Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day 41

Like I REALLY need to add anything to this...

Line of the week: My favorite website in the entire world: FistShoving.net -Bob Stencil

Lately I've been dreading updating The Greater Truth because for a couple months I was in a writing rut and could only think of philosophical stuff, trying to find a path for my future and blah blah blah. Now I'm back and it feels great, ever since I wrote my last entry that began as three paragraphs and ended up being something along the lines of almost four pages of (parallel synchronized) randonmess, I've felt like a new man. Now I have a bunch more random news and thoughts to spew onto the internetz and whatnot. So strap on your seat belts because it's going to be an awkwardly educational and intrusive ride (Like the Patriot Act)...and if you don't have a seat belt, well good, because why would you buy an office chair with a seat belt?

Let's kick things off with some domestic violence, eh? Christian Bale was recently arrested for beating his mother and sister into a pulp (More accurately, pulps) last week. The actual charge was for assault, but it was in London, and assault over there is if you yell louder than small cough...

Here's an eyewitness' photograph of Bale assaulting his mother:

It was raining all day Thursday and I was bored, so I sat down and started to brainstorm something I could do, when it hit me: Soap. This product in mind, I grabbed a bottle of dish soap or whatever its formal name is, and poured it into a squirt bottle from my laundry. I then went to a parking lot near my house and waited for a bit for the rain to die down. Luckily, being in Houston and all, it only took a couple minutes.

I get out of my car and kind of speed walk (It was still sprinkling and I was wearing flip-flops) with the squirt bottle and start walking in front of all the cars like I'm going to a store nearby and spray the windows with the soap. At this point, you're probably asking me why I'm doing such a thing, to which I'd be happy to answer.

You see, dish soap is ridiculously concentrated; it only takes a palm size to wash an entire load of dishes. Because I sprayed almost twice that amount on the window of the car while it's raining, it makes the soap spread around the wipers and glass. By the time someone gets into their car and turns their wipers on, not only will massive amounts of soap bubbles begin to form, but because I poured so much, they will keep multiplying with every wipe.

I only stuck around long enough to see a few cars get affected, (It started to rain heavier and a lot of the soap was washed off the others) but when it happened it was hilarious, people started their windshield wipers and a few seconds later were treated to a ridiculous amount of bubbles all over the place. Imagine a windshield full of glue, then imagine that someone threw a box of popcorn on it...but with bubbles. That shit will NOT just fall off, it's great.

Word on the interweb is that at least one funny and/or positive thing came out of the terrible anal-raping that was Indiana Jones 4; Nuking the Fridge. Instead of Jumping the Shark or Jumping the Couch, it is now Nuking the Fridge. They even have their own website.

I was watching a trailer for a movie and shoved in the middle of it, the following words popped up:

"...laugh out loud funny." -Variety

Now this got me thinking, you see, when you don't use a whole statement from a source, you simply add the ellipses in replacement of the words you didn't use. That in mind, what if this was the complete sentence from the quote:

"This movie sucks the balls off a dead Chinese man who was raped by a goat infected by herpes, should never be seen and is the exact opposite of laugh out loud funny." -Variety

You see how this creates a problem? According to MLA and the citation powers that be, there's nothing wrong with that...oh yeah, except ALL THE LIES!! What kind of a world do we live in where we can't even trust marketing people? This isn't the America the founding fathers dreamed of...then again, George Washington had a hemp farm, so he was probably high at the time.

If you've ever wanted to watch a movie similar to other movies you've watched and liked, but couldn't think of one, then this is for you.

Friday had me going out with Nate, Carla, Steph, Peter and his girlfriend to Cafe 101, some Asian food place on Bellaire and the Beltway. The menu was so damn long I started asking to see if they had a Spark Notes version for me, because I didn't have time to look at all 60 kinds of rice they offered. I ended up asking for a typical Chinese restaurant dish, Sesame Chicken. The waiter said no because THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT. In disbelief I asked him if they could just make it, and still the answer was no. I asked, instead, for some Chicken Friend Rice...WHICH THEY DIDN'T HAVE. What kind of Asian restaurant is this?! Giving him the I-REALLY-want-some-Chicken-Fried-Rice-look, the waiter and I comprimised with me getting my Chicken Fried Rice, but paying for Pork Fried Rice, which was like eight dollars. Not too shabby for a decent meal.

