Day 73

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Lines of The Weeks: "What's black? Is black better than gold?" "Yeah. Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets, black involves three of them sucking your dick" -Sports agent from Eastbound & Down

There was a better kid's party up the street!! -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

Remixing Daft Punk is like writing fan fiction of The Bible. It’s risky business. -Some music blog


I went to Jack in the box the other day and decided to try something new and ended up having a horrible experience, you know that time once a year when just everything is wrong? The fries are bland, the coke is low on syrup, they only give you one napkin...what the fuck am I gonna do with the one napkin that's always in the middle of the bag that's soaked with grease? Nothing, you have to throw that shit away. Anyways, I ended up trying their chicken strips because I love the ones from Whataburger so I figured I'd give Jack and try. You wanna know what they give you with your chicken strips at Whataburger? Gravy! You wanna know what they give you at Jack in the box? Buttermilk homemade sauce or some shit. Buttermilk? This isn't fucking iHop, I want my goddamn gravy, Mr. Box.

You know what the worst part is, now you have to spend even MORE money later! Because if you're like me, and I'm sure ya'll are, if you have a shitty experience at a fast food place, you have to go back later to get that nasty shit out of your system. You know right off the back to, you try a little bit of everything and then you just look at the bag depressingly..."Well fuck, I wanted to eat with my family tonight but apparently I'm going to Jack in the Box again later..." Damn it.

A bird power-walked out of my way when I was on my way to my car the other day...no real joke here, well, aside from a power-walking bird that doesn't want to get in anyone's way.

When I was waiting in line to get into Best Buy for African-American Friday, a shopping cart caught on fire. I figured it was your regular run-of-the-mill shopping cart fire but everyone started freaking out and 4 different cops came. Usually it's the same 4 cops, but they really switched it up this time. That was the most eventful part of waiting in line to get some Blurays and you know what? It was worth it because I stopped by Half-Price Books afterwards and got myself $80 worth of books and movies as my friend and chauffeur was asked if he was at least 16...and he's actually 19. It was adorable how angry he got.

You can't say "no" to rape jokes...they won't let you. In fact, they won't leave you alone until they're done...making you laugh.

Avatar came out December 18th, so me and 3 other friends waited in line at our nearest IMAX 3D theater at 6pm on the 17th to watch it at midnight. There was us, then some black people, two fat guys, some older folks and then a bunch of nerds who brought Risk or some sort of game that probably delt with both troops and mana. Oh, and there was also some big guy with a sweater-vest, and let me assure you that there's NOTHING funny about that.

So Brittany Murphy Died. Her 43 fans had a memorial a week ago I think, but I'm not sure, the newspaper article was written at the last second in pencil and I couldn't read it all that well. After I found out, I posted on this on Twitter: Of all the celebrities, Brittany Murphy is the one to die? Why not Kristin Kreuk or Jennifer Lopez?! Damn it, maybe next time...

First of all, I didn't know Kristin Kreuk had so many fans, I guess it's true that retarded people tend to congregate. Secondly, people make no sense. Does anyone really care that someone, who has never done a movie that's really THAT funny or even THAT good in their life, died? Not me. Get the fuck over it. God forbid another talentless and forgettable celebrity dies at a young age because of drugs or other responsibility issues.

I know you've been waiting, and here's a new term to add to my word list:
Snooked - This is a great word to use when you suddenly get screwed over or something shitty/unpleasant happens to you without warning. "Oh shit! That guy just got fucking SNOOKED!"

A girl was wasted at a party a couple weeks ago and at around 3:30am decided to pull out her phone and exclaim "Oh man, it is not a good idea to talk to your dad when you're feeling not great!" She's not too smart or good looking but whatever, this is free entertainment mofos! Anyways, she got a drunken dicking later and I'm pretty sure that fixed her up real good-like.

