Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day 81...War.

Chinaman Go Boom
He ran to it because he thought it was a big penis a giant left behind that no one was using.

Don't you forget that this film was a documentary!!
It is funny because they are not intel - li - gent.

Hitler + Watermelon = YUMMMMMMM!!
Looks like the blacks have got some 'splainin' to do to the Jews...all this time, Hitler was black.

LOTWs: I use the same razor for my pubes and face because I just don't give a fuck. -Random person

A corndog is just a hotdog with a delicious sweater - Some guy's chalkboard on ESPN

I haven't updated THIS in a while. I've been busy doing stuff or not doing stuff so I haven't really been taking note of too much. I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things soon, or not, who knows, really? I've been too busy writing everything funny into stand up jokes that this barely gets any content. Then again, I've also been writing a lot of jokes that I know are never going to get any stage time because they're not funny enough or just long anecdotes. Like this one: I finally watched my first episode of Law and Order: SVU. Although it should DEFINITELY be retitled Rape Victims Unit. I saw an episode where a chick gets raped, lets call her Rape Victim 1. Halfway through the rape she beats the fucking shit out of the guy and calls an ambulance for him, which I found both badass and extremely amusing. Anyways, when he wakes up in the hospital, he tells the cops "Oh, she wanted me to rape her" which I figured was probably true, but since it's still illegal, I knew it was going to have to be special circumstances. As it turned out, she DID want it...well, not in so many words, at least. Apparently, someone created an account as her on a sexual fantasy site and got a guy to rape her...and that "someone" turned out to be her stalker ex-boyfriend...who was raped his ENTIRE childhood (Rape Victim 2). Two rape victims that used to date, who knew rape and love could be so close to eachother...oh wait, I did.

Later, the judge of the case tells a cop that his children were kidnapped as...well, kids, and he eventually found out that they had been raped and killed and buried, along with almost 20 other kids, in places known only to the pervert (Who was also raped, so Rape Victim 3). When the pervert was later caught, he gave a very detailed description of everything...except the location of the bodies. Slowly, and one-by-one, he gave up the information to every child's body except the judge's son. The cop, suggested by the judge because he knew of his aggressiveness, tortures RV3 until her gets the location...and it turns out there was no body!! Hahaha, oh man, the judge was sooooo sad he disappeared for a couple weeks until the cops busted in his house and find that he killed RV2's father!! Here's the twist, RV2's father was the pervert who took him from the judge!! Meaning.....that RV2 was almost sentenced to life in jail by his own father! Oh, and the chick from the beginning, RV1? She's never seen again. They pretty much told the most innocent and undeserving person in the story to fuck off. Even better though, would you like to know how the Law and Order: SVU writers explain all this at the end? They don't, the credits pop up and it leads into something just as fucking absurd...kinda like this.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of The Boondocks, in fact, I'm about to get started on the 2nd season, and I've managed to catch some of the new the newest episode. This show is greatly(!) hilarious and awesomely animated. In the latest one, however, it spawned a hatred of "Old Niggas" that always be hatin'. In keeping with the war-themed animations up there and the title of this entry (Brain Penetration?), I will now be declaring war on Old Niggas around the world! I will not stand for the death of Bushido Brown:

...or as he's known in real life: Black Dynamite!

Hey! The next time you're in high school and have the strongest desire to go to Mexico and help smuggle immigrants into the US...Don't.

I recently found out Mardi Gras was originally in October, but was moved to February once October became Breast Cancer month...yeah, apparently scars don't get you any extra beads. Besides, no guy wants to throw beads they spent their child-support money on at women with Tits: Version 1 and a half.

I wonder how often Yoga instructors are approached by students after a session and ask them where to get the best dro...

A customer asked me during Sex and the City 2 if I was single. When I said yes, she asked me if working that movie was like working at an amusement park. I replied "Not really, it's more like a buffet." Basically, the women come out in droves, with each even more disposable and wet than the last. Every time the "Australian rugby players" came on screen I could feel the humidity in the theater triple, it was certainly an experience.

You know, sometimes I get really nerdy, pull out a calculator and figure out random math problems like:
  • If I were to get 67 cents every time I caught a homeless guy attempt to defecate on a cat, I'd be almost 23 dollars richer!!
  • If a baby fetus is basically the same size as a quarter, then the "life" of a fetus is worth about 25 cents...but once you factor in the amount of money it actually costs to raise it, abortion becomes a financial necessity!

I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure getting Down's Syndrome is the way to go in life. I mean, think about it, you're always happy. It's not like you know you have the syndrome because even if someone wanted to tell you, you're lacking in so many brain functions that you wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. Also, your life expectancy is pretty low and chances are you'll end up dying long before any real or devastating shit can happen to you. The best part of all? You never have to worry about what to wear on a date!!

I don't think enough people have said "I sure picked a hell of a day to quit picking my nose." I would quite like to hear it in a dramatic context.

I think a good prank would be to get a couple sticks of Big Red gum, cut it into little pieces, put them inside someone's eye drops, shake it up, take out any solid pieces and watch as hilarity ensues.

Hey look!!: Google Chrome is faster than lighting!

Oh, and here's Werner Herzog narrating Where's Waldo:

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