Afterwords, instead of going to Jojo's house like I thought we were, we ended up going to Taco Milagro. Just by the name I know you can tell what race of people hang out there...which would've been cool, except for the little fact that I don't find Hispanic chicks even remotely attractive (Except for Martha Higareda). If it would've been called something like Kung Pao Milagro or Pommes Frites Miracle I would've been fucking siked, but alas, this was not the case. Oh, and since I'm not 21 I got to sit there with a few other people with Xs on the back of their hands. In case you're not following, I'm sitting in a clusterfuck of boring Mexican chicks with two red Xs on the back of my hand, waiting to go somewhere I can drink a beer or something. We eventually made it to Jojo's house just in time to watch American's Best Dance Crew where some kinda interesting stuff happened and eventually left to go to my house.

With Hancock reaching almost $200 million for such a horrible excuse for the movie, I need to set the record straight about this film. This isn't going to be a review simply something to let everyone know why this movie shouldn't be earning this much amount of money....you ready? Here it goes: THE FILM SUCKS.

It had a SHITLOAD of potential, it could have broken most of the exact same records as The Dark Knight. Don't believe me? You don't have to...however, how about a guy who actually read the original script? That was when it was still called Tonight, He Comes. You can check it out here, it will blow your fucking mind.

I'll summarize it here (Although keep in mind I'm summarizing a summary), taking a lot from the link above via Film School Rejects. Let me begin by saying that Tonight, He Comes would NOT have been a huge blockbuster comedy film. Nor would it have been an action film, it would've been an intense and horrendous drama with some dark comedy that would have left you breathless...and this is just on paper. The guy is still called Hancock, but he's an angry, sex-addicted asshole. He swears, smokes, shits, masturbates, watches porn and fucks hookers...and all that before he starts killing police officers and tries to rape a woman. He also still has the powers we saw and believes he has to use them for good, which he supports by repeating the phrase "I gotta do what I gotta do".

Enter the innocent little family, the Longfellows, with Horus the flaccis father, Mary the strong and sweet mother, and Aaron their son who gets picked on a lot. Horus and his son are basically both weak pansies who simply turn the other cheek all the time are beat down by every part of life. Hancock comes into their lives when he stops a robbery where Mary was a hostage, and later follows her home and listens to her singing to Aaron. He tries to win her over by helping Aaron with bullies and soon start to get together away from the family;Mary completley oblivious to Hancock's intentions. He even does something sweet, he flies up and bring down a piece of a cloud for her to touch, only for it to dissipitate into moisture just as she grabs it.

Seeing that Mary is amazed, Hancock tries to get intimate and she draws a clear line, rejecting him. Furious at this, he decides to take care of it on his terms, taking her away as Aaron tries to save helplessly saves her. Then, Horus thinking Mary left him, feels a rage inside him he's never felt before and, after defeating robbers at his work, sees a news report that Hancock and Mary are at a textile factory; the location of the film's climax. Horus learns what happens from his son and heads to the factory.

Hancock leaves Mary stranded and flies down to fight the police, whom he tears limb from limb, tossing cars and helicopters like they were toys and singlehandedly getting rid of almost the entire city's police force. He then goes to Mary for his post-battle carnal reward, but is interrupted by Horus, who now faces certain death. Before Hancock can kill Horus though, the factory collapses and both men stop fighting. Horus rushes to save Mary, buried somewhere in the rubble and Hancock drops to his knees, roars, and cries. The rest of the script is missing, save the last couple pages that show the family together again.

Hancock could've been the best and most insane film of 2008 with the lead character matching, and maybe even exceeding, that of Ledger's Joker. Instead they went for some cookie cutter family piece of shit. Like FSR, here's an excerpt from the script where it has Hancock masturbate:

“Hancock drops his pants… latches on to his magnanimous member… our superhero stands, bent over a bit, yanking up a storm. His body convulses under said stimulation. He GROWLS… and BOOM, we hear a baby explosion… Debris everywhere, in shambles. Smoke. And in the ceiling, a gaping hole, seething still from the launch.”

Fucking crazy, huh? This definitely wouldn't have been a Will Smith film. Oh, and if you watch Hancock online, watch for any scene where it shows his trailer, there's holes in the ceiling...and now you know why.

No comments: