes:
  • Alan Arkin...you say Seymour Philip Hoffman one more goddamn time and I'll take your undeserved Oscar from your wrinkly old fingers, you hear me?
  • Jessica Biel and Tilda Swinton: What. The Fuck?
  • Jack Black, tonight marks the first time you've actually made me laugh out loud.
  • Fuck you, AMPAS!
That's it for me this time around, wish me a happy birthday, although it doesn't matter because I'm always happy regardless, and I'll leave you with these:






2 comments:

Cameron said...

Hahaha. I could be a rapist.
http://www.legorobotcomics.com/?id=39
These are the kind of people that read your blog. You must be proud.

topikamew said...

haha came to your site for the first time, you've got some funny posts. (came from LICD)

one thing, sound travels thru mediums such as air or water, just a bit slower in water. you should have learned that in your physics class.

btw we're the same age, happy ultra belated bday.