My manager at work was talking about how awesome it would be to be back in the days of robin hood after seeing the the trailer for Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. I took this a serious statement and immediately agreed and said "Oh man, and not just for the pillaging and raping!" This made all my male coworkers turn around and join in on the conversation, eventually ending at this monologue:

"What're you talking about? If you're going to pillage and shit, you might as well rape women too. It's not like burning someone's house down when they own enough things to buy them all at the speedy checkout at H-E-B is going to do any real damage to them, you might as well just throw paint on their fur coats and giggle. If you're going to create a fear that will allow you easier conquest, you follow the rule of Keyser Soze and hold nothing back. I mean, you job is to basically make their life shit as fast as possible while getting the most out of it for you, so take some pride in that shit and get it done RIGHT.
Say you burn down their house and they get it all back from the insurance because they had Pillage-Proofed their home, and then a few weeks later, they get raped. When they describe to people how the worst day of their life went, they're probably going to go with the physically and emotionally non consensual pain instead of their temporary demotion from a homeowner.
If you want to really fuck them over, you need to literally fuck them. If you're already burning down their life, you might as well rape them and give them the worst experience they could ever imagine. Think about it, later in the future, they'll probably even be stronger people because of it! You don't want to be known for being the guy who burned and pillaged the Canadians of that time period, you want to be the guy who raped the American Superpower. Now THAT will get you laid...consensually this time."

Oh, and in case you care(You should), here's my official list of the Top 10 films of 2009:
1. The Hurt Locker
2. In the Loop
3. Avatar
4. Fish Tank
5. Inglourious Basterds
6. Up in the Air
7. (500) Days of Summer
8. A Serious Man
9. Observe & Report
10. Up

Here's a promo for Louis C.K.'s new show that will be premiering FX...after watching this video three times, all I can say is that I LOVE stand up comics. Best motherfuckers in the world:

Oh, and next time you want to send a dick-pic to some broad, give it a ponder:

New Years

I was planning on doing a big update today, you know, to make up for my absence as of late, but if you knew anything about Catholic Mexicans, you'd know why I've been busy since I woke up today. There's water glasses around this absurdly clean house, and I'll explain why tomorrow when that big update comes up.

For now, I really hope every guy gets hit dick wet on New Years tonight...consensually. Also, I hope no girls get raped either, I can't imagine what it'd be like to start your New Year's by being raped. Granted, this is something I joke about often, but you gotta admit, it's fucked up.

Alright, enough serious talk, go get some holiday pussy and if you don't go out and see Avatar in 3D, I hope you get raped tonight...at 1am.

Day 72

It's not racist if it's funny...

Line of the Week: Shocking Surprise Of The Morning -The direct translation of the Korean title of Edgar Wright's 'Shaun of the Dead'

I was 'relaxing' with a friend after work on Saturday and as he ate his sushi, his dog came up and tried to eat it, promoting him to ask me "Can dogs have fish?" I proceeded to understand that as him asking me whether or not dogs could legally own fish, so I asked him "Is it really that big a deal? I suppose they can, but if they can't then if someone comes over looking for fish-ownership papers, you can just say they're yours...why?" There's really no ending to this story, except that we ended up laughing about it for a good four to six minutes...man, you gotta love happiness.

Sunday consisted of waking up super late, getting some food, doing some various tasks and then heading downtown with my friend Lauryn to the Deadmau5 concert. This may not strike anyone as impressive, but then again, anyone can be an idiot. We got there a few minutes before he was supposed to come on but were treated to a fan-fucking-tastic opener that laid down some great tracks like (my favorite) Floating by Jape and One Above One by Vitalic. Then Deadmau5 came on and rocked our fucking world by kicking it off with FML and moving through his songs while hitting the crowd favorites like Ghosts and Stuff, The Reward is More Cheese and a mashup of Muse and Daft Punk. We made sure to get up front for optimum ear-numbness and went all out.

I think my favorite parts were two events completely unrelated to the music. The first is called Technosex, which describes the people who were behind me and to the left that were making out, as in she was leaning into him while facing me and he was leaning back with his tongue in her mouth and his hand down her shirt, it was very fun to watch in my lack of sobriety and couldn't help but laugh. The second is less amusing and consists of a fat asian lady, like at least 27 years old, with two guys mind you, came up behind me, put her arms around me and started rubbing my arms and kind of dry humping until I grabbed her wrists and pushed her back as I looked at her friends with a look that said "Dude...seriously? Get your fat whore off me while I'm trying to enjoy this fucking concert or I'll punch her in the face and then weave quickly through the crowd so you can't find me, mkay?" Yeah, she didn't bother me after that.

I was eating Jack in the Box on Monday and guess what happened? Yeah, they fucked up and replaced my cheeseburger for a regular burger, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ORDERED AN ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER (#5). I ate it but I was definitely NOT happy. The best part was that in the middle of my rage (Read: Temper-tantrum), I received a call to my house phone from who else than what the caller ID described as "Food for the Poor", so I picked it up, hung up (down?) and walked away like the Hulk, except without pants...don't judge me, I wanted to get comfortable.

I would like to take this opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity to address some people that have been stealing oxygen molecules for far too long...

Dear you: stop using "frickin" instead of "fucking." I took a poll of the world and guess what? No one, and I mean NO ONE, is impressed by your ability to not curse and simultaneously sound childish AND retarded...that is all.

I went to a screening of Precious on Tuesday, and as the theater began to fill, I looked down at the reserved seats and noticed that it doubled as the "White person section" and something in my body lept up with happiness, almost as if I expected it and was glad to see I was right. Also, I kept on thinking the theater was empty, but when I went to sit down in an empty seat, there was already someone there, it's as if they had camouflage on that prevented them from being seen in the dark...weird...

Hey, do you like Brett Ratner, the director of such "films" as The Family Man, Rush Hour 3, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand? Me neither! Without further ado, I present to you: Ratnerfilms!!

A couple friends and I went to San Marcos for the weekend and on the way back, we saw a bunch of American flags being flown at half-staff and we figured it was because of the shooting at Ft. Hood. I got to thinking though, how long will that last? What's the standard time to wait after soldiers have been killed before you're allowed to raise the flag all the way up? Is it one day per dead soldier? What if it's someone of a higher rank? Do they get 2-3 days? These are the questions that keep me up at night...why aren't these things posted on billboards across America? I think the people have the right to know!!

Then, a girl in my Psychology class was wearing a hoodie today that said "Navy Girlfriend" on it. That's it. Nothing else...just "Navy Girlfriend." Umm, is that supposed to impress some 9 year old, because I don't get it. As soon as I saw it, two things came to mind:

1. You're a Navy girlfriend? Awesome!! Goodluck getting that "Navy Wife" hoodie when all members of that branch are gay, lulz.
2. Really? JUST a Navy Girlfriend? That means you can't commit to someone who's fighting for our country or you're just a cock-tease, either way, no one cares.

While we're still making fun of people we "shouldn't" be, I overheard someone talking about how their friend or family member (Idk, the point is that his name was Greg) to someone else and they said "At least he's in a better place." Yes, I realize the cliche of that line but older white women aren't known for their creativity, mkay? Anyways, she said that and all I could think to myself was "Why did he not do anything over there?" Let's face it, whether you like it or not, all of America's soldiers that do their job (See: Kill brown motherfuckers), are not going to a "better place." Those guys, as lovable, patriotic and well-meaning as they may be, are going to hell to killing people. Now I've never read the bible, but people who have tell me time and time and time and time and time again that killing is a definite no-no. So no matter which way you look at it, those kids are getting sent to their doom in more ways than one.

That's about it, I might be sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I might also not be, you'll never know. I'll leave you with two of my favorite videos on YouTube as of the moment I saw them. The first is a real presentation at TED and the second is a beautiful example of how important Interpersonal Communication really is:

Oh, and some people ask me how I worked out to get in shape to be Dr. McNinja, to which I reply...with Marky Mark, of course!!

Day 71 - Halloween